(no subject)
digging things up and outing them all, that was good. good to be open, glad to be mutually informed. the aftermath feeling, that was, and is, not good. it's hard to explain, something like tearing off a scab and scratching it open again. stuff just keeps coming up that i want to be rid of forever, most of it anyways. i just need some kind of closure that would end the sensitivity, i'll have to settle with the fact that the memories, the good and the bad, won't ever go away, but if i could just make the sensitivity stop then it would make everything better. what i truly want to do is just make him feel miserable, in the same way he made me miserable. just to yell at him for treating me so poorly and making me feel used might also do the trick.
and part two to the lousy aftermath feeling, is realizing how weak i really am, if i just would've acted on what i really knew was going on, i would've saved myself a lot of hurt, i should've been smarter.
and another thing that's got me upset, i am being a lousy lousyass friend. i mean seriously lousy. i cannot make any kind of excuse to pardon what i've lost with lauren. i never stopped caring, but i did stop making the appropriate time to see eachother, and therefore, i feel empty and cruddy and ashamed. i miss her and i miss all our good times, and i am embarrassed. lauren, i'm sorry, i've gotta change this, because i hate it more than anything.
i'm too awake, and too busy thinking, i need to head back over to dave wurm's and climb into jerm's arms, i always feel better there.
ok, but on a way good note, i have been having some really great times, i can't even begin to describe the closeness that i feel, i love the cute ways of slipping in the compliments (they always catch me by surprise and i never know what to say!), i love the jokes, and the openness, the way we could lay around all day not doing much of anything but how it can end up being the greatest day, playing games with the family and the hilarious mad libs, i love the huge feeling of comfortability that there is and always knowing that he'll always be there just puts me at ease. i love reading the things he writes after a great day together, and i feel crappy for not being able to put such an amazing post up, but there's a lot on the mind tonight
and part two to the lousy aftermath feeling, is realizing how weak i really am, if i just would've acted on what i really knew was going on, i would've saved myself a lot of hurt, i should've been smarter.
and another thing that's got me upset, i am being a lousy lousyass friend. i mean seriously lousy. i cannot make any kind of excuse to pardon what i've lost with lauren. i never stopped caring, but i did stop making the appropriate time to see eachother, and therefore, i feel empty and cruddy and ashamed. i miss her and i miss all our good times, and i am embarrassed. lauren, i'm sorry, i've gotta change this, because i hate it more than anything.
i'm too awake, and too busy thinking, i need to head back over to dave wurm's and climb into jerm's arms, i always feel better there.
ok, but on a way good note, i have been having some really great times, i can't even begin to describe the closeness that i feel, i love the cute ways of slipping in the compliments (they always catch me by surprise and i never know what to say!), i love the jokes, and the openness, the way we could lay around all day not doing much of anything but how it can end up being the greatest day, playing games with the family and the hilarious mad libs, i love the huge feeling of comfortability that there is and always knowing that he'll always be there just puts me at ease. i love reading the things he writes after a great day together, and i feel crappy for not being able to put such an amazing post up, but there's a lot on the mind tonight