This is where my life atrophies
I'm up on a computer at 4 AM... It has been a while since I've been this way. ...No, I'm, unusually, not being sarcastic.
Well, let's just be straightforward, damn it.
I'm in such disarray as far as my life with Scott goes. Only on the inside, at least. It has come to just about a year since we've started living together. I don't know if I still want this. I feel like I need to be without a lover for a while. I've figured out that in the last 10 years, I have not gone more than 3 months of being single. I don't know what to make of it, but from what I can recollect, I have fonder memories of being alone. The good memories are literally of just of me being in entire solitude. Yes, I do have a lot of unforgettable memories with a lot of friends and exes, but I used to enjoy the living Hell out of writing and reading. I always did those kinds of things best alone like most people. I suppose it's just because I didn't get that all too much. Now, I don't get any of that whatsoever.
I want to go back to school and I want to be by myself for some time, but I can't bear the thought of Scott suffering. However... this dilemma isn't anything like a catch 22. I have Scott on this hand... and on the other, I've been fancying another... I guess it's fucked up. But this other... this other is a Hell of a guy... I can't deal with this for much longer. Something is going to give one way or another. I can not wait until I get the sense to figure out what I want and the balls to act upon my desire...
Because of my past, I feel like I work in a way where I always have to have someone... whether it's in front of me or in my head. This is [my] weak[ness].
Well, let's just be straightforward, damn it.
I'm in such disarray as far as my life with Scott goes. Only on the inside, at least. It has come to just about a year since we've started living together. I don't know if I still want this. I feel like I need to be without a lover for a while. I've figured out that in the last 10 years, I have not gone more than 3 months of being single. I don't know what to make of it, but from what I can recollect, I have fonder memories of being alone. The good memories are literally of just of me being in entire solitude. Yes, I do have a lot of unforgettable memories with a lot of friends and exes, but I used to enjoy the living Hell out of writing and reading. I always did those kinds of things best alone like most people. I suppose it's just because I didn't get that all too much. Now, I don't get any of that whatsoever.
I want to go back to school and I want to be by myself for some time, but I can't bear the thought of Scott suffering. However... this dilemma isn't anything like a catch 22. I have Scott on this hand... and on the other, I've been fancying another... I guess it's fucked up. But this other... this other is a Hell of a guy... I can't deal with this for much longer. Something is going to give one way or another. I can not wait until I get the sense to figure out what I want and the balls to act upon my desire...
Because of my past, I feel like I work in a way where I always have to have someone... whether it's in front of me or in my head. This is [my] weak[ness].