Amazingly Bad Poetry Journal Review - Three Messengers
Three Messengers
by Timothy
This morning I hiked a wooded trail,
And while quietly walking along,
I was pleased to hear a lonely quail
A singing his mournful song.
And then again this afternoon
while drawing water from the well,
A loon began it's soothing croon
That echoed cross the dell.
And in the evening as I dined
While resting on the swing,
A mocking bird was very kind
To perch close by and sing.
Then later, as I knelt to pray
In telling God, "I love you",
That, I wished to hear Him say
Just once, He loved me too.
Then Father spoke, "Don't you know?."
"My son, of course I love you too!
I sent couriers today, to tell you so.
Did My three messengers not find you?"
Then I said, "Hey God, since when have you been such a sarcastic dick?" And God acted like he hadn't said anything wrong, of course. He's all "What did I say?"
And I say, "I'm automatically supposed to know that three random birds were direct messengers from the almighty? And don't tell me you were trying to be subtle so you wouldn't scare me. Last time I checked, you're the guy who told Abraham to stick a shiv into his son's neck to prove his love."
"Well, shit," God says, "if that's the way you want to be, why are you so eager to hear me say that I love you? Do you feel bad about something? Something I should know about? I thought it was pretty obvious that I loved you, you ungrateful snot. You have enough leisure time to take a long hike. You have fresh water and food to eat. There's several million people worse off than you. I know I'm omnipotent and all, but you should feel a tad bit honored that I bothered to project my voice into your head."
"I just want to hear you admit that I wouldn't necessarily know that the birds were sent by you, personally. Maybe if you put a Toucan Sam, Scuttle from 'The Little Mermaid', and General Tso's chicken in my gazebo, I would have known something was up. Come to think of it, you are aware there's several dozen members of the bird family that can imitate human speech? They're not rare. You can buy them at any pet store. And as long as you're here, how did you know that I was going to ask about your love hours before I actually did ask?"
"Do you really think linear time means anything to me?"
"Oh. Right. Excuse me for a second, God." I was thirsty, so I walked to the kitchen to get myself a glass of juice and there was a giant ocelot in the cabinet.
Okay, the skit is over. Roy is back. I would think that most people who believe in a god take it for granted that their god loves them. Not to get too heavy, but I don't know how you could believe in a greater force if you didn't believe the greater force had your best interest in mind. If he/she/it was just blah-neutral on the subject of your happiness, it'd be damn hard to believe in that force. The true tragedy of this poem is that Tim squandered his sudden unexpected conversation with the (presumably) Christian god. Isn't the whole cornerstone of Christianity that God sent his only son to Earth to save us all? In other words, where does Timothy get off? The answer is, of course, that he doesn't. In order to indulge the conceit of this poem (that god sent birds to sing his love), we had to briefly pretend that he was an idiot. Credit where credit is due: he did do a great job of pretending.
Bad Poetry Grade [F = your standard bad poem; A+ = worst poem imaginable]: B+
by Timothy
This morning I hiked a wooded trail,
And while quietly walking along,
I was pleased to hear a lonely quail
A singing his mournful song.
And then again this afternoon
while drawing water from the well,
A loon began it's soothing croon
That echoed cross the dell.
And in the evening as I dined
While resting on the swing,
A mocking bird was very kind
To perch close by and sing.
Then later, as I knelt to pray
In telling God, "I love you",
That, I wished to hear Him say
Just once, He loved me too.
Then Father spoke, "Don't you know?."
"My son, of course I love you too!
I sent couriers today, to tell you so.
Did My three messengers not find you?"
Then I said, "Hey God, since when have you been such a sarcastic dick?" And God acted like he hadn't said anything wrong, of course. He's all "What did I say?"
And I say, "I'm automatically supposed to know that three random birds were direct messengers from the almighty? And don't tell me you were trying to be subtle so you wouldn't scare me. Last time I checked, you're the guy who told Abraham to stick a shiv into his son's neck to prove his love."
"Well, shit," God says, "if that's the way you want to be, why are you so eager to hear me say that I love you? Do you feel bad about something? Something I should know about? I thought it was pretty obvious that I loved you, you ungrateful snot. You have enough leisure time to take a long hike. You have fresh water and food to eat. There's several million people worse off than you. I know I'm omnipotent and all, but you should feel a tad bit honored that I bothered to project my voice into your head."
"I just want to hear you admit that I wouldn't necessarily know that the birds were sent by you, personally. Maybe if you put a Toucan Sam, Scuttle from 'The Little Mermaid', and General Tso's chicken in my gazebo, I would have known something was up. Come to think of it, you are aware there's several dozen members of the bird family that can imitate human speech? They're not rare. You can buy them at any pet store. And as long as you're here, how did you know that I was going to ask about your love hours before I actually did ask?"
"Do you really think linear time means anything to me?"
"Oh. Right. Excuse me for a second, God." I was thirsty, so I walked to the kitchen to get myself a glass of juice and there was a giant ocelot in the cabinet.
Okay, the skit is over. Roy is back. I would think that most people who believe in a god take it for granted that their god loves them. Not to get too heavy, but I don't know how you could believe in a greater force if you didn't believe the greater force had your best interest in mind. If he/she/it was just blah-neutral on the subject of your happiness, it'd be damn hard to believe in that force. The true tragedy of this poem is that Tim squandered his sudden unexpected conversation with the (presumably) Christian god. Isn't the whole cornerstone of Christianity that God sent his only son to Earth to save us all? In other words, where does Timothy get off? The answer is, of course, that he doesn't. In order to indulge the conceit of this poem (that god sent birds to sing his love), we had to briefly pretend that he was an idiot. Credit where credit is due: he did do a great job of pretending.
Bad Poetry Grade [F = your standard bad poem; A+ = worst poem imaginable]: B+