Letters from Nowhere
Title: Letters from Nowhere
Author: dracoslovebunny
Pairing: 2Jun
Status: Oneshot
Genre: Romance
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slash (not graphic)
Word count: 6,568
Summary: In which Doojoon has been receiving anonymous letters.
A/N: Written as part of my ongoing ALL-PAIRINGS 15-fic self-challenge. Each fic is a standalone (not part of the same storyline as the others). Fics are prompted by A Little Left of Logical. Title is the prompt. Additional note: Homerun balls are a snack made by Haitai; they are little pastry balls filled with chocolate. Just in case you didn't know.
Previous Installments:
Accident/KiWoon // Imitation of Life/JunWoon // Passing Flame/JunSeung // The Moment/KiSeob // Crave/DooKwang // Massage/DooWoon // Burn/KiSeung // Snack/DongSeob
The Beast members accepted their stacks of fanmail from Dongwoon as the maknae walked around the living room, handing them out. Doojoon tore immediately into the letter on top of his stack, always eager to hear from his fans. As usual, the note was filled with confessions of love and adoration, the handwriting curled and very feminine, with a slight scent of perfume and a few shiny heart stickers. Doojoon read the words with a smile on his face, feeling genuine appreciation for the fan despite how many fan letters he had received over the years. Sometimes he still wondered how things had come to be this way, where all throughout Korea and even overseas there were people who looked at him with adoration and love. He felt so simple compared to all that.
"Tickets to see a slasher fic," Junhyung announced beside him, pulling two tickets from the envelope in his hands.
"That' gonna be hard to top," Kikwang protested. They always compared gifts, trying to see who received the most interesting or unique one.
"Maybe, but I've definitely seen weirder stuff," Yoseob nodded sagely.
"I don't know," Hyunseung added, "I mean, that's just really specific."
Junhyung leaned toward Doojoon, holding out the tickets for him to see the name of the film. "Wanna go? It's for Blood Forgotten."
Doojoon paused in opening his next letter to look. He'd seen ads for the movie. It looked gory. "Sure, when?"
"These tickets are good until the end of the week," Junhyung informed him.
Returning to the task at hand, Doojoon pulled open the blue envelope he was holding. "Sure, I think we can find the time. Maybe we should grab tickets so everyone can go."
"I don't want to," Yoseob immediately protested. "That one looks horrifying."
Dongwoon chuckled. "No, you guys go enjoy yourselves. Me and the other guys can hit up a karaoke bar or something instead."
Doojoon had paused again, looking up at the youngest member to ask, "You sure?"
Dongwoon nodded, already absorbed in opening his next letter.
With a shrug, Doojoon pulled the piece of stationery from the blue envelope. The first thing he noticed was the lack of perfume, glitter, and stickers. The handwriting, too, he noticed, seemed distinctly masculine, without added hearts or swirls and not too overly rounded. There wasn't a single heart drawn on the entire page, as a matter of fact. Before reading the letter, Doojoon checked the bottom, but the person's signature was two large X's instead of a name. He checked the envelope. The letter had been hand-delivered, no postage, and there was no return address either. Returning his gaze to the stationery, he read,
"Yoon Doojoon,
I've been your fan for many years now, even since before your debut. I don't know how many fans can really claim that. I would like to say how heartbroken I am that you were cut from 2pm but I know that if you had stayed with them, you would have never been a part of Beast, and Beast means so much to me that I cannot with a pure heart say that I wish you had been kept with JYP and the other members of OneDay. Thank you for being such an integral part of the Beast family and making it what it is today.
I have admired you for so long that sometimes I wonder if I could get through a day without thinking about you, about the way you speak and sing and dance, even the way you eat and walk and laugh and smile. Everything about you makes my heart swell. I just wanted you to know that.
I will never be able to confess this feeling in person, because I know you would see me and reject me instantly. But in this form, I feel safe enough to at least write the words to you. I love you, Yoon Doojoon, and I always will.
Your biggest fan,
XX"
Doojoon turned the page over to make sure there was nothing on the backside, then looked at the body of the letter again. "Got an anonymous love confession," he told the group. The others raised their eyes from letters of their own to see the note in Doojoon's hand. "No name, no return address. Looks like it might be from a guy, too."
Yoseob, to his left, took the letter and looked it over. "Wow, that's deep. I wonder why they decided to be anonymous."
Doojoon watched as the others each looked at the note as well. "I know, it's strange. I mean, the part about me rejecting them... Like I care about how my fans look or something?"
Junhyhung was the last one to read the note before handing it back to Doojoon. "Maybe it's 'cause they're a guy and don't wanna be seen as gay."
"Hey," Hyunseung defended, "I have a lot of male fans. There's nothing wrong with that."
"Yeah, I wouldn't have a problem with a male admirer," Doojoon added, folding the letter and putting it back in its envelope.
Junhyung pulled a pair of pajama pants out of the packaging laying in his lap and held them up. "A lot of cool stuff in my mail today," he commented, and the group had to laugh at the sight of the Coke logos covering the dark bottoms.
~~~~~~~~~~
On Twitter that night, Doojoon posted:
Received an anonymous fam mail today... Beauties! Never be ashamed of who you are! I love you all no matter your name or face!
~~~~~~~~~~
Doojoon's stomach turned as another gory torture scene filled the theater. He tried his best not to avert his eyes, but on more than one occasion found himself leaning closer to Junhyung to whisper, "This is freaking disgusting."
Junhyung just chuckled softly each time, happily munching on popcorn. Doojoon scowled at his lack of empathy, grabbing a handful of the snack for himself as the blood and gore were replaced by a more neutral scene.
The mindless torture scenes of the first half of the flick were slowly replaced by scenes of explanation and plot thickening drama, and as the idea of ghosts began to introduce itself, occasional light flickering and sudden surprise moments became more of the theme. Doojoon could see Junhyung jumping at some of the scarier moments out of the corner of his eye. He bit back a laugh and sank more comfortably into his seat.
Then a particularly startling scene unfolded, and Doojoon found Junhyung practically climbing into his lap out of shock and fear, a short cry escaping Junhyung in his terror. Doojoon really did laugh then, and Junhyung immediately cleared his throat and returned to his seat. Less than five minutes later, as another shocking scene passed, Doojoon again found himself with a lapful of Junhyung. "Hyung!" Junhyung cried out as he clung to the older man. Doojoon couldn't prevent another laugh, but he patted Junhyung's arm good-naturedly nonetheless. Junhyung, for his part, seemed terribly embarrassed by his behavior and shifted back to his seat with an expression of shame.
When the movie ended and the pair joined the crowd pouring out of the theater, Doojoon let himself laugh openly at Junhyung's behavior. "Hyung!" he mocked the uncharacteristic use of the term from his bandmate. "Hyung!" he called again, then broke out in another laugh.
Junhyung smacked him on the arm. "Next time I'm taking Yoseob."
"Oh come on," Doojoon protested, putting an arm around Junhyung and pulling him closer to his side. "Look, the movie was reeeaaaaly scaaaary, I get it." He laughed again as Junhyung pushed him away. But Junhyung didn't push hard, and there was a smirklike smile playing at the corners of the rapper's mouth. Doojoon pulled Junhyung back to his side with a small, satisfied smile of his own.
~~~~~~~~~~
It had been a week since Doojoon had received the anonymous letter. When he saw the blue envelope in his stack that day, Doojoon immediately pulled it out. Again, there was no return address or postage. He tore open the envelope and read the message inside.
"Yoon Doojoon,
I was flattered that my letter meant enough to you to be mentioned on Twitter. Thank you for that. I want to assure you, though, that I am not ashamed of myself in any way. In fact, it is largely due to Beast's and your influence that I often get a big head about myself and now, unlike how I used to be, I am brimming with self-confidence! You have affected me in so many positive ways.
My problem is that if you knew who I was, I would feel very differently about this dynamic we currently have, where I can feel like I am admiring you from afar, instead of having you know who I am and how I feel. Anonymity gives me strength to confess, to myself and now to you through these letters, how much I care for you. I love you. Thank you for giving me the strength to admit that.
Your biggest fan,
XX"
Again, Doojoon passed the letter around to the group, feeling dumbfounded. "It's like he thinks I'll recognize him at a fanmeeting or something if he tells me his name."
Dongwoon was looking the letter over as he commented, "I don't know, I think it's kind of sweet. He can tell you how he feels and still be okay with himself."
Kikwang took the letter next and added, "Maybe he's just really insecure about being male and liking you so much. Wouldn't you be, if you found yourself feeling something like this towards a guy? I think I would be."
Doojoon just nodded as he tucked the letter into its envelope and placed it with the rest of his fanmail. "I guess so. The curiosity is kind of killing me though."
~~~~~~~~~~
Doojoon's interest was piqued as the photography director told them how they would be paired off for their twosomes photoshoots. There were some "usual" pairings the PDs liked to go with due to the popularity of certain couples in their group. But this director seemed to want to go with some kind of theme for each twosome, and while Dongwoon and Kiwang found themselves preparing for a "sexy" shoot and Yoseob and Hyunseung were giggling together over the idea of their "cute" shoot (and the props involved), Doojoon and Junhyung were being instructed to get changed for their shoot, with an "elegant" theme. Doojoon wasn't even really sure what that entailed.
He always felt a little weird about photoshoots. As he pulled on a black top with a completely bare back and a pair of white pants, he felt the familiar uncomfortable feeling come over him. Not that he would ever let that feeling show in his photos, but it kind of made him feel like a prop or something when he got dressed in such unsuitable clothing.
He met up with Junhyung immediately, and his first thought when he saw the man's similar yet different low-cut black top and somewhat tighter fitting white pants was that even if they were just being dressed up and photographed like glamorous dolls, it sure made Junhyung look good.
As they were set into position, leaning against a white wall with fallen pillars around them, Doojoon did his best to embody whatever "elegant" was supposed to imply. Overall, he seemed to be hitting the nail on the head, because the PD had few instructions for him aside from asking him to adjust his positions at some points. Junhyung, on the other hand, seemed to be getting under the PD's skin.
"No, look more elegant," the PD called out to Junhyung in frustration for the millionth time. "Look at Doojoon, do what he's doing."
The pair looked at each other, neither really knowing what it was that Doojoon was doing that Junhyung wasn't. Then Junhyung's expression, which seemed to be growing darker the more the PD harped on him, softened somewhat.
"That's it, perfect," called the PD finally. "Guys, move in a little closer." They shifted toward each other somewhat awkwardly, but suddenly the PD seemed very pleased with their performance. Doojoon couldn't help the smile that came to his face at the strangeness of this particular photoshoot. "Perfect, Doojoon," came a short bit of praise from behind the camera. The compliment made him smile wider and look at Junhyung again. Junhyung had begun smiling as well.
"Closer, guys," the PD instructed again. Doojoon followed his words, but laughed as he did so, finding himself absurdly close to Junhyung and having to put an arm around him so their arms weren't cramped awkwardly together. The camera seemed to be flashing twice as much as before. But just as he began to really enjoy the shoot, doing his best to look elegant while laughing internally and holding Junhyung close to himself, the PD told them they could leave.
Doojoon stretched out as they stepped off the set. Together, they reviewed the photos they'd taken. As they neared the end, Doojoon found that the photos he had though would have been the funniest and most awkward to him, where he and Junhyung had been altogether too close to one another, were the ones that actually best fit what he thought of as "elegant." He had to admit they looked really good. "These came out better than I expected," Doojoon confessed to Junhyung.
Looking at one image in particular that really seemed to make them both look great, Junhyung commented, "I look bloated."
Doojoon scoffed. "You don't look bloated." He pulled up another picture in which Junhyung looked particularly good. "You look really amazing in these."
Junhyung let out a little 'tch' sound before walking away to change back into his regular clothes.
~~~~~~~~~~
Doojoon rubbed his tired eyes before opening the document he'd been emailed by one of the higher-ups, which contained all the images set to print in their mini photo book. He had to admit that the twosome shots had come out a lot better than the solo shots and the group shots. The PD, it would seem, actually knew what he was doing when he'd decided who to pair off. The flow of pictures in the order they would be printed seemed good to Doojoon, leading in from group photos to individual profiles, then to the paired pictures. He laughed a bit at the playfulness in Hyunseung and Yoseob's pictures, and found himself actually blushing a little in embarrassment for his bandmates while he viewed Dongwoon and Kikwang's shots, which did well as far as sticking by their "sexy" theme. He was glad that had not been his assigned theme.
As the leader viewed his shots with Junhyung, he honestly thought that they had come out the best. Almost every picture chosen had been from the end of the shoot when they'd been crammed close together, but Doojoon found himself interested in one photo in particular, where he himself was a bit out of focus in the foreground, looking off to the left, and Junhyung was the main focus of the image, his eyes on Doojoon and a look about him that could be described as elegant but, for a moment, Doojoon thought of as "smoldering." He couldn't even imagine what Junhyung had been thinking about to attain that kind of look.
Continuing on through the photos, he reached the end section where a solo shot was presented of each of them along with a brief handwritten thank-you to the fans. He read through his own letter, assuring himself that there were no grammatical or spelling issues, then moved onto Hyunseung's, smiling at his scrawled english handwriting. Junhyung's was next, but Doojoon had barely gotten two lines in before stopping, a cold sense of realization traveling its way across his chest.
Doojoon went to his box in their room and grabbed the two blue envelopes he'd kept, pulling out the letters. He returned to his computer and held the letters up to the screen, comparing handwriting. At first Doojoon noted several differences and felt a wave of relief, but then he realized that those "differences" weren't always consistent, as though those aspects of the handwriting were forced isntead of natural, and there were a great number of similarities between the handwriting of the letters and Junhyung's handwriting on the screen.
The leader, shaking his head, scrolled back to the picture he'd had his eyes on before, where Junhyung was looking at him in that particular way. Doojoon couldn't be absolutely certain and didn't want to jump to conclusions, but as he returned to the sample of Junhyung's handwriting and compared them again, he knew they were too similar to be a mere coincidence.
Letting his hands and the letters fall to his lap, Doojoon shook his head again. So, Junhyung was harboring secret feelings for him. It was weird to think about, but it wasn't the end of the world. He wished Junhyung had felt comfortable enough with him to have confessed his feelings in person, though.
~~~~~~~~~~
Over the next week, Doojoon found himself feeling like a dunce. Now that he knew how Junhyung felt, it seemed almost too obvious. He would catch Junhyung looking at him with that look sometimes when he thought Doojoon wasn't paying attention. Even little things like the way Junhyung would lay a hand on his arm or offer him bites of food seemed laced with ulterior intentions. How could he have not noticed before?
He tried not to let it bother him, but it seemed like it was always on his mind now. He wanted to be supportive of his friend and the last thing he wanted was to call him out on everything and make things awkward between them, but unknown to Junhyung things were already getting more and more awkward.
They would go about their normal daily lives, doing things they always did, but now Doojoon felt himself pulling further and further away from Junhyung, afraid of giving him the wrong impression. He wouldn't change in front of Junhyung anymore, not even just his shirt. He avoided any situations in which they would end up alone together. Above all, he began addressing Junhyung in slightly more formal ways, taking away that little bit of connection.
It wasn't long before he realized that he genuinely missed spending time with Junhyung. Things were so different now that he knew, and he was glad Junhyung hadn't confessed his feelings in person, knowing that it would have made this a hundred times worse.
He had nothing against Junhyung. He really didn't mind that his bandmate harbored secret feelings. In fact, it was kind of flattering. But he didn't want to lead Junhyung on and hurt him even more than he was hurting now. Still, it was difficult to maintain the distance. Doojoon hadn't really fully appreciated how much time Junhyung had managed to spend with him, and there was a distinct drop in the amount of fun in his daily routine without the sarcastic rapper there at every turn.
It had been a week since he'd made his discovery about the identity of his secret admirer. He had barely seen Junhyung in the past 24 hours. If he was being completely honest with himself, he felt kind of lost without the younger man by his side. Things were vastly different without him.
So he wasn't surprised, though he was slightly disappointed, when Junhyung finally cornered him and asked, "Why are you being so weird?"
"I'm not being weird," Doojoon replied, trying to walk around Junhyung.
Junhyung kept him in place with his arm, his hand pressed to the wall. "You're being weird."
"Why are you being weird?" Doojoon returned, again trying to get around the rapper.
"How am I being weird?"
Doojoon sighed and raked a hand through his hair. "I don't know, forget I said anything."
"No, what are you talking about? And you're avoiding my question."
"Look, I just think we're... I think it's for the best if we just don't spend as much time together."
Junhyung dropped his arm, his brow furrowing. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"I don't know... I think maybe someone will get the wrong idea or something."
Junhyung shook his head, at a loss for words. Then his eyes lit up. "Oh, is this about the photobook, with our 'couple shots'? You think people will think something's up?"
Doojoon huffed but accepted the easy path, lying to his friend, "Yeah, exactly."
With a scoff, Junhyung pushed at Doojoon's arm. "Since when do you let stuff like that bother you?" Junhyung rolled his eyes. "I thought you were gonna get all serious on me. Come on, I owe you a bite to eat since you treated me last time. Let's go get ramen or something."
Doojoon felt he really had no choice but to follow Junhyung, unless he wanted to come clean about knowing that Junhyung had written the letters.
They made their way across town to the small noodle shop they frequented. The friendly older lady who ran the shop didn't even have to take their order as she seated them, simply confirming that they would be having their usual.
As they dug into their meal, Doojoon felt a little strange, but he slowly began to realize that just because he knew about Junhyung's feelings, it didn't mean anything was different. They talked together about the same things they always talked about, they laughed together. Doojoon felt himself beginning to relax around Junhyung again. Things could still be fun and friendly. He just had to be careful not to be too friendly.
~~~~~~~~~~
Doojoon approached Junhyung from behind, looking over his shoulder at the snack Junhyung had put on the counter. "Homerun balls," he commented, grabbing one and popping it into his mouth.
"Mmm," Junhyung said around his mouthful, turning to lean against the counter and face Doojoon. He swallowed the treat and added, "I was feeling like something sweet." He smiled at Doojoon.
"Not exactly the best thing to be eating just before bed," Doojoon commented, returning Junhyung's smile. He picked up two more. "But a treat every now and then never killed anyone." He ate one of the pastries and held the other one out to Junhyung, who accepted the bite, still smiling.
As he looked at Junhyung, he realized that look, that "smoldering" look was back in his eyes, just a little. It made him want to lean closer or put his hand on Junhyung's arm to see if that look would deepen. He felt his heart rate pick up speed, and for a moment he really considered leaning toward the younger man just to see his reaction. They had both finished their bite, but neither of them moved. Slowly, Doojoon noticed how closely they were standing. Somehow he didn't want to step away.
Doojoon took a large step back, looking away from Junhyung, then he turned to leave.
"You're doing it again," Junhyung called after him.
Doojoon stopped. "Doing what?"
Junhyung approached him. "Being weird. Acting like you want nothing to do with me. Again."
Doojoon shook his head. "I'm just going to bed."
"No, every time we're alone you clam up and walk away like I'm dumb enough not to realize you're avoiding me."
Doojoon turned back to face him. "Junhyung -"
"You think I'll get the wrong idea, right? That I'll think you like me?"
With a shake of his head, Doojoon tried to deny the fact. "That's not it, why would I think that?"
"I knew as soon as they asked us to write those thank-you notes to the fans that you were going to put two and two together and figure out I was the anonymous fan. You just did it a lot sooner than I thought you would." Junhyung ran a hand through his hair, exhaling sharply. "I haven't thought you liked me in all the years we've worked together. Why would I start thinking that way now?"
"Junhyung, this is weird. It's awkward, and it's not okay, even though I thought it would be." Doojoon had to look away from Junhyung. "I thought when I figured it out that things would be fine. They've been fine so far, right? But every time I see you, every time you touch me or look at me with that look, it's all I can think about!"
Junhyung furrowed his brow. "What look?"
"That one that makes you look like you're gonna... devour me or something."
Junhyung raised an eyebrow for a long moment, then laughed. "Devour you? Devour you?"
"Yeah, you look all... smolder-y." Doojoon began to see the ridiculousness of the idea.
"I don't want to devour you." Junhyung had lost his smirk. "Doojoon, I'm sorry I never told you in person, and I'm sorry you found out. I'm sorry I ever felt this way. If I could change it, trust me, I would. But don't try to make this something it's not. It's the same as it's always been. I'm not going to trick you into feeling something, I'm not going to try to molest you when you're not looking. And I'm not gonna devour you." His smirk had returned.
Doojoon sighed heavily, returning his gaze to Junhyung's. "I know. Nothing's different except that I know. But... Junhyung... when you look at me like that..." He sighed again. "I don't know. I need to get my head figured out. This has been a lot to take in."
"Tell me how I can help."
Doojoon walked slowly back to the counter and leaned against it. He was silent for awhile before asking, "When did this all start for you?"
Junhyung went with him, leaning next to him. "When we were living in your car, back when Kikwang debuted as Ace Junior."
"Why?"
Junhyung shook his head. "I don't know. You took care of me. You were one of the only people I trusted, outside of Yoseob. You looked adorable when you slept."
"That's weird. But thank you."
"No problem."
"Are you gay, then?"
Junhyung picked up a Homerun ball. "No. Maybe, bisexual? Maybe it's just you. You're the only guy I've ever liked in that way. I try not to look at guys like that just as a general rule, though." He ate the treat.
"Give me one of those," Doojoon instructed. Junhyung held out the pastry, and Doojoon popped it in his mouth, chewing slowly to buy himself time. It was good to get everything out on the table, but it was still an uncomfortable conversation. When he'd finished, he scuffed his foot on the floor, then looked at Junhyung and asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Well, look how things turned out when you figured it out." Junhyung looked up at Doojoon. Doojoon looked away. "It was reckless of me to write you those letters."
"Yeah, it was. Why did you write them?"
Junhyung shrugged. "I didn't say anything to anyone about how I felt for years. Hell, I could barely let myself admit there were feelings there at all. It just... got kind of burdensome. I wanted someone to know, even if they didn't know it was me."
Doojoon stood and turned to face Junhyung, reaching around him for a Homerun ball. He stopped before his hand reached the pastries, and he turned his gaze to Junhyung's. Then he wrapped his arms around Junhyung and pulled him into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry it was hard on you. And for how I've been acting. I know you didn't choose this."
Junhyung was motionless for a long while before gently returning the hug. "Thank you."
~~~~~~~~~~
Doojoon made it a point to not avoid Junhyung. Sometimes, he made it such a point that he found himself alone with Junhyung significantly more than he ever used to be. He knew that driving himself in the opposite direction was barely better than avoiding Junhyung, but with things still so strange between them, Doojoon really didn't know how to react.
Soon, spending so much time together became their norm. Even a few months later, when Doojoon had come to really accept how Junhyung felt for him and no longer thought about it every time they interacted, they still found themselves having meals or going out for fun or a couple drinks together more often than not. In fact, the more time they spent together, the more time Doojoon felt like spending with Junhyung.
So it wasn't unusual when, one night, Junhyung and Doojoon found themselves in Junhyung's bed, lying side by side, Junhyung messing around with sound clips on his laptop which was perched on his stomach, and Doojoon casually listening in on his work.
"Will the new song be ready in time for the upcoming album?" Doojoon asked, leaning toward Junhyung to look at his laptop screen.
"Ah ah," Junhyung hid his work from Doojoon. "You know I don't like when you look at the unfinished product. You're lucky I'm letting you listen in."
"Yeah yeah, I'm lucky that we're spending time together."
"What does that mean?" Junhyung asked in a bored voice.
"Oh, nothing..." Doojoon smiled as he began a sing-song quote from Miss Congeniality, "You want to hug me, you want to love me, you want to hug me -" He was cut short as a pillow impacted his face.
"Knock it off," Junhyung ordered, but his voice made it clear that he wasn't really bothered.
Doojoon chuckled as he placed the pillow under his head. He listened to the sample of music, maybe thirty seconds long, that Junhyung had pieced together.
"What do you think?" Junhyung asked, still clicking away on the screen.
"Sounds good. A little rough, but catchy. I know you can make it work." Doojoon turned onto his side. "I have a really serious question."
Junhyung glanced over to make sure he wasn't kidding, then placed his laptop aside. "Sure, what's up?"
"How did you know for sure that you felt something for me?"
Junhyung groaned and covered his face with a hand. "Are you really gonna bring this up right now?"
Doojoon pulled his hand from his face. "Come on, just answer me. Was there like a moment when you just knew, or was it gradual?"
Junhyung sighed. "It was gradual. I started to notice little things, I wanted to spend all my time around you, I wanted to ask about your day and make sure you were okay, you know, stuff like that. I only realized what all that meant awhile later, when I found myself thinking that it would be nice to do other things with you, too. Skinship things."
"So, what, like, you would just want to look at that person all the time? You would want to talk to them about everything?"
"Yeah... are you getting dating advice from me right now? Doojoon, is there someone you like?"
With a small smile, he replied, "I think so."
A little light disappeared from Junhyung's eyes, but he smiled at Doojoon and asked, "Do they like you too?"
Doojoon nodded. "But I want to be really sure I like them. I don't want it to be just some little crush and to end up embarrassing myself or hurting them if it's not more serious than that. How can I be sure?"
"Well, do you think about skinship with them?"
Doojoon half-shrugged. "We've hugged and held hands and stuff before. I haven't really let myself think of anything past that point though. I didn't want to feel weird around them for thinking like that."
"Then try thinking about it. Like kissing, think about kissing that person."
A smile stole over the leader's face along with a small blush. "I think it would be nice."
Junhyung nudged him. "You seem smitten to me. Who is it?"
Doojoon smiled wider and shook his head.
"Oh, come on, it's not like I'm gonna tell them."
Rolling his gaze away from Junhyung Doojoon replied. "That's not why I don't want to tell you."
Junhyung nudged Doojoon again. "Keeping secrets isn't very nice, Yoon Doojoon."
"Like you have room to talk. You didn't tell me who you liked for years."
"That's different and you know it."
Returning his gaze to Junhyung, Doojoon replied, "It's not really that different."
"What do you mean?"
"Babo." Doojoon grabbed the pillow from under his head and hit Junhyung with it. Then he sat up. "I'm hungry. Let's go get something to eat."
Junhyung decided to let the previous topic drop, getting up as well to join Doojoon.
~~~~~~~~~~
Doojoon watched Junhyung as the rapper stood in the recording booth, recording his part of the title track on their upcoming album. He found himself doing that a lot more lately, just watching Junhyung. After their talk a few nights before, he didn't really mind.
One of the most appealing things to Doojoon about Junhyung was the way he rapped. He knew there were better rappers out there, with more technical skills, but there was something about the way the man drawled his words that Doojooon really liked. He was a little disappointed when it only took Junhyung three tries to get the rap done.
Exiting the booth, Junhyung thanked the others in the room before realizing Doojoon had arrived as well. "What are you doing here?" Junhyung asked, sounding happy to see the older man.
"Thought I'd stop by and see if things came out okay." They left the room together, heading for their van to go back to the dorm.
As they headed down a corridor toward the door, Junhyung asked, "So did you talk to that girl yet?"
"What girl?" Doojoon asked in return.
"The one you like."
"Oh." Doojoon stopped, turning to Junhyung. "Actually, that's the other reason I came here."
"Oh, is she here?" Junhyung asked, looking back down the hallway as though she would pop out of one of the rooms on command.
"Come on, we can talk about it later." Doojoon continued out the door.
"Wow, you're being so secretive about this."
"I wanna do it right," Dojoon insisted.
The van ride was short, and when they got to the dorm they found that the others had snuck out without telling Doojoon ahead of time. His hand was halfway to his phone to call them and demand they come back before he decided to let them have their fun. They had a lot of work to do for the upcoming album, and then they would be booked with promotional schedules for weeks if not months following, so he thought it best to let them enjoy one of their last evenings of freedom before that started.
"Want me to make you something to eat?" Doojoon asked as he walked to the kitchen.
Junhyung followed him. "Is it Jina?"
"I think we have some udon, I know that's not fancy but it's just about the best you'll get out of me." Doojoon pulled out a pot and began filling it with water, then turned to heat up the rangetop.
"Is it Jihyun?"
"Oh! I think we have some chicken I can grill up with this." He moved to the fridge and pulled out the meat.
"Gayoon? Jiyoon? Is it even a member of 4minute?"
"I'm feeling in the mood for something spicy, do you want something spicy?"
"Maybe it's one of the trainees? Is she in Cube?"
"Spicy food it is, then!" He put the pot on to boil and turned to grab a few vegetables out of the fridge.
"Is she even a performer? Maybe it's one of the staff."
"Yes, the person I like is in Cube, and is a performer." He chopped up some green onion and moved on to chop up garlic.
"Well, that's a start at least. When is the next time you'll see her?"
Doojoon slid the green onions and garlic onto a plate, then turned to check if the water was boiling yet. "Should I make some for the guys, or do you think they'll just eat out?"
"Doojoon, why aren't you telling me?"
"Why do you care?" He chopped up the chicken and began preparing a spicy sauce for it.
"Because I care about you."
Doojoon smiled widely. "I care about you, too, Junhyung."
"Okay, then, tell me."
"If you guess right, I'll tell you." He heated up a pan on the rangetop.
"So it's not Jina, Gayoon, Jiyoon, or Jihyun?"
"Nope."
"Is it Hyunah?"
"No." Doojoon added the chicken to the pan, along with the onions, garlic, and spicy sauce.
"Then it's Sohyun."
"No." The water had begun to boil, so he added the udon noodles.
"Doojoon, that's all the female performers in Cube."
"I am aware of that fact." He poked at the chicken, checking its progress.
Junhyung was silent for a long moment before asking, "Do you like a guy?"
"Now you're getting somewhere," Doojoon finally turned to look at the other man.
Junhyung looked a little shocked behind his mask of indifference. "So it's someone from Beast."
"Yes."
"And they like you back, you said?"
"Yep."
"Are you sure they like you?"
"Unless I've ben being lied to for months now, then yes, I'm sure." He turned to stir the noodles and flip the chicken.
"Doojoon?" Junhyung sounded quiet, and had taken a few steps closer to Doojoon.
"Hm?" asked the leader as he stirred the sauce around in the pan.
"How did you find out he liked you?"
Doojoon tasted the sauce, then grabbed some salt to add in. "I got a couple anonymous fan letters, and then I saw his handwriting from the upcoming photobook and realized he wrote them."
"Doojoon?" Junhyung asked again.
Doojoon tasted the sauce to make sure he'd added the right amount of salt. Then he turned to Junhyung with an eyebrow raised in question. "Yeah?"
"Are you messing with me right now?"
He smiled broadly. "No." Turning back to the pan, he took a small spoonful of sauce. He blew on it to cool it down, then offered it to Junhyung. "How does this taste?"
Junhyung accepted the spoonful, seemingly set to autopilot for the moment. "Spicy," he replied, "but good."
"Good." Doojoon poked at the chicken again, then grabbed a serving dish and filled it with the cooked poultry and sauce. Checking the noodles, he saw they were done as well. He turned off the range and asked Junhyung, "Can you hand me the seasoning and veggie packets?"
Junhyung grabbed the little packages off the counter and passed them to Doojoon, who poured them into the pot. "Do you not think this is a big deal?"
Stirring the noodles, Doojoon answered, "I think it's a very big deal. But I'm not going to stop in the middle of cooking and burn the dorm down. You're the one who wanted to talk while I was cooking." He passed the dish of chicken to Junhyung, then lifted the small pot of udon off the stove and brought it to the living room table. Junhyung joined him in the living room shortly, carrying two pairs of chopsticks and two spoons as well as the chicken.
They set the food down, and Doojoon was about to sit when Junhyung commanded, "Stop."
Still smiling, Doojoon stepped close to Junhyung. "What is it?"
"You.. you don't just... drop this kind of thing on someone and then just eat udon."
Gesturing at the table, Doojoon commented, "If you don't want udon, I made chicken, too."
Junhyung shut his eyes. "That's not my point."
Doojoon chuckled and wrapped his arms around Junhyung's shoulders, pulling him into a hug. "I know. I was joking." He kissed the top of Junhyung's head, then pulled away to look at the rapper, who honestly looked like he might cry. "Are you alright?"
Then Junhyung pulled Doojoon back to himself by the front of his shirt and kissed him roughly. Doojoon wound his arms back around Junhyung's shoulders and leaned into the kiss. There was a struggle between their lips for dominance , but in the end neither cared who was leading and who was following, as long as they were kissing. Finally, Doojoon broke their liplock, then pecked Junhyung's cheek, then his ear, and held him in a tight embrace.
"The food is going to get cold," he commented, not making any move toward releasing Junhyung.
Junhyung ran his hands along Doojoon's back, feeling lightheaded. He pulled away after a moment, but instead of turning to sit and enjoy the meal, he kissed Doojoon again, softer this time. As they separated, he said, "Let it get cold."
Doojoon grinned, then tightened his hold on Junhyung and brought their lips together again.
~끝~
Author: dracoslovebunny
Pairing: 2Jun
Status: Oneshot
Genre: Romance
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slash (not graphic)
Word count: 6,568
Summary: In which Doojoon has been receiving anonymous letters.
A/N: Written as part of my ongoing ALL-PAIRINGS 15-fic self-challenge. Each fic is a standalone (not part of the same storyline as the others). Fics are prompted by A Little Left of Logical. Title is the prompt. Additional note: Homerun balls are a snack made by Haitai; they are little pastry balls filled with chocolate. Just in case you didn't know.
Previous Installments:
Accident/KiWoon // Imitation of Life/JunWoon // Passing Flame/JunSeung // The Moment/KiSeob // Crave/DooKwang // Massage/DooWoon // Burn/KiSeung // Snack/DongSeob
The Beast members accepted their stacks of fanmail from Dongwoon as the maknae walked around the living room, handing them out. Doojoon tore immediately into the letter on top of his stack, always eager to hear from his fans. As usual, the note was filled with confessions of love and adoration, the handwriting curled and very feminine, with a slight scent of perfume and a few shiny heart stickers. Doojoon read the words with a smile on his face, feeling genuine appreciation for the fan despite how many fan letters he had received over the years. Sometimes he still wondered how things had come to be this way, where all throughout Korea and even overseas there were people who looked at him with adoration and love. He felt so simple compared to all that.
"Tickets to see a slasher fic," Junhyung announced beside him, pulling two tickets from the envelope in his hands.
"That' gonna be hard to top," Kikwang protested. They always compared gifts, trying to see who received the most interesting or unique one.
"Maybe, but I've definitely seen weirder stuff," Yoseob nodded sagely.
"I don't know," Hyunseung added, "I mean, that's just really specific."
Junhyung leaned toward Doojoon, holding out the tickets for him to see the name of the film. "Wanna go? It's for Blood Forgotten."
Doojoon paused in opening his next letter to look. He'd seen ads for the movie. It looked gory. "Sure, when?"
"These tickets are good until the end of the week," Junhyung informed him.
Returning to the task at hand, Doojoon pulled open the blue envelope he was holding. "Sure, I think we can find the time. Maybe we should grab tickets so everyone can go."
"I don't want to," Yoseob immediately protested. "That one looks horrifying."
Dongwoon chuckled. "No, you guys go enjoy yourselves. Me and the other guys can hit up a karaoke bar or something instead."
Doojoon had paused again, looking up at the youngest member to ask, "You sure?"
Dongwoon nodded, already absorbed in opening his next letter.
With a shrug, Doojoon pulled the piece of stationery from the blue envelope. The first thing he noticed was the lack of perfume, glitter, and stickers. The handwriting, too, he noticed, seemed distinctly masculine, without added hearts or swirls and not too overly rounded. There wasn't a single heart drawn on the entire page, as a matter of fact. Before reading the letter, Doojoon checked the bottom, but the person's signature was two large X's instead of a name. He checked the envelope. The letter had been hand-delivered, no postage, and there was no return address either. Returning his gaze to the stationery, he read,
"Yoon Doojoon,
I've been your fan for many years now, even since before your debut. I don't know how many fans can really claim that. I would like to say how heartbroken I am that you were cut from 2pm but I know that if you had stayed with them, you would have never been a part of Beast, and Beast means so much to me that I cannot with a pure heart say that I wish you had been kept with JYP and the other members of OneDay. Thank you for being such an integral part of the Beast family and making it what it is today.
I have admired you for so long that sometimes I wonder if I could get through a day without thinking about you, about the way you speak and sing and dance, even the way you eat and walk and laugh and smile. Everything about you makes my heart swell. I just wanted you to know that.
I will never be able to confess this feeling in person, because I know you would see me and reject me instantly. But in this form, I feel safe enough to at least write the words to you. I love you, Yoon Doojoon, and I always will.
Your biggest fan,
XX"
Doojoon turned the page over to make sure there was nothing on the backside, then looked at the body of the letter again. "Got an anonymous love confession," he told the group. The others raised their eyes from letters of their own to see the note in Doojoon's hand. "No name, no return address. Looks like it might be from a guy, too."
Yoseob, to his left, took the letter and looked it over. "Wow, that's deep. I wonder why they decided to be anonymous."
Doojoon watched as the others each looked at the note as well. "I know, it's strange. I mean, the part about me rejecting them... Like I care about how my fans look or something?"
Junhyhung was the last one to read the note before handing it back to Doojoon. "Maybe it's 'cause they're a guy and don't wanna be seen as gay."
"Hey," Hyunseung defended, "I have a lot of male fans. There's nothing wrong with that."
"Yeah, I wouldn't have a problem with a male admirer," Doojoon added, folding the letter and putting it back in its envelope.
Junhyung pulled a pair of pajama pants out of the packaging laying in his lap and held them up. "A lot of cool stuff in my mail today," he commented, and the group had to laugh at the sight of the Coke logos covering the dark bottoms.
~~~~~~~~~~
On Twitter that night, Doojoon posted:
Received an anonymous fam mail today... Beauties! Never be ashamed of who you are! I love you all no matter your name or face!
~~~~~~~~~~
Doojoon's stomach turned as another gory torture scene filled the theater. He tried his best not to avert his eyes, but on more than one occasion found himself leaning closer to Junhyung to whisper, "This is freaking disgusting."
Junhyung just chuckled softly each time, happily munching on popcorn. Doojoon scowled at his lack of empathy, grabbing a handful of the snack for himself as the blood and gore were replaced by a more neutral scene.
The mindless torture scenes of the first half of the flick were slowly replaced by scenes of explanation and plot thickening drama, and as the idea of ghosts began to introduce itself, occasional light flickering and sudden surprise moments became more of the theme. Doojoon could see Junhyung jumping at some of the scarier moments out of the corner of his eye. He bit back a laugh and sank more comfortably into his seat.
Then a particularly startling scene unfolded, and Doojoon found Junhyung practically climbing into his lap out of shock and fear, a short cry escaping Junhyung in his terror. Doojoon really did laugh then, and Junhyung immediately cleared his throat and returned to his seat. Less than five minutes later, as another shocking scene passed, Doojoon again found himself with a lapful of Junhyung. "Hyung!" Junhyung cried out as he clung to the older man. Doojoon couldn't prevent another laugh, but he patted Junhyung's arm good-naturedly nonetheless. Junhyung, for his part, seemed terribly embarrassed by his behavior and shifted back to his seat with an expression of shame.
When the movie ended and the pair joined the crowd pouring out of the theater, Doojoon let himself laugh openly at Junhyung's behavior. "Hyung!" he mocked the uncharacteristic use of the term from his bandmate. "Hyung!" he called again, then broke out in another laugh.
Junhyung smacked him on the arm. "Next time I'm taking Yoseob."
"Oh come on," Doojoon protested, putting an arm around Junhyung and pulling him closer to his side. "Look, the movie was reeeaaaaly scaaaary, I get it." He laughed again as Junhyung pushed him away. But Junhyung didn't push hard, and there was a smirklike smile playing at the corners of the rapper's mouth. Doojoon pulled Junhyung back to his side with a small, satisfied smile of his own.
~~~~~~~~~~
It had been a week since Doojoon had received the anonymous letter. When he saw the blue envelope in his stack that day, Doojoon immediately pulled it out. Again, there was no return address or postage. He tore open the envelope and read the message inside.
"Yoon Doojoon,
I was flattered that my letter meant enough to you to be mentioned on Twitter. Thank you for that. I want to assure you, though, that I am not ashamed of myself in any way. In fact, it is largely due to Beast's and your influence that I often get a big head about myself and now, unlike how I used to be, I am brimming with self-confidence! You have affected me in so many positive ways.
My problem is that if you knew who I was, I would feel very differently about this dynamic we currently have, where I can feel like I am admiring you from afar, instead of having you know who I am and how I feel. Anonymity gives me strength to confess, to myself and now to you through these letters, how much I care for you. I love you. Thank you for giving me the strength to admit that.
Your biggest fan,
XX"
Again, Doojoon passed the letter around to the group, feeling dumbfounded. "It's like he thinks I'll recognize him at a fanmeeting or something if he tells me his name."
Dongwoon was looking the letter over as he commented, "I don't know, I think it's kind of sweet. He can tell you how he feels and still be okay with himself."
Kikwang took the letter next and added, "Maybe he's just really insecure about being male and liking you so much. Wouldn't you be, if you found yourself feeling something like this towards a guy? I think I would be."
Doojoon just nodded as he tucked the letter into its envelope and placed it with the rest of his fanmail. "I guess so. The curiosity is kind of killing me though."
~~~~~~~~~~
Doojoon's interest was piqued as the photography director told them how they would be paired off for their twosomes photoshoots. There were some "usual" pairings the PDs liked to go with due to the popularity of certain couples in their group. But this director seemed to want to go with some kind of theme for each twosome, and while Dongwoon and Kiwang found themselves preparing for a "sexy" shoot and Yoseob and Hyunseung were giggling together over the idea of their "cute" shoot (and the props involved), Doojoon and Junhyung were being instructed to get changed for their shoot, with an "elegant" theme. Doojoon wasn't even really sure what that entailed.
He always felt a little weird about photoshoots. As he pulled on a black top with a completely bare back and a pair of white pants, he felt the familiar uncomfortable feeling come over him. Not that he would ever let that feeling show in his photos, but it kind of made him feel like a prop or something when he got dressed in such unsuitable clothing.
He met up with Junhyung immediately, and his first thought when he saw the man's similar yet different low-cut black top and somewhat tighter fitting white pants was that even if they were just being dressed up and photographed like glamorous dolls, it sure made Junhyung look good.
As they were set into position, leaning against a white wall with fallen pillars around them, Doojoon did his best to embody whatever "elegant" was supposed to imply. Overall, he seemed to be hitting the nail on the head, because the PD had few instructions for him aside from asking him to adjust his positions at some points. Junhyung, on the other hand, seemed to be getting under the PD's skin.
"No, look more elegant," the PD called out to Junhyung in frustration for the millionth time. "Look at Doojoon, do what he's doing."
The pair looked at each other, neither really knowing what it was that Doojoon was doing that Junhyung wasn't. Then Junhyung's expression, which seemed to be growing darker the more the PD harped on him, softened somewhat.
"That's it, perfect," called the PD finally. "Guys, move in a little closer." They shifted toward each other somewhat awkwardly, but suddenly the PD seemed very pleased with their performance. Doojoon couldn't help the smile that came to his face at the strangeness of this particular photoshoot. "Perfect, Doojoon," came a short bit of praise from behind the camera. The compliment made him smile wider and look at Junhyung again. Junhyung had begun smiling as well.
"Closer, guys," the PD instructed again. Doojoon followed his words, but laughed as he did so, finding himself absurdly close to Junhyung and having to put an arm around him so their arms weren't cramped awkwardly together. The camera seemed to be flashing twice as much as before. But just as he began to really enjoy the shoot, doing his best to look elegant while laughing internally and holding Junhyung close to himself, the PD told them they could leave.
Doojoon stretched out as they stepped off the set. Together, they reviewed the photos they'd taken. As they neared the end, Doojoon found that the photos he had though would have been the funniest and most awkward to him, where he and Junhyung had been altogether too close to one another, were the ones that actually best fit what he thought of as "elegant." He had to admit they looked really good. "These came out better than I expected," Doojoon confessed to Junhyung.
Looking at one image in particular that really seemed to make them both look great, Junhyung commented, "I look bloated."
Doojoon scoffed. "You don't look bloated." He pulled up another picture in which Junhyung looked particularly good. "You look really amazing in these."
Junhyung let out a little 'tch' sound before walking away to change back into his regular clothes.
~~~~~~~~~~
Doojoon rubbed his tired eyes before opening the document he'd been emailed by one of the higher-ups, which contained all the images set to print in their mini photo book. He had to admit that the twosome shots had come out a lot better than the solo shots and the group shots. The PD, it would seem, actually knew what he was doing when he'd decided who to pair off. The flow of pictures in the order they would be printed seemed good to Doojoon, leading in from group photos to individual profiles, then to the paired pictures. He laughed a bit at the playfulness in Hyunseung and Yoseob's pictures, and found himself actually blushing a little in embarrassment for his bandmates while he viewed Dongwoon and Kikwang's shots, which did well as far as sticking by their "sexy" theme. He was glad that had not been his assigned theme.
As the leader viewed his shots with Junhyung, he honestly thought that they had come out the best. Almost every picture chosen had been from the end of the shoot when they'd been crammed close together, but Doojoon found himself interested in one photo in particular, where he himself was a bit out of focus in the foreground, looking off to the left, and Junhyung was the main focus of the image, his eyes on Doojoon and a look about him that could be described as elegant but, for a moment, Doojoon thought of as "smoldering." He couldn't even imagine what Junhyung had been thinking about to attain that kind of look.
Continuing on through the photos, he reached the end section where a solo shot was presented of each of them along with a brief handwritten thank-you to the fans. He read through his own letter, assuring himself that there were no grammatical or spelling issues, then moved onto Hyunseung's, smiling at his scrawled english handwriting. Junhyung's was next, but Doojoon had barely gotten two lines in before stopping, a cold sense of realization traveling its way across his chest.
Doojoon went to his box in their room and grabbed the two blue envelopes he'd kept, pulling out the letters. He returned to his computer and held the letters up to the screen, comparing handwriting. At first Doojoon noted several differences and felt a wave of relief, but then he realized that those "differences" weren't always consistent, as though those aspects of the handwriting were forced isntead of natural, and there were a great number of similarities between the handwriting of the letters and Junhyung's handwriting on the screen.
The leader, shaking his head, scrolled back to the picture he'd had his eyes on before, where Junhyung was looking at him in that particular way. Doojoon couldn't be absolutely certain and didn't want to jump to conclusions, but as he returned to the sample of Junhyung's handwriting and compared them again, he knew they were too similar to be a mere coincidence.
Letting his hands and the letters fall to his lap, Doojoon shook his head again. So, Junhyung was harboring secret feelings for him. It was weird to think about, but it wasn't the end of the world. He wished Junhyung had felt comfortable enough with him to have confessed his feelings in person, though.
~~~~~~~~~~
Over the next week, Doojoon found himself feeling like a dunce. Now that he knew how Junhyung felt, it seemed almost too obvious. He would catch Junhyung looking at him with that look sometimes when he thought Doojoon wasn't paying attention. Even little things like the way Junhyung would lay a hand on his arm or offer him bites of food seemed laced with ulterior intentions. How could he have not noticed before?
He tried not to let it bother him, but it seemed like it was always on his mind now. He wanted to be supportive of his friend and the last thing he wanted was to call him out on everything and make things awkward between them, but unknown to Junhyung things were already getting more and more awkward.
They would go about their normal daily lives, doing things they always did, but now Doojoon felt himself pulling further and further away from Junhyung, afraid of giving him the wrong impression. He wouldn't change in front of Junhyung anymore, not even just his shirt. He avoided any situations in which they would end up alone together. Above all, he began addressing Junhyung in slightly more formal ways, taking away that little bit of connection.
It wasn't long before he realized that he genuinely missed spending time with Junhyung. Things were so different now that he knew, and he was glad Junhyung hadn't confessed his feelings in person, knowing that it would have made this a hundred times worse.
He had nothing against Junhyung. He really didn't mind that his bandmate harbored secret feelings. In fact, it was kind of flattering. But he didn't want to lead Junhyung on and hurt him even more than he was hurting now. Still, it was difficult to maintain the distance. Doojoon hadn't really fully appreciated how much time Junhyung had managed to spend with him, and there was a distinct drop in the amount of fun in his daily routine without the sarcastic rapper there at every turn.
It had been a week since he'd made his discovery about the identity of his secret admirer. He had barely seen Junhyung in the past 24 hours. If he was being completely honest with himself, he felt kind of lost without the younger man by his side. Things were vastly different without him.
So he wasn't surprised, though he was slightly disappointed, when Junhyung finally cornered him and asked, "Why are you being so weird?"
"I'm not being weird," Doojoon replied, trying to walk around Junhyung.
Junhyung kept him in place with his arm, his hand pressed to the wall. "You're being weird."
"Why are you being weird?" Doojoon returned, again trying to get around the rapper.
"How am I being weird?"
Doojoon sighed and raked a hand through his hair. "I don't know, forget I said anything."
"No, what are you talking about? And you're avoiding my question."
"Look, I just think we're... I think it's for the best if we just don't spend as much time together."
Junhyung dropped his arm, his brow furrowing. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"I don't know... I think maybe someone will get the wrong idea or something."
Junhyung shook his head, at a loss for words. Then his eyes lit up. "Oh, is this about the photobook, with our 'couple shots'? You think people will think something's up?"
Doojoon huffed but accepted the easy path, lying to his friend, "Yeah, exactly."
With a scoff, Junhyung pushed at Doojoon's arm. "Since when do you let stuff like that bother you?" Junhyung rolled his eyes. "I thought you were gonna get all serious on me. Come on, I owe you a bite to eat since you treated me last time. Let's go get ramen or something."
Doojoon felt he really had no choice but to follow Junhyung, unless he wanted to come clean about knowing that Junhyung had written the letters.
They made their way across town to the small noodle shop they frequented. The friendly older lady who ran the shop didn't even have to take their order as she seated them, simply confirming that they would be having their usual.
As they dug into their meal, Doojoon felt a little strange, but he slowly began to realize that just because he knew about Junhyung's feelings, it didn't mean anything was different. They talked together about the same things they always talked about, they laughed together. Doojoon felt himself beginning to relax around Junhyung again. Things could still be fun and friendly. He just had to be careful not to be too friendly.
~~~~~~~~~~
Doojoon approached Junhyung from behind, looking over his shoulder at the snack Junhyung had put on the counter. "Homerun balls," he commented, grabbing one and popping it into his mouth.
"Mmm," Junhyung said around his mouthful, turning to lean against the counter and face Doojoon. He swallowed the treat and added, "I was feeling like something sweet." He smiled at Doojoon.
"Not exactly the best thing to be eating just before bed," Doojoon commented, returning Junhyung's smile. He picked up two more. "But a treat every now and then never killed anyone." He ate one of the pastries and held the other one out to Junhyung, who accepted the bite, still smiling.
As he looked at Junhyung, he realized that look, that "smoldering" look was back in his eyes, just a little. It made him want to lean closer or put his hand on Junhyung's arm to see if that look would deepen. He felt his heart rate pick up speed, and for a moment he really considered leaning toward the younger man just to see his reaction. They had both finished their bite, but neither of them moved. Slowly, Doojoon noticed how closely they were standing. Somehow he didn't want to step away.
Doojoon took a large step back, looking away from Junhyung, then he turned to leave.
"You're doing it again," Junhyung called after him.
Doojoon stopped. "Doing what?"
Junhyung approached him. "Being weird. Acting like you want nothing to do with me. Again."
Doojoon shook his head. "I'm just going to bed."
"No, every time we're alone you clam up and walk away like I'm dumb enough not to realize you're avoiding me."
Doojoon turned back to face him. "Junhyung -"
"You think I'll get the wrong idea, right? That I'll think you like me?"
With a shake of his head, Doojoon tried to deny the fact. "That's not it, why would I think that?"
"I knew as soon as they asked us to write those thank-you notes to the fans that you were going to put two and two together and figure out I was the anonymous fan. You just did it a lot sooner than I thought you would." Junhyung ran a hand through his hair, exhaling sharply. "I haven't thought you liked me in all the years we've worked together. Why would I start thinking that way now?"
"Junhyung, this is weird. It's awkward, and it's not okay, even though I thought it would be." Doojoon had to look away from Junhyung. "I thought when I figured it out that things would be fine. They've been fine so far, right? But every time I see you, every time you touch me or look at me with that look, it's all I can think about!"
Junhyung furrowed his brow. "What look?"
"That one that makes you look like you're gonna... devour me or something."
Junhyung raised an eyebrow for a long moment, then laughed. "Devour you? Devour you?"
"Yeah, you look all... smolder-y." Doojoon began to see the ridiculousness of the idea.
"I don't want to devour you." Junhyung had lost his smirk. "Doojoon, I'm sorry I never told you in person, and I'm sorry you found out. I'm sorry I ever felt this way. If I could change it, trust me, I would. But don't try to make this something it's not. It's the same as it's always been. I'm not going to trick you into feeling something, I'm not going to try to molest you when you're not looking. And I'm not gonna devour you." His smirk had returned.
Doojoon sighed heavily, returning his gaze to Junhyung's. "I know. Nothing's different except that I know. But... Junhyung... when you look at me like that..." He sighed again. "I don't know. I need to get my head figured out. This has been a lot to take in."
"Tell me how I can help."
Doojoon walked slowly back to the counter and leaned against it. He was silent for awhile before asking, "When did this all start for you?"
Junhyung went with him, leaning next to him. "When we were living in your car, back when Kikwang debuted as Ace Junior."
"Why?"
Junhyung shook his head. "I don't know. You took care of me. You were one of the only people I trusted, outside of Yoseob. You looked adorable when you slept."
"That's weird. But thank you."
"No problem."
"Are you gay, then?"
Junhyung picked up a Homerun ball. "No. Maybe, bisexual? Maybe it's just you. You're the only guy I've ever liked in that way. I try not to look at guys like that just as a general rule, though." He ate the treat.
"Give me one of those," Doojoon instructed. Junhyung held out the pastry, and Doojoon popped it in his mouth, chewing slowly to buy himself time. It was good to get everything out on the table, but it was still an uncomfortable conversation. When he'd finished, he scuffed his foot on the floor, then looked at Junhyung and asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Well, look how things turned out when you figured it out." Junhyung looked up at Doojoon. Doojoon looked away. "It was reckless of me to write you those letters."
"Yeah, it was. Why did you write them?"
Junhyung shrugged. "I didn't say anything to anyone about how I felt for years. Hell, I could barely let myself admit there were feelings there at all. It just... got kind of burdensome. I wanted someone to know, even if they didn't know it was me."
Doojoon stood and turned to face Junhyung, reaching around him for a Homerun ball. He stopped before his hand reached the pastries, and he turned his gaze to Junhyung's. Then he wrapped his arms around Junhyung and pulled him into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry it was hard on you. And for how I've been acting. I know you didn't choose this."
Junhyung was motionless for a long while before gently returning the hug. "Thank you."
~~~~~~~~~~
Doojoon made it a point to not avoid Junhyung. Sometimes, he made it such a point that he found himself alone with Junhyung significantly more than he ever used to be. He knew that driving himself in the opposite direction was barely better than avoiding Junhyung, but with things still so strange between them, Doojoon really didn't know how to react.
Soon, spending so much time together became their norm. Even a few months later, when Doojoon had come to really accept how Junhyung felt for him and no longer thought about it every time they interacted, they still found themselves having meals or going out for fun or a couple drinks together more often than not. In fact, the more time they spent together, the more time Doojoon felt like spending with Junhyung.
So it wasn't unusual when, one night, Junhyung and Doojoon found themselves in Junhyung's bed, lying side by side, Junhyung messing around with sound clips on his laptop which was perched on his stomach, and Doojoon casually listening in on his work.
"Will the new song be ready in time for the upcoming album?" Doojoon asked, leaning toward Junhyung to look at his laptop screen.
"Ah ah," Junhyung hid his work from Doojoon. "You know I don't like when you look at the unfinished product. You're lucky I'm letting you listen in."
"Yeah yeah, I'm lucky that we're spending time together."
"What does that mean?" Junhyung asked in a bored voice.
"Oh, nothing..." Doojoon smiled as he began a sing-song quote from Miss Congeniality, "You want to hug me, you want to love me, you want to hug me -" He was cut short as a pillow impacted his face.
"Knock it off," Junhyung ordered, but his voice made it clear that he wasn't really bothered.
Doojoon chuckled as he placed the pillow under his head. He listened to the sample of music, maybe thirty seconds long, that Junhyung had pieced together.
"What do you think?" Junhyung asked, still clicking away on the screen.
"Sounds good. A little rough, but catchy. I know you can make it work." Doojoon turned onto his side. "I have a really serious question."
Junhyung glanced over to make sure he wasn't kidding, then placed his laptop aside. "Sure, what's up?"
"How did you know for sure that you felt something for me?"
Junhyung groaned and covered his face with a hand. "Are you really gonna bring this up right now?"
Doojoon pulled his hand from his face. "Come on, just answer me. Was there like a moment when you just knew, or was it gradual?"
Junhyung sighed. "It was gradual. I started to notice little things, I wanted to spend all my time around you, I wanted to ask about your day and make sure you were okay, you know, stuff like that. I only realized what all that meant awhile later, when I found myself thinking that it would be nice to do other things with you, too. Skinship things."
"So, what, like, you would just want to look at that person all the time? You would want to talk to them about everything?"
"Yeah... are you getting dating advice from me right now? Doojoon, is there someone you like?"
With a small smile, he replied, "I think so."
A little light disappeared from Junhyung's eyes, but he smiled at Doojoon and asked, "Do they like you too?"
Doojoon nodded. "But I want to be really sure I like them. I don't want it to be just some little crush and to end up embarrassing myself or hurting them if it's not more serious than that. How can I be sure?"
"Well, do you think about skinship with them?"
Doojoon half-shrugged. "We've hugged and held hands and stuff before. I haven't really let myself think of anything past that point though. I didn't want to feel weird around them for thinking like that."
"Then try thinking about it. Like kissing, think about kissing that person."
A smile stole over the leader's face along with a small blush. "I think it would be nice."
Junhyung nudged him. "You seem smitten to me. Who is it?"
Doojoon smiled wider and shook his head.
"Oh, come on, it's not like I'm gonna tell them."
Rolling his gaze away from Junhyung Doojoon replied. "That's not why I don't want to tell you."
Junhyung nudged Doojoon again. "Keeping secrets isn't very nice, Yoon Doojoon."
"Like you have room to talk. You didn't tell me who you liked for years."
"That's different and you know it."
Returning his gaze to Junhyung, Doojoon replied, "It's not really that different."
"What do you mean?"
"Babo." Doojoon grabbed the pillow from under his head and hit Junhyung with it. Then he sat up. "I'm hungry. Let's go get something to eat."
Junhyung decided to let the previous topic drop, getting up as well to join Doojoon.
~~~~~~~~~~
Doojoon watched Junhyung as the rapper stood in the recording booth, recording his part of the title track on their upcoming album. He found himself doing that a lot more lately, just watching Junhyung. After their talk a few nights before, he didn't really mind.
One of the most appealing things to Doojoon about Junhyung was the way he rapped. He knew there were better rappers out there, with more technical skills, but there was something about the way the man drawled his words that Doojooon really liked. He was a little disappointed when it only took Junhyung three tries to get the rap done.
Exiting the booth, Junhyung thanked the others in the room before realizing Doojoon had arrived as well. "What are you doing here?" Junhyung asked, sounding happy to see the older man.
"Thought I'd stop by and see if things came out okay." They left the room together, heading for their van to go back to the dorm.
As they headed down a corridor toward the door, Junhyung asked, "So did you talk to that girl yet?"
"What girl?" Doojoon asked in return.
"The one you like."
"Oh." Doojoon stopped, turning to Junhyung. "Actually, that's the other reason I came here."
"Oh, is she here?" Junhyung asked, looking back down the hallway as though she would pop out of one of the rooms on command.
"Come on, we can talk about it later." Doojoon continued out the door.
"Wow, you're being so secretive about this."
"I wanna do it right," Dojoon insisted.
The van ride was short, and when they got to the dorm they found that the others had snuck out without telling Doojoon ahead of time. His hand was halfway to his phone to call them and demand they come back before he decided to let them have their fun. They had a lot of work to do for the upcoming album, and then they would be booked with promotional schedules for weeks if not months following, so he thought it best to let them enjoy one of their last evenings of freedom before that started.
"Want me to make you something to eat?" Doojoon asked as he walked to the kitchen.
Junhyung followed him. "Is it Jina?"
"I think we have some udon, I know that's not fancy but it's just about the best you'll get out of me." Doojoon pulled out a pot and began filling it with water, then turned to heat up the rangetop.
"Is it Jihyun?"
"Oh! I think we have some chicken I can grill up with this." He moved to the fridge and pulled out the meat.
"Gayoon? Jiyoon? Is it even a member of 4minute?"
"I'm feeling in the mood for something spicy, do you want something spicy?"
"Maybe it's one of the trainees? Is she in Cube?"
"Spicy food it is, then!" He put the pot on to boil and turned to grab a few vegetables out of the fridge.
"Is she even a performer? Maybe it's one of the staff."
"Yes, the person I like is in Cube, and is a performer." He chopped up some green onion and moved on to chop up garlic.
"Well, that's a start at least. When is the next time you'll see her?"
Doojoon slid the green onions and garlic onto a plate, then turned to check if the water was boiling yet. "Should I make some for the guys, or do you think they'll just eat out?"
"Doojoon, why aren't you telling me?"
"Why do you care?" He chopped up the chicken and began preparing a spicy sauce for it.
"Because I care about you."
Doojoon smiled widely. "I care about you, too, Junhyung."
"Okay, then, tell me."
"If you guess right, I'll tell you." He heated up a pan on the rangetop.
"So it's not Jina, Gayoon, Jiyoon, or Jihyun?"
"Nope."
"Is it Hyunah?"
"No." Doojoon added the chicken to the pan, along with the onions, garlic, and spicy sauce.
"Then it's Sohyun."
"No." The water had begun to boil, so he added the udon noodles.
"Doojoon, that's all the female performers in Cube."
"I am aware of that fact." He poked at the chicken, checking its progress.
Junhyung was silent for a long moment before asking, "Do you like a guy?"
"Now you're getting somewhere," Doojoon finally turned to look at the other man.
Junhyung looked a little shocked behind his mask of indifference. "So it's someone from Beast."
"Yes."
"And they like you back, you said?"
"Yep."
"Are you sure they like you?"
"Unless I've ben being lied to for months now, then yes, I'm sure." He turned to stir the noodles and flip the chicken.
"Doojoon?" Junhyung sounded quiet, and had taken a few steps closer to Doojoon.
"Hm?" asked the leader as he stirred the sauce around in the pan.
"How did you find out he liked you?"
Doojoon tasted the sauce, then grabbed some salt to add in. "I got a couple anonymous fan letters, and then I saw his handwriting from the upcoming photobook and realized he wrote them."
"Doojoon?" Junhyung asked again.
Doojoon tasted the sauce to make sure he'd added the right amount of salt. Then he turned to Junhyung with an eyebrow raised in question. "Yeah?"
"Are you messing with me right now?"
He smiled broadly. "No." Turning back to the pan, he took a small spoonful of sauce. He blew on it to cool it down, then offered it to Junhyung. "How does this taste?"
Junhyung accepted the spoonful, seemingly set to autopilot for the moment. "Spicy," he replied, "but good."
"Good." Doojoon poked at the chicken again, then grabbed a serving dish and filled it with the cooked poultry and sauce. Checking the noodles, he saw they were done as well. He turned off the range and asked Junhyung, "Can you hand me the seasoning and veggie packets?"
Junhyung grabbed the little packages off the counter and passed them to Doojoon, who poured them into the pot. "Do you not think this is a big deal?"
Stirring the noodles, Doojoon answered, "I think it's a very big deal. But I'm not going to stop in the middle of cooking and burn the dorm down. You're the one who wanted to talk while I was cooking." He passed the dish of chicken to Junhyung, then lifted the small pot of udon off the stove and brought it to the living room table. Junhyung joined him in the living room shortly, carrying two pairs of chopsticks and two spoons as well as the chicken.
They set the food down, and Doojoon was about to sit when Junhyung commanded, "Stop."
Still smiling, Doojoon stepped close to Junhyung. "What is it?"
"You.. you don't just... drop this kind of thing on someone and then just eat udon."
Gesturing at the table, Doojoon commented, "If you don't want udon, I made chicken, too."
Junhyung shut his eyes. "That's not my point."
Doojoon chuckled and wrapped his arms around Junhyung's shoulders, pulling him into a hug. "I know. I was joking." He kissed the top of Junhyung's head, then pulled away to look at the rapper, who honestly looked like he might cry. "Are you alright?"
Then Junhyung pulled Doojoon back to himself by the front of his shirt and kissed him roughly. Doojoon wound his arms back around Junhyung's shoulders and leaned into the kiss. There was a struggle between their lips for dominance , but in the end neither cared who was leading and who was following, as long as they were kissing. Finally, Doojoon broke their liplock, then pecked Junhyung's cheek, then his ear, and held him in a tight embrace.
"The food is going to get cold," he commented, not making any move toward releasing Junhyung.
Junhyung ran his hands along Doojoon's back, feeling lightheaded. He pulled away after a moment, but instead of turning to sit and enjoy the meal, he kissed Doojoon again, softer this time. As they separated, he said, "Let it get cold."
Doojoon grinned, then tightened his hold on Junhyung and brought their lips together again.
~끝~