Barbelo
A/N: This is a Death Note crack fic. I don’t own Death Note.
***
“What is it you wanted to show us, Ryuuzaki?” the Chief demanded as the taskforce filed in. He was already on the defensive when L once again demanded that his son attend the meeting. You’d have to be blind not to see that the strange, reclusive man had become seriously obsessed with the teen. On some days Souichiro thought rather uncharitably that L’s accusing Light may just a pretext to be sniffing around his son.
“I simply wished to ask Light-kun about some rather curious footage I obtained the other day…” the peculiar detective said artlessly as he popped in the VHS tape and a moment later the grainy security footage began to play out before the taskforce.
“Oh, wow! Who is that girl?” asked Matsuda as he practically drooled on the screen.
Light’s blood ran cold.
***
Light posed in front of Misa’s full-length mirror in the pastel pink, puffed out, frilly Lolita dress. It was all flowers, ribbons, and lace and Light thought it made him look like a doll that belonged at a tea party thrown by a six year old girl. The righteous killer fought to keep the frown off his face because it truly was perfect for his purposes. He fought harder when Misa suddenly leapt up behind him, squealing, declaring him to be “oh-so-cute!”
His self-proclaimed “girlfriend’s” reaction had been fascinating to watch as she alternated from cooing over his “adorableness” to her barely heard sighs of disappointment. That was when the teen genius was struck by the sudden idea that maybe if he could convince Misa that he was gay he could gently coax her out of this unhealthy “love” she had for him and into a much healthier platonic relationship between God and his worshipper.
Not that he was really gay of course! He just didn’t have any sexual interest in the vapid morons he went to school with. His intelligence was just so far above them he might as well be surrounded by great apes and you don’t go around screwing apes now, do you? No, of course not! To Light’s great annoyance, he found that the only other human being on the planet that could ever come close to matching his brilliance was a certain obnoxious detective with a sugar fetish but that would just be… wrong! L was a male so that would be, like, gay… which as a perfect, aspiring God of the New World he most definitely was not! And not only was L a male but a very ugly male at that with some of the most disgusting, annoying, no, infuriating habits that Light had ever seen! Oh and there was also the little matter of how L was deadest on seeing him executed so despite the detective’s amazing intellect they definitely were not compatible. Even if L was actually capable of intelligent conversation and some of his mannerisms could be kind of… cute. (Light immediately killed that line of thought.)
As he got ready to leave, Light overheard Misa’s drawn out sigh and complaining to Rem about how all the good men batted for the other team and, no, it wouldn’t be fair to kill him for that and if Light really couldn’t be her boyfriend Misa was still determined to be his bestest friend ever!
Just as planned. Light smirked as he readjusted the pink leather purse strap so that it didn’t get entangled in the white frilly lace of the dress.
He had selected this dress in particular because it was the most “innocent” item in Misa’s wardrobe. It looked almost… wholesome. That’s what he was going for. Light was fairly confident with his profile-that this vile criminal scumbag was looking for “innocence” to defile. If anyone had suggested to him a week ago that his duties as Kira would eventually lead to him putting on a dress he would have laughed and then killed whoever dared suggest it.
That was before a string of serial rapes and murderers began to occur near Sayu’s junior high school. Kira would’ve loved to have just passed judgment on this filth but the media had no clue who was behind these crimes, there were no pictures or anything! Light had no luck with the police database, either. If they had any suspects they weren’t saying anything.
What did it say if God couldn’t protect his own little sister?
No, such filth did not belong in his New World! This guy was going down! Kira would just have to get creative...
Of course he hadn’t immediately leapt to doing something as absurd as cross dressing and using himself as his own chess piece. He had drafted up and discarded dozens of plans before coming to this. He’d even briefly considered using Misa as bait but ultimately decided he could never conceivably use her that way. Not only would Rem destroy him if he so much as suggested it but Misa couldn’t hope to pull off “innocent” and “wholesome” if her life depended on it-not in her usual outfits. And, loathe as he was to admit it, it would be an overall strategically poor choice to endanger Misa. Of course Light would have loved to be rid of Misa what with her idiocy, delusions, and the security risk that she posed-in truth he hated her as much as he hated L! (Though Light granted that Misa had her very own breed of obnoxious, Misa’s was grating and infuriating whereas L was more… confusing and infuriating, but they were both infuriating nonetheless.) Unfortunately Light still had use of her Eyes, one of Kira’s greatest weapons, second only to the Death Note itself so whenever Misa engaged in her clingy, obnoxious behavior and fangirl shrieking he’d just have to thole it out. Light was sure that this was a Faustian bargain second only to actually making the Eye Deal. It was a crying shame he couldn’t just pluck out her thrice damned eyes and just discard the annoying package. Though Light could grudgingly admit that there were (rare) times that having Misa around actually came in handy… or at least having access to her resources. Naturally, Misa’s closet had proved invaluable for this plan.
Ryuk had watched with great mirth as Light selected the dress, a wig, a pink, broad-rimmed floral hat, stuffed his chest (surely B-cup should be sufficient-he didn’t want to go overboard with this), got all decked out in lace and ribbons, practiced walking with a feminine gait, and sternly informed Misa that no, he would not be wearing high heeled shoes, regardless of how pretty or fashionable they were , they were just murder on his feet! And no, he would especially not be wearing hers since they didn’t even have the same shoe size! Ultimately Light had decided on steel toed combat boots with nifty retracting toe blades-not only were they much more comfortable to wear but his unconventional shoe-choice was easily hidden beneath the puffy folds of the dress. The boots (which he affectionately dubbed “the Death Boots”) would be a readily available Plan B. Yes, Misa would be killing this guy but a lot could happen in forty seconds and the aspiring God of the New World was disinclined to becoming victim number eight.
As he’d strolled down the street towards his sister’s school Ryuk had teased him about just how comfortable he looked while wearing a dress. Light had just scoffed at that. Of course he was comfortable wearing a dress. This was hardly his first time wearing one-he’d been roped into playing a female role in school productions when their little group had been short on actual girls on more than one occasion. It wasn’t as bad as he’d thought it would be and he was actually quite good at it-he just had to get into the part. (The drama teacher had been oh-so disappointed when he didn’t sign up for his class this year, he said he was a natural, but Light felt that would have been a waste of his genius. He was going to join the NPA one day and he did not like to waste his time on frivolous things.) So Light had reasoned that if he was capable of getting up in front of the entire school in a stupid dress he could certainly wear one just for the sake of taking out this loser who wouldn’t even live to tell the tale.
So now he looked the part (and Ryuk continued to tease him mercilessly-Light resolved to simply ignore the snickering monster and vowed he would have his revenge on the Shinigami later in the form of apple deprivation). Now all he had to do was get close enough to the perpetrator in order to get his face, snap a picture on his cellphone, and send it to Misa who was waiting to kill on his command. If all went smoothly then perhaps he could even use this as a trial run for when he eventually got rid of L…. Of course he would have done so already but then L had to go around making insinuations about him being Kira again and that if L were to die he’d be suspected immediately. No, he’d just have to wait it out-if he could just wait it out long enough without drawing any more suspicion onto himself then it would begin to look like that weirdo foreign detective was just crying wolf, or “crying Kira” as the case may be, and trying to discredit the Japanese police by constantly accusing the department head’s “innocent son.” Hell, if he played his card rights maybe the police would even drive L out for him.
Speaking of innocent, it was time to affect all the mannerisms and insecurities of a sweet young girl while skipping down a dark alleyway...
In the end The Plan had worked a bit too well. For a moment there his prey had actually managed to surprise him, to overpower him. But Light took advantage of that moment of surprise and confusion when his attacker had discovered his lack of female parts to execute a particularly well-aimed kick, planting the business end of one of the Death Boots (and its blade) in his attacker’s shin. While the guy was howling in pain Light managed to snap that picture for Misa before running like hell. Though this endeavor was greatly hindered by the bulky dress and Light could hear the bastard gaining on him. He sounded pretty pissed. Luckily for Light’s remaining lifespan (and anal virginity) the pic was clear enough for Misa to get the face and hence the name of his attacker. Misa wrote the name “Orochi Kentaku” in the Death Note with pink glitter pen. Light had had a disturbing laughing fit when he’d seen the name.
Seriously, what the hell had his parents been thinking? That was worse than being named the English word “Light” spelled with the four-stroke character for moon! (Many of his more superstitious classmates had teased him for that; said he was going to grow up to be a psycho killer because of it-as if a God could be crazy!)
Forty seconds later the man stopped his pursuit and got that blank look in his eyes that let him know the Death Note had gone into effect. Light had carefully pre-scripted the cause of death-how the perpetrator would become suicidally depressed, stop whatever he was doing right that moment, and report to the nearest police station in order to confess to all his crimes. He would then kill himself about a week later while still in police custody. Not only would this give the victims closure, but this should also draw the suspicion away from himself and avoid the police linking it to Kira.
He’d taken care to congratulate Misa on her good work afterwards and as expected the girl ate up any praise he gave her. Though he resented being forced to put up with Misa, her Eyes had again proved to be most useful. It must be fate. When Misa embraced, worried, and fussed over him yet again Light had to wonder if he was Fate’s Chosen or Fate’s Bitch. Light had to stop himself from scoffing aloud when Misa cried that she’d been so scared for him. As if there was any real danger! Such trash would never be a match for the God of the New World! Still Light put up with Misa’s fussing and even played at being her good friend. He was, after all, a talented actor.
***
Light suppressed a groan as the taskforce unknowingly lusted after Kira in a dress. He hadn’t realized he’d been caught on camera. It was nothing too incriminating and there was nothing involving Kentaku-it was just a looped video of him walking down the street in that… outfit. Nothing to worry about, really-with the wig and the makeup it didn’t even look like him…
“Hey, Yagami-kun, you don’t happen to have a long lost sister or something?”
“What are you saying, Matsuda?!” demanded Chief Yagami.
“Well she kind of looks like Light-kun…”
“‘She’ is Light-kun,” the world’s greatest detective added ever so helpfully before popping a handful of M&Ms into his mouth.
The taskforce glanced between the television screen to the handsome young college student speculatively.
Light folded his arms across his chest and with a calculated casualness leaned against the doorframe as he informed the assembled officers “That’s not me,” in a tone that held absolute contempt for this line of inquiry and brooked no room for argument.
Light tossed his bangs slightly to further display his boredom at the proceedings and L began… giggling. That was… unnerving to say the least.
“It’s not me,” Light insisted again, trying to project the feeling in both his tone and inflection that not only was Ryuuzaki wrong in his assessment but that this was all completely unnecessary and a total, unjustifiable waste of time. It seemed to work on most of the assembled officers…
“Ohhh… Is this like a Norman Bates sort of thing?”
…except for Matsuda who seemed to be nearly as immune to good social graces as Ryuuzaki.
“Shut up, Matsuda!” hissed Aizawa when it looked like the Chief was about to blow a gasket.
“It’s not!” Light assured his father.
“The computer is 98% certain it is you, Light-kun.”
“Well the computer is wrong. I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing that!”
“If it’s not you then you don’t mind what I do with this footage?”
Light told himself it was of no matter if L had this video, since they could never link him to Kentaku’s death or even positively identify him. It was all circumstantial at best.
“It’s not me, Ryuuzaki. Do whatever you want.”
“Good, because I’ve already posted it to Yuutoob,” the bane of Light’s existence said with a troll-like grin.
With a click of the mouse another version of the video had filled up his laptop screen, this one had obnoxious Flash effects and a musical accompaniment by Aerosmith: “Baaam! Baaam! Dude Looks Like A Lady!” The video, posted by one SherLocksCake12, was entitled
“Touhou Honors Student Light Yagami Dressing In Drag.”
Light suppressed another groan. It already had like ten million hits.
“That’s slander, Ryuuzaki.”
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Light-kun makes a very pretty girl. Killing the criminal was wrong though,” L said reproachfully, as if scolding a naughty child.
“What? Killing… I have no idea what you’re talking about, Ryuuzaki. I certainly didn’t kill anyone,” Light insisted, surprisingly not even having to lie this time because, technically, he didn’t kill Kentaku. Misa did. “… and that isn’t me!”
“You don’t mind if we search your room then?”
“Go right ahead.” Light said, dismissing the matter entirely with a wave of his hand.
When L kept up his obsessive stalking of him, Light had found it prudent to disable his desk trap and move the Death Note to a more remote hiding place earlier that week. They’d find nothing incriminating in his room. And even though he was fairly confident that the investigators didn’t know about Misa he’d also made sure to burn the dress afterwards (and bought Misa a new one. He just didn’t want to have to listen to Misa throwing a fit over the loss of her dress. He was rather attached to his eardrums, thank you very much.) He had even, with much regret, disposed of the Death Boots. He’d really loved those boots but then it would be a bad idea to leave physical evidence lying around. So it was that he sent them off with a heartfelt mental eulogy before lighting the evidence pyre.
Light grimaced at the memory. Misa had sensed his foul mood and had tried to “cheer him up” afterwards. It seemed she’d already put the incident with the dress and the not so subtle hints he’d suggested to her about his sexuality and lack of interest in her out of her mind because she was already suggesting that they have sex again. In Light’s opinion it was hardly fair that he had to burn his awesome boots but be stuck with Misa.
“Er… Is there some reason you called us all here, Ryuuzaki?” demanded Aizawa, “So what if Light Yagami is a transvestite…”
“Watch your tongue!” snapped the Chief.
“But… I’m not…” Light protested feebly but no one was listening. Though inwardly Light was rejoicing that somebody had the balls to call L out on his usual ‘let’s accuse and haze Light Yagami bullshit.’ It got real tiring after a while but he couldn’t protest L’s treatment of him without looking like he had something to hide.
“...Does that have any bearing on the case at all?” finished Aizawa.
Apparently L had been expecting this for he had a Power Point presentation ready for his rebuttal. Light felt a sinking feeling in his stomach as he saw the image of a familiar criminal displayed on the projector.
“Orochi Kentaku. Serial killer, rapist, and sexual sadist who enjoyed torturing young girls. He killed himself while in police custody after confessing to everything. This was very out of character for a hardened criminal like Kentaku. We know that Kira can control people’s actions so it is very likely that Kentaku is one of Kira’s victims.”
“Alright. Again, how does that relate to Light Yagami's dressing…”
“I didn’t!”
“My son would never-”
“…alleged dressing in drag?”
L held up a pallid hand. “I’m getting to that. Now, while he was confessing, Kentaku mentioned that he made a fatal error in choosing his last victim-that he’d actually accosted a boy in drag.” The detective continued in his usual bland tone while giving Light a meaningful look.
Light’s eyes imperceptibly widened in horror.
Shit!
It was such a stupid mistake! He hadn’t thought that Kentaku might consider him to be one of his victims he would need to confess about. It was a good thing he’d already disposed of the evidence.
Meanwhile, L kept talking. “I am impressed by Light-kun’s excellent deductive reasoning skills--he found Kentaku even before I did. The killings occurred around his little sister’s junior high school which gives him the motive. He then used his powers as Kira to control and kill the criminal. Of course this is all just conjecture at this point. If Light-kun is Kira he covers his tracks very well.”
“Think whatever you want, Ryuuzaki. But I didn’t do anything!”
“But I merely wished to commend Light-kun on your good work,” L said innocently.
“Well if nothing is all it takes to earn your respect then I’ll be sure to do it more often.”
“Light-kun, I’d like to see what you look like in a dress,” said L, all the while keeping him locked under his scrutinizing gaze.
“I’d bet you would,” Light snapped, successfully covering his rising panic with irritation.
(Meanwhile in the background the Chief began choking on his coffee.)
***
So it was that L was able to ask Light to stay behind so that he could torture play dress up with Light-kun. It was for the case of course. Light suppressed yet another groan as Ryuk laughed at his misfortune. Light was becoming quite good at that.
The agitated teenager nearly fell out of his chair when L finally emerged from the other room wearing a lacy Victorian dress.
“Ryuuzaki… what?”
L shrugged. “I’ve dressed up for cases before and I figured it was only fair since I obliged Light-kun to do this then that we might do this together so he may feel more comfortable.”
Light couldn’t help but stare and caught himself thinking: Wow… Ryuuzaki looks really good in red, when L shoved a dress at him. Light obediently began to strip, certain that L was just being his pointlessly creepy self again and, once again, he just had to do this if he wanted to prove he had nothing to hide. The teenaged killer gulped when he glanced up to see the way Ryuuzaki was staring at him, his abysmal black eyes staring and staring in his creepy-awful way as if they could see right through him. Light strongly suspected that his anal virginity wasn’t going to survive the fallout of this after all.