First Born Unicorn
I'm totally convinced that if anyone got a glimpse of the thoughts in my head that I never say outloud, I'd be commited as soon as humanly possible.
I had a strange thought during History class yesterday. If I had been born back before there were doctors and such, like in Greece way back when, I wouldn't have survived being born. Or not long after at any rate. Weird to think of all the shit that doctors can do.
Then I was thinking about being sick and how I loathe being sick, but I don't mind pain. I hate feeling under the weather but sharp pains and such are bearable. I thought about being nailed to a tree for some odd reason. That would hurt, but it would make one hell of a story. "How'd you get those scars on your palms?"
"I was nailed to a tree."
"..."
I wonder if it's odd to sometimes long for deep pain? Yes, it has to be. I guess I want it just to feel a little more. I'd never resort to actually doing anything like that, I'm too smart for that, but it doesn't stop me from thinking.
Maybe it's not longing for the pain, but maybe the attention that stems from it? That HEY look at me. I'm...still here...
John Coffey had it right. I'm tired of people being ugly to each other too.
It's depressing to think that Carl won't be here next year. Even more so to think that Erin won't graduate with us, and that Dan might transfer. Tessa and I will still be here, or maybe I won't be here in two years. Every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time
I'm still running, and let me explain this for those of you who misunderstand and think I get into sweats and run a mile, cause I certainly lack the stamina and drive to be doing this. When I mean running, I mean the powerful urge to get away from everything around me at this point. Erin laughed when I told her I run in my head, but I do. I run fast too.
I saw some kid with a death wish yesterday. He almost walked in front of a Mack truck that was not going to be able to stop in time, and then right after that he was halfway across the road and strolled in front of another car that hadn't planned on stopping and they almost ran him down. I can almost sympathize sometimes. I bet he was just in the mood for a little death. After all, there is nothing like death to help you feel more alive.
This is a lot longer then I had anticipated. I guess because I actually have a chance to do it. I'm not perpetually surrounded by people at this time in the morning. This is my time. What do I do during my time? Write about what happens when it's not my time. Go figure.
Why is it that even when I try to get a little attention from the opposite sex, it always detours around me? Then to top it off, it gets rubbed in my face? No wonder I'm bitter. I guess I just need bigger boobs, an ass and a personality and I'll get everything I want. Just existing never got anyone anywhere now did it?
I sound emo...and I don't care.
It's raining. Today would be a good day to run. Forget the bullshit and run. No more boxes that won't stay together, no more bitterness, no more jealousy, no more anything.
How many times yesterday did I bite my tongue? How many remarks did I hold in? How much blood will I be forced to swallow before the remarks come out? I love life, don't get me wrong, but I don't love what's going on in it sometimes.
How sad is it that I'm at KUTZTOWN and I haven't been to one party yet? Not a single one. Something is wrong with that. Seriously wrong.
I really need to find a place of my own in my head where I can just go and sit. Maybe it'll be good to stop running for a while. Maybe then I could do it physically instead.
Dream of Californication
I had a strange thought during History class yesterday. If I had been born back before there were doctors and such, like in Greece way back when, I wouldn't have survived being born. Or not long after at any rate. Weird to think of all the shit that doctors can do.
Then I was thinking about being sick and how I loathe being sick, but I don't mind pain. I hate feeling under the weather but sharp pains and such are bearable. I thought about being nailed to a tree for some odd reason. That would hurt, but it would make one hell of a story. "How'd you get those scars on your palms?"
"I was nailed to a tree."
"..."
I wonder if it's odd to sometimes long for deep pain? Yes, it has to be. I guess I want it just to feel a little more. I'd never resort to actually doing anything like that, I'm too smart for that, but it doesn't stop me from thinking.
Maybe it's not longing for the pain, but maybe the attention that stems from it? That HEY look at me. I'm...still here...
John Coffey had it right. I'm tired of people being ugly to each other too.
It's depressing to think that Carl won't be here next year. Even more so to think that Erin won't graduate with us, and that Dan might transfer. Tessa and I will still be here, or maybe I won't be here in two years. Every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time
I'm still running, and let me explain this for those of you who misunderstand and think I get into sweats and run a mile, cause I certainly lack the stamina and drive to be doing this. When I mean running, I mean the powerful urge to get away from everything around me at this point. Erin laughed when I told her I run in my head, but I do. I run fast too.
I saw some kid with a death wish yesterday. He almost walked in front of a Mack truck that was not going to be able to stop in time, and then right after that he was halfway across the road and strolled in front of another car that hadn't planned on stopping and they almost ran him down. I can almost sympathize sometimes. I bet he was just in the mood for a little death. After all, there is nothing like death to help you feel more alive.
This is a lot longer then I had anticipated. I guess because I actually have a chance to do it. I'm not perpetually surrounded by people at this time in the morning. This is my time. What do I do during my time? Write about what happens when it's not my time. Go figure.
Why is it that even when I try to get a little attention from the opposite sex, it always detours around me? Then to top it off, it gets rubbed in my face? No wonder I'm bitter. I guess I just need bigger boobs, an ass and a personality and I'll get everything I want. Just existing never got anyone anywhere now did it?
I sound emo...and I don't care.
It's raining. Today would be a good day to run. Forget the bullshit and run. No more boxes that won't stay together, no more bitterness, no more jealousy, no more anything.
How many times yesterday did I bite my tongue? How many remarks did I hold in? How much blood will I be forced to swallow before the remarks come out? I love life, don't get me wrong, but I don't love what's going on in it sometimes.
How sad is it that I'm at KUTZTOWN and I haven't been to one party yet? Not a single one. Something is wrong with that. Seriously wrong.
I really need to find a place of my own in my head where I can just go and sit. Maybe it'll be good to stop running for a while. Maybe then I could do it physically instead.
Dream of Californication