Facing Reality
I am currently drinking my soda-pop that will run out before Friday at this rate as I trying not to focus on the cluttered apartment and the load of dishes I need to clean.
However I had mention in my previous blog, I went to the clinic yesterday, and I as I said 1 out 2 of the pregnancy test showed up as a negative. I will admit I am a bit disappointment, a bit discouraged, and a bit relieved. I really have felt I have had a lot of pressure the more people had found out I could have been pregnant.
I felt like I was having a baby for everyone else, but me. I was the one who was going to go through the month by month changes, losing the sight of my big feet, gaining even more weight, not to mention the mid-night craving when the local grocery store closes at 6, and the mood swings, but I still feel in the end the baby is going to completely depise me, because I have my father's temper, and really short nerves. I see everyone spoiling the baby, and I get the dirty work. I even see Tom playing with the baby, but when the baby cries or the baby needs a bottle or the baby need to be change, everyone calls me. I will be the only person without good clothes, because the baby will have spit up on them all. I cannot stand puke and if there is extreme amounts of blood or the baby passes out I panic. I also have a fear that this new born, very delicate creature will accidently be dropped or bumped and it will be my fault.
I also worry that if I am pregnant there will complications, because I don't believe my body makes enough hormone, and I always under worry and stress. I don't have much money, and I have some debts that I have to still have yet to clear up: I am afraid that I will not be able to provide for child(ren).
The other thing that worries me is the grandparents all trying to push morals, religion, spoiling too much and arguing for time. I have a set of grandparents and as well Tom so if we had a kid(s) the great grandparents want time as well, beside holidays. I'm already hearing "You need to get married. . . " and if we did that then "You need to go to church regularly, and have the baby baptist or blessed. . ." (Tom is already frustrated over all of this. . . which has caused tension between us and my father's side of the family. Tom and I both have somewhat different beliefs compared to my overly Christian-religous father and his family.)
If tomorrow when I call the mid-wife about my test results and it happens to be that I am pregnant, then I will do all in my power to be calm, collected, semi-stress free and healthy. I will go through the pregnancy, have the painful birth, and love my baby or babies.
If for some reason I am not pregnant, I will also try to be calm and collected in trying to find out what is wrong with me. I will also take this has another chance to have more adult time with Tom, hopefully save some money or win some money, travel and work on my writings.
I just hope if I am not pregnant that no one is going to be too disappointed. I would just have to believe that if I am not that is just not my time to have kid(s). (However I was told by several psychics that I will have at least two kids in my life, and I was told at least one of them is a girl.)
The truth is I also think there was a small piece of me that wanted to have something different in my life, because I know my mom's life is going to change (unless they can get 50 grand to save the house and then jobs), my brother's life is going to change, and all my female friends have kids. . . damn emotional, maternal clock.
I need some time for my dreams to come true and for me to get some savings in my life. This is my reality check.