Fic: What Rachel Knows Chapter 6
What Rachel Knows: Chapter Six
The Middle Years
Thank you to everyone still reading this and all the great comments.
Enjoy!
Things progressed in a fairly quick but predictable manner after Rachel’s first slushy. At least until it hit a plateau.
Rachel had given much thought on how to deal with all this new information, and of course Quinn’s newest actions, and came up with just about nothing.
She couldn’t approach Quinn. As much as she wanted to be there for someone who was obviously having such issues with their sexuality, especially when she was apparently the source for much of the struggle, she could tell that Quinn just wasn’t ready.
She wasn’t really anxious for another Slushy facial anytime soon.
A confrontation wouldn’t do either of them any good right now, especially since Rachel was still so unknowledgeable about the other girl. She didn’t know anything about the other girl’s home life, except that it was a heavily Christian household. When coming to terms with her sexuality, especially in an environment like this, Quinn’s home life is probably the most important factor.
So she decided, possibly wrongly, that she would treat Quinn in the same manner she had treated Santana. Rachel wouldn’t mention the whole sexuality issue, she would try and stay out of the other girl’s way, and, throughout it all, do her best to remain pleasant.
She didn’t think the slushy was an acceptable outlet for Quinn’s feeling, but she was also willing to let the lapse in judgment go. People do crazy things when frightened, and, above all, she was pretty sure Quinn was terrified.
Unfortunately for Rachel, the mixed up emotions in Quinn’s head did not find this acceptable.
Quinn still spent a lot of time staring at her. Except now, the gaze was not wistful or longing or even happy. Instead, all Rachel had to look forward to were heat-filled glares.
In math class, Rachel believed that Quinn’s grade must have dropped considerably due to how often the other girl was glaring at her instead of paying attention to the teacher. Except, because Quinn, for some reason, still chose to sit close enough that Rachel was able to see each still superb grades on the quizzes and tests as they were handed back.
That actually confused Rachel. She had never had a crush on someone, not yet anyway, so she really didn’t know how Quinn was feeling, but if Quinn hated how she was feeling so much, if she was even acknowledging it, why was she always around. Rachel would never try to force herself to feel differently about something, she would never be ashamed of her feelings one way or another and would fight for those feelings (which would cause her trouble in the future), but if she did, she would probably try to stay away from the object of her affection.
Quinn, though, seemed to be completely okay with being around Rachel all the time, as long as she was acting in anger. Just because they were glares didn’t mean she still wasn’t watching her, even in gym class. Sometimes Rachel would look over at Quinn and they only became glares when Quinn noticed the attention.
But it is true that her school situation did change. As bad as it seemed before, things unfortunately changed for the worse. Santana, luckily, seemed to back off, allowing Quinn to take the reins when dealing with Rachel, although she was always around to provide a witty insult. Still, even though Rachel had once caught her trying to put rocks in her food (and who put weird things in other people’s food anyways), things with Santana were never personal.
Quinn was the one who took to pushing things in a discomforting direction with Rachel, and it was definitely personal. And the rest of the school, no longer worried about the conflicting nature of the two head girls, followed suit.
The next couple years for Rachel were not fun. Things were bad enough that she actually thought of going to her dads, even though she knew they would end up making it a spectacle. Instead, she persevered, pushing herself to use what was happening as inspiration to think of the future.
People were slow to take to Slushy throwing as a form of bullying. They could see why someone like Quinn Fabray could get away with it. Everyone loved Quinn, teachers and students, so of course she could get away with something so obvious. However, all it took was Noah Puckerman, of course, experimenting in the frozen beverages to discover that it really was easy to get away with.
It was such an embarrassing act, getting Slushied, that most people didn’t report it, even if it did mean wearing a discolored shirt the rest of the day. Even if it was reported, the student who threw the Slushy could very easily claim that it slipped. The act itself was so simple, but demeaning, and provided the sort of physical comedy that students loved that it was no wonder people took to it.
Rachel herself, a frequent victim of Slushies, had taken to wearing thick sweaters that mostly protected her. She always brought an extra, but even her undershirt could work as a average shirt if necessary. Plus, she liked mixing it up between the professional looking argyle patterns and cute animals. It was an unfortunate side effect that it gave others just another thing to make fun of - constantly - but Rachel could never be sure if there was honestly something wrong with the way she was dressing, or if they were just looking for something to make fun of her with.
But, like with Santana, the rest of the school treated her with a sort of impersonal disdain. They didn’t like her, but the thought it was funny and amusing to treat her like garbage. They did it because they liked treating someone bad to make themselves better, and Rachel was the socially acceptable target.
Quinn was the one who treated her like that because she was Rachel, which didn’t really make that much of a difference, except that Quinn was one of the few who didn’t really treat anyone else that badly.
Santana was to be feared because, no matter who you were, you would be treated with snark and snarls. Quinn was to be feared because, while she did have an attitude that seemed to be growing the more she hung out with certain people, she was basically nice unless you got on her bad side, like Rachel apparently had. They didn’t know what Rachel had done, but they knew to try not to do anything so Quinn wouldn’t treat them like she treated Rachel.
But mostly, despite the taunting and the bully, the harsh shoulder shrugs and the sneers, things with Quinn had mostly reached a impasse. The incident with Quinn seemed to cause her to snap into a frenzied rage at the mere sight of Rachel, and Rachel could not possibly guess what was going through the others girl’s head.
Did she honestly believe that Rachel had kissed her a instead of the opposite and was trying to punish her? Did she know exactly what happened, maybe even her feelings, but was trying to distant herself from the emotions, attacking Rachel to both keep her silent and prevent another incident? Or was she really so confused and repressed that she was forcing away the emotions pretending they didn’t exist, yet still drawn to Rachel in some fashion, and acting out her desires in an entirely unhealthy fashion?
Rachel had no idea, which meant she also didn’t know how to proceed. She spent the rest of seventh grade and all of eighth grade trying to, while keeping true to herself and her goals, stay out of the other girl’s way. It’s not that she didn’t want to help the other girl, even if her desire for friendship had bled away at the constant mistreatment for the most part, but she wouldn’t even know where to start. And she had a sneaking suspicion that any real attempt would just lead to more hassles on her end.
That didn’t stop her from subtly watching the other girl, trying to figure her out, even as she was pelted with insults and frozen sugar water.
Things only started changing a little when they all hit tenth grade. Quinn Fabray would probably remember this as the year she became a Cheerio, though not yet the captain, and completed her first step to ruling the school. Rachel remembered it as the year she got her first crush.
His name was Jonathon Thompson. It was a stupid crush, really, nothing special about it other than that it was her first. He wasn’t really popular or anything and they had never actually spoken, but when she looked at him…butterflies.
Well, not at first. To be honest, she hadn’t even noticed him until near the end of the school year, too busy figuring ways to avoid Quinn in her new uniform, full of fresh confidence and, apparently, a desire to spend every free moment mocking her. It couldn’t be a coincidence that 1/3 of her bathroom visits ended up with Quinn either already there or entering before she left!
She can’t even recall the first time she saw him, after all, he was two years older than her, already in the 11th grade, and they only shared one class - she was a little advanced and he was a little behind. Quinn happened to also be in the class, of course.
Apparently, according to the school records that she definitely did not sneak a peek at, he was on the wrestling team as well as band, which was surprising. Dark-haired and constantly smiling, Rachel definitely considered him cute and good-natured, if a bit dull, but that wasn’t what drew her attention.
He had been sent out of for their shared class while they went over a test he still had to make up and Rachel, who had been answering questions all period, was sent to retrieve him. When she found him, though, the older boy had apparently gotten bored reading the text book and was, rather dorkily, dancing and singing on his iPod. He was great.
It was the first time she felt like this for someone and, though she knew her popularity level and the fact that she was at least three years his junior meant he wouldn’t look twice at her, she wanted to pounce on him. At the same time, she was overcome with an unprecedented shyness. She had never felt this way. She had always been a take charge sort of girl, so to be rendered speechless and bashful was unheard of.
Yet, she was the one spending her English classes staring googly-eyed at some boy she had never talked to and spending math filling her notebook up with little hearts and doodles. She even came up with a number of clever plans to force their interaction, including anonymously tricking and/or blackmailing him into glee club where they would officially meet, sing together, and fall in love.
Their current male lead, despite being unfairly favored by Mr. Ryerson, was stilted sounding with no power behind his vocals or stage presence, and Rachel would welcome a replacement.
It was not, however, meant to be. Before Rachel was ever able to introduce herself, Quinn became involved.
Apparently, Rachel had not been very subtle in her mooning, but Rachel had no idea of what was to come. One day she was happily planning her wedding to the future Mr. Berry - she was not changing her name, Rachel Berry had start appeal! - and the next she was sobbing her eyes out.
The first time she knew something was going awry was during English class while she was staring as Jonathon stuttered out his presentation on Of Mice and Men. Quinn, who was once again sitting next to her for some reason, leaned over to sneer at her.
“Hey Lennie,” the girl snarled under her breath, much to Rachel’s confusion, “Try to keep the drooling over George up there to a minimum. I don’t want to slip on the puddle of saliva you’re so intent on making. After all, as future head cheerleader, Coach Sylvester would have a heart attack if I injured myself.”
Rachel rolled her eyes and shifted away from the girl, annoyed at both the implication - that she was drooling, that she was a man, that Jonathon was slow like George; Quinn was rather good at slipping in multiple insults - and the way Quinn had once again forced her rise to Cheerleading into a conversation. It seemed like Quinn was always bragging about it to her in their few conversations, reminiscent of the girl who once pushed herself in gym class just for attention.
“Look at me, look at me,” she imagined the other girl spouting with a grin, twirling around in her silly red skirt, “I’m a cheerleader now.” She held in a snort.
It would be endearing if it wasn’t always caked in a couple layers of insults.
If she knew what was going to happen next, she probably wouldn’t have ignored Quinn.
As soon as the class ending, Rachel was up and grabbing her bag. It was a little unfortunate, in retrospect, that she had a seat directly behind Jonathon and had front class seats to the show.
Quinn, somehow even quicker than Rachel, was up immediately at the bell. She did not leave, though, instead sidling up to Jonathon and introducing herself. Rachel tried to ignore it at first, telling herself she was better off not listening, but found herself eavesdropping anyways.
She heard a simpering sweet tone, though she couldn’t make out the exact words over the sounds of rushing students, eager to dilly-dawdle in the hallway. She imagined Quinn was making a claim, once again striking out to show not only hurt the younger girl but also show how great she was by attracting and seducing the boy she had a crush on.
This situation wasn’t attractive by any means, but, secure in the knowledge that Quinn was quite homosexual, even if she was deep in the closet, Rachel was secure that nothing major would happen. She was equally sure she, even if she could work up the nerve to talk to him, didn’t have much of a chance, so it’s not like Quinn was stealing him away. But, as the students managed to escape the classroom and the noise died down, Rachel learned that she had once again under estimated Quinn’s malicious side.
“…just be careful,” Rachel finally made out, Quinn’s voice still pleasant and a concerned expression on her face, “she’s definitely a bit of a stalker. I saw her sneaking out of the boys’ locker room right around the time wrestling practice ended the other day, and, despite what we all know she’s packing, she definitely wasn’t changing in there. I can tell you, I sit next to her and her notebook is filled with drawings of you and lists planning the future.” Jonathon was staring at Quinn with a horrified look on his face.
Rachel wanted to die. This was so much worse than what she thought Quinn was doing. It was one thing to make fun of her for a harmless little crush, but this was just disgusting. Yes, she had drawn hearts around his name in her notebook and watched him sing once, in a classroom after she had been sent by a teacher to get him, but she wasn’t a stalker.
“Good luck,” Quinn advised, giving the boy a small pat on the back as she went to leave, “And remember to check under your bed at night.” The girl left wearing a wicked smile, not looking back at the mess she made and leaving the two of them alone in the room, other than the ineffectual teacher.
Jonathon, unable to help himself, turned to her wearing an expression of disgust and fear. Who knows what Quinn had been saying before it was quiet enough for Rachel to overhear. Seeing her watching with her own expression of horror, he swallowed nervously and made a desperate sprint for the door.
“Wait,” she called, making a move towards him, but he didn’t stop.
“Leave me alone,” he called over his shoulder, his squeaky, nervous voice nothing like the rich baritone she had heard before, and she stopped, devastated. This hurt.
It was a silly crush, she told herself. She had never spoken to him. She probably never would have. It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter.
Why did it matter?
It made no sense at all that it hurt so much. Part of it was that the person she had been crushing on, dying to talk to, now thought she was a freak who was stalking him - and she knew this wouldn’t help her still flailing social status - but that Quinn would sink to this. She wanted to punch something, maybe kick and scream.
Instead, she plastered a smile on her face, making sure that it reached her eyes, and walked into the hallway with a jaunty skip in her step. She felt Quinn’s eyes, trying to stay hidden behind a locker, almost immediately. She ignore the burn of her gaze.
Just like she ignored the pain.
She went to her next period class and paid perfect attention. She grinned brightly at the teacher and put even more effort into answering the questions correctly and creating perfect notes.
And when she was Slushied almost immediately after she left that class, she didn’t let it faze her, making her way to the bathroom and changing in record time.
She ignored the feel of Quinn’s eyes, cold and harsh, following her for the rest of the day. She ignored the new rise of whispers already spreading fresh rumors. She ignored the way Mr. Ryerson disregarded her, the best singer in the club, to focus instead on the wooden boy, tall and good-looking but lacking anything resembling talent.
Eventually she made it home and stopped ignoring the pain that was clawing at her chest. She collapsed on her bed sobbing, wishing there was someone home to talk to. But she had no one.
She let the tears run dry, knowing from experience that it was better to let it all out, even if it did leave her a little hoarse. Once she had calmed down a little, she fetched herself a large glass of water a gulped it down, letting the small action sooth her.
She distracted herself for a little while, focusing her anger and misery on her homework and, when that failed, her plans to get rid of Ryerson. He was, after all, horrible at his job and holding her talent back and she needed somewhere to channel her frustration.
And then, she sang.
Feeling lonely, took out the camera her dads had allowed her to get as a birthday present during the holiday season and set everything up. She had been planning this for a while and now she had the perfect cocktail of emotions to truly give the song depth.
She took a deep breath and flicked the camera on. Once in position , she beginning singing the familiar words.
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me
After some slight editing to prevent internet pedophiles from finding her from the everyday objects situated around her room, she posted it. Twice. Once on her MySpace account, a little dated but there for family and (nonexistent) friends to see and, again, on her YouTube account, created with no affiliation to Rachel Berry. Obviously people could recognize her if she became YouTube famous, but this account was basically anonymous, even made with a new email account. She figured it would be for the best to have some unbiased opinions.
The views on YouTube grew, if slowly, and the comments were basically nice and well-meaning. There were a few people complaining just to make noise but, unfortunately, no honest critiques. Still, it was flattering that people were watching her sing and enjoying it.
Her MySpace account, on the other hand, stagnated. For a while, there were no hits as nobody checked in. She wasn’t surprised, what with her reputation and lack of friends, not to mention it was her first video. And then, finally, a hit and a comment.
If I were parents, I would sell you back.
Of course it was an insults. If Rachel recalled correctly, and based on the picture, Sky Splits was, of course, Quinn. And soon more, similar, comments followed from a mass of unrelenting cheerleaders, wannabees, and hanger-ons. Pathetic.
She huffed, displeased with this turn of events. Displeased with Quinn in general.
Whatever. She was done. If Quinn wanted to single her out and do her best to make her life miserable, then fine. But Rachel was done trying to be compassionate to her struggle. She would not waste any more time pondering on the other girl. She was done.
Of course she wouldn’t spill the other girl’s secret, or ignore that it existed - knowledge was power after all - but she would no longer allow the secret to affect her actions. Yes, Quinn was facing a life changing occurrence that was especially earth shattering because of her family life and ideals, but that was no excuse for her actions.
She was done.
----
She wasn’t done.
This was ridiculous. She got through the rest of tenth grade fine. She ignored the other girl as much as possible - and it was really hard with some of the things she would say - and she tried to get through school with everyone thinking she was some transsexual, stalking loudmouth with a propensity for ugly clothes. She was even to survive Jonathon looking terrified and running away every time he saw her.
He even transferred English classes for goodness sake.
She vowed that the next time she liked somebody, she wouldn’t stand around and hope things happened. She would go all out, plot and plan and act to get what she wanted. She was the one, after all, who had managed, just in time for the summer, to get Mr. Ryerson relieved of his duties. She could do anything she set her mind to. She definitely wouldn’t let Quinn Fabray ruin things for her.
So when she heard Finn Hudson - tall, good-looking, a little dopey, charismatic, and a voice full of potential - begin singing Grease, she knew she was going to get him, despite their social standing differences.
Despite the fact that he was one of the boys who had thrown things at her from their cars.
Live and let live, after all. He honestly seemed like one of the nicer people on the football team anyways, even if he was sort of their leader. She knew enough about Noah and high school dynamics that Finn was probably less in charge of everything than even he thought.
The two of them were standing in line at Carmel High School’s concession stand, preparing to watch their invitational, and Rachel could see this, despite that they were kind of spying on their opposition, as being date material. It was like a group date! People did those, right?
That is not to say she was being delusional. She knew it was nothing of the sort, but she could see it being one in the future. She had the greatest respect for Vocal Adrenaline and was a huge fan of some of the students, so this wasn’t her first show.
She could see the two of them in the future, possibly still in a group, probably alone and being romantic. They would have had dinner before hand and were settled down ready to watch when it is announced that Vocal Adrenaline soloists Andrea Cohen and Jesse St. James have developed an unfortunate case of mono and are unable to perform. Knowing the show must go on, Rachel and Finn would volunteer to fill in and end up getting a standing ovation as the entire audience realizes their talent! Or something like that.
She turns to the taller boy.
“You’re very talented,” she says matter-of-factly, feeling this is the perfect place to start subtly bringing attention to their undeniable chemistry.
“Really?” he asks, surprised but definitely pleased as a dopey grin crosses his face.
“Yeah,” she assures, fumbling a little for her words. Honestly, she is a little shocked that he’s being so nice to her, “I would know, I’m very talented too.” She doesn’t look at him for a moment, preparing herself for the subtle subject change that will lead them to eventual Broadway marriage.
“I think the rest of the team expects us to become an item,” she brings up, finally looking at him but ignoring the awkward expression he’s wearing, “You the hot male lead and me the stunning, young ingénue that everyone roots for.” She looks away, keeping her smile in place even as she worries over his response.
“Well, I have a girlfriend,” he finally says stiltedly, keeping his eyes forward.
“Really,” she replies, disappointed. She tries to keep her nonchalance, feigning curiosity as she asks, “Who?”
“Quinn Fabray.”
Rachel’s reaction is immediate. No longer is she feigning polite curiosity or proposing what their teammates thoughts might, hypothetically, be. She may not know all that many people in their school, she is a little self-absorbed at times, and may have thought Finn was just a dumb jock a week ago, but she knows who Quinn is. And, for the life of her, she does not understand how this is happening.
She turns to Finn, her face showing her surprise and dismay.
“Cheerleader Quinn Fabray? The president of the celibacy club?” How exactly is this happening? Since when did Quinn start dating boys? She knows it is stupid, Quinn can do whatever she wants, but Rachel couldn’t help wondering what this meant.
This was a joke. Quinn Fabray, the person who made her life miserable because of her repressed fixation was finally dating boys, years after her friends had started, to date the newfound love of her life.
Okay, that was a little dramatic, even for her, but still.
“We’re almost four months now. She’s cool,” the boy continued, a far off look in his eyes. “Mmmm, wonder if they have Sour Patch Kids.”
As they purchased their concessions, and they did have sour patch kids, Rachel pondered over this new turn of events.
Since about half-way through the seventh grade, Rachel had been positive that Quinn was not only 100% homosexual - unlike Santana and Brittany who she pegged as either bisexual or just in love (though she could always be wrong; she didn’t know them that well). She also knew that the girl had feelings of some kind for her.
She refused to spend too much time wondering about the depth and nature of these feelings, though she did have a number of outlandish daydreams on their existence when she was younger and in whimsical moods.
She knew that, at the very least, there were sexual feelings involved, and that was where the trouble started. All of the aggression and anger at Rachel, or at least most of it, radiated from Quinn’s deeply repressed feelings searching for an outlet. She doubted that there were any feelings deeper than that, though, because the two had never interacted socially and, the one time they had, Quinn basically ignored her and then kissed her. And freaked out.
For a moment, she contemplated the idea that maybe Quinn was bisexual, that she had felt things for her, and that did freak her out, but she also felt things for guys. Then she threw the thought out.
Santana Lopez and Brittany…and Brittany had boyfriends by the middle of the eighth grade, despite their own sexual shenanigans with each other, and most of the other cheerleaders and other popular girls soon followed suit. Except for Quinn. Rachel knew that it probably looked bad. Quinn was the most popular, she should have, not just a boyfriend, but an upperclassman who thinks the world of her and walks her to class. But she didn’t.
In fact, Quinn expressed zero interest in the opposite sex. If people had been looking closely, and they never did, they would have seen what Rachel saw. They way, 80% of the time, if Quinn is staring, it’s at Rachel. The way her gaze is constantly looked on female parts they shouldn’t be. Quinn is not exactly subtle.
She, possibly at her parents’ behest, created and headed Christ Crusaders and the Celibacy Club and so most people figured that she was married to her religion. At the same time, she really didn’t practice what the preachers preached, so what was the point.
But apparently Quinn had finally figured that not having a boyfriend was weird for the most popular girl in school. Four months ago, in fact, which would have been right around the end of last year. Right around the time Rachel got her first crush and Quinn ruined it. That made a depressing amount of sense.
Even choosing Finn made sense. He was a little slow, true, but he was the most popular, from Rachel’s understanding, of the boys in their year. He was also a nice guy who hadn’t really had many girlfriends and was, most likely, in experienced. All in all, he wasn’t the type to push.
Well, Rachel would not let that stop her. The fact was, despite attempts so long ago, Quinn was not her friend. Quinn was not her anything. The only thing Quinn was, starting now, was the competition.
It would be different if Finn and Quinn were some happy couple, bringing out the best in each other and loving every minute of it, but Rachel knew the truth. Finn might love being with Quinn, and, despite their past, Rachel could see why, but she doubted the boy was in love with her. She would be doing him a favor. It would be better for them to break up now, and with another prospective relationship prepared for him to soothe any pain, than for him to legitimately fall in love with a girl who would never return it.
And Quinn could easily find another beard/distraction. Boys would fall at her feet for obvious reasons, and Quinn would be able to put off confronting her sexuality even longer. Maybe she would even be able to figure herself out, after all, it hadn’t been Finn she had been leering at the Lima Community Pool those almost three out of those four months. Which Rachel could have done without.
Not that the leering was really a problem. She had grown used to it and even finds it a little flattering now. Really, though, it’s things like Quinn and Santana (and Brittany) sneaking in to steal and run off with her swim top, among other humiliating tricks, that she minds. She doesn’t even understand why they were at the public pool because Rachel has it on good authority that Santana has her own pool.
At least Rachel would end up with her leading man. Quinn might even, on seeing Rachel happily in a relationship and gaining popularity through their very successful club and her plethora of perfect solos and loving duets, might even move on with her life and find a new person to fixate on.
Everything would work out perfectly.
----
Things did not work out perfectly.
A/N: Alright, sorry about the long wait. This chapter was hard to write and didn’t turn out all that great because it had to get us to the pilot. I started them in seventh grade and the pilot is in tenth, so this chapter was basically filler to bring us to present day.
Things get better after this though.
It should, if everything goes to plan, follow bits, Rachel and Quinn pertinent bits anyways, up to around Prom Queen and end in New York.
The next bit, though, is a brief Quinn interlude, so we can enjoy that.
By the way, Jonathon, Rachel’s non-canon first crush, was basically just me following her typical type. Attractive, dark-haired, somewhat dim, and a good voice.