Metto
I get really hot when I start realizing something isn't right with something that needs to be right...if I forget to do something...
Do you ever feel alone? And I mean this personally...I hate it when people write on their journals and they have this "I'm a poet writing in prose" approach- you know the people I'm talking about...I'm not going there. And don't try to pull something from the basement of your soul, because I don't care about that. The only reason that this matters to me at all right now is because it is on the surface and not down below...what lies deep for me are intelligent and creative things; I mean, you know, sometimes emotions...usually just their roots, or the reason to why I possess an emotion...but emotions for the most part are on the surface. All nostalgia, quixotism, romance, anxiety, and joy.
Well, I feel alone. I am on my own 100% of the time, but I don't need to be. I'm not sure what companionship I'm looking for, but there is some kind of void I've had for a while and no one is capable of filling it- no one has been or is a candidate for doing so.
I long to be or know somewhere else all the time. I don't hate this place, I'm not itching to leave (I like to though...), but I have no fond memories of here. Over the summer, never once did I look back...I always look back on places...even Boston, which was very turbulent for me, I looked back on. I am always longing like the devil and god raging inside of me or the shade of poison trees or chase this light...
I mean I'm also transported like amnesiac and juturna and catch without arms
I am street as i'll sleep when you're dead and none shall pass and the blueprint/creative like madvillainy and yoyoyoyoyo
I am progressive and roots and latin and droned and dead and fun and pensive and inspired and mortified and empowered and strengthened and impassioned and also despondent.
But there is no one I admire the way I have not felt in a long time. And there is no one who admires me, who truly knows...because I don't let people in (for specific, various reasons) the way that has not happened in a long time. I have been convinced that it is not for me to know right now. I am still convinced. I cannot take care of anyone right now, but that doesn't take care of what I deal with off and on. I don't need anything but the sustenance I receive from God...
every week I feel something new, there has probably a different me every week since august.
One week I didn't want to do anything, one week I only wanted to go to home, one week I wanted to go to murfreesboro, one week I wanted to drop out, one week I wanted to embrace this school, one week I spent every night trying to think of ways to kill myself, one week I spent looking forward to kentucky, one week I was numb, one week I was looking forward to murfreesboro, one week I was anxious about playing my show, one week I didn't realize actually happened, and one week I spent looking forward to going to kentucky.
But one week I'm going to wake up and I will know what I need to do. One week I'll wake up and I'll run away, one week I'll wake up and be successful at Belmont, one week I'll transfer to a place that God has decided suits me best, one week I'll be selling my music, one week I will be my music, one week I will be an author, one week I will be a great artist, one week I will wake up and kill myself, one week I'll wake up and meet someone nice, one week I'll wake up and begin living ideally, one week I'll spend a year in Kentucky, one week I'll spend a year in Italy, one week I'll wake up and work a minimum wage job-go home and do what I love on my own terms, one week I'll transform Huntsville, one week everyone in the United States will know my name but not who I am, one week I'll wake up and be international but still impersonal, one week I'll wake up and have cancer, one week I'll wake up and one of my best friend will die, the next week I'll wake up and a family member will die, one week I'll stop pretending, and one week I will feel like I am really carrying out the Lord's will.
But until those weeks, I am this week, and this week I am going to wake up and be all of these things and none of them at all.
Do you ever feel alone? And I mean this personally...I hate it when people write on their journals and they have this "I'm a poet writing in prose" approach- you know the people I'm talking about...I'm not going there. And don't try to pull something from the basement of your soul, because I don't care about that. The only reason that this matters to me at all right now is because it is on the surface and not down below...what lies deep for me are intelligent and creative things; I mean, you know, sometimes emotions...usually just their roots, or the reason to why I possess an emotion...but emotions for the most part are on the surface. All nostalgia, quixotism, romance, anxiety, and joy.
Well, I feel alone. I am on my own 100% of the time, but I don't need to be. I'm not sure what companionship I'm looking for, but there is some kind of void I've had for a while and no one is capable of filling it- no one has been or is a candidate for doing so.
I long to be or know somewhere else all the time. I don't hate this place, I'm not itching to leave (I like to though...), but I have no fond memories of here. Over the summer, never once did I look back...I always look back on places...even Boston, which was very turbulent for me, I looked back on. I am always longing like the devil and god raging inside of me or the shade of poison trees or chase this light...
I mean I'm also transported like amnesiac and juturna and catch without arms
I am street as i'll sleep when you're dead and none shall pass and the blueprint/creative like madvillainy and yoyoyoyoyo
I am progressive and roots and latin and droned and dead and fun and pensive and inspired and mortified and empowered and strengthened and impassioned and also despondent.
But there is no one I admire the way I have not felt in a long time. And there is no one who admires me, who truly knows...because I don't let people in (for specific, various reasons) the way that has not happened in a long time. I have been convinced that it is not for me to know right now. I am still convinced. I cannot take care of anyone right now, but that doesn't take care of what I deal with off and on. I don't need anything but the sustenance I receive from God...
every week I feel something new, there has probably a different me every week since august.
One week I didn't want to do anything, one week I only wanted to go to home, one week I wanted to go to murfreesboro, one week I wanted to drop out, one week I wanted to embrace this school, one week I spent every night trying to think of ways to kill myself, one week I spent looking forward to kentucky, one week I was numb, one week I was looking forward to murfreesboro, one week I was anxious about playing my show, one week I didn't realize actually happened, and one week I spent looking forward to going to kentucky.
But one week I'm going to wake up and I will know what I need to do. One week I'll wake up and I'll run away, one week I'll wake up and be successful at Belmont, one week I'll transfer to a place that God has decided suits me best, one week I'll be selling my music, one week I will be my music, one week I will be an author, one week I will be a great artist, one week I will wake up and kill myself, one week I'll wake up and meet someone nice, one week I'll wake up and begin living ideally, one week I'll spend a year in Kentucky, one week I'll spend a year in Italy, one week I'll wake up and work a minimum wage job-go home and do what I love on my own terms, one week I'll transform Huntsville, one week everyone in the United States will know my name but not who I am, one week I'll wake up and be international but still impersonal, one week I'll wake up and have cancer, one week I'll wake up and one of my best friend will die, the next week I'll wake up and a family member will die, one week I'll stop pretending, and one week I will feel like I am really carrying out the Lord's will.
But until those weeks, I am this week, and this week I am going to wake up and be all of these things and none of them at all.