(no subject)
I start school in about two weeks.
I've been thinking about my reasons for going to college, and I can't really come up with a good one anymore. I've been in school for about two years. I've dropped a fair share of classes (intro to drawing, philosophy), and I didn't even finish out my latest semester of community college. I thought I would take some different classes, and see if I fell in love with anything (I didn't). Then I decided my last semester I would take those final courses I would need to be really close to an associates degree (fucked that up nicely, but seriously, who needs math or CIS105?).
This semester at NAU, for some ridiculous amount of money like $16,000, I’m taking:
Japanese 101 (again)
A math class that doesn't really "count" (again)
The story of English
Creative non-fiction
My major is English. I guess. But I don't really know if I want to do that anymore. I have not written anything in ages. I don't feel inspired to do so. I don't feel very open to "it", whatever that "it" is that I used to think I had. (IF IT DOESN'T COME SCREAMING OUT OF YOU. . .) I don't want to be a teacher, which is really the main, if not only, reason a person would be an English major. A foreign language is required for an English major, and I have a small place in my heart for Japanese. But nothing useful will come of it. I'm also fully aware of my spelling and punctuation errors, but I think it's ironic due to the nature of this entry.
So what will I do? Fail. Or give up? What does my intuition tell me? Run like hell. Don't even bother with any of it. It will be a huge waste of money and time. Maybe I didn't spend enough time planning, or "finding myself" during my high school years. Maybe I have put too much energy and thought into boys, drinking, and just wanting to be happy. Honestly, I don't want to grow up. I don't want to make decisions, and I don't want to be stressed out, angry, bitter. I don't see what else I can do. I'm supposed to do something I love. I don't think I know what that is.
My biggest affinity this year has been for assembling furniture at Cost Plus World Market. Really. I love building things apparently. It sounds silly, because i'm just a little girl that likes cute things, reading, and my polaroid. but, I love the feeling of having created something. Immediate gratification.
Maybe I’m more upset that I don't have a passion for something I thought I had one for. Maybe I just wanted something better, or something I thought was better. Maybe I’ve been lying to myself. Yes, I think I have. I think I have been acting, pretending. And it's going to cost me a lot of money. and i'm scared, just like always. Maybe this move will cause me to grow up. to be honest with myself, start taking some sort of initiative or responsibility.
I have been doing nothing productive all summer. I feel like I am no longer intelligent or interesting. I wish I could be bursting with charisma so I could at least get by on that. but I feel like my life has been all going downhill, and I've never had any desire to stop it. This should feel like a beginning, but it just feels like an end.
but at least the scenery is nice.