Burn
Title: Burn
Author: dracoslovebunny
Pairing: KiSeung
Status: Oneshot
Genre: Angst, AU
Rating: R
Warnings: Slash (not graphic), death
Word count: 2,173
Summary: In which Hyunseung begins to recall the past.
A/N: Written as part of my ongoing ALL-PAIRINGS 15-fic self-challenge. Each fic is a standalone (not part of the same storyline as the others). Fics are prompted by A Little Left of Logical. Title is the prompt.
Previous Installments:
Accident/KiWoon // Imitation of Life/JunWoon // Passing Flame/JunSeung // The Moment/KiSeob // Crave/DooKwang // Massage/DooWoon
I am lost inside my own mind when I see him at my cafe. His presence seems to clear up that lost feeling in an instant.
~
"Mocha, decaf, with a raspberry tart for table four."
Hyunseung takes the ticket the waiter has hung on his rack and reviews it to make sure it matches the man's words, then turns to prepare the drink and pastry. As he plates the mug and the tart, he glances at table four. The young man seated there in an expensive-looking suit looks somehow familiar. The idea of it irritates his mind a little. Hyunseung shrugs off the sensation and brings him his order.
"Decaf mocha and a raspberry tart," he recites, a pleasant smile on his face. The smile falters at the look this man is giving him, the way his eyes seek Hyunseung's and seem too look through him, as though trying to read him or maybe tell him something. Forcing the smile back onto his face, Hyunseung says, "Enjoy," and steps away from the table as fast as he can without appearing rude.
~
I tell Kikwang about that man at home that night. I tell him everything I can remember. About how the man was dressed, what he looked like. Tall, with a nice face, a strong jawline. Rich, maybe, according to his suit and watch. Eyes that drilled holes through me. I tell Kikwang how the man made me feel. Kikwang looks sad as I describe him. I can't imagine why.
~
Their next meeting is at the bus station. Hyunseung has finished his shift, and he waits for his bus to arrive, rubbing his hands to warm them against the winter cold.
"You told me you would come and see me."
Hyunseung turns at the voice, the sound of which sends a chill up his spine. He has heard it somewhere before. Standing beside him is the man from before. He looks even taller now that he is not sitting down.
"I'm sorry, what?" Hyunseung asks, even though he really wants to walk away and forget about this man.
"After everything. You said we would still see each other, every now and then. It's been almost a year."
Hyunseung wants to ask what he's talking about. He wants to ask if maybe this man has confused him for someone else. Instead, he says, "I'm sorry."
The stranger is silent for a long time before finally answering back, "Me too."
Hyunseung watches him board the bus that has just pulled up. As relieving as it is to conclude such a strange conversation, part of Hyunseung doesn't want him to go.
~
Kikwang listens intently as I tell him about my second meeting with that man. There is something in his expression, something that makes me feel uneasy as I tell him about the tall, well-dressed man. It makes my heart feel strange. Why should my story about some stranger affect Kikwang like this? "I love you," I tell Kikwang, as though these words will fix whatever I've done to make him look at me the way he is now.
~
Hyunseung secures the lock behind himself as he leaves his small house. After he exits the gate, he turns and sees a car parked outside his place. That man is in the driver's seat.
"Sorry," the man apologizes. "I was just about to come and ring the bell." He is getting out of his car, but Hyunseung wishes he wouldn't.
"I'm on my way to work now," Hyunseung tell him, "so I would have had to turn you away at the door anyway."
He leans back against his vehicle, his driver's side door still open, then he nods backward, stating, "I'll give you a ride; it's on the way to my office anyway."
Hyunseung eyes the man warily. He doesn't know him. He doesn't know how the man learned his address. He should walk away, and maybe call the police. His feet take him around the car, and then he is climbing inside, settling into his seat, securing his seat belt.
The ride is mostly silent aside from the radio playing quietly. As they are nearing the cafe, Hyunseung hears a newer song he's taken a liking to begin playing and he sings along softly.
"He loved your voice. Are you still singing?"
Hyunseung immediately stops. "No. I mean, not really. I used to, but... I just kind of stopped." Who was the 'he' this man was referring to? Hyunseung can barely get out of the vehicle fast enough as the stranger pulls up in front of the cafe.
~
I choose not to tell Kikwang about my newest meeting with the man. I don't want him looking at me with that expression. I do, however, tell him that I sang along with the radio. And then I show him. I turn on the radio there in the living room and begin to sing along to a tune. It's been so long since I've really tried to sing that my voice feels rusty, but I don't care. Soon, I'm singing louder and louder, singing at the top of my voice, singing so much and so hard I have to stop because my throat is growing sore and there are tears falling down my face and Kikwang is just looking at me like I've lost my mind, and for once I kind of agree with him on something.
~
"Going on my break," Hyunseung calls over his shoulder as he pulls off his apron and heads for the door. He takes three steps outside before the tall man steps in his path.
"I thought you'd never take a break."
Hyunseung looks away from him. "Busy morning."
The man stays silent for awhile. Hyunseung feels uncomfortable every time he does that, leaving them in a seemingly endless stretch of awkward silence. There is something unspoken between them, so present it's practically palpable. Hyunseung longs to know what that something is. Then the man says, "Are you going to visit him next week?"
~
I don't tell Kikwang that I saw that man. I don't tell him, because I can't even remember our meeting. He was there, outside the cafe. We talked. Then I was back behind the counter, apron on, making a coffee for a customer. I can't remember what we talked about. I can't remember going back inside. I can't remember anymore.
~
Hyunseung doesn't even glance at the intercom as he heads for the door, knowing it is that man. He opens the door, telling himself that if he just tells the man to leave, he probably will. Instead, he steps aside, letting the man into his home. This man... Hyunseung stares at him for long moments as he hangs his coat and seats himself on the couch without waiting for the other, the way an old friend might. A name crawls its way into Hyunseung's mind then. Yoon Doojoon.
"I was just about to make tea. I can make you some if you'd like." Then Hyunseung tries the name out, as though to make sure he's right. "Doojoon."
"I'd like that," comes the soft-spoken reply.
Hyunseung feels shaken. He knows this man. He knows him well. He knows his name, and as he stands in the kitchen, setting up cups as he waits for the water to boil, more facts start flitting through his mind as well. Yoon Doojoon, CEO of a major food corporation, a man he'd known for six years, a man he'd known as family and had called hyung, someone he'd had meals with and drinks with and old stories that got told and retold to new friends, just brief glimpses into a life Hyunseung can barely recall, because he's pretty sure he doesn't have any friends. Yoon Doojoon. He's someone's brother. Someone important.
Hyunseung is pulled from his thoughts when the kettle whistles, and he finishes preparing the tea. Gathering everything onto a tray, he brings it out to the living room and serves Doojoon. "Your brother," Hyunseung states baldly.
Doojoon cups his mug of tea in his hand, taking a small, slow sip. Then he nods. "We can go visit him together if you'd like. I can pick you up here that morning."
Hyunseung sips his own tea. "That would be good."
~
I tell Kikwang that Doojoon visited that day. Kikwang looks crestfallen. Kikwang knows him too; I can see it in his face, even if he hasn't told me as much. I apologize briefly and say next time he can visit with Doojoon too. Maybe that will help me piece everything together. I don't tell Kikwang that I couldn't recall what I'd done with the rest of my day after Doojoon had left.
~
Hyunseung looks himself over in the mirror. He decides that he has been getting much too thin. His days have been passing like blurs, each fading into the next, and with wide gaps in his memory, making him unsure of when or even if he's eaten his meals. Things have gone missing during these blank spells, things from around his home. At first they were barely noticeable differences, a few of Kikwang's shirts, then Kikwang's favorite mug. Hyunseung couldn't pretend not to notice when Kikwang's armchair went missing from their living room. Even Kikwang himself seemed scarce over the past few days. But one time of day Hyunseung can aways recall in vivid detail is early evening after returning from work, when he sits with Kiwang and talks about his day, or just lets silence fill the room around them comfortably.
Making sure his hair is just how he likes it, Hyunseung decides he looks as good as he is going to, then heads out of the house to wait for Doojoon to arrive. As soon as the older man pulls up, Hyunseung climbs into his car. The mood in the vehicle is subdued, and Hyunseung doesn't speak.
The drive is long, and eventually Doojoon interrupts the quiet, asking, "Have you packed any more of his things?"
Hyunseung mind rails against the question, trying to ignore it, or maybe trying to block it out. "No," Hyunseung mutters, looking out the window.
"It's been so good, seeing you these last couple of weeks."
Hyunseung traces Kikwang's name into the condensation on the window beside him. "It's bee interesting," he replies.
"I'd like if we could see each other more regularly."
With a nearly silent sigh, Hyunseung leans his head beside the name he's written. "I'd like that too." Doojoon isn't asking him to date or anything, Hyunseung knows. He just wants to talk. Hyunseung doesn't want to talk, but he knows he should. He just doesn't know why he should.
"Is this the first time you've gone to visit him since?"
Hyunseung shuts his eyes, trying so hard to not be here, in this moment. He still doesn't know who they're going to visit. But he knows part of him does. Doojoon's brother. Someone important. "No. Have you?"
"A couple times. In the first few months after... it happened."
Lifting his head, Hyunseung wipes Kikwang's name off the window.
~
Hyunseung stares for a long time at the photos and flowers and trinkets all set up so nicely. He's not at all surprised by what he's seeing; he's surprised at his own lack of surprise. Kikwang's face smiles brightly at him from a glossy picture in a fancy frame. This is not the Kikwang he knows.
The Kikwang he knows doesn't smile. The Kikwang he knows can't smile anymore. The man he has kept hidden away, trapped in his mind and heart, is the same one he saw pulled out of a burning building on a gurney twelve months ago, his face burnt badly but still unmistakably him. The Kikwang he knows is waiting patiently at home for his return, not sitting here in a pile of ashes kept in an urn placed on a shelf beside photos and flowers and trinkets.
He can recall his days, now. Missing memories piece back together, meetings with Doojoon, talking about Kikwang, Doojoon giving him rides with boxes of Kikwang's possessions to donate. He recalls sitting for hours in a hospital waiting room, praying, praying, crying. Doojoon's arms around him, the way they are now. Doojoon's face buried in his hair, tears falling onto his scalp, just like now. These are not memories he wants.
"I haven't let him go, Doojoon," Hyunseung mutters quietly against the older man's shoulder.
Doojoon holds him tighter. "Neither have I, dongsaeng. That's why I didn't come see you sooner."
Hyunseung wraps his arms around Doojoon, holding him close. Their age difference is minimal and the 'hyung' and 'dongsaeng' reference was uncommon between them in years past, but whenever it was used it made Hyunseung feel like a kid again, like someone being taken care of, and if he ever needed that feeling, it was now.
"Has it really been a whole year?" Hyunseung asks in a thick voice as tears fall down his cheeks and land on Doojoon's shoulder.
Fingers slide through his hair comfortingly. "Three-hundred-sixty-five days," Doojoon replies. "It'll get easier."
Hyunseung buries himself against Doojoon, losing control and sobbing openly. He hoped that Doojoon was right, that they could meet more often and talk and maybe that way, this would finally get easier. Maybe, finally, he could let Kikwang go.
~끝~
Author: dracoslovebunny
Pairing: KiSeung
Status: Oneshot
Genre: Angst, AU
Rating: R
Warnings: Slash (not graphic), death
Word count: 2,173
Summary: In which Hyunseung begins to recall the past.
A/N: Written as part of my ongoing ALL-PAIRINGS 15-fic self-challenge. Each fic is a standalone (not part of the same storyline as the others). Fics are prompted by A Little Left of Logical. Title is the prompt.
Previous Installments:
Accident/KiWoon // Imitation of Life/JunWoon // Passing Flame/JunSeung // The Moment/KiSeob // Crave/DooKwang // Massage/DooWoon
I am lost inside my own mind when I see him at my cafe. His presence seems to clear up that lost feeling in an instant.
~
"Mocha, decaf, with a raspberry tart for table four."
Hyunseung takes the ticket the waiter has hung on his rack and reviews it to make sure it matches the man's words, then turns to prepare the drink and pastry. As he plates the mug and the tart, he glances at table four. The young man seated there in an expensive-looking suit looks somehow familiar. The idea of it irritates his mind a little. Hyunseung shrugs off the sensation and brings him his order.
"Decaf mocha and a raspberry tart," he recites, a pleasant smile on his face. The smile falters at the look this man is giving him, the way his eyes seek Hyunseung's and seem too look through him, as though trying to read him or maybe tell him something. Forcing the smile back onto his face, Hyunseung says, "Enjoy," and steps away from the table as fast as he can without appearing rude.
~
I tell Kikwang about that man at home that night. I tell him everything I can remember. About how the man was dressed, what he looked like. Tall, with a nice face, a strong jawline. Rich, maybe, according to his suit and watch. Eyes that drilled holes through me. I tell Kikwang how the man made me feel. Kikwang looks sad as I describe him. I can't imagine why.
~
Their next meeting is at the bus station. Hyunseung has finished his shift, and he waits for his bus to arrive, rubbing his hands to warm them against the winter cold.
"You told me you would come and see me."
Hyunseung turns at the voice, the sound of which sends a chill up his spine. He has heard it somewhere before. Standing beside him is the man from before. He looks even taller now that he is not sitting down.
"I'm sorry, what?" Hyunseung asks, even though he really wants to walk away and forget about this man.
"After everything. You said we would still see each other, every now and then. It's been almost a year."
Hyunseung wants to ask what he's talking about. He wants to ask if maybe this man has confused him for someone else. Instead, he says, "I'm sorry."
The stranger is silent for a long time before finally answering back, "Me too."
Hyunseung watches him board the bus that has just pulled up. As relieving as it is to conclude such a strange conversation, part of Hyunseung doesn't want him to go.
~
Kikwang listens intently as I tell him about my second meeting with that man. There is something in his expression, something that makes me feel uneasy as I tell him about the tall, well-dressed man. It makes my heart feel strange. Why should my story about some stranger affect Kikwang like this? "I love you," I tell Kikwang, as though these words will fix whatever I've done to make him look at me the way he is now.
~
Hyunseung secures the lock behind himself as he leaves his small house. After he exits the gate, he turns and sees a car parked outside his place. That man is in the driver's seat.
"Sorry," the man apologizes. "I was just about to come and ring the bell." He is getting out of his car, but Hyunseung wishes he wouldn't.
"I'm on my way to work now," Hyunseung tell him, "so I would have had to turn you away at the door anyway."
He leans back against his vehicle, his driver's side door still open, then he nods backward, stating, "I'll give you a ride; it's on the way to my office anyway."
Hyunseung eyes the man warily. He doesn't know him. He doesn't know how the man learned his address. He should walk away, and maybe call the police. His feet take him around the car, and then he is climbing inside, settling into his seat, securing his seat belt.
The ride is mostly silent aside from the radio playing quietly. As they are nearing the cafe, Hyunseung hears a newer song he's taken a liking to begin playing and he sings along softly.
"He loved your voice. Are you still singing?"
Hyunseung immediately stops. "No. I mean, not really. I used to, but... I just kind of stopped." Who was the 'he' this man was referring to? Hyunseung can barely get out of the vehicle fast enough as the stranger pulls up in front of the cafe.
~
I choose not to tell Kikwang about my newest meeting with the man. I don't want him looking at me with that expression. I do, however, tell him that I sang along with the radio. And then I show him. I turn on the radio there in the living room and begin to sing along to a tune. It's been so long since I've really tried to sing that my voice feels rusty, but I don't care. Soon, I'm singing louder and louder, singing at the top of my voice, singing so much and so hard I have to stop because my throat is growing sore and there are tears falling down my face and Kikwang is just looking at me like I've lost my mind, and for once I kind of agree with him on something.
~
"Going on my break," Hyunseung calls over his shoulder as he pulls off his apron and heads for the door. He takes three steps outside before the tall man steps in his path.
"I thought you'd never take a break."
Hyunseung looks away from him. "Busy morning."
The man stays silent for awhile. Hyunseung feels uncomfortable every time he does that, leaving them in a seemingly endless stretch of awkward silence. There is something unspoken between them, so present it's practically palpable. Hyunseung longs to know what that something is. Then the man says, "Are you going to visit him next week?"
~
I don't tell Kikwang that I saw that man. I don't tell him, because I can't even remember our meeting. He was there, outside the cafe. We talked. Then I was back behind the counter, apron on, making a coffee for a customer. I can't remember what we talked about. I can't remember going back inside. I can't remember anymore.
~
Hyunseung doesn't even glance at the intercom as he heads for the door, knowing it is that man. He opens the door, telling himself that if he just tells the man to leave, he probably will. Instead, he steps aside, letting the man into his home. This man... Hyunseung stares at him for long moments as he hangs his coat and seats himself on the couch without waiting for the other, the way an old friend might. A name crawls its way into Hyunseung's mind then. Yoon Doojoon.
"I was just about to make tea. I can make you some if you'd like." Then Hyunseung tries the name out, as though to make sure he's right. "Doojoon."
"I'd like that," comes the soft-spoken reply.
Hyunseung feels shaken. He knows this man. He knows him well. He knows his name, and as he stands in the kitchen, setting up cups as he waits for the water to boil, more facts start flitting through his mind as well. Yoon Doojoon, CEO of a major food corporation, a man he'd known for six years, a man he'd known as family and had called hyung, someone he'd had meals with and drinks with and old stories that got told and retold to new friends, just brief glimpses into a life Hyunseung can barely recall, because he's pretty sure he doesn't have any friends. Yoon Doojoon. He's someone's brother. Someone important.
Hyunseung is pulled from his thoughts when the kettle whistles, and he finishes preparing the tea. Gathering everything onto a tray, he brings it out to the living room and serves Doojoon. "Your brother," Hyunseung states baldly.
Doojoon cups his mug of tea in his hand, taking a small, slow sip. Then he nods. "We can go visit him together if you'd like. I can pick you up here that morning."
Hyunseung sips his own tea. "That would be good."
~
I tell Kikwang that Doojoon visited that day. Kikwang looks crestfallen. Kikwang knows him too; I can see it in his face, even if he hasn't told me as much. I apologize briefly and say next time he can visit with Doojoon too. Maybe that will help me piece everything together. I don't tell Kikwang that I couldn't recall what I'd done with the rest of my day after Doojoon had left.
~
Hyunseung looks himself over in the mirror. He decides that he has been getting much too thin. His days have been passing like blurs, each fading into the next, and with wide gaps in his memory, making him unsure of when or even if he's eaten his meals. Things have gone missing during these blank spells, things from around his home. At first they were barely noticeable differences, a few of Kikwang's shirts, then Kikwang's favorite mug. Hyunseung couldn't pretend not to notice when Kikwang's armchair went missing from their living room. Even Kikwang himself seemed scarce over the past few days. But one time of day Hyunseung can aways recall in vivid detail is early evening after returning from work, when he sits with Kiwang and talks about his day, or just lets silence fill the room around them comfortably.
Making sure his hair is just how he likes it, Hyunseung decides he looks as good as he is going to, then heads out of the house to wait for Doojoon to arrive. As soon as the older man pulls up, Hyunseung climbs into his car. The mood in the vehicle is subdued, and Hyunseung doesn't speak.
The drive is long, and eventually Doojoon interrupts the quiet, asking, "Have you packed any more of his things?"
Hyunseung mind rails against the question, trying to ignore it, or maybe trying to block it out. "No," Hyunseung mutters, looking out the window.
"It's been so good, seeing you these last couple of weeks."
Hyunseung traces Kikwang's name into the condensation on the window beside him. "It's bee interesting," he replies.
"I'd like if we could see each other more regularly."
With a nearly silent sigh, Hyunseung leans his head beside the name he's written. "I'd like that too." Doojoon isn't asking him to date or anything, Hyunseung knows. He just wants to talk. Hyunseung doesn't want to talk, but he knows he should. He just doesn't know why he should.
"Is this the first time you've gone to visit him since?"
Hyunseung shuts his eyes, trying so hard to not be here, in this moment. He still doesn't know who they're going to visit. But he knows part of him does. Doojoon's brother. Someone important. "No. Have you?"
"A couple times. In the first few months after... it happened."
Lifting his head, Hyunseung wipes Kikwang's name off the window.
~
Hyunseung stares for a long time at the photos and flowers and trinkets all set up so nicely. He's not at all surprised by what he's seeing; he's surprised at his own lack of surprise. Kikwang's face smiles brightly at him from a glossy picture in a fancy frame. This is not the Kikwang he knows.
The Kikwang he knows doesn't smile. The Kikwang he knows can't smile anymore. The man he has kept hidden away, trapped in his mind and heart, is the same one he saw pulled out of a burning building on a gurney twelve months ago, his face burnt badly but still unmistakably him. The Kikwang he knows is waiting patiently at home for his return, not sitting here in a pile of ashes kept in an urn placed on a shelf beside photos and flowers and trinkets.
He can recall his days, now. Missing memories piece back together, meetings with Doojoon, talking about Kikwang, Doojoon giving him rides with boxes of Kikwang's possessions to donate. He recalls sitting for hours in a hospital waiting room, praying, praying, crying. Doojoon's arms around him, the way they are now. Doojoon's face buried in his hair, tears falling onto his scalp, just like now. These are not memories he wants.
"I haven't let him go, Doojoon," Hyunseung mutters quietly against the older man's shoulder.
Doojoon holds him tighter. "Neither have I, dongsaeng. That's why I didn't come see you sooner."
Hyunseung wraps his arms around Doojoon, holding him close. Their age difference is minimal and the 'hyung' and 'dongsaeng' reference was uncommon between them in years past, but whenever it was used it made Hyunseung feel like a kid again, like someone being taken care of, and if he ever needed that feeling, it was now.
"Has it really been a whole year?" Hyunseung asks in a thick voice as tears fall down his cheeks and land on Doojoon's shoulder.
Fingers slide through his hair comfortingly. "Three-hundred-sixty-five days," Doojoon replies. "It'll get easier."
Hyunseung buries himself against Doojoon, losing control and sobbing openly. He hoped that Doojoon was right, that they could meet more often and talk and maybe that way, this would finally get easier. Maybe, finally, he could let Kikwang go.
~끝~