Can you believe people come to me for relationship advice.....
I feel sick. Why do i even care.
I mean what did i expect anyway, that it would all work out happily in the end.
Ha. There is no such thing as a happy ending. I know that. I knew that.
So why is my stomach clenched and my eyes on fire. Why am i crying?
Why can't i be happy for someone else for once and put my own selfish motives behind me. Why can't i just wish you happiness, smile, and move on a forget.
it would hurt less.
I wish my head would shut up and my heart would slow down so i could think coherently.
Im so angry. Why the fuck am i angry. Im probably not really. Just a side effect of the shock. Or maybe i really am angry, who the fuck knows, my emotions have never been very reliable or practical. I want to scream and yell. I want to hate you and hate the world and forget it all but i cant.
Seriously....what did i expect. For you to wait and be lonely and miserable while i continued with my life...just waiting until we could take everything off hold and go for it again. Honestly, i think i did. Thats why this hurts so much. But i tried not to think that, tried not to believe something as petty and selfish and stupid as that. But i did....somewhere, underneath my practical side....i really believed it. I really wished it was true. But its not.
Nothing lasts forever.
I hate myself for being the emotional wreck that i am. Sometimes i wish i had never met anyone, that i had my own little corner of nothingness to disappear into...where i had no memories, no past, no loves or hates, no emotions. Where no one knows me and i can just sleep.
I feel like the world just keeps falling apart, as soon as it starts to rebuild itself it all falls apart again. As soon as we start talking and sorting shit out, we have to stop, and then someone else comes along. Its all falling apart. Piece by piece. Unraveling. I was stupid for ever believing. Stupid and selfish.
Im angry because i know im wrong. Because i know that you deserve better than me and that no one should have to sit and wait. I know. I know. Im angry because i know im wrong and thats not enough - i still feel this way. I cant shut off my emotions, and i can barely even control my life.
I feel so sick. This is going no where. I dont know what to do. Im trapped here - stuck within my life. No matter what i do, i lose someone. I'd rather just lose myself.
FUCK. i really want to scream and shout and cry until my throat breaks down. I want to punch the walls and break my belongings. But i wont. I wont because little kids scream and cry...but everyone else has to stomach it and deal with it. How the hell am i supposed to deal with all this...i have done the best i can so far and i am still always wrong. What the fuck?! What else can i do. I feel so damn hopeless.
The best thing i could probably do now is just leave. Dissapear into the background and let you live your own life. I have been trying to balance things in a way that will make me happy...but thats not going to happen, and its cruel to everyone else. I should just erase myself. Let you live and let you heal and get over me and move on without me here to keep fucking things up. I should deal with the pain myself and stop speading it to other people. I have no more options left. I dont know what else to do.
I made this mess. I guess some mistakes are irrepairable, no matter how hard you try, i guess some things you just have to live with. As much as i wish i could believe it, love is not enough to make everything golden again. Love cannot magically overcome everything and people don't live happily ever after. Love is wonderful. Love is the most amazing thing in the world. Like a fire that warms and drives you. But love that is trapped within you, unable to be expressed and obtained is like a fire that blisters and scorches your insides, eating you from the inside out.
And so i sit and burn in my own fire.
What else can i do?!?!
~I'd rather die and have you miss me~
I mean what did i expect anyway, that it would all work out happily in the end.
Ha. There is no such thing as a happy ending. I know that. I knew that.
So why is my stomach clenched and my eyes on fire. Why am i crying?
Why can't i be happy for someone else for once and put my own selfish motives behind me. Why can't i just wish you happiness, smile, and move on a forget.
it would hurt less.
I wish my head would shut up and my heart would slow down so i could think coherently.
Im so angry. Why the fuck am i angry. Im probably not really. Just a side effect of the shock. Or maybe i really am angry, who the fuck knows, my emotions have never been very reliable or practical. I want to scream and yell. I want to hate you and hate the world and forget it all but i cant.
Seriously....what did i expect. For you to wait and be lonely and miserable while i continued with my life...just waiting until we could take everything off hold and go for it again. Honestly, i think i did. Thats why this hurts so much. But i tried not to think that, tried not to believe something as petty and selfish and stupid as that. But i did....somewhere, underneath my practical side....i really believed it. I really wished it was true. But its not.
Nothing lasts forever.
I hate myself for being the emotional wreck that i am. Sometimes i wish i had never met anyone, that i had my own little corner of nothingness to disappear into...where i had no memories, no past, no loves or hates, no emotions. Where no one knows me and i can just sleep.
I feel like the world just keeps falling apart, as soon as it starts to rebuild itself it all falls apart again. As soon as we start talking and sorting shit out, we have to stop, and then someone else comes along. Its all falling apart. Piece by piece. Unraveling. I was stupid for ever believing. Stupid and selfish.
Im angry because i know im wrong. Because i know that you deserve better than me and that no one should have to sit and wait. I know. I know. Im angry because i know im wrong and thats not enough - i still feel this way. I cant shut off my emotions, and i can barely even control my life.
I feel so sick. This is going no where. I dont know what to do. Im trapped here - stuck within my life. No matter what i do, i lose someone. I'd rather just lose myself.
FUCK. i really want to scream and shout and cry until my throat breaks down. I want to punch the walls and break my belongings. But i wont. I wont because little kids scream and cry...but everyone else has to stomach it and deal with it. How the hell am i supposed to deal with all this...i have done the best i can so far and i am still always wrong. What the fuck?! What else can i do. I feel so damn hopeless.
The best thing i could probably do now is just leave. Dissapear into the background and let you live your own life. I have been trying to balance things in a way that will make me happy...but thats not going to happen, and its cruel to everyone else. I should just erase myself. Let you live and let you heal and get over me and move on without me here to keep fucking things up. I should deal with the pain myself and stop speading it to other people. I have no more options left. I dont know what else to do.
I made this mess. I guess some mistakes are irrepairable, no matter how hard you try, i guess some things you just have to live with. As much as i wish i could believe it, love is not enough to make everything golden again. Love cannot magically overcome everything and people don't live happily ever after. Love is wonderful. Love is the most amazing thing in the world. Like a fire that warms and drives you. But love that is trapped within you, unable to be expressed and obtained is like a fire that blisters and scorches your insides, eating you from the inside out.
And so i sit and burn in my own fire.
What else can i do?!?!
~I'd rather die and have you miss me~