(no subject)
If you wonder why I always use code to center my entires,
it's because I like balance.
Too bad, life has been so unbalanced, and in such affecting areas.
Personally, obviously things could be better.
Socially being, physical structure, and mental function.
Love, for my heart, aches hard...at times.
Most moments, I am in peace.
Love, for my body and soul, fills right...during moments.
Financially, I am an asshole.
A caper to spending, frivolous, and without caution.
No disregard to the hard earned dollar,
I just move on my own.
Swift notions, not promotions as day in and out.
I forget about the mechanics.
School, yea.
I do well, and I always have, but I am sure to tell you otherwise as well.
[Today:1/18/2005] English class, I faded hard.
Right into Bio lecture; I woke to the end of an hour and half nap and a quiz.
The kid next to me told me I was rockstar, and asked me for the answers.
I gave in, I had studied the chapter the night before,
and told him that a nickname of mine was indeed, Rockstar Rhonda.
But, things are good, I do all of my readings.
I guess there would be more I wish to change.
Maybe, make better personal decisions.
Find some sport that fulfills my missing of surfing,
even though I still try to surf as much as possible.
Being a better student again,
something I am really striving for,
is certainly going to be a dynamic change.
Surf expo was fun.
The Broughtons, a Yardly, a Harvey, and a stray-cat longhaired fellow stayed in my hotel that Friday night. I ened up going to LuLu's with the crew. My new friend Dick accompanied and took care of us all. He's a rep for Electric, Cobian, and Rusty, and I had partied with earlier that day after getting into Orlando. I watched the faces of many of the bright talent, budding, knowing nothing of the things I hope they never find. The future of surfing in America seems so powerful, and these are my peers. Slater, Cormican, Lopez, and Hobgood took the stage for awards and, later, auctions for Tsunami relief. I basically, lived it up and chatted with a crowd of beautiful faces. Anyways, LuLu's was awesome, and I danced up with the guitarist and singer of ASG. I was feeling so happy and free - the live music was so amplifying to every action I made.
Sleeping/kissing/talking shit/waking up/
drinking a 12 pack before getting out of bed/slamming Beam and Captain/sloshed at 10 am/
showing to expo/at the door/getting a call/
saying your/uncle/took/his
...life.
I collapsed,
recouped,
went in, brought the group in,
and found a Slide-o-Vator.
Not nearly thirty minuets went by, and everyone seemed so plastic.
I had no one to hold, no one to hug, no one to feel the fucking intensity.
And, I was reeling from a night of passionate eyes with nothing but a young man.
This man I share eyes with puts a nasty intensity in my stomach.
Now, I was combating this alongside of a death in my family.
I waited in a high chair, moments went by, and things were so static.
The cab drive was mimicked with horns, and sun-stinking drinking sweat.
At the hotel, my room was next to a highway and it was loud.
All I could do was turn up the air, freeze out the room, and find sleep in a bed I wished I had not made.
When I was up, around 3, I stumbled to the gas station, and asked for a ride to the convention center.
Disoriented, but clothing changed, I managed to reveal myself to the masses.
A coming out of senses; I ripped off clothing in hallways, slammed beers, played ping-pong, jumped and screamed for free merchandise. Way out of control and leading the leaders. At the hotel I relaxed and showered, rehydrated, and later, filled a bathtub with beer. Everyone came ready, but I was over it long before, and ended up staying as opposed to going out clubbing. A decision I made even before seeing Bryan, red and puffy, hive ridden, experiencing an allergic reaction. I felt badly, but knew not of what I could do...and all of his friends were there, I did not know in this one instance what was appropriate. But, I linked our illnesses in time. The day lingered and lengthened. I talked to Dana for a good while, and I felt better in my heart. I later ended up picking up Ashely and lending myself to Austin and Sisqco, as Bryan sat in stillness. The mood was surreal and odd.
In the morning I cleaned myself up a slight bit, and traveled for water.
Then, I traveled into a room with sleepers, and lay next to a shirtless friend.
Another run around expo, to say bye to friends, pick up shade orders, new posters, see a jam eating contest at Volcom, and look forward six months.
My mood had improved, slightly.
But, still, as I was at Ashley's in Cocoa Beach, my stomach held fast and low.
I hurt and continued to, a lot of last week, until I fell back into the swing of things with school.
Long time, I wrote, found it inside of my system, thought I should date it.
I'll feel it if you pray for me tonight.