When the drama fits
So we broke the news to hubby's family that we are leaving. Rather, that I already have my plane ticket to fly in April. They were shocked. His sister went the selfish route. It was torture.
I mean, granted, we haven't been really clear about when we were actually thinking about moving to Texas. We always kind of said, if if if. Well, after Raphael has had so much trouble and got a failing mark on his big paper, it wasn't altogether that much of a difficult decision to make. We wanted to be happy for the sake of our son. For us, right now, that means making this move. And we know we have a lot of shit to take care of and a lot of furniture. But I have to find a job in Texas or else nothing is going to happen at all in the way it should. That means I have to go in April. Teaching is just that way. Mother in law was shocked and obviously thought we were insane. But it was my sister in law who really made me angry. She asked us how we expected to see her and her family since they are a family of 6 and would never be able to fly over to the states since they could never afford it. Excuse me? Are you serious? When the fuck did you get so sentimental that A) you want to see us so often and 2) you feel it is our problem that you can't come to the states? I wanted to die. I really had so much to say but I felt like if I opened my mouth at all I would start crying and yelling. Granted, that is a part of my creepy anger problem that I have developed, but for real. I have been in Germany 2 years and not one time has my whole family flown over to visit me. For my wedding everyone but my grandma came and she will never fly here. My dad was only here for 4 days, and that was it. I don't understand why my SIL thinks that it is so much easier for my family to afford coming to see me, or for me to go there without my husband to visit. She was really being selfish about it, and she asked it not once but several times. Not only have I been in Germany over two years without my family, I have been here without even my husband's family, since they never come to visit us. I live 10 mins walking distance from my inlaws and they NEVER come over. Never call to see if I would like to go somewhere with them when they go, since they know I am home alone most of the time, and that we don't have a car so I never go anywhere. I mean, I essentially never see them although they live down the street. They are acting like I am evilly plotting to have it so they never see their grandson again, and that somehow I have convinced Raphael to do this. I dont know, I felt like no one in the room was considering the hell I have been through this year turning into a mother all on my own, no one considered what it has been like for my family not to see Karlo at all during his first year of life apart from 2 weeks. No one considered my husband's desire to start a new life in a new place and to experience a new culture. And above everything, they acted like we weren't adult at all, with the capacity to make our own desicions. I should probably tell them all this, but they know that I am lonely, that Germany has been less than kind to me. Can they not see the 30lbs I have gained being here? Can they not see me wallowing in sadness everytime they look into my face? Can they not tell by the way I close myself up in my apartment and dread leaving?
I am not the same person I was when I moved here, Germany has changed me and not for the better. I am depressed, angry and I feel alone. This is hurting my relationship with my husband, it will hurt my son, but most of all it has hurt the relationship I had to myself. I used to love who I was, now I think very often how lucky I will feel when my number is finally up. This is not who I am. This is not what I want. I need to be where I feel like I fit in, and I need to feel like I want to live. The only place for that for me is Texas.
I mean, granted, we haven't been really clear about when we were actually thinking about moving to Texas. We always kind of said, if if if. Well, after Raphael has had so much trouble and got a failing mark on his big paper, it wasn't altogether that much of a difficult decision to make. We wanted to be happy for the sake of our son. For us, right now, that means making this move. And we know we have a lot of shit to take care of and a lot of furniture. But I have to find a job in Texas or else nothing is going to happen at all in the way it should. That means I have to go in April. Teaching is just that way. Mother in law was shocked and obviously thought we were insane. But it was my sister in law who really made me angry. She asked us how we expected to see her and her family since they are a family of 6 and would never be able to fly over to the states since they could never afford it. Excuse me? Are you serious? When the fuck did you get so sentimental that A) you want to see us so often and 2) you feel it is our problem that you can't come to the states? I wanted to die. I really had so much to say but I felt like if I opened my mouth at all I would start crying and yelling. Granted, that is a part of my creepy anger problem that I have developed, but for real. I have been in Germany 2 years and not one time has my whole family flown over to visit me. For my wedding everyone but my grandma came and she will never fly here. My dad was only here for 4 days, and that was it. I don't understand why my SIL thinks that it is so much easier for my family to afford coming to see me, or for me to go there without my husband to visit. She was really being selfish about it, and she asked it not once but several times. Not only have I been in Germany over two years without my family, I have been here without even my husband's family, since they never come to visit us. I live 10 mins walking distance from my inlaws and they NEVER come over. Never call to see if I would like to go somewhere with them when they go, since they know I am home alone most of the time, and that we don't have a car so I never go anywhere. I mean, I essentially never see them although they live down the street. They are acting like I am evilly plotting to have it so they never see their grandson again, and that somehow I have convinced Raphael to do this. I dont know, I felt like no one in the room was considering the hell I have been through this year turning into a mother all on my own, no one considered what it has been like for my family not to see Karlo at all during his first year of life apart from 2 weeks. No one considered my husband's desire to start a new life in a new place and to experience a new culture. And above everything, they acted like we weren't adult at all, with the capacity to make our own desicions. I should probably tell them all this, but they know that I am lonely, that Germany has been less than kind to me. Can they not see the 30lbs I have gained being here? Can they not see me wallowing in sadness everytime they look into my face? Can they not tell by the way I close myself up in my apartment and dread leaving?
I am not the same person I was when I moved here, Germany has changed me and not for the better. I am depressed, angry and I feel alone. This is hurting my relationship with my husband, it will hurt my son, but most of all it has hurt the relationship I had to myself. I used to love who I was, now I think very often how lucky I will feel when my number is finally up. This is not who I am. This is not what I want. I need to be where I feel like I fit in, and I need to feel like I want to live. The only place for that for me is Texas.