Eight days and counting.....
Long time no post. It’s funny how that happens. If you look back over the stretch of my live journal career, the times where I have avoided reality is where I drop out of posting. There’s a reason for that. All of my life I avoid conflict and run away. I ran away 12 hours to a school where I knew no one. Then to another city where I alienated my family. Then to a drug-filled apartment where I finally felt trapped enough to just suffer and pretend everything was okay to the external world. Now I am here and tired. I am completely exhausted from living a dual life. Last Sunday I finally started being honest with myself and my family.
I told my parents about my habits and they are being really supportive. I quit Outback (one more week to go) because I just can’t be around all the people I used to smoke with or buy from. I am so looking forward to spending time with myself. I am the one who’s going to be in my head forever- it’s time I start paying attention to what makes me happy, really happy; not just a string of unremembered nights, casual sex, and acquaintance friends. It’s been a week and I feel like every day I come more and more out of a haze. I remembered my dream from last night. I am remembering so much; words, memories, the ability to speak without long pauses. A lot of regret and guilt. That’s why I suppressed so much to begin with- because I didn’t want to remember. Now I am facing the fact that I can’t continue to self-medicate; it’s just a slow suicide.
This past week marked the second anniversary of my suicide attempt. Even now I look back and see I didn’t want to die, I was sick and desperate and wanted peace. I thought that by hurting myself I could make it all go away. Except I realize now that life is hard. And mine really isn’t that hard compared to all the unfortunate souls who worry about whether they’ll have something to eat or a place to sleep each day. I put myself into situations where I should have been killed, raped, abused, or could’ve died by my own hand. And I’m still here. I am blessed- I guess God has something I need to accomplish before I leave this world. It’s a miracle I’m still here.
Finally understanding I have friends (and family) that truly care is one of the most incredible realizations of my life. This past Saturday I went out with Emily, my best friend from high school. Actually, she is probably my best friend any time, any place; she doesn’t really need that petty classification. She is one of those amazing people who don’t seem to be affected by time or circumstance. Our conversation and commitment to each other picked up where we left off. We went on a lovely dinner date where we discussed everything that had been going on in our lives. She is dating Mr. Right and is finished with school and working at the University of Michigan Hospital. I am so impressed with her and her outlook on life. We also saw Million Dollar Baby. Talk about inspiration- even Hilary’s Swank’s preparation for that movie could move someone to get their life together. I left full of tears and thoughts:
What if that happened to me? What if I died tomorrow or became handicapped? What the hell have I done with my life to merit anything special besides empty promises and dreams? I need to stop wasting my time and talent on getting blitzed all the time. Develop better coping skills instead of externally taking something in to make myself feel better. Like tonight, when I got irritated and worried about finally sending in my Michigan application (yes! it's done!) I went on the treadmill for 25 minutes and took a shower instead of going to smoke a bowl. I begin to understand my sober friends now. And appreciate them for having a clear vision of themselves and their futures. I begin to see all the poor decisions I’ve made. I want to apologize to all those I’ve let down- all the times I was late or didn’t show up, spent time with some stupid lust interest instead of my friends. Hurt my body and mind.
Those down South have no idea. They didn’t know me in high school or even see me in college. They saw a young messed up girl living from day to day, stoned almost 24/7, paranoid and upset about what everyone else thought of her. They never saw the Andrea exuberant and active, intelligent and radiant. And most people just see my parents as overbearing or overprotective. Well they've come a long way. And I realize now that I can be happy without doing exactly what they want- they just want me to be healthy, happy, and productive. The restraints of yester-year are falling away and I realize that I will never have another set of parents that support me like they do. I already tried that once and look where it got me....
I am dating someone who truly makes me feel beautiful inside and out. It’s funny because I was already on the road to feeling this way, he just put the icing on the cake. Being with someone can not only open you up to another human being and way of life, but it opens you up to discover more about yourself. It blatantly and continually points out my faults and my insecurities. And it gives me the strength to talk about them to someone who not only encourages me, but sticks by me. No longer will I settle for someone who can not see how wonderful I am. No longer will I waste my time trying to “better” myself for someone else’s idea of a perfect and pretty girlfriend. I have too much going for me not to be treated like the princess I am. The mature and wise woman I am becoming.
Andrew is quitting too and it’s the weirdest thing. Several of his friends are either cutting back or stopping too. Who knows how long it will last- maybe he’s just doing it to be with me and he’ll revert back to being a pothead if things don’t work out. But I know now that I can’t date someone who aches inside to constantly be numb- the path of apathy is not for me anymore. I have too much brilliant empathetic energy and creative ideas to affect change in this world. It’s too bad that I couldn’t have discovered this before I placated two years of my life with substance abuse. Before I found myself behind in educational and emotional development.
Sometimes I am too hard on myself. Friends like Emily point this out; they continue to remind me of the person I can barely see. I’m beginning to get a clearer vision of her, as each day passes and the fog in my head fades. She walks with her head high but isn’t snobby. She is caring and friendly, but not fake. She is intellectual and inquisitive, not pretentious. She is funny and goofy, not ostentatious. She is the woman I hope I am becoming....
I told my parents about my habits and they are being really supportive. I quit Outback (one more week to go) because I just can’t be around all the people I used to smoke with or buy from. I am so looking forward to spending time with myself. I am the one who’s going to be in my head forever- it’s time I start paying attention to what makes me happy, really happy; not just a string of unremembered nights, casual sex, and acquaintance friends. It’s been a week and I feel like every day I come more and more out of a haze. I remembered my dream from last night. I am remembering so much; words, memories, the ability to speak without long pauses. A lot of regret and guilt. That’s why I suppressed so much to begin with- because I didn’t want to remember. Now I am facing the fact that I can’t continue to self-medicate; it’s just a slow suicide.
This past week marked the second anniversary of my suicide attempt. Even now I look back and see I didn’t want to die, I was sick and desperate and wanted peace. I thought that by hurting myself I could make it all go away. Except I realize now that life is hard. And mine really isn’t that hard compared to all the unfortunate souls who worry about whether they’ll have something to eat or a place to sleep each day. I put myself into situations where I should have been killed, raped, abused, or could’ve died by my own hand. And I’m still here. I am blessed- I guess God has something I need to accomplish before I leave this world. It’s a miracle I’m still here.
Finally understanding I have friends (and family) that truly care is one of the most incredible realizations of my life. This past Saturday I went out with Emily, my best friend from high school. Actually, she is probably my best friend any time, any place; she doesn’t really need that petty classification. She is one of those amazing people who don’t seem to be affected by time or circumstance. Our conversation and commitment to each other picked up where we left off. We went on a lovely dinner date where we discussed everything that had been going on in our lives. She is dating Mr. Right and is finished with school and working at the University of Michigan Hospital. I am so impressed with her and her outlook on life. We also saw Million Dollar Baby. Talk about inspiration- even Hilary’s Swank’s preparation for that movie could move someone to get their life together. I left full of tears and thoughts:
What if that happened to me? What if I died tomorrow or became handicapped? What the hell have I done with my life to merit anything special besides empty promises and dreams? I need to stop wasting my time and talent on getting blitzed all the time. Develop better coping skills instead of externally taking something in to make myself feel better. Like tonight, when I got irritated and worried about finally sending in my Michigan application (yes! it's done!) I went on the treadmill for 25 minutes and took a shower instead of going to smoke a bowl. I begin to understand my sober friends now. And appreciate them for having a clear vision of themselves and their futures. I begin to see all the poor decisions I’ve made. I want to apologize to all those I’ve let down- all the times I was late or didn’t show up, spent time with some stupid lust interest instead of my friends. Hurt my body and mind.
Those down South have no idea. They didn’t know me in high school or even see me in college. They saw a young messed up girl living from day to day, stoned almost 24/7, paranoid and upset about what everyone else thought of her. They never saw the Andrea exuberant and active, intelligent and radiant. And most people just see my parents as overbearing or overprotective. Well they've come a long way. And I realize now that I can be happy without doing exactly what they want- they just want me to be healthy, happy, and productive. The restraints of yester-year are falling away and I realize that I will never have another set of parents that support me like they do. I already tried that once and look where it got me....
I am dating someone who truly makes me feel beautiful inside and out. It’s funny because I was already on the road to feeling this way, he just put the icing on the cake. Being with someone can not only open you up to another human being and way of life, but it opens you up to discover more about yourself. It blatantly and continually points out my faults and my insecurities. And it gives me the strength to talk about them to someone who not only encourages me, but sticks by me. No longer will I settle for someone who can not see how wonderful I am. No longer will I waste my time trying to “better” myself for someone else’s idea of a perfect and pretty girlfriend. I have too much going for me not to be treated like the princess I am. The mature and wise woman I am becoming.
Andrew is quitting too and it’s the weirdest thing. Several of his friends are either cutting back or stopping too. Who knows how long it will last- maybe he’s just doing it to be with me and he’ll revert back to being a pothead if things don’t work out. But I know now that I can’t date someone who aches inside to constantly be numb- the path of apathy is not for me anymore. I have too much brilliant empathetic energy and creative ideas to affect change in this world. It’s too bad that I couldn’t have discovered this before I placated two years of my life with substance abuse. Before I found myself behind in educational and emotional development.
Sometimes I am too hard on myself. Friends like Emily point this out; they continue to remind me of the person I can barely see. I’m beginning to get a clearer vision of her, as each day passes and the fog in my head fades. She walks with her head high but isn’t snobby. She is caring and friendly, but not fake. She is intellectual and inquisitive, not pretentious. She is funny and goofy, not ostentatious. She is the woman I hope I am becoming....