Let the sunshine in
I think I want to be an actress so that I can experience all aspects of life. Ive always been indecicive. I cant choose. Just like I cant choose what I want to do and who I want to be. Just like I love to dream. I dont like them to end. Waking up and realizing that the moments I just experienced; the most alive Ive ever felt...wasnt even real. Its so dissapointing. And when I wake I confuse my dream with real life. On the stage I can forever be in dreamworld. Theatre is the ultimate escape from reality. And I love it.
I want to write as well. But sometimes I think Ive lost my gift. Im so cloudy lately. There are words...so many thoughts I have to say. Ill be midsentence and forget the word I wanted to use-and no other word will do- or worse, I'll forget where I was going, what I needed to say. Its there, its all there. But there is a barrior. Something is infecting my brain. Taking my gift. It scares me. Its not fair. At the prime of my life I feel like everything Ive written is crap. Not how I used to write. Some of my best writing was...oh my god...I just realized. My best writing. It was before I got sick! Oh fuck it all! I cant believe I never thought of that! Forget the pain, the sickness, the depression, everything...Id take it all just so that I wouldnt have to loose my gift.
The rest is silence.
I want to write as well. But sometimes I think Ive lost my gift. Im so cloudy lately. There are words...so many thoughts I have to say. Ill be midsentence and forget the word I wanted to use-and no other word will do- or worse, I'll forget where I was going, what I needed to say. Its there, its all there. But there is a barrior. Something is infecting my brain. Taking my gift. It scares me. Its not fair. At the prime of my life I feel like everything Ive written is crap. Not how I used to write. Some of my best writing was...oh my god...I just realized. My best writing. It was before I got sick! Oh fuck it all! I cant believe I never thought of that! Forget the pain, the sickness, the depression, everything...Id take it all just so that I wouldnt have to loose my gift.
The rest is silence.