Random bitching and ranting
I was looking at my hair last night, checking to see how my roots looked (yes I color my hair obsessively) and I noticed several more grey hairs. Fuck. I know, I know, I'm in my forties, so this is expected, but now I'm getting them at my temples and my hairline. I wish they grey would either stop coming in, or just go wild and my hair end up like Emmylou Harris or Grace Slick. I would love a complete head of beautiful silver hair, but neither my mother nor grandmother have one, just that random crap throughout. So I went to the drugstore tonight for another box of dark brown.
Last Friday night I met some of the guys from work for a beer or two. We ended up running into some other people, and ended up staying out til 1am. I had a great time, and got all my beer bought for me (score!), but I had that feeling that I just don't belong again. All the other girls in the group were younger, which doesn't bother me, since I don't look my age at all, but I don't dress like them or act like them. I don't act girly and cute and flirty, I tend to me more crude and direct, and I like that about myself, but then when someone that I kinda like (one of the guys I work with) seems to like one of the other girls, I just plain feel left out and picked over. That always seems to happen to me; guys always seem to go for the other girls and not me. I feel like no one will ever like me for myself except for my ex-husband, and that won't ever work again. Is it my fault because I tend to stay home more and I'm pretty quiet now when I do go out, and I don't flirt like I used to? And this all sounds so contradictory because part of me would like someone to crush on and maybe date and flirt and all that goopy stuff, and then the other part of me wonders why in the hell I want to jump back into the dating pool again after a year and a half of being alone. I LIKE the way my life is; I do whatever the hell I want, when I want, I can immerse myself in my CSI obsession all I want, and I don't have to answer to anyone but me. But then I hang out with my coworker and he's cute and nice and all (not the same guy who asked me to dinner) but then I get the feeling that I'm not his type, he's all preppy and I have tattoos and read slash and all that naughty stuff, but it hurts when I see him talking and flirting with the other girls, knowing that I am not like them and I never will be. Gah, with all this angst, no wonder I fucking stay home and don't bother with dating. I think I need to flush out my brain.
Last Friday night I met some of the guys from work for a beer or two. We ended up running into some other people, and ended up staying out til 1am. I had a great time, and got all my beer bought for me (score!), but I had that feeling that I just don't belong again. All the other girls in the group were younger, which doesn't bother me, since I don't look my age at all, but I don't dress like them or act like them. I don't act girly and cute and flirty, I tend to me more crude and direct, and I like that about myself, but then when someone that I kinda like (one of the guys I work with) seems to like one of the other girls, I just plain feel left out and picked over. That always seems to happen to me; guys always seem to go for the other girls and not me. I feel like no one will ever like me for myself except for my ex-husband, and that won't ever work again. Is it my fault because I tend to stay home more and I'm pretty quiet now when I do go out, and I don't flirt like I used to? And this all sounds so contradictory because part of me would like someone to crush on and maybe date and flirt and all that goopy stuff, and then the other part of me wonders why in the hell I want to jump back into the dating pool again after a year and a half of being alone. I LIKE the way my life is; I do whatever the hell I want, when I want, I can immerse myself in my CSI obsession all I want, and I don't have to answer to anyone but me. But then I hang out with my coworker and he's cute and nice and all (not the same guy who asked me to dinner) but then I get the feeling that I'm not his type, he's all preppy and I have tattoos and read slash and all that naughty stuff, but it hurts when I see him talking and flirting with the other girls, knowing that I am not like them and I never will be. Gah, with all this angst, no wonder I fucking stay home and don't bother with dating. I think I need to flush out my brain.