It still holds true, two years later.
I think I may have discovered what is "wrong" with me. By wrong, I mean, something that can be fixed internally that may have a great, great impact on my life. Otherwise. . .
Warning: current existence may cause fatality.
I've been laughing for a good hour. The list of my own errors is incredible.
I am a person. and I do have emotion. and I have been avoiding naming these emotions just so I could not feel them. because feeling them leads to guilt and anger and shame. However painful these emotions are, I have no choice but to let them in.
instead of crushing everything, I will keep it at arms length.
here it is: I have not felt like a person in a long, long, long time. Not to say that I do today. but now I am concious of it. I live in a world without responsibility, without hope, without motivation, and without self. I have compromised myself for a lesser cause for almost four years. I have harmed others intentionally and blamed them for it. I have hurt myself and blamed them for it. and the most important one: others have hurt me and I blamed myself. and it is this reaction, the defense to this last situation that has created the actor I am today.
I think. I'm not sure how to rewire myself, but at least I know it is there. and I accept that I have not been alive for a long time. I have not enjoyed life, at all, for a long time. depression always seemed like the only word for it. . .but it is a bit more complicated than that. It is layer upon layer of lies and self deception.
so I have to destroy everything, and rebuild it myself before I am destroyed by something else.
Warning: current existence may cause fatality.
I've been laughing for a good hour. The list of my own errors is incredible.
I am a person. and I do have emotion. and I have been avoiding naming these emotions just so I could not feel them. because feeling them leads to guilt and anger and shame. However painful these emotions are, I have no choice but to let them in.
instead of crushing everything, I will keep it at arms length.
here it is: I have not felt like a person in a long, long, long time. Not to say that I do today. but now I am concious of it. I live in a world without responsibility, without hope, without motivation, and without self. I have compromised myself for a lesser cause for almost four years. I have harmed others intentionally and blamed them for it. I have hurt myself and blamed them for it. and the most important one: others have hurt me and I blamed myself. and it is this reaction, the defense to this last situation that has created the actor I am today.
I think. I'm not sure how to rewire myself, but at least I know it is there. and I accept that I have not been alive for a long time. I have not enjoyed life, at all, for a long time. depression always seemed like the only word for it. . .but it is a bit more complicated than that. It is layer upon layer of lies and self deception.
so I have to destroy everything, and rebuild it myself before I am destroyed by something else.