(no subject)
I stop, as the feelings of defeat and futility swirl, and realise..it's not fun any more. Yes, I realise, looking at that last post, that things seemed fine not so long ago. But it's so fleeting, that feeling of certainty. Brought down so easily by the next crap days that come along. And hard to recover.
I've been doing this for months, and it feels like for all the work, I've made no gains now from before. I'm still in the same role, still in the same rut. At the end of the day, I feel frustrated. The notional wins seem hollow. I'm tired of being superfluous, of being underestimated constantly.
A long time ago, I believed in the pursuit of dreams, I thought I would be someone who would dare to reach for happy. It's astonishing, and terrible, what we let ourselves get used to. We learn to accept mediocre. We learn to get used to being worn down. Why is that?
I need change. Maybe it's time to get out and be something else. People do. There are other paths. Maybe I should get out there, work for myself, be a gun for hire. Just roam. It works for some. It could work for me. Or I should find something entirely different to do...
~~~
Riversong: There's a plan?
Doctor: I don't know yet. I haven't finished talking.
-Doctor Who