Why
Why do I insist on causing myself emotional pain? Heal, inflict, heal, inflict. One of these days I'm not going to heal. As those who read my ramblings know my daughter has been a source of joy, a source of pride but mainly a source of pain. I think I have it together and then I read something that leads me down a dark path of pain and despair. Now, I've done it again. I learned that her wedding was being featured on the blog “Style Me Pretty” and will be featured the July in the magazine “Seattle Bride”
As I was not invited to the wedding I am always hungry to see any photos from the wedding. The photos are beautiful but what killed me was her statement was “My father was a single parent who raised me always surrounded by the love of our family and friends “. I was the one who rocked her asleep, taught her to walk, waited through dance classes, attended teacher conferences, planned her birthday parties and pay for her college education. She was everything I ever wanted out of life. She was an amazingly easy baby. I gave her my heart the moment I saw her for the first time. Now she has cut it out and stomped all over it.
I spend so much of my broken life in a darkened room trying to figure out why I'm still here. I serve no purpose. I'm a human nick-nack. I have no grandchild to hope for, no reason to be. The pain I feel every time I see Terra’s photo or when someone asks me if I have a child is getting harder and harder. I feel so alone, so painfully alone. If it wasn’t for Mark, I would truly end it all. We have no one but each other and I truly believe he deserves better. Someone whole, someone happy, someone better, someone not me.