Breaking the Habit
I realized something the other night on the way home from my new 8:30-5, M-F job, doing Data-Entry out in Milford. I realized that it had been over a month since I had an argument with anyone. A real argument. And even then, the last one I had as in text. I haven't been seriously pissed at anyone particular and gone off on them, or put them through the emotional ringer that is an angry Cancer... I just have been... I've had plenty of anxiety and worry, sadness and some anger at generalities... but no fights. No arguments. Not trying to change who I am to fit someone else's wishes. Definitely trying to change who I am though. I'm intentionally trying my damnedest to be a more responsible, honest, disciplined person who lives from a place of integrity. It's against my nature, but the person I'll be on the other side of this will be who I want to be.
I won't be dating for a while. I don't really want to. Don't get me wrong, I'm physically lonely, but I don't want to be in a relationship. I feel like I've been through the war with co-dependency and am winning. I, Maria Coleen Rita Carroll, for the first time ever in my life, do NOT want to be in a relationship right now. It's so different it makes my skin crawl sometimes just thinking about it. It's like the core of me knows that its exactly what I need, but there's something that's shifting on the surface of it all, trying to tear into that core and break it up, making itself known to me again, grasping me. I just chuckle sadly and shake my head and let it know I'm okay now and it can't get me.
Now to just fight the sexual component. Hmmm.
I'm so much stronger, but so tired. I'm fighting the co-dependency with fanfic of all things. Reading it, writing it... it allows me to take the constant craving for a relationship and aim it outside of me, pouring it into stories, relating to the characters and whatnot, and somehow, along the way, my own craving for that kind of love is sated.
I feel like I could be very happy, if I could just get a few big maybes out of the way still. All of the things that could mess up my life are going by the wayside. I'm owning up to my failures a lot better, though some will have to be waited out. I'm going to fix my life. I'm going to make things right and get back the best parts of me, and then move forward, creating a better me, the best me possible. I'll be reliable, trustworthy, honest, caring, compassionate, and I'll make a difference in the lives of others and eventually, one day, I'll be able to let someone in that I don't have to take care of. Someone who doesn't need to take care of me. We'll be happy just being together, having already established our own lives.
That will be nice, one day. Don't want it now. Too busy working on fixing me. Maybe in a few years, but for now, I'm going to be happy just being me, myself, and I.
I won't be dating for a while. I don't really want to. Don't get me wrong, I'm physically lonely, but I don't want to be in a relationship. I feel like I've been through the war with co-dependency and am winning. I, Maria Coleen Rita Carroll, for the first time ever in my life, do NOT want to be in a relationship right now. It's so different it makes my skin crawl sometimes just thinking about it. It's like the core of me knows that its exactly what I need, but there's something that's shifting on the surface of it all, trying to tear into that core and break it up, making itself known to me again, grasping me. I just chuckle sadly and shake my head and let it know I'm okay now and it can't get me.
Now to just fight the sexual component. Hmmm.
I'm so much stronger, but so tired. I'm fighting the co-dependency with fanfic of all things. Reading it, writing it... it allows me to take the constant craving for a relationship and aim it outside of me, pouring it into stories, relating to the characters and whatnot, and somehow, along the way, my own craving for that kind of love is sated.
I feel like I could be very happy, if I could just get a few big maybes out of the way still. All of the things that could mess up my life are going by the wayside. I'm owning up to my failures a lot better, though some will have to be waited out. I'm going to fix my life. I'm going to make things right and get back the best parts of me, and then move forward, creating a better me, the best me possible. I'll be reliable, trustworthy, honest, caring, compassionate, and I'll make a difference in the lives of others and eventually, one day, I'll be able to let someone in that I don't have to take care of. Someone who doesn't need to take care of me. We'll be happy just being together, having already established our own lives.
That will be nice, one day. Don't want it now. Too busy working on fixing me. Maybe in a few years, but for now, I'm going to be happy just being me, myself, and I.