(no subject)

[ready_aim_love]

i would like to share with you all, possibly the greatest thing i have ever read.

allow me to introduce you to my lords and saviors.

• Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• The term "carnivore" was invented after Chuck Norris was spotted at a carnival eating babies.
• Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
• Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
• Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
• A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
• To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
• In 1959 Stephen Hawking became the first and only person to outsmart Chuck Norris. He learned his lesson.
• A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there
• Chuck Norris was with a good friend when he was suddenly attacked by a ninja. He easily defeated him by throwing him out the window. His friend commented by humorously saying, "Looks like that guy got 'chucked' out the window!" Chuck Norris was confused at the mention of his name, and roundhouse kicked his friend through a wall.
• Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
• The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
• Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• Chuck Norris' sidekick on Walker Texas Ranger isn't black, he's bruised.
• Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
• Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
• Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
• Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
• When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
• After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
  
• Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.
• Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.
• Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.
• Ever have a sharp pain in your chest that you can't explain? That was Mr. T, and it was a warning.
• Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.
• All that glitters is not gold: If it's not being worn by Mr. T, then it's just jibba jabba, and Mr. T pities the fool who can't tell the difference. This is where the phrase "fool's gold" comes from.
• Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.
• You can lead Mr. T to water, but chances are that you will die there.
• 23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
• Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.
• When he found out he would lose the rematch while making Rocky III, Mr. T administered to Sylvester Stallone an angy look. Seeing Mr. T's anger broke every bone in Sly's face, left him mildly retarded and unable to remember the incident. To this day, Sly has no idea why he shits his pants at the mere sight of a black man with a mohawk.
• Mr. T pities fools because even fools deserves their daily dose of vitamin T.
• On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.
• Michael Jackson is the only fool that Mr. T refuses to pity. He finds that it would be insulting to the pity.
• Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.
• If you were born before 1980, there is a good chance that Mr. T is your father. If you were born after, it's guaranteed.
• Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.
• Like King Midas, everything Mr. T touches turns to gold, even food. Unlike King Midas, Mr. T has learned to ingest gold, like a real man would.
• Mr. T once beat Mike Tyson in a boxing match with only his left thumb. After the three second match was over, Mr. T pitied Mike Tyson so bad that he began to talk funny.
• There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.
• Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.
• Mr. T pities the fool who doesn't pity the fool, thus creating a neverending loop of pity and pain.
• Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.
• When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.
• Mr. T does not know you personally, but the odds are 7 in 10 that he pities you.
• Mr. T once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that Mr. T was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.
• Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.
• Mr. T and Chuck Norris once encountered each other on a lonesome British path. Before the inevitable battle could begin, the earth shit itself and created Scotland.
• Mr. T once bit off more than he could chew. He ate it anyway.
• Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.