a bit about me and a bit about he
I'm thinking maybe it's time to air out concerns reguarding my current state of mind. I feel like all my posts since I've left home have been very broad and glossy. I haven't captured any of my thoughts about all the changes happening here, nor have I attempted to detail the processes which caused them. It's time to share, because I'm afraid and I ( Read more... )
I worry about our relationship, too. I assume I was one of the people you worry about. I'm sorry I haven't wrote you a letter. If I were to, this is what it would say:
I miss you so much that I can't even think about you. And I know how you are and that you are probably so caught up in your new life that you barely have time to think about your old one. I'm afraid that when you come back, I won't have anything to teach you or that you'll be so changed that I won't recognize you anymore.
I've changed too, in a lot of ways. I don't want a boyfriend anymore. Somewhere along the line this semester that gap in my life filled in and I feel whole without anyone else as my emotional base. Guys are still around, it's not a cleansing purity test, but nobody else has the power to make me any less me anymore. The other differences are more subtle. I've gone months without spending a dime because I haven't had any money. It's been good for me. Living with Lauren has taught me more patience than I thought I could ever obtain. I go see my grandmother every Saturday and it helps me to feel more family-oriented.
Courtney came back and she and I have fallen right back into the way we were, with a few minor but positive changes. It upsets me that you don't want to be who we were, though I understand your desire to grow and change. I hate that I had to stay home while everyone else got to see the world and learn about themselves. I'm so jealous of you two and I'm so resentful of having been left behind (indirectly, of course. no blame). I hate that it was money, not fear or contentment, that kept me here. I hate how immature these emotions feel. I've found several fulfilling friendships in your absence, and I'm so grateful for them. But I share your apprehension of your return. You've been one of the only people in my life who seems to understand the way I think and why I act the way I do. If you've changed into someone you feel is closer to the real you, then I'm so happy for you. But I'll miss my friend. All I can hope is that we'll take one look at each other and know that all these fears were unfounded. I love you.
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oh & as for your abroadness--i still need a buddy for berlin. think about it.
ohhhh & i told my dad to send the check. what should i get for the apt??? i know i need a mattress and a desk. my mom has dished if we need them, but are there any community items i should cover?
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As for Berlin- keep trying to persuade me. I'm more and more into it every day. I need adventure before I settle down, at least for a year or two. But does it have to be Berlin?
We have dishes, I believe. You need to get a wardrobe b/c our closet is too small for your stuff alone, nevermind if we try to share it. And if you have an extra TV lying around, we could use one in the basement next to our PRECOR MACHINE and TOTAL GYM! But if not, someone will have one.
When are you coming back to the States? When are you moving in?
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i'm taking two summer classes, YUP!...you heard it. they both start july 11th, which means i'm in the apartment, no doubt, by the 10th.
i read about your canada trip, so i'm guessing i'll have the place pretty much to myself the first week i'm in. that could be peaceful or meloncholic. not sure!
in any case, i must work my ass off all summer to repay the debt i am quickly accumulating here. so, disability services it is :) i also want to try to find a night job.
i just have a small TV like the one that was in our room soph. year. i don't know if that will do, so i will try to ask around.
p.s. mionsen="hello" in german (phonetically, i'm sure i murdered the spelling)!!
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