a reintroduction to vulnerability
Honestly, it's easiest for me to jump on the computer and write without reservations when things are either really, really good or really, really bad because in either instance, thoughts kind of just pour out onto the screen. Last night's entry is an example of the former- I was bursting with energy (mostly due to the two cups of Pike Place roast I had earlier that evening) and was more encouraged than I had been in a long time which is why my words were so full of cheer. The same hope is dwelling in my heart but I've come back down to reality from my euphoric, coffee buzz - I guess I'd just like to invite you guys into a better picture of what the these days have really been like and what has kept my feet movin' forward.
About three months ago now, maybe more, I got let go from the Jamaican cafe I was working at. I'm not sure if I ever wrote about it in here but briefly stated, it was a real shady dismissal where no real communication was granted and
I
was
crushed.
I'd been pouring all of my efforts into this seemingly hopeless, little restaurant that I badly wanted to see succeed and was wholeheartedly committed to loving the people I worked with the strength of my actions. There was a lot of pain in the lives of my co-workers and I didn't want to move on from being in community with them. In hindsight however, I can see that as my own wounds surfaced in counseling (which I began going to around April or May), I was way too vulnerable to be in the unhealthy environment that it was. I looked for another job for two and a half months with no avail and disheartenment ensued.
I went from working full-time to not at all but as I discovered, I had been keeping SO busy with my job that I hadn't realized how joyless I was! It's still incredible to me that such a thing is possible but there I was, finally sitting still long enough to realize I had forgotten to enjoy life. After realizing this, I began rediscovering idle afternoons in bookstores, bubble baths, movie nights and everything else that my heart had been deprived of little by little. It was uncomfortable not being chained to a schedule and I struggled with feeling guilt about it often. The idea that my worth is equal to my efficiency and productivity remains something that I have to be conscious of rejecting on a day to day basis but as in all things, diagnosis precedes cure.
I moved out of the house I was living in (not my parent's home but my home with roommates near UCF... did I never mention that either?) at the end of last month into a parsonage with three sweet gals from the young adult ministry in the area. Throughout those few unemployed months, rent and bills had been paid by miracle upon miracle and it wasn't until last week when I realized my checking account balance was 12 cents that I finally gave way to fear- a whooole lot of it. A sudden torrent of bills, from deposits to first month's rent to electric being the most recent, followed my hollow bank statement. Ben and I had been miscommunicating for weeks at this point and we were as distant as we've ever been. Nothing can make you feel like a scared little girl quicker than realizing you can't take care of yourself. I felt completely and utterly alone and crumbled underneath the pressure of it all. I refused to be vulnerable with God and ignored Him by drawing the blinds on my heart and mind, camped out in my self-pity and refused to think about anything other than whatever movie I was using to drown out the wailing of my sores. It wasn't until I tried smoking a cigarette again for the first time in a year ('cause it was supposed to help somehow or something) that I finally got sick of my anxiety. I lit the thing, loudly remembered that I am NOT the same girl I once was, that I don't run away from or medicate my pain anymore and gave it back to the person I had bummed it off of with an unexplained "I can't do this." I broke into a quick run towards the embrace of my Saviour shortly after and have remained in His arms since... for anyone who may not know what I mean by that - I quit ignoring His presence, humbled myself by apologizing for my contemptuous attitude and acknowledged that His will and ways are beyond my understanding. I was honest about how overwhelmed I felt, I wrestled the discouragement and the lies I was believing about my worthlessness until only God's love and promises remained. This sounds so cut and dry typed out on screen but it's so much bigger- coming into the presence of the Lord (even simply knowing that we CAN through Jesus Christ) is so much bigger.
Through the faithfulness of my God's sweet lovin', my landlord has offered to allow a period of grace in any of the home related balances, allowing my finances to go directly towards the utilities my roommates have had to pick up my share of. It still makes me so uncomfortable to think that they've had to do that- their support and kindness (and that of many others, including Benjamin) has been so humbling. It's one thing to be challenged to 'Love your neighbor as yourself', it's another to be the neighbor.
I've got a huge job opportunity in the air right now regarding a paid internship with Public Allies. My second and final interview is the 31st- this will determine what non-profit organization in the metropolitan Orlando area I'll get placed within if I get hired! I also received an email earlier today inviting me to an orientation to be an AVID tutor for a local school district- I'd be working at the high school I graduated from on Tuesdays and/or Thursdays. I've never heard of the AVID program until now because it's just beginning in the area but here's a bit about it from the website:
The AVID program targets students in the academic middle - B, C, and even D students - who have the desire to go to college and the willingness to work hard. These are students who are capable of completing rigorous curriculum but are falling short of their potential. Typically, they will be the first in their families to attend college, and many are from low-income or minority families. AVID pulls these students out of their unchallenging courses and puts them on the college track: acceleration instead of remediation.
Both of these opportunities will mean a grown up paycheck and a professional stepping stone in the right direction towards what I hope to study in college... kind of doing it backwards here :) I like how that's worked out...
I'm still learning how to relinquish control over the matters of my life, I'm still trying to walk in the confidence of Jesus' words in Matthew 6:26
"Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?"
but as I learned earlier this evening, God believes I'm capable of it all! He knows I'm capable of trusting Him and following Him, even if this whole step by step thing is incredibly intimidating at times. This last year has felt like I've only been inching along, often with uncertainty towards where to go next but as I think about the absolute journey it has been, I can only rejoice in how far He has brought me. Thank you, Jesus.
Also, it feels good to be back.
About three months ago now, maybe more, I got let go from the Jamaican cafe I was working at. I'm not sure if I ever wrote about it in here but briefly stated, it was a real shady dismissal where no real communication was granted and
I
was
crushed.
I'd been pouring all of my efforts into this seemingly hopeless, little restaurant that I badly wanted to see succeed and was wholeheartedly committed to loving the people I worked with the strength of my actions. There was a lot of pain in the lives of my co-workers and I didn't want to move on from being in community with them. In hindsight however, I can see that as my own wounds surfaced in counseling (which I began going to around April or May), I was way too vulnerable to be in the unhealthy environment that it was. I looked for another job for two and a half months with no avail and disheartenment ensued.
I went from working full-time to not at all but as I discovered, I had been keeping SO busy with my job that I hadn't realized how joyless I was! It's still incredible to me that such a thing is possible but there I was, finally sitting still long enough to realize I had forgotten to enjoy life. After realizing this, I began rediscovering idle afternoons in bookstores, bubble baths, movie nights and everything else that my heart had been deprived of little by little. It was uncomfortable not being chained to a schedule and I struggled with feeling guilt about it often. The idea that my worth is equal to my efficiency and productivity remains something that I have to be conscious of rejecting on a day to day basis but as in all things, diagnosis precedes cure.
I moved out of the house I was living in (not my parent's home but my home with roommates near UCF... did I never mention that either?) at the end of last month into a parsonage with three sweet gals from the young adult ministry in the area. Throughout those few unemployed months, rent and bills had been paid by miracle upon miracle and it wasn't until last week when I realized my checking account balance was 12 cents that I finally gave way to fear- a whooole lot of it. A sudden torrent of bills, from deposits to first month's rent to electric being the most recent, followed my hollow bank statement. Ben and I had been miscommunicating for weeks at this point and we were as distant as we've ever been. Nothing can make you feel like a scared little girl quicker than realizing you can't take care of yourself. I felt completely and utterly alone and crumbled underneath the pressure of it all. I refused to be vulnerable with God and ignored Him by drawing the blinds on my heart and mind, camped out in my self-pity and refused to think about anything other than whatever movie I was using to drown out the wailing of my sores. It wasn't until I tried smoking a cigarette again for the first time in a year ('cause it was supposed to help somehow or something) that I finally got sick of my anxiety. I lit the thing, loudly remembered that I am NOT the same girl I once was, that I don't run away from or medicate my pain anymore and gave it back to the person I had bummed it off of with an unexplained "I can't do this." I broke into a quick run towards the embrace of my Saviour shortly after and have remained in His arms since... for anyone who may not know what I mean by that - I quit ignoring His presence, humbled myself by apologizing for my contemptuous attitude and acknowledged that His will and ways are beyond my understanding. I was honest about how overwhelmed I felt, I wrestled the discouragement and the lies I was believing about my worthlessness until only God's love and promises remained. This sounds so cut and dry typed out on screen but it's so much bigger- coming into the presence of the Lord (even simply knowing that we CAN through Jesus Christ) is so much bigger.
Through the faithfulness of my God's sweet lovin', my landlord has offered to allow a period of grace in any of the home related balances, allowing my finances to go directly towards the utilities my roommates have had to pick up my share of. It still makes me so uncomfortable to think that they've had to do that- their support and kindness (and that of many others, including Benjamin) has been so humbling. It's one thing to be challenged to 'Love your neighbor as yourself', it's another to be the neighbor.
I've got a huge job opportunity in the air right now regarding a paid internship with Public Allies. My second and final interview is the 31st- this will determine what non-profit organization in the metropolitan Orlando area I'll get placed within if I get hired! I also received an email earlier today inviting me to an orientation to be an AVID tutor for a local school district- I'd be working at the high school I graduated from on Tuesdays and/or Thursdays. I've never heard of the AVID program until now because it's just beginning in the area but here's a bit about it from the website:
The AVID program targets students in the academic middle - B, C, and even D students - who have the desire to go to college and the willingness to work hard. These are students who are capable of completing rigorous curriculum but are falling short of their potential. Typically, they will be the first in their families to attend college, and many are from low-income or minority families. AVID pulls these students out of their unchallenging courses and puts them on the college track: acceleration instead of remediation.
Both of these opportunities will mean a grown up paycheck and a professional stepping stone in the right direction towards what I hope to study in college... kind of doing it backwards here :) I like how that's worked out...
I'm still learning how to relinquish control over the matters of my life, I'm still trying to walk in the confidence of Jesus' words in Matthew 6:26
"Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?"
but as I learned earlier this evening, God believes I'm capable of it all! He knows I'm capable of trusting Him and following Him, even if this whole step by step thing is incredibly intimidating at times. This last year has felt like I've only been inching along, often with uncertainty towards where to go next but as I think about the absolute journey it has been, I can only rejoice in how far He has brought me. Thank you, Jesus.
Also, it feels good to be back.