how sad it is, that we speak with such guarded tongues
it's funny watching exes dance around each other, blindfolded yet with desperate arms outstretched just waiting to fall into each others' but using all of their energy simply pretending not to want to.
myspace and facebook can be life unfolded sometimes- where the residue of what you miss in day to day interaction (and day to day lies) slides into the cracks to be read by anyone who will notice.
we don't really grow up, do we?
I'm awfully tired and I have school in seven hours, but I need to write about last night before the feelings fade. yesterday afternoon, I was in a terribly sour mood, thinking of all of the diseased aspects of Central Florida and counting the reasons why I should just tell my dad "yeah, I don't care, I'll graduate from a school in South Florida, forget these people and their silly charades- now, how soon can we move?"
my thoughts were circling with the reevaluations of friendships and faces, weighing the good and the bad, I guess, except without any of the good in mind. I just get like this sometimes, when I'm feeling unsettled and lonely and lied to, or bailed on (although I must admit, usually this is my imagination running away with me) and when times like these occur, I find the nearest pile of bricks and begin building a wall, the kind of wall I fabricate way too often. but anyway,
that's the kind of mood I was still in when I get to Hope's but to my surprise, TeeJay is in town (Hope's stepbrother who moved to Tennessee, who's had a dear place in my heart since 2005) and he's got all these sweet friends with him who just happened to be the kind of company I needed, you know those nights? you know what I mean? when the universe just puts these pieces together and you couldn't have imagined the picture any better had you tried coming up with it yourself? yes, those kinds of moments. Otis comes over too, and we're all just relaxing, kind of drinking but honestly enjoying the dialogue and drinking games more so than the alcohol. the night progresses and these darling people keep loving on me in the way I needed to be, it was as if they knew I had been begging for someone to lift the weights off of my chest because they kept on calling me "sunshine" and reminding me of the things they enjoyed about my friendship... I'm tearing up typing about it because if you haven't noticed from my writing or from the frequent submissions of sadness, my confidence has been on the negative and I've even begun to project that negativity to those around me, breaking 'em down in my mind and that's NOT EVEN WHAT I'M ABOUT, I promise, but that's how bad my insides have gotten. anyway, along with the words I got to hear pouring out of those beautiful people with the honey hearts, I was held and touched more last night than I had been in the last few weeks. now as Americans, it's easy to forget the wonders of a warm embrace or the healing powers of a (literal) shoulder to lean on but last night, this remedy came to me in the form of a Hope, and of a TeeJay, and of an Otis, and Christian and TeeJay's boyfriend, Josh.
it just occurred to me that there will come a day that these bodies won't be Hope, or TeeJay, or Otis, or Christian, or Josh, they'll just be cold shells of their spirit and this thought has me wondering why we don't embrace each other ALL OF THE TIME! but we're so confined to walls and lines and boxes and boundaries, and why? why do we delude ourselves into thinking we're all so lasting? I just want to hold all of my friends now, and each member of my family too. it's worse with my family... because they seem even more constant than anything else in my life, but that's not true either. oh gosh, I'm rambling so much. why do I waste so much time? why I waste so many opportunities to love a little harder? time is so deceiving!
I've gotten so diverted from my original story and original point but it's 1 am, and yeah, last night, the icicles that had accumulated upon my ribcage were chipped off with each sweet smile and the last thing I remember was being scooped up from the couch (because TeeJay didn't want the excitement from all of the different conversations going on to bother my slumber awhhh. but honestly, it's not as if it could've! I was knocked out from exhaustion) and tucked into bed and kissed goodnight on the cheek by one of my best friends. he doesn't even remember any of this, but it's one of the moments of my life that I know I'll never be able to forget. I hate that my modest words can't properly express the magnitude of what last night really was for me, but I've tried and perhaps, if any of you have had a night like this, a night that fails to translate onto paper or text or description yet surpasses any emotion you have ever been capable of putting into words, then... that was it. needless to say, I'll be sticking around here a little longer.
“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.”
myspace and facebook can be life unfolded sometimes- where the residue of what you miss in day to day interaction (and day to day lies) slides into the cracks to be read by anyone who will notice.
we don't really grow up, do we?
I'm awfully tired and I have school in seven hours, but I need to write about last night before the feelings fade. yesterday afternoon, I was in a terribly sour mood, thinking of all of the diseased aspects of Central Florida and counting the reasons why I should just tell my dad "yeah, I don't care, I'll graduate from a school in South Florida, forget these people and their silly charades- now, how soon can we move?"
my thoughts were circling with the reevaluations of friendships and faces, weighing the good and the bad, I guess, except without any of the good in mind. I just get like this sometimes, when I'm feeling unsettled and lonely and lied to, or bailed on (although I must admit, usually this is my imagination running away with me) and when times like these occur, I find the nearest pile of bricks and begin building a wall, the kind of wall I fabricate way too often. but anyway,
that's the kind of mood I was still in when I get to Hope's but to my surprise, TeeJay is in town (Hope's stepbrother who moved to Tennessee, who's had a dear place in my heart since 2005) and he's got all these sweet friends with him who just happened to be the kind of company I needed, you know those nights? you know what I mean? when the universe just puts these pieces together and you couldn't have imagined the picture any better had you tried coming up with it yourself? yes, those kinds of moments. Otis comes over too, and we're all just relaxing, kind of drinking but honestly enjoying the dialogue and drinking games more so than the alcohol. the night progresses and these darling people keep loving on me in the way I needed to be, it was as if they knew I had been begging for someone to lift the weights off of my chest because they kept on calling me "sunshine" and reminding me of the things they enjoyed about my friendship... I'm tearing up typing about it because if you haven't noticed from my writing or from the frequent submissions of sadness, my confidence has been on the negative and I've even begun to project that negativity to those around me, breaking 'em down in my mind and that's NOT EVEN WHAT I'M ABOUT, I promise, but that's how bad my insides have gotten. anyway, along with the words I got to hear pouring out of those beautiful people with the honey hearts, I was held and touched more last night than I had been in the last few weeks. now as Americans, it's easy to forget the wonders of a warm embrace or the healing powers of a (literal) shoulder to lean on but last night, this remedy came to me in the form of a Hope, and of a TeeJay, and of an Otis, and Christian and TeeJay's boyfriend, Josh.
it just occurred to me that there will come a day that these bodies won't be Hope, or TeeJay, or Otis, or Christian, or Josh, they'll just be cold shells of their spirit and this thought has me wondering why we don't embrace each other ALL OF THE TIME! but we're so confined to walls and lines and boxes and boundaries, and why? why do we delude ourselves into thinking we're all so lasting? I just want to hold all of my friends now, and each member of my family too. it's worse with my family... because they seem even more constant than anything else in my life, but that's not true either. oh gosh, I'm rambling so much. why do I waste so much time? why I waste so many opportunities to love a little harder? time is so deceiving!
I've gotten so diverted from my original story and original point but it's 1 am, and yeah, last night, the icicles that had accumulated upon my ribcage were chipped off with each sweet smile and the last thing I remember was being scooped up from the couch (because TeeJay didn't want the excitement from all of the different conversations going on to bother my slumber awhhh. but honestly, it's not as if it could've! I was knocked out from exhaustion) and tucked into bed and kissed goodnight on the cheek by one of my best friends. he doesn't even remember any of this, but it's one of the moments of my life that I know I'll never be able to forget. I hate that my modest words can't properly express the magnitude of what last night really was for me, but I've tried and perhaps, if any of you have had a night like this, a night that fails to translate onto paper or text or description yet surpasses any emotion you have ever been capable of putting into words, then... that was it. needless to say, I'll be sticking around here a little longer.
“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.”