Responsibility, Responsibility, (christ, put my heart in a jar)
"Is it not a sweet thing to think that, if only you have patience, all that has ever been, will come back to you?" ~ Isak Dinesen
I haven't had much to say for a bit. No reason, I just needed a break from rational thinking for a weekend. Oooh, I finished the Stranger this morning. It was good. But, in that way that I don't think anyone else will fancy it--I find lots of people don't like what I do. Yay individualism. *thumps chest* pride, yo.
I had a little argument with my Mom last night. It was over the room situation. And since I don't feel like cramming this issue into my real journal, yur all suffering. If you don't want to hear it, scroll past the italics.
See, I really think that being 18 and all, I want a room. I'm really easy going, so I never pushed for it, until this past fall. I just needed space, or I was going to explode. So I moved upstairs (which was never quite finished during construction), and all was fine. At least I had a place. NOW, my Mom is getting the attic fixed up so SHE can move up there--which means I have to be fully mobile for the construction guys. You see, while her room is being worked on, she has a room all to herself that won't be covered in insulation and sawdust--I don't have that luxury. I have a lot of things that mean the world to me, and I can't put things in any safe places (there are none, now). I'm so afraid they'll be broken, or even taken out of storage in time for me to have a room before I go to Cali this summer. I live in a sleeping bag on a mattress upstairs. Everything I own is mobile. And while my mother and brother complain their rooms are small and full of junk (some of it mine)--at least they have rooms.
My family has always been, and always will be quite literally insane.
Ugh. At least all you college kids have a place to put your shit. I don't even have that. Boxes that won't be emptied, and an ever-changing bed. IT SURE MAKES COLLEGE HOMEWORK FUN!!! While my brother smokes weed in his bedroom. fuck.
Sorry, I'm done. And now aggrivated. calm down... calm down...
I think I am one of the most confindent and emotionally adaptable people ever. No joke. My book is going well. Intro basically done and the structure is sweet too. I really hope I can publish this next year or the next. Yay for going for my dreams. I think I just decided to get off my ass and do something one day--and I haven't felt the same since. Productive? yes. that would be the word. And healthy. Always a plus.
I'm really pumped to go see my family in Cali this spring break and summer. I don't feel like I show enough of myself through that thought. I mean, I am really doing it--and it has hit me, I just don't know if I'm comfortable... neh, comfortable isn't the right word... I feel comfortable, and I feel ready. In truth, I'm excited to play young adult and go pound some cement several thousand miles from home. Go etch my name in a tree somewhere--get a start doing something. I love Gloucester, hell, I AM Gloucester & always will be--but with that thought powering me, I feel even stronger and more confident about traveling. I think my only hastening is a pre-conceived notion of severing ties, which I never believed in. Maybe it's because I am the most sincere and true person I have encountered yet, but when I say something--I mean it. I never leave people behind. It just hurts when many people close to me don't understand that love is love is love. My mother sure as hell doesn't. To her, I'm leaving her to the wolves. I find it sad and somewhat pathetic how people need one's presence to love the person. That isn't love. It's physical dependence/convenience. After an EXTRA year of being at home, and seeing how productive it has been for the family--it is time to get a little space. I guess I'm doing this now, because I think it will make transition easier for myself and others?? I dunno... Hopefully people understand that I'm not leaving this summer for escapism or hatred. Even that thought is absolutely ridiculous. This entry is ridiculous.
It's just that, it's my life. And I love everyone close to me more than they do, probably (in all honesty)--I just need to start experimenting in that positive way--and start seeing what it is like to live for me, and see for me.
I don't know if there's anything I can do to help people understand more. I heard this really amazing quote that I really enjoyed a little while ago, and I think I'll close with it. So, much love to all--stay happy,
Andrew
"Sometimes, the best love you'll ever know, is the sort you cannot participate in"
>>it applies universally.
I haven't had much to say for a bit. No reason, I just needed a break from rational thinking for a weekend. Oooh, I finished the Stranger this morning. It was good. But, in that way that I don't think anyone else will fancy it--I find lots of people don't like what I do. Yay individualism. *thumps chest* pride, yo.
I had a little argument with my Mom last night. It was over the room situation. And since I don't feel like cramming this issue into my real journal, yur all suffering. If you don't want to hear it, scroll past the italics.
See, I really think that being 18 and all, I want a room. I'm really easy going, so I never pushed for it, until this past fall. I just needed space, or I was going to explode. So I moved upstairs (which was never quite finished during construction), and all was fine. At least I had a place. NOW, my Mom is getting the attic fixed up so SHE can move up there--which means I have to be fully mobile for the construction guys. You see, while her room is being worked on, she has a room all to herself that won't be covered in insulation and sawdust--I don't have that luxury. I have a lot of things that mean the world to me, and I can't put things in any safe places (there are none, now). I'm so afraid they'll be broken, or even taken out of storage in time for me to have a room before I go to Cali this summer. I live in a sleeping bag on a mattress upstairs. Everything I own is mobile. And while my mother and brother complain their rooms are small and full of junk (some of it mine)--at least they have rooms.
My family has always been, and always will be quite literally insane.
Ugh. At least all you college kids have a place to put your shit. I don't even have that. Boxes that won't be emptied, and an ever-changing bed. IT SURE MAKES COLLEGE HOMEWORK FUN!!! While my brother smokes weed in his bedroom. fuck.
Sorry, I'm done. And now aggrivated. calm down... calm down...
I think I am one of the most confindent and emotionally adaptable people ever. No joke. My book is going well. Intro basically done and the structure is sweet too. I really hope I can publish this next year or the next. Yay for going for my dreams. I think I just decided to get off my ass and do something one day--and I haven't felt the same since. Productive? yes. that would be the word. And healthy. Always a plus.
I'm really pumped to go see my family in Cali this spring break and summer. I don't feel like I show enough of myself through that thought. I mean, I am really doing it--and it has hit me, I just don't know if I'm comfortable... neh, comfortable isn't the right word... I feel comfortable, and I feel ready. In truth, I'm excited to play young adult and go pound some cement several thousand miles from home. Go etch my name in a tree somewhere--get a start doing something. I love Gloucester, hell, I AM Gloucester & always will be--but with that thought powering me, I feel even stronger and more confident about traveling. I think my only hastening is a pre-conceived notion of severing ties, which I never believed in. Maybe it's because I am the most sincere and true person I have encountered yet, but when I say something--I mean it. I never leave people behind. It just hurts when many people close to me don't understand that love is love is love. My mother sure as hell doesn't. To her, I'm leaving her to the wolves. I find it sad and somewhat pathetic how people need one's presence to love the person. That isn't love. It's physical dependence/convenience. After an EXTRA year of being at home, and seeing how productive it has been for the family--it is time to get a little space. I guess I'm doing this now, because I think it will make transition easier for myself and others?? I dunno... Hopefully people understand that I'm not leaving this summer for escapism or hatred. Even that thought is absolutely ridiculous. This entry is ridiculous.
It's just that, it's my life. And I love everyone close to me more than they do, probably (in all honesty)--I just need to start experimenting in that positive way--and start seeing what it is like to live for me, and see for me.
I don't know if there's anything I can do to help people understand more. I heard this really amazing quote that I really enjoyed a little while ago, and I think I'll close with it. So, much love to all--stay happy,
Andrew
"Sometimes, the best love you'll ever know, is the sort you cannot participate in"
>>it applies universally.