It's time for moving on...
Lately, I've been feeling the need to hold on to the things around me. Not all of them -- maybe not even most of them -- but realizing that I'll be leaving this all behind soon has led to another realization, this one being that the things I'm most afraid of losing are things I've never "had" in the first place. Because what I will miss the most is something more than simply tangible -- it's nothing I can hold in my hands and take with me. It's evanescent as experience -- far too fleeting.
I'm mostly going to miss the people. In a way, I already do. I'm going to miss all of my friends, these people I've known and loved for so long that I don't even know where to begin. But in a way, I'm going to miss the "newer" parts of my life more. I will mourn, not for what they are, but for what they could have been, had I been able to stay.
And then there are the teachers I'll miss. I think the thing I'm most afraid about in terms of college is that my professors won't be inspiring. I come from a world where everyone I care about on the faculty is so excited about learning and teaching that it's infectious, you can't not learn. I don't want to ever find out what it's like to have apathetic teachers -- or at least if I must find this out, let me discover it in classes that are not English.
And really, I think that's what it boils down to. My English experience, led by Mrs. and Mr. McClure and now Mr. Krucli, has been more than I ever could have asked for. But now that I'm going to college specifically to study English, I'm afraid it won't live up to this measure of success.
(And for some reason, I'm more sad to be leaving Mr. Krucli than I am to be leaving the McClures, not because I like him better, but because I feel like there are so many more good times I could have with him in the future if it didn't have to be all over so soon. And because I've left the McClures before, but I've never had to leave him for anything yet, and I really like him and I think he might be one of my favorite teachers of all time. I don't even know what it is about him, but if that's who I am in twenty years, I won't be disappointed.)
And I'm also afraid that no history teachers will ever match up to Koger, Vargish, and even Opkins. I don't know if I'll ever find anyone as inspiring or excited about history as the first two. Vargish and Koger are essentially the main reasons for my interest in history -- I guess I'm afraid that interest might dwindle when they're gone.
Mostly, I don't want to go. Or rather, I do...but there are portions of my life I'm not ready to leave behind yet. I'm not ready to leave Mr. Krucli, or Mr. Koger, or maybe even Mr. Fukuda. I'm not ready to leave my favorite Borders, which has been here as long as I've lived here. I'm not ready to leave the Spectrum and Orange County Performing Arts Center.
I'm not ready to let go.
There's a leap I have to take -- at some point, if I want to make a clean break -- and I'll have to let go of all of these things I'm still hanging on to, and swing out into the void and grab ahold of those nebulous replacements that linger out there on the edge of my awareness. I know it's necessary. But at the same time...
I'm reminded oddly of a line from a song in the musical "The Last Five Years." The characters are singing about something completely unrelated to this, but it comes into my head anyway.
There are so many lives I want to share with you
I will never be complete until I do.
There are so many dreams
I need to see with you...
There are so many years
I need to be with you...
I will never be complete
I will never be alive
I will never change the world
Until I do
That's kind of how I feel. Like there is so much left for me here -- so much I still want to share, so many things I still want to see, so many years I want to spend, and all of it here. I understand it's irrational, I understand it's not something that will further my own personal growth...but it's something that matters. It's something I feel. Why am I so detached from this place? I haven't left yet.
I haven't left.
Yet.
I'm mostly going to miss the people. In a way, I already do. I'm going to miss all of my friends, these people I've known and loved for so long that I don't even know where to begin. But in a way, I'm going to miss the "newer" parts of my life more. I will mourn, not for what they are, but for what they could have been, had I been able to stay.
And then there are the teachers I'll miss. I think the thing I'm most afraid about in terms of college is that my professors won't be inspiring. I come from a world where everyone I care about on the faculty is so excited about learning and teaching that it's infectious, you can't not learn. I don't want to ever find out what it's like to have apathetic teachers -- or at least if I must find this out, let me discover it in classes that are not English.
And really, I think that's what it boils down to. My English experience, led by Mrs. and Mr. McClure and now Mr. Krucli, has been more than I ever could have asked for. But now that I'm going to college specifically to study English, I'm afraid it won't live up to this measure of success.
(And for some reason, I'm more sad to be leaving Mr. Krucli than I am to be leaving the McClures, not because I like him better, but because I feel like there are so many more good times I could have with him in the future if it didn't have to be all over so soon. And because I've left the McClures before, but I've never had to leave him for anything yet, and I really like him and I think he might be one of my favorite teachers of all time. I don't even know what it is about him, but if that's who I am in twenty years, I won't be disappointed.)
And I'm also afraid that no history teachers will ever match up to Koger, Vargish, and even Opkins. I don't know if I'll ever find anyone as inspiring or excited about history as the first two. Vargish and Koger are essentially the main reasons for my interest in history -- I guess I'm afraid that interest might dwindle when they're gone.
Mostly, I don't want to go. Or rather, I do...but there are portions of my life I'm not ready to leave behind yet. I'm not ready to leave Mr. Krucli, or Mr. Koger, or maybe even Mr. Fukuda. I'm not ready to leave my favorite Borders, which has been here as long as I've lived here. I'm not ready to leave the Spectrum and Orange County Performing Arts Center.
I'm not ready to let go.
There's a leap I have to take -- at some point, if I want to make a clean break -- and I'll have to let go of all of these things I'm still hanging on to, and swing out into the void and grab ahold of those nebulous replacements that linger out there on the edge of my awareness. I know it's necessary. But at the same time...
I'm reminded oddly of a line from a song in the musical "The Last Five Years." The characters are singing about something completely unrelated to this, but it comes into my head anyway.
There are so many lives I want to share with you
I will never be complete until I do.
There are so many dreams
I need to see with you...
There are so many years
I need to be with you...
I will never be complete
I will never be alive
I will never change the world
Until I do
That's kind of how I feel. Like there is so much left for me here -- so much I still want to share, so many things I still want to see, so many years I want to spend, and all of it here. I understand it's irrational, I understand it's not something that will further my own personal growth...but it's something that matters. It's something I feel. Why am I so detached from this place? I haven't left yet.
I haven't left.
Yet.