Self revelation
Bit of a self-revelation today.
Whilst I was finishing my thesis I ate more and went up to 110lbs (7st 12), which I didn't like, so I dieted for a week and got back to 108 (7st 10). It was pretty hard - I know we're only talking about a couple of pounds, but I definitely felt the calorie deficit particularly as it's Winter and I don't have a car. And yes, I can see the difference, basically on my stomach and cheeks, even if anyone else can't. So I was wondering why I bother keeping myself to such a rigid weight that keeps my BMI *just* in the healthy range, rather than 'relaxing' and thinking, well it's Winter, who cares? And then I was browsing some genderqueer forums and came across this sentence
'The problem is that my body is much more female than I feel'.
DING DING DING.
That is my problem in a nut shell. I have the potential to look extremely feminine. When I was younger I was heavier, with substantial natural breasts, a curved stomach, a round bottom and proportinally long legs. I had long, thick, dark curly hair. I thought I was fat, and my contemporaries called me fat, but I started getting attention from older men and boys very early. When I was 12, a man pinched my bottom in a public swimming pool. (Not that it isn't creepy anyway, but when I was 12 I looked 16. And when I was 16 I looked 12, ironically). But it's not really a sex thing. It's a ME thing. *I* am not very feminine, mentally. When I start to gain weight, I look more female, and I feel less like myself. I don't think I'm transgendered - I don't feel that I'm male - I just feel like a not-very-feminine woman. Unfortunately most of society doesn't appreciate those subtelties, so I feel most like 'myself' when I have a fairly androgynous look. Keeping my hair very short, in a pixie cut, helps a lot with this - I'll ask mum to cut it again for me this weekend. I also wear men's glasses. The ideal solution would be the socio-cultural deconstruction of gender binaries (all hail Judith Butler) but until that happens, I think the reason I keep myself on the thin side is to prevent myself being percieved as too feminine, or sexualized in the wrong way. I don't like being 'mis-read'.
PS - I don't hate the female body. I think it can, aesthetically, look very nice - I just don't identify that way