(no subject)
Sometimes I think that changing my major to film would be great, but not what I really want to do. I love English, I love art- specifically learning graphic arts would be fun. I don’t see myself flourishing in the creative writing classes of my English major. I enjoy writing the dialogue and action of a movie. Personally, I see myself putting a concentration in film for my English major. Since Michigan doesn’t have majors. And continuing to double major in graphic design. I see myself working as a designer and screen-writing as well. Possibly I’ll move to California. Develop a business desire or become a professor and continue to write films until one gets made. Up until now I was interested in becoming the director, the person who makes it all happen. I could see myself doing that one day, but I really enjoy the writing more. I don’t like the true technical side of film. I’d like to be apart of something great, perhaps influence a film, but would not have fun with the tedious and time-consuming aspects of running a motion picture. I have other dreams for other talents, but I think this is a central goal I could aim towards. It would include my writing skills, my interest in observing others, listening to their stories. My love of literature, poetry, art, history, politics, the HUMANITIES... All can be portrayed in a film. It sends a message. It is fun to do. There are so many other aspects of this profession that are appealing I don’t want to write anymore. This is a long entry, forewarned. But if you read on, you will see that for all my recluse behavior, I have done a lot of thinking these last several months:
I surround myself with these aspiring musicians, directors, writers, and for what? To gaze on admiringly as they attempt to really make a go at their dream. Ben, the incredibly driven young film student. Andrew, an ambitious and talented up and coming music producer. Eric, amazing and courteous bass player. Val/Aaron, personal trainer, musician, avid astrologer, and one of the most intriguing people I’ve ever met. Stacy and Aaron, the hippie/jam band/beautiful couple who surround their life with music, outdoor adventures, and truly experiencing life in a positive, down-to-Earth way. I look at my friends and see that they are really doing it- making their lives unfold with what falsely appears to be perfection and ease. I look at famous musicians and think what if? I don’t want to be a politician, but I want to change things in the world. I see famous people with the time, money, and PR to get things accomplished. Why not? I want to take care of myself and not worry about how I will pay rent. It’s not that anyone really ever has it figured out- none of us do- but I am attracted to the hope, strength, and imagination it requires to maintain an awesome personality while pursuing any type of artistic endeavor. I look at my friends with wonder awe, thinking God, if I only had their talent, their family, their expertise, the time to do it... THEN, then, I could do something great.
For the last two years I have been wallowing in self-pity: jealous of those who had 15 years of dance lessons, voice lessons, parents that came to every theatrical event. I used my lack of training as an excuse not to try. I blamed it on my parents. I listened too hard when adults said "it's too hard to really try for your unattainable dream.. do this instead..." I was trying to make everyone happy excpet myself. Have some pert little answer for what I want to BE when I get older. I wanted to do something that was the BEST, that meant the MOST to changing this world (ie: teaching). Now I realize that I will never affect change unless I stop being hypocritical- that I am a liar and a fake if I urge my siblings and friends to try for their seemingly unreachable goals and yet do not attempt my own. I'm so sick of trying to have everything figured out just so a) my parents can feel better, b) my neighbors can feel better, c) complete strangers think I know what I'm doing. Well, I'm here to say that well, I'm going to BE Andrea for quite awhile, and as for a job, well, I don't define myself by my income. I do want a job I love and have fun at- but no longer will I sell myself short by not telling my real dreams- no matter how crazy or far away they might seem. Really all I need is to focus on a goal and try for it- the rest will fall in place as I figure out what makes me happy. At least I have learned more about myself from this time off- I am in a much better place to realistically pursue my dreams. And my attitude is forever changed. I look back at the sorority girl who wanted everyone to like her and the woman I am today and I gasp. So different, yet so the same- just wiser and tougher- less naive and more worldly. Life is funny and growing up is funny. Just think about the person you were 4 years ago- what's happened since to alter your life forever?
The artistic success of my friends comes from the stamina to continue under pressure, to know their dream is attainable, to get up every day and try to be the best person they can be. From deciding on a specific goal to reach for and working at it. I have been spreading myself thin since high school to make everyone happy. I remember middle school. I may not have been popular, but I had my own group of friends- I didn’t feel as though I had to smile and fake happiness. I took innocence for granted. Then things become more complicated. You have to grow up and make real decisions and everyone pressures you to make up your mind about what you have to “be.” All these other distractions pulled me off course. And yet, I’m glad I did, because I’m going to be a much happier person now that I have the strong desire to do what I really want. I’m fiercely determined to impact this world and have fun doing it.
I think the reason I adore and half envy some of my crazy amazing friends is the fact that they seem to be so sure of what they want. And it’s such a breath of fresh air compared to most people’s desires. Photographer/fashion designer/juvenile reform lawyer; they are striving towards something better than themselves and they know it takes time. Patience and hard work and a clear goal. This is so different from most people that just want to have a high earning job and find happiness only in consumption. They watch TV and that affects what they buy and wear and how they talk and how they raise/educate/misinform their children and then it affects politics. And everybody just soaks up propaganda and it just makes me feel icky:
A belch of bad taste
forever laid waste
the way humans
communicate
An afterthought,
a nice hiccup,
raised the ratings
up and up.
“Oh excuse me,
my name’s TV,
I’ve come to maim
and entertain,
rear your child
by the hand
I’ll do it with my
contraband
of music sports
commercial-free
Oh my god
did you see Britney?
Oh don’t you know,
you all just gonna love me!”
Guess which star did what wait when?
We follow starts like they are friends
He broke up and cheated who?
It’s like a celeb Waterloo
We see people under knives
plastic crying drama lives
Reality is what you see
so nip and tuck at will for free
It makes me so sad to see
such total fake hypocrisy
Politics intertwined
with propaganda blind
Media’s the only way
to penetrate the masses
since teaching for the test
is occupying classes
It’s hard to know who to trust
Every word is bias-filled
we have trigger happy wanderlust
How many have we really killed?
We wonder why our kids choose guns
over toys and books and love
riding bikes is not as fun
I’d rather shoot and loot push shove
They learn it all from watching lies
with hungry naïve staring eyes
then the 6, the 10 o’clock
news that shapes a nation’s shock
“But it was better in the eighties
with money flowin, Gipper reigning.
Everything was just so peachy
We still have our right to free speech!
I give the leaders all my trust
to dig up land for low gas cost
All those ragin lefty hippies
they’ll change their mind when they hit fifty
I’d give them schools all the blame
these kids turn out so dumb and lame
Kids are shootin up their classmates
there is no ‘worse than Watergate’
Why must they make up all this trouble
where’s my remote -
check out that fumble!”
Scratch and sniff your lotto ticket
What’s a teacher union picket?
Raise the bar but not the pay
while makin sure those roads are paved
Take away the choice you see
and we’re close to tyranny
When stubborn pride governs law
the world looks on without applause
You’d rather live as blissful blind
let someone else make up your mind
You think our powerful elected
were honestly selected?
The role models of yester year
I’m afraid were never here
Money makes the world go round
And yet I think it’s going down
the tube is all we know and see
the biased pictures we believe
The smoky room of untold secrets
is laughing at their easy won bets
made to see how long we’d last
giving up our hard-earned cash
They think deathly choices funny
at the cost of voting monkeys
Groomed to watch but not to think
I’m afraid we’re on the brink
Mass destruction of the mind
will be the end of humankind.
So yeah, I appreciate people who agree with me on this kind of stuff. And I want to be more like them. I want to decide on a path and just go for it, heck. I might as well try for more now while I'm young than regret it later.
I think up until now I have been beating myself up with other people’s expectations. Now that my parents know I’m not a saint, now that I am tired of constant partying, now that I am tired of trying to be Everything to Everyone, I feel like I can begin to sort out what I really want for myself and what I stand for. I don’t have to fit into any molds of someone before me or like me. I can just be weird ole Andrea. I just feel so out of place sometimes- it would be refreshing and a life-altering decision to just say the crazy things I really want to do aloud. I laugh about being a rock star jokingly, and I think most girls are taught the only way to be successful is through your husband, ie: marry rock star, marry CEO, marry president, etc... But it’s not true! I want to strive for something as crazy as trying to be a rock star, with the end goal far in sight. And I can do the other things I love to. I saw about 3 minutes of the Food network last night and it was about a female model who makes up to 300,000 a year in modeling jobs and 100,000 in a catering business. She ultimately wants to be a caterer, but why not attempt two awesome professions? Why not use naturally endowed talents to have fun and be successful? People are so linear and one-goal driven- they can't fathom someone like me who doesn't fit in a nice little stereotype. It's amazing to finally feel proud of this fact.
I’ve been so worried about being the best, that if I couldn’t be the best I wouldn’t even try. Call it the woes of perfectionism and procrastination. Unable to decide on a main talent, I have been floundering around wasting my time and trying to experience as much as I can. All I accomplished was alienating myself from my family and true friends. Only as I realize how healing this last year was for myself and my relationships do I see how far away I stepped away from myself. Now I can forgive and learn and move on. It feels amazing just being able to relax. Maybe I needed to experience all of this shite so I could make up my mind. My parents accept me, love me. I accept me, love me. I have so much to live for and I feel like the world is opening itself to me, beckoning, why not? I dare you to try! The only way I will feel complete is to have an underlying hope that what I’m doing has a purpose, that it will affect people- that the world will have been changed a little by me.
In the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series, there is a small booth that contains the cosmos. When a normal person sits down in it, the whole universe is revealed to her. The seemingly infinite expanse of galaxies, stars, creatures, atoms. And the insignificance of her life. Usually the person’s head explodes. But once a man survived. He was a very arrogant man who was very narcissistic and smug. He sat down and saw the endlessness. But his ego was so huge that he just walked out nonplussed.
Most people, when faced with deep questions about life, are almost terrified of that abyss; that booth that reveals your insignificance. They shy away from it and depend on religion, their upbringing, their comfort zones to protect them. Some have faith in God, or no god. Either way, no one knows, so why judge? Why not keep keeping on? Why not just really give it a go? Being close-minded on any issue is evidence that you are afraid of change- of anything different from you. You want to solidify life, devoid it of change, just to feel better. Don’t think about it. Drink. Smoke. Watch TV. Screw. Go to church. Gossip. Eat. Routine makes us feel like life is stable. We allow ourselves to stop thinking, placate time with inactivity, avoid wondering about why we are here. Why do you think death stirs us? It reminds us of those questions, it reminds us to take the most from each day- make it the most.
When people stop asking those questions, it leads to apathy and ignorance and propaganda and frivolous, self-serving leaders. The whole system teaches us to consume, feel better. Take this, feel better. And the small minority of people who understand this are a)addicted, b)voiceless, c)do nothing about it, d)waste their resources.
I REBEL against apathy. It is the opposite of anything human and empathetic. It’s what media, leaders, and our choices are teaching the youth of today. I’ve been guiding myself through the opinions of people who do not understand or believe in me. My peers; who consume too much. My parents; who can not grasp the questions. My siblings who haven’t experienced what I have. My friends; who are not me. I can only decide for myself what feels right to my heart. I have been taught to care too much about every other opinion but my own. That being great will not pay the bills so find something easier to do so you can take care of yourself in the “real world.” And then told that I can accomplish my dreams if I try. That I can do anything I want to do. Which one is it? I guess finally making this decision to try for something seemingly unattainable is just my way of saying I don’t care what others think. People are always so negative if you have a dream. I just don’t care what they think anymore because I only have to make myself happy. The rest will come...
I feel like these thoughts have been the source of my reclusive habits this last little bit. I felt like if I wasn’t being HAPPY Andrea, than I shouldn’t be bothering people. I know that I have seemingly blown people off, and for that I apologize. Sometimes I become a hermit while I figure things out...
This has been in the works for a long time. A ramble. A real journal entry. Something uncontrived and not a quiz.
I surround myself with these aspiring musicians, directors, writers, and for what? To gaze on admiringly as they attempt to really make a go at their dream. Ben, the incredibly driven young film student. Andrew, an ambitious and talented up and coming music producer. Eric, amazing and courteous bass player. Val/Aaron, personal trainer, musician, avid astrologer, and one of the most intriguing people I’ve ever met. Stacy and Aaron, the hippie/jam band/beautiful couple who surround their life with music, outdoor adventures, and truly experiencing life in a positive, down-to-Earth way. I look at my friends and see that they are really doing it- making their lives unfold with what falsely appears to be perfection and ease. I look at famous musicians and think what if? I don’t want to be a politician, but I want to change things in the world. I see famous people with the time, money, and PR to get things accomplished. Why not? I want to take care of myself and not worry about how I will pay rent. It’s not that anyone really ever has it figured out- none of us do- but I am attracted to the hope, strength, and imagination it requires to maintain an awesome personality while pursuing any type of artistic endeavor. I look at my friends with wonder awe, thinking God, if I only had their talent, their family, their expertise, the time to do it... THEN, then, I could do something great.
For the last two years I have been wallowing in self-pity: jealous of those who had 15 years of dance lessons, voice lessons, parents that came to every theatrical event. I used my lack of training as an excuse not to try. I blamed it on my parents. I listened too hard when adults said "it's too hard to really try for your unattainable dream.. do this instead..." I was trying to make everyone happy excpet myself. Have some pert little answer for what I want to BE when I get older. I wanted to do something that was the BEST, that meant the MOST to changing this world (ie: teaching). Now I realize that I will never affect change unless I stop being hypocritical- that I am a liar and a fake if I urge my siblings and friends to try for their seemingly unreachable goals and yet do not attempt my own. I'm so sick of trying to have everything figured out just so a) my parents can feel better, b) my neighbors can feel better, c) complete strangers think I know what I'm doing. Well, I'm here to say that well, I'm going to BE Andrea for quite awhile, and as for a job, well, I don't define myself by my income. I do want a job I love and have fun at- but no longer will I sell myself short by not telling my real dreams- no matter how crazy or far away they might seem. Really all I need is to focus on a goal and try for it- the rest will fall in place as I figure out what makes me happy. At least I have learned more about myself from this time off- I am in a much better place to realistically pursue my dreams. And my attitude is forever changed. I look back at the sorority girl who wanted everyone to like her and the woman I am today and I gasp. So different, yet so the same- just wiser and tougher- less naive and more worldly. Life is funny and growing up is funny. Just think about the person you were 4 years ago- what's happened since to alter your life forever?
The artistic success of my friends comes from the stamina to continue under pressure, to know their dream is attainable, to get up every day and try to be the best person they can be. From deciding on a specific goal to reach for and working at it. I have been spreading myself thin since high school to make everyone happy. I remember middle school. I may not have been popular, but I had my own group of friends- I didn’t feel as though I had to smile and fake happiness. I took innocence for granted. Then things become more complicated. You have to grow up and make real decisions and everyone pressures you to make up your mind about what you have to “be.” All these other distractions pulled me off course. And yet, I’m glad I did, because I’m going to be a much happier person now that I have the strong desire to do what I really want. I’m fiercely determined to impact this world and have fun doing it.
I think the reason I adore and half envy some of my crazy amazing friends is the fact that they seem to be so sure of what they want. And it’s such a breath of fresh air compared to most people’s desires. Photographer/fashion designer/juvenile reform lawyer; they are striving towards something better than themselves and they know it takes time. Patience and hard work and a clear goal. This is so different from most people that just want to have a high earning job and find happiness only in consumption. They watch TV and that affects what they buy and wear and how they talk and how they raise/educate/misinform their children and then it affects politics. And everybody just soaks up propaganda and it just makes me feel icky:
A belch of bad taste
forever laid waste
the way humans
communicate
An afterthought,
a nice hiccup,
raised the ratings
up and up.
“Oh excuse me,
my name’s TV,
I’ve come to maim
and entertain,
rear your child
by the hand
I’ll do it with my
contraband
of music sports
commercial-free
Oh my god
did you see Britney?
Oh don’t you know,
you all just gonna love me!”
Guess which star did what wait when?
We follow starts like they are friends
He broke up and cheated who?
It’s like a celeb Waterloo
We see people under knives
plastic crying drama lives
Reality is what you see
so nip and tuck at will for free
It makes me so sad to see
such total fake hypocrisy
Politics intertwined
with propaganda blind
Media’s the only way
to penetrate the masses
since teaching for the test
is occupying classes
It’s hard to know who to trust
Every word is bias-filled
we have trigger happy wanderlust
How many have we really killed?
We wonder why our kids choose guns
over toys and books and love
riding bikes is not as fun
I’d rather shoot and loot push shove
They learn it all from watching lies
with hungry naïve staring eyes
then the 6, the 10 o’clock
news that shapes a nation’s shock
“But it was better in the eighties
with money flowin, Gipper reigning.
Everything was just so peachy
We still have our right to free speech!
I give the leaders all my trust
to dig up land for low gas cost
All those ragin lefty hippies
they’ll change their mind when they hit fifty
I’d give them schools all the blame
these kids turn out so dumb and lame
Kids are shootin up their classmates
there is no ‘worse than Watergate’
Why must they make up all this trouble
where’s my remote -
check out that fumble!”
Scratch and sniff your lotto ticket
What’s a teacher union picket?
Raise the bar but not the pay
while makin sure those roads are paved
Take away the choice you see
and we’re close to tyranny
When stubborn pride governs law
the world looks on without applause
You’d rather live as blissful blind
let someone else make up your mind
You think our powerful elected
were honestly selected?
The role models of yester year
I’m afraid were never here
Money makes the world go round
And yet I think it’s going down
the tube is all we know and see
the biased pictures we believe
The smoky room of untold secrets
is laughing at their easy won bets
made to see how long we’d last
giving up our hard-earned cash
They think deathly choices funny
at the cost of voting monkeys
Groomed to watch but not to think
I’m afraid we’re on the brink
Mass destruction of the mind
will be the end of humankind.
So yeah, I appreciate people who agree with me on this kind of stuff. And I want to be more like them. I want to decide on a path and just go for it, heck. I might as well try for more now while I'm young than regret it later.
I think up until now I have been beating myself up with other people’s expectations. Now that my parents know I’m not a saint, now that I am tired of constant partying, now that I am tired of trying to be Everything to Everyone, I feel like I can begin to sort out what I really want for myself and what I stand for. I don’t have to fit into any molds of someone before me or like me. I can just be weird ole Andrea. I just feel so out of place sometimes- it would be refreshing and a life-altering decision to just say the crazy things I really want to do aloud. I laugh about being a rock star jokingly, and I think most girls are taught the only way to be successful is through your husband, ie: marry rock star, marry CEO, marry president, etc... But it’s not true! I want to strive for something as crazy as trying to be a rock star, with the end goal far in sight. And I can do the other things I love to. I saw about 3 minutes of the Food network last night and it was about a female model who makes up to 300,000 a year in modeling jobs and 100,000 in a catering business. She ultimately wants to be a caterer, but why not attempt two awesome professions? Why not use naturally endowed talents to have fun and be successful? People are so linear and one-goal driven- they can't fathom someone like me who doesn't fit in a nice little stereotype. It's amazing to finally feel proud of this fact.
I’ve been so worried about being the best, that if I couldn’t be the best I wouldn’t even try. Call it the woes of perfectionism and procrastination. Unable to decide on a main talent, I have been floundering around wasting my time and trying to experience as much as I can. All I accomplished was alienating myself from my family and true friends. Only as I realize how healing this last year was for myself and my relationships do I see how far away I stepped away from myself. Now I can forgive and learn and move on. It feels amazing just being able to relax. Maybe I needed to experience all of this shite so I could make up my mind. My parents accept me, love me. I accept me, love me. I have so much to live for and I feel like the world is opening itself to me, beckoning, why not? I dare you to try! The only way I will feel complete is to have an underlying hope that what I’m doing has a purpose, that it will affect people- that the world will have been changed a little by me.
In the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series, there is a small booth that contains the cosmos. When a normal person sits down in it, the whole universe is revealed to her. The seemingly infinite expanse of galaxies, stars, creatures, atoms. And the insignificance of her life. Usually the person’s head explodes. But once a man survived. He was a very arrogant man who was very narcissistic and smug. He sat down and saw the endlessness. But his ego was so huge that he just walked out nonplussed.
Most people, when faced with deep questions about life, are almost terrified of that abyss; that booth that reveals your insignificance. They shy away from it and depend on religion, their upbringing, their comfort zones to protect them. Some have faith in God, or no god. Either way, no one knows, so why judge? Why not keep keeping on? Why not just really give it a go? Being close-minded on any issue is evidence that you are afraid of change- of anything different from you. You want to solidify life, devoid it of change, just to feel better. Don’t think about it. Drink. Smoke. Watch TV. Screw. Go to church. Gossip. Eat. Routine makes us feel like life is stable. We allow ourselves to stop thinking, placate time with inactivity, avoid wondering about why we are here. Why do you think death stirs us? It reminds us of those questions, it reminds us to take the most from each day- make it the most.
When people stop asking those questions, it leads to apathy and ignorance and propaganda and frivolous, self-serving leaders. The whole system teaches us to consume, feel better. Take this, feel better. And the small minority of people who understand this are a)addicted, b)voiceless, c)do nothing about it, d)waste their resources.
I REBEL against apathy. It is the opposite of anything human and empathetic. It’s what media, leaders, and our choices are teaching the youth of today. I’ve been guiding myself through the opinions of people who do not understand or believe in me. My peers; who consume too much. My parents; who can not grasp the questions. My siblings who haven’t experienced what I have. My friends; who are not me. I can only decide for myself what feels right to my heart. I have been taught to care too much about every other opinion but my own. That being great will not pay the bills so find something easier to do so you can take care of yourself in the “real world.” And then told that I can accomplish my dreams if I try. That I can do anything I want to do. Which one is it? I guess finally making this decision to try for something seemingly unattainable is just my way of saying I don’t care what others think. People are always so negative if you have a dream. I just don’t care what they think anymore because I only have to make myself happy. The rest will come...
I feel like these thoughts have been the source of my reclusive habits this last little bit. I felt like if I wasn’t being HAPPY Andrea, than I shouldn’t be bothering people. I know that I have seemingly blown people off, and for that I apologize. Sometimes I become a hermit while I figure things out...
This has been in the works for a long time. A ramble. A real journal entry. Something uncontrived and not a quiz.