(no subject)
I seriously think I'm losing brain cells. I'm not as smart as I used to be. It's like my whole head is in the fog and I can only render bits and pieces of the scenery. Enough to not be considered impaired, of course. But not enough that compliments my abilities. ((EDIT;; Oh and I can't remember shit either. Like just now. I posted this, and then had to come back because I FORGOT to say that I've been forgetting stuff easily too.))
Stupid shit ruining my life.
Last Monday on my break, I went over to Power House Gym and had a session with one of the trainer guys about getting a membership. 35 dollars a month, and 2 free personal training sessions. It all came to a halt, though- when I told him I was 16. Gotta have a parent signature. FUCK.
So I broke down and talked to my mom about it. She said she's all for me getting exercise. But this morning she trapped me, when I asked her if she'd thought about it.
"I'll let you do it if you will got o church with me."
I went off. Bitched up a storm. "HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO THAT WHEN I WORK ON SUNDAYS, MOM!"
Ect. So, I think I'll be joining, and NOT attending church.
Last night I found a pack of menthol ultra light cigarettes. Heaven sent. I found them just in time for my break. I got some matches, grabbed a sugar free red bull, and headed outside to smoke my break away.
Mom is suspecting my smoking though. I keep telling her that I'm keeping them for Liz because Denise would kill her if Liz was caught. She doesn't totally believe me. But I pulled the "Smoking is sick, ect." bullshit.
Pretty sure it worked. And smoking is gross. I don't even inhale. I just like the taste of menthols. And it seriously keeps me away from food. I smoked a cigarette during lunch today. Staff walked by a couple of times- but I'm smooth like butter, so no one noticed. I want to tell my mom that yeah, I "smoke" cigarettes. So then I wouldn't have to hide them from her. But fuck that. That means abandoning my pride and admiting to hypocrisy. And she'd use it against me any time she could. No... No I think I'll just be quiet.
I had to smoke another cigarette before coming here and getting online. I didn't want to be tempted to use that 75 cents for the EVIL VENDING MACHINE OF DOOM! ...upstairs.
My jawline really hurts. It feels bruised. Near my chin, but before my jaw curves. Could I have bruised my face, simply by resting my head on my hand? Or something?
Good news though. My pants are getting baggier. And I know it's not just because it's the end of the day- but this morning they hung loose around my butt and I was so thankful. Sometimes I can't tell if I'm losing or not- and then I get discouraged. But little as this joy was- it helped me. My fingers have gone down a size also. My rings keep sliding up and down my fingers. And my too-tight shoes fit comfortably. I want to make this last.
Hopefully I will be a member of the gym not to far from now.
Fucking hell I can't wait.
Midnight exercises, here I come.
~Blaise
...actually. Just go to my memories. there are tons.