Indian Dream

[realelvish]

I've got a new story to show off! This one started out as a prequel to The Coffin's Occupant, but it quickly took a new shape and abandoned its connection almost completely. So, forget Alex for a moment, and wallow in the horror of an insane English businessman in 1843.

WARNING: This story is about a serial killer, from the serial killer's point

Comments

[jael_the_scribe]

Oh my! Yes, I did like this story. I found it moving, creepy and strangely seductive in its POV.

One typo here:

Indian heat pools inside the courtroom, and the old man sweats visible streams from under his wig. This courtroom has no women in it. Then [They] were emptied out, for men must protect the fairer sex from horrors like these presented this day.

[realelvish]

Thanks for pointing that out!

Interesting choice of words: seductive. In the workshop, someone said it started out like a porno, which is really bizarre seeing as I've never read pornography before, much less written it.

[jael_the_scribe]

I've never read pornography before, much less written it.

Well, I'll confess that I've read my share. I would certainly not call this pornography, but, since you are in the POV of a person who has been seduced by these urges, it does have a somewhat erotic quality about it. What I am seeing here is the story of a man driven mad because he cannot come to terms with his own hidden nature.

One thing confused me a little -- I caught a glimpse of him as he tended the horses one afternoon. And then,

“My throat tightened, so I shook my head. His glance seduced me. His gaze owned me. ‘I’ll have you,’ I said.

“His chin snapped up and he smiled broadly.

“‘Report to the stable manager.’

It seems like he's smiling because he was just hired, but wasn't he already hired? BTW that 'I'll have you' is a brilliant double-entendre. Very nice line!

[realelvish]

What I am seeing here is the story of a man driven mad because he cannot come to terms with his own hidden nature.

To relate it to the metaphor: Marcus can't see that the scales are on his own skin.

It seems like he's smiling because he was just hired, but wasn't he already hired?

Or he thought he was in trouble and about to be fired. I'll figure out a way to clarify that.

At what point in the story did Ananta actually die, in your opinion?

[jael_the_scribe]

At what point in the story did Ananta actually die, in your opinion?

Again, it was a bit hard to tell, since you gave us some ambiguous clues. I would have guessed he died after the first strangulation, since he seemed strangely calm talking to Marcus the next time -- mentioning that one isn't a demon merely for not wanting to be someone's lover. A real, live Ananta would be running for his life or protesting violently.

But then, you have him saying he has a wife in the warehouse, which I took to be Ananta persona rather than demon persona, so I wondered if you meant to show us he'd survived the first two attempts. I sincerely hope not, because eye cutting is my absolute worst squick.

Add to the mix the fact that your protag is crazier than a restroom rat, so his reports and impressions can't really be trusted. All in all, I'm not really sure when Ananta died, and I'm not sure it's important to the story, which is, in fact, the ravings of a madman.

I've never read pornography before, much less written it

[realelvish]

I've never read pornography before, much less written it.

And Celebrían doesn't count!