(no subject)
Okay well, tonight has made me so .... lost.
I just wanted to have someone to put a smile on my face. I haven't smiled all day, I needed someone to make me laugh. I needed to hear someone cared, anyone, but especially you. I needed to not only hear the bad things you think about me, but maybe for you to tell me it's okay to be sad right now because of everything, and you can't understand fully but at least you wanted to be there. You didn't want to be there. I was a burden call. I've always been a burden.. Now I see it so clearly. I've been someone you've pitied. I've been someone that you care about sometimes, but you just don't want to hurt me. You sheild me from the full truth, sometimes.. becuase youre confused, but I've figured it out. I didnt want to say goodbye. It kills me. I think of not talking to you or seeing you anymore, even if its just for a few months, and my eyes swell up with tears and my heart starts to hurt. I refused to be that person, that person that calls and you look at the caller ID and think ugh.. I can't be that person. I can't handle being that to you. I don't act this way with anyone but you, you make me feel more than I wanted to, then and now. I decided to make up my mind. You were worried one night I'd let go, and you might just end up missing me and you would be upset about it. You can let me know if that happens, and I'll let you know how things are then, but I doubt it will. I tried hard with you, it never worked. I always failed. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself with this one, I'm going to do the right thing. I'm going to let you go. I'm going to get over you. I have to get over you, I can't take it anymore. I love loving you, more than I love loving anything else I love... but I can't love someone who doesn't love my love. What do you care anyway...ah.. well I'm going to write in my LJ and figure everything out here. I don't have to talk to you about when I miss you. I don't have to tell you that I want to see you, becuase I miss your smile. I don't have to tell anyone anything anymore, I can keep it all to myself, or at least on lj... considering I don't think a lot of people read it much anyway. Especially an entry this long. They know it's just rambling from experiance. Maybe you'll read this and know why it's so hard for me to say goodbye. Maybe you'll understand why I hang up and call back. Maybe you'll get a feeling of what i feel to let go. I'll never fully let go. I don't think I can, but I can't do this anymore. I feel so unwanted so much, Im so tired of feeling unwanted lol Yeah, it might be me feeling sorry for myself, but i think everyone deserves to feel loved once in a while. I think everyone deserves to feel like they have someone they could call, anytime, and itd be okay. I never want to talk to anyone agian, anyone that I think I make unhappy... but mostly, I dont want to talk to someone who tells me I bring them down.. I never want them down. It kills me, but I have to say goodbye. Now please, god or whoever.whatever.whichever, please give me the stregth to let it go.
I just wanted to have someone to put a smile on my face. I haven't smiled all day, I needed someone to make me laugh. I needed to hear someone cared, anyone, but especially you. I needed to not only hear the bad things you think about me, but maybe for you to tell me it's okay to be sad right now because of everything, and you can't understand fully but at least you wanted to be there. You didn't want to be there. I was a burden call. I've always been a burden.. Now I see it so clearly. I've been someone you've pitied. I've been someone that you care about sometimes, but you just don't want to hurt me. You sheild me from the full truth, sometimes.. becuase youre confused, but I've figured it out. I didnt want to say goodbye. It kills me. I think of not talking to you or seeing you anymore, even if its just for a few months, and my eyes swell up with tears and my heart starts to hurt. I refused to be that person, that person that calls and you look at the caller ID and think ugh.. I can't be that person. I can't handle being that to you. I don't act this way with anyone but you, you make me feel more than I wanted to, then and now. I decided to make up my mind. You were worried one night I'd let go, and you might just end up missing me and you would be upset about it. You can let me know if that happens, and I'll let you know how things are then, but I doubt it will. I tried hard with you, it never worked. I always failed. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself with this one, I'm going to do the right thing. I'm going to let you go. I'm going to get over you. I have to get over you, I can't take it anymore. I love loving you, more than I love loving anything else I love... but I can't love someone who doesn't love my love. What do you care anyway...ah.. well I'm going to write in my LJ and figure everything out here. I don't have to talk to you about when I miss you. I don't have to tell you that I want to see you, becuase I miss your smile. I don't have to tell anyone anything anymore, I can keep it all to myself, or at least on lj... considering I don't think a lot of people read it much anyway. Especially an entry this long. They know it's just rambling from experiance. Maybe you'll read this and know why it's so hard for me to say goodbye. Maybe you'll understand why I hang up and call back. Maybe you'll get a feeling of what i feel to let go. I'll never fully let go. I don't think I can, but I can't do this anymore. I feel so unwanted so much, Im so tired of feeling unwanted lol Yeah, it might be me feeling sorry for myself, but i think everyone deserves to feel loved once in a while. I think everyone deserves to feel like they have someone they could call, anytime, and itd be okay. I never want to talk to anyone agian, anyone that I think I make unhappy... but mostly, I dont want to talk to someone who tells me I bring them down.. I never want them down. It kills me, but I have to say goodbye. Now please, god or whoever.whatever.whichever, please give me the stregth to let it go.