Why I Want To Be a Hepatobiliary Surgeon
When I was in high school, I already thought of become a doctor; I specifically wanted to be a pediatrician because I liked kids.
I was a kid at heart, and I probably still am today. When I finally entered medical school, that changed. I saw that pediatricians had to lie to children about needles and I didn't like that. It's just me. I had my own experience as a kid with needles, and I believe it's given me an undiagnosed needle phobia. I decided I wanted to become a surgeon.
However, surgery as an academic was a challenge. I had a difficult time. Until finally, when I became a senior intern, I was set among three different specialties: general surgery, orthpedics, and pathology. I just wanted something to do with my hands. As I rotated in surgery during that time, I decided I wanted to become a pediatric surgeon, because I still liked kids. Plus, it seemed very interesting.
Then came 1st year residency; and I still found pediatric surgery interesting. I left clues that it was what I wanted. I liked dealing with kid patients. But all that changed in an instant. During my 2nd year, I'd been having problems: low grades, incident reports, feelings that some consultants didn't like me... It was all breaking my confidence. I felt small and like I didn't belong in the department. I was very close to giving up and just leaving. But that's not how I roll. I don't give up and I don't quit unless I am deliberately removed. I stayed, despite it being painful. I had a few meetings with the training committee because my performance was apparently poor, thanks to all the incident reports. And then one day, I received another incident report, I believe it's my last one ever since. And from that report, a meeting was held with the training committee and myself. I was questioned about my competence, told about my grades, and how far below I was. I was asked if I still wanted to continue. I was even told that maybe I wasn't meant to be a surgeon; that not everyone can be a surgeon. It was painful. It was all too much. I ended up crying in front of them all. I though long and hard after that experience while crying in some corner of the hospital. It then suddenly dawned upon me.
'What about I go for hepatobiliary surgery instead? Those surgeons can't do difficult hepatobiliary surgery without referring to a specialist. They think you can't be a surgeon, so prove them wrong and make them eat their words when they start referring all their hard cases to you.'
And from then on, I felt a flame ignite and a rage spark within me. That's when I decided once and for all I'd be a hepatobiliary surgeon. That's when I started talking with one of my favorite consultants, who's also a hepatobiliary surgeon: young, intelligent, humble, and a good person. I now see him as a mentor, and he is the only consultant in the hospital that I fully trust. Because after all, not all consultants are what they seem to be. I learned that through my years in the hospital.
Now that I'm on my second chance of being a 2nd year, I'm more determined than ever. Not to mention, ever since I've reconnected with my best friends from MMCSFI, I started feeling more confident, more complete. I've found more motivation. And this time, unlike all the years I've been in the medical field, I have never felt like I could make it through; like nothing could stop me. Some people might think it's shallow of me to want to be a certain specialty because of revenge. Believe me, it may have started purely on revenge, but since then, everytime I scrub in a hepatobiliary case, the more and more I get interested, and the more I am motivated. It's already become an interest aside from a vengeance.
I will become a hepatobiliary surgeon, and I will get the sweet revenge I want.