I dont want the world to see me, and neither do you.
Why do I keep doing this? I do it over and over again, time after time. I keep hurting people and myself for you. You keep me coming back to you when I might have found something, but then it doesnt work out and neither of us know why. Well wait, you know why. But I cant know, not yet. I wish I knew, because then maybe it could work. I am still giving you your time. Time until you are ready to tell me. Until then I suppose I will stay this way, wishing that you and I could finally somehow be together. You want to know what kills me the most though? Is that when I did find someone that could help me really get over you, you came in right when I was still willing to let you be there, and I messed it up. You didnt ruin that, I did. But I suppose I still feel better when I say that you had some part in it when you didnt.. But now I ruined that, with Tim. I mean really, who am I kidding? We wont get back together. He still longs for her, like I long for you. It's like I cant be happy with you because you wont let me, and I cant be happy without you because you once again, wont let me.
Why do I even want to be with you so much? What is it about you that makes me crave for your attention? It shouldnt be like this. Maybe I do know what it is. Maybe its the fact that when I am with you I can be me, because you know who I am.. nothing is hidden. I am just so comfortable with you, and I know that you are comfortable with me. Maybe it's because there is nothing about you that bothers me (other than this whole ordeal) but like, it doesnt bother me the way you walk, laugh, eat, the way you look at me .. little things like that that would turn me away from someone else. Or maybe it's because I dont know any different. It's like home. Maybe its because I have known you forever, so it just feels so natural to be with you.
Or maybe I am just crazy. Maybe I am imagining all of this. I dont think I am, but what if. Just please, tell me what it is.
We will figure it all out someday. I know that there is still a time waiting in the future where for a while it will all work out. But not now. I just wish I could stop hurting people because of all of this. I cant get close to anyone. (boys) It's not like I dont choose to get close its just like there is this switch inside of me when I start to want someone else that makes my body run when my mind wants to stay. And the funny thing is, when I finally turn to look and see where I am running to, there you are. What is this? What is it called when something that you dont even know of makes you run there and your mind doesnt even know it until you are there? WHAT IS THAT?! Someone tell me.
I am sure this whole entry doesnt even make sense to anyone, sorry. But it makes sense to me.
I just want to be with you, but then again, I dont. And I want to be with Tim, but that just isnt going to work. Because she does the same thing to him that you do to me. How can you both take so much control? Even if it wasnt for you I wouldnt be able to be happy with him because he is so caught up. And I know what he feels like. I know why he cant do it, but then again I dont. I know what he is feeling but its just not explainable.
Why do people do this to one another? How can they choose someone that they care so much about and just hurt them over and over again. Like I said before in an old entry they keep breaking your heart. But how can a heart be broken more than once? Its like takeing a fragile wine glass, one so delicate you have to wash it a certain way and throwing it on the ground. But then the person whos it was takes it, glues it back together, dusts it off a little and hands it right back to them thinking that maybe this time they might possibly care more.
But they dont.
Why do I even want to be with you so much? What is it about you that makes me crave for your attention? It shouldnt be like this. Maybe I do know what it is. Maybe its the fact that when I am with you I can be me, because you know who I am.. nothing is hidden. I am just so comfortable with you, and I know that you are comfortable with me. Maybe it's because there is nothing about you that bothers me (other than this whole ordeal) but like, it doesnt bother me the way you walk, laugh, eat, the way you look at me .. little things like that that would turn me away from someone else. Or maybe it's because I dont know any different. It's like home. Maybe its because I have known you forever, so it just feels so natural to be with you.
Or maybe I am just crazy. Maybe I am imagining all of this. I dont think I am, but what if. Just please, tell me what it is.
We will figure it all out someday. I know that there is still a time waiting in the future where for a while it will all work out. But not now. I just wish I could stop hurting people because of all of this. I cant get close to anyone. (boys) It's not like I dont choose to get close its just like there is this switch inside of me when I start to want someone else that makes my body run when my mind wants to stay. And the funny thing is, when I finally turn to look and see where I am running to, there you are. What is this? What is it called when something that you dont even know of makes you run there and your mind doesnt even know it until you are there? WHAT IS THAT?! Someone tell me.
I am sure this whole entry doesnt even make sense to anyone, sorry. But it makes sense to me.
I just want to be with you, but then again, I dont. And I want to be with Tim, but that just isnt going to work. Because she does the same thing to him that you do to me. How can you both take so much control? Even if it wasnt for you I wouldnt be able to be happy with him because he is so caught up. And I know what he feels like. I know why he cant do it, but then again I dont. I know what he is feeling but its just not explainable.
Why do people do this to one another? How can they choose someone that they care so much about and just hurt them over and over again. Like I said before in an old entry they keep breaking your heart. But how can a heart be broken more than once? Its like takeing a fragile wine glass, one so delicate you have to wash it a certain way and throwing it on the ground. But then the person whos it was takes it, glues it back together, dusts it off a little and hands it right back to them thinking that maybe this time they might possibly care more.
But they dont.