(no subject)
Funny how my memories, my most treasured memories, can be summed up by two jackets that have been draped over the chair in my room for about 2+ years now.
Always at the corner of my eye, which i try to ignore. Yet they never fail to break my heart every time I set my eyes on them.
Wore neither of them in a while. Probably a sign of running away, or a very strong desire to not remind myself of the pain that floods my mind when I see them.
You know, people tell us we deserve so much more. Some of us believe that. I never did. I always knew I was too weak-minded to achieve that which I so much wanted, that which I so much coveted.
I always ran away.
I always smiled, I think. Whenever I'm not alone, I smile. I laugh heartily. I joke insensitively, and I get that its not always funny. I get that. It's my mask, my own security blanket. I want people to not like me. That was sometimes the only assurance I would get, that because I wasn't liked, I didn't deserve anything good.
But I do. I do want to be liked so much. We all do. I'm just the one hiding from it all.
When. When do I allow myself to not smile in front of someone. To be myself in front of someone. To be me. With someone. And yet not be worried that would have them run away.
please. open my eyes. please.
i don't want to be here.
Always at the corner of my eye, which i try to ignore. Yet they never fail to break my heart every time I set my eyes on them.
Wore neither of them in a while. Probably a sign of running away, or a very strong desire to not remind myself of the pain that floods my mind when I see them.
You know, people tell us we deserve so much more. Some of us believe that. I never did. I always knew I was too weak-minded to achieve that which I so much wanted, that which I so much coveted.
I always ran away.
I always smiled, I think. Whenever I'm not alone, I smile. I laugh heartily. I joke insensitively, and I get that its not always funny. I get that. It's my mask, my own security blanket. I want people to not like me. That was sometimes the only assurance I would get, that because I wasn't liked, I didn't deserve anything good.
But I do. I do want to be liked so much. We all do. I'm just the one hiding from it all.
When. When do I allow myself to not smile in front of someone. To be myself in front of someone. To be me. With someone. And yet not be worried that would have them run away.
please. open my eyes. please.
i don't want to be here.