through the looking glass 6/8
title: through the looking glass
summary: blaine believed. blaine believed so much that he didn't doubt for a second that this guy making out with him was not his boyfriend. why can't doppelgangers just stay in their parallel universes?
rating: T
pairing: klaine; altverse kinn & blina
genre: borderline crack
warnings: n/a
notes: written for a prompt over the kurt_blaine prompt meme -- also completely wacky, so please be warned. ugh sorry wow, like my last disappearance wasn't bad enough -- eugh. luckily the story is drawing to a close.
first chapter | previous chapter
They ninja-parked on the edge of the lot, quietly exiting and creeping along behind cars. Trying to sneak attack someone with Finn proved difficult, as he was a giant tree on legs, so not-Kurt tripped him so he fell on all fours then climbed on top of his back with a quiet yee-haw. Finn blinked but kept moving, making soft whinnying noises and confirming every suspicion Blaine had that Finn's seemingly dull sex life was just a cover for a unique fetish.
When they reached the final car before the dumpster, Blaine peeked over the hood and saw that not-Brittany and -Quinn were nowhere to be seen. The swirly lines of the Other-Trap were still there though -- Principal Sue would throw a fit -- so Blaine waved at not-Kurt to go check the dumpster.
With an aggravated sigh, not-Kurt climbed off Finn and made a show of bow-leggedly moseying over to the dumpster, like every dirty fantasy about Kurt roleplaying Dean Blaine had ever had. (Blaine had once turned an unattractive shade of red when he heard Kurt coo over an Impala currently Burt's shop, that's for sure. When they were married, Blaine would buy him one and they could have sex in the backseat. Hopefully Kurt would be more sexually adventurous by that point.)
"Hell-ooo?" Not-Kurt glanced around. "Brainttany, Darkness Falls, you 'round?"
Only silence followed.
"Alright, can you get the dumpster open?" Blaine asked as he straightened, and Finn rocked back so he was kneeling. Which would've been kinda hot if Finn didn't manage to be head-level with his ribs due to his freakish height. Blaine, after all, wasn't all that short.
"Can and will are two very different words baby." Not-Kurt eyed the dumpster. "I am so not touching that."
"That's what she said." Finn snickered from where he was still kneeling.
"Your sex life is pathetic," not-Kurt called back, and Finn made a sad puppy face. Blaine, being the nice guy he was, pet Finn's hair a little to cheer him up. Finn shot him a weirded-out look but didn't move away. "Hey, that's not an excuse to get touchy-feely with Blaine! If anyone's landing some stroking, it'll be me." Not-Kurt shouted.
Blaine sent a quick prayer to Castiel that Kurt really couldn't hear through those dumpster walls.
"All inappropriate touching aside ... use this." Blaine had held onto the shirt, well aware from countless adventure-puzzle games (everything from Nancy Drew to Flight of the Amazon Queen) that you should hang onto every item, however useless or unwieldy you find it. Now he tossed it over to not-Kurt, and being a shirt it sorta flopped to the ground half-way there. Not-Kurt shot him a look and retrieved it, but didn't use it.
"I can't." Not-Kurt made his own sad puppy face. "This shirt smells like you, and once you go it'll be all I have left."
"Okay." It wasn't the weirdest thing Blaine had heard in his years of being quite attractive. "Finn, take off your shirt." Not-Kurt made a noise of agreement.
Finn crossed his arms over his chest. "You'll make fun of my nipples." That was quite possibly the weirdest thing Blaine had ever heard ever.
"We don't have anything else." Kurt would kill them if not-Kurt used the silk shirt he was wearing to pop the dumpster open.
"I have an idea," not-Kurt chirped, raising a hand. "Finn, you can wear this shirt --" not-Kurt waved the bondage shirt cheerily "-- and I can use that rag you're wearing right now." Not-Kurt tossed the shirt, and once again it meekly hit the ground half-way there.
"Okay ..?" Finn rose to his feet and clunked over to it, picking it up and holding it up against his chest. Blaine bit back a giggle, and not-Kurt's eyes were practically helping Finn strip. "Um, no offence or anything, but Kurt's skinny and Blaine is really short. I don't think this will fit a Finn-sized package."
"Well I don't want you to wear it down there --" not-Kurt stopped. "Oh, I get it. But no, trust me. Haven't you read The Sisterhood?" Finn shook his head a little too fast while Blaine nodded.
"Another constant I approve of," Blaine said. "And I agree, stranger things have happened. Give it a try, if it doesn't work at least we'll have a funny story to tell next time we're drunk." Everyone needed a series of embarrassing but frank tales to tell while three sheets to the wind.
"Fine." Finn turned around. "Nobody peek." Not-Kurt huffed dramatically and collapsed to the ground, hands over his eyes and wearing a pout that could be seen from space. Blaine politely turned around, a little disappointed to see that he was on the wrong side of the car to get a reflection of Finn changing.
"Fuck," Finn swore loudly. This was followed by clanging buckles, a slight ripping noise and the sound of a zipper slowly being jerked up. Blaine tapped his foot, bored, then glanced at not-Kurt to make sure he was still averting his gaze. He, in fact, was, and Blaine realized with a wince that he'd nearly been more pervy than the guy who defined Inappropriate.
"Okay, done."
Blaine spun around and not-Kurt popped to his feet faster than a zombie that had just spotted its first meal. Finn was standing there, and -- well, hello. Apparently The Sisterhood was more than a heartwarming tale about the bonds that bind us, and instead a guide to the oddest of sorceries. The shirt fit Finn. Admittedly, it was a little on the tight side and the straps that had hung in a gentle arc on Blaine were now taut, but it didn't look like someone had stuffed a fistful of play-do into a garlic press.
"I feel a song coming on." Not-Kurt said breathily, fanning himself. "And by song, I mean erection. And by erection, I mean, are you sure you're straight big boy?"
"Pretty sure." Finn said with a shrug. He had lovely, lovely, lovely shoulders. "Uh, Blaine? You're not about to pop a -- song, are you?"
"Like Woody's Round-Up?" Blaine replied absently, until his brain caught back up with itself. "Oh wow, that was so so wrong. I'm sorry. I swear I only watched that movie to research haunted toys, I marathoned it with Chucky while reading the Living Dummy trilogy."
"Whatever you say." Not-Kurt grinned. "I, personally, was massively attracted to Woody and Buzz. Sometimes -- no, often together."
"You would be sexually attracted to a potted plant if someone drew a dick on it." Blaine muttered. Both not-Kurt and Finn sniggered, and then not-Kurt looked to Finn again.
"Dicks aside, I have to say that if some magic can do this, it must not all be that bad." Not-Kurt said. Blaine had to agree, if only because otherwise he would become Uther and nobody wanted to be Uther. "Also, we're apparently part of a group of friends who distance and differences can't keep apart. That's awesome."
"Weren't there four of them?" Finn asked.
"I thought you didn't know the series." Blaine replied immediately. Finn shot him a look.
"I saw the movie. The, uh, second one. But only half of it." Blaine decided to be nice and let Finn get away with that.
"Yes, there are four of them. And I think our fourth is in that dumpster." Blaine rounded the car as he spoke, turning back to Kurt's (assumed) prison, and Finn tossed his old shirt at not-Kurt before coming back over to Blaine's side. Not-Kurt skipped over to grab Finn's shirt, sniffed it a little, made a face (which may be his sexy face, Blaine couldn't be sure) and minced back over to the dumpster.
Everyone held their breath -- due to the smell in not-Kurt's case -- as two hands wrapped in Finn's shirt fumbled with something beneath the lid before pushing it up with a great groan of the dumpster lid. Not-Kurt leaned over, peering into the darkness while his surprisingly strong arms held the lid up. "Anyone in there?"
There was a long pause while Blaine's heart sank, until a tentative voice replied, "Not more of you."
Blaine looked to Finn, grinning. It was Kurt.
***
Kurt managed to climb out the dumpster on his own, avoiding not-Kurt entirely without a single word of warning from Blaine. He hit the ground with unsteady feet, hands coming up to wipe at streaming, squinting eyes. Between that and the smudges on his face Kurt shouldn't have looked as beautiful as he did to Blaine right at that moment.
"Other-me, you look like garbage." Not-Kurt snarked. Kurt tried to glare at his doppelganger, but the whole blinded-by-the-light thing meant he was glaring at the flagpole instead. Blaine sighed. This wasn't going to be pretty.
"Side effect of dumpster diving." Kurt snapped. "Now what do you want? More ridiculous plans to get Blaine into this crazy world?"
"I don't want him into this world." Not-Kurt assured before Blaine could step in and let Kurt know that it was a little too late for that. "I do want him in me, but who doesn't want that?"
Kurt turned very red, while Finn slowly raised his hand, lowered it, then raised it again. When Blaine looked at him, Finn waved his hands anxiously. "I don't want it, but I wasn't sure what agreeing meant."
Kurt turned very pale. "God not him again. I'm tired of getting hit on by stepbrother! My life is not a Greek myth, thankyouverymuch."
"That's not the Finn you're thinking of." Blaine said in his best Obi-Wan voice. Kurt froze.
"B-blaine?" Kurt took an unsteady step in the direction of Blaine, raising a hand above his eyes so he could peer at Blaine. "Is that really you? My Blaine?"
Blaine's chest got the warm fuzzies at the possessive mine, like watching puppies cuddle kittens under rainbows while Squirtle tearfully proclaimed that he was so happy he had come out. Kinda gay and utterly wonderful. "Yeah, it's me. Me and Finn came to save you."
They smiled at each other softly.
"Well it's about time," Kurt said, smile vanishing. Blaine gaped. "Do you have any idea what kind of misery I've been through Blaine Warbler?"
Blaine looked to not-Kurt, whose eyebrows had creeped up his forehead like hybrids of a sidewinder and a caterpillar. Finn was starring in Return of The Sad Face. "Wow man, that's kinda mean. Blaine's been through shit too."
Kurt shut his eyes and sighed. "Sorry. I guess spending three hours in a dumpster isn't an upper." He blinked a few more times, then added, "I'm only just starting to see again, which is goooomg what are you wearing." Kurt raised a hand to his mouth, eyes shuttling between Blaine's legs and Finn's chest.
"All my work," not-Kurt sang as he pranced over, sliding an arm around Blaine's bare waist, fingers dipping into the too-tight waistband. Kurt's face got even more stiff in shock and Finn tugged self-consciously at the bondage shirt.
Blaine giggled, trying to squirm away. "Stop that, it tickles." He coughed, and added. "Also, I thought we established a no-touching rule."
"I'm trying to entice the other-me into a threesome." Not-Kurt explained, wiggling his free hand suggestively at Kurt, who looked simply horrified. Finn moved to reassure his step-brother.
"Don't worry, I've been with them the entire time, nothing's happened." Finn glanced upwards thoughtfully then grinned awkwardly. "Well, some kissing and stuff, but like, Blaine wasn't trying to cheat on you."
"Not trying?"
"Well like, it just happened--"
"Please shut up Finn." Blaine snapped, stepping firmly away from not-Kurt. "Kurt, nothing's happened. Your parallel self just happens to be incredibly promiscuous and not conscious of boundaries."
"He only speaks the truth." Not-Kurt half-sang, twirling on the spot.
"Chamma chamma," Blaine replied, before beckoning at Kurt. "C'mon, I swear nothing happened. I would never do that to you, I love you. Now come out of the Other-trap, please?"
Kurt noticed the swirling lines beneath him and speed-walked over to Blaine's side, gaze hesitant. "Thank you," Kurt said quietly, reaching out to grab Blaine's hand. Blaine's heart skipped a beat and he leaned in for a kiss, and it was the first one of this whole adventure that felt right.
Until Kurt pulled back and made a face of interest, licking his lips in a way that made Blaine go hello! "You taste like cherry lipgloss. Trying something new?" The fact that Kurt was genuinely posing this question was a little weird, but Blaine knew Kurt appreciated living outside of boxes.
"Not-Brittany just wanted some of this ..." Blaine made a face. Kurt made one back.
"She was getting up on my man?" Kurt seemed beyond pissed. "That is it. I wake up in a bondage-themed sex cave, get felt up by Finn's clumsy paws and have to hike to school, see Artie walking and know I'm in some sort of alternate universe. Then I hide in a dumpster and some evil cheerleaders -- redundant, I know -- keep me trapped there. Now I find out one of them also got her hands on my boyfriend, and that the alternate version of myself is apparently a million times more sexy and appealing than me --" Kurt stopped to take a deep breath. "That's it. I want my dad's flamethrower and I want it now."
"Dad is dead though," not-Kurt pointed out, less than tactfully. "I don't think that's the sort of thing mom keeps around anyways."
"Dad is --" Kurt stopped, eyes closing briefly before he rallied himself together. "But mom is alive. That's ..."
"Bittersweet?" Offered Finn, and Kurt smiled sadly.
"Touching moments later." Not-Kurt declared. "C'mon, less sexy and appealing version of me. You and your stupidly loyal boyfriend and brother all need to get to a portal and get home. You're cramping my style."
"Oh god." Kurt sniffed. "You're so two thousand and late."
Not-Kurt looked deeply offended. "Why you --"
Blaine, who had been rather blown away by watching Kurt get riled up, now snickered. "Big girls don't cry, not-Kurt." Not-Kurt looked even more deeply offended (a subtle but noticeable difference) and a little hurt, and Blaine felt a stab of guilt.
"Wow! Imagine if this was like, inception, and this was all a dream ..." Finn said, pinching himself. Everyone stared at him. He blinked. "You know. Inception you gotta brother dreamin dreamin -- what, seriously? Best line ever."
"I'm afraid of how your mind works," Blaine said. "All that aside, not-Kurt is right, let's get out of here and back to the Hummel home."
"Please." Kurt said. "This place is full of nothing but creepy evil lookalikes, like a twin convention gone horribly wrong. I can't stand it."
"We're not evil!" Not-Kurt said, but didn't follow it up with okay, a little bit like he had with Blaine. Had that just been his way of flirting? All signs pointed to yes, and Blaine felt even guiltier for all the times he had labelled not-Kurt as evil. Really, after all this time together, Blaine had to admit that he really wasn't: sure in some ways he was nastier than Kurt, but Kurt was nastier than not-Kurt in other ways. The point of being parallel is that there is equivalent exchange, and Blaine had wrongly assumed that meant good vs evil.
"I just had an epiphany," Blaine announced. Luckily it hadn't hurt him like it had hurt Angel. "They're not evil. Don't get me wrong, they're jerks. But they're not evil."
"Hey man," Finn said nervously. "Quoting without sources is plagiarism." Blaine ignored him, though he was happy that at least one teacher had gotten a point through Finn's thick skull.
"Alright." Kurt stared at Blaine. "If you say so."
"My hero," not-Kurt said with a flutter of his lashes. "Now, to my fabulous car."
"What, no TARDIS?" Kurt sneered. Blaine felt his heart flutter, and not in that soon to be starring on In A Heartbeat way. He really did have the best boyfriend ever.
next chapter
summary: blaine believed. blaine believed so much that he didn't doubt for a second that this guy making out with him was not his boyfriend. why can't doppelgangers just stay in their parallel universes?
rating: T
pairing: klaine; altverse kinn & blina
genre: borderline crack
warnings: n/a
notes: written for a prompt over the kurt_blaine prompt meme -- also completely wacky, so please be warned. ugh sorry wow, like my last disappearance wasn't bad enough -- eugh. luckily the story is drawing to a close.
first chapter | previous chapter
They ninja-parked on the edge of the lot, quietly exiting and creeping along behind cars. Trying to sneak attack someone with Finn proved difficult, as he was a giant tree on legs, so not-Kurt tripped him so he fell on all fours then climbed on top of his back with a quiet yee-haw. Finn blinked but kept moving, making soft whinnying noises and confirming every suspicion Blaine had that Finn's seemingly dull sex life was just a cover for a unique fetish.
When they reached the final car before the dumpster, Blaine peeked over the hood and saw that not-Brittany and -Quinn were nowhere to be seen. The swirly lines of the Other-Trap were still there though -- Principal Sue would throw a fit -- so Blaine waved at not-Kurt to go check the dumpster.
With an aggravated sigh, not-Kurt climbed off Finn and made a show of bow-leggedly moseying over to the dumpster, like every dirty fantasy about Kurt roleplaying Dean Blaine had ever had. (Blaine had once turned an unattractive shade of red when he heard Kurt coo over an Impala currently Burt's shop, that's for sure. When they were married, Blaine would buy him one and they could have sex in the backseat. Hopefully Kurt would be more sexually adventurous by that point.)
"Hell-ooo?" Not-Kurt glanced around. "Brainttany, Darkness Falls, you 'round?"
Only silence followed.
"Alright, can you get the dumpster open?" Blaine asked as he straightened, and Finn rocked back so he was kneeling. Which would've been kinda hot if Finn didn't manage to be head-level with his ribs due to his freakish height. Blaine, after all, wasn't all that short.
"Can and will are two very different words baby." Not-Kurt eyed the dumpster. "I am so not touching that."
"That's what she said." Finn snickered from where he was still kneeling.
"Your sex life is pathetic," not-Kurt called back, and Finn made a sad puppy face. Blaine, being the nice guy he was, pet Finn's hair a little to cheer him up. Finn shot him a weirded-out look but didn't move away. "Hey, that's not an excuse to get touchy-feely with Blaine! If anyone's landing some stroking, it'll be me." Not-Kurt shouted.
Blaine sent a quick prayer to Castiel that Kurt really couldn't hear through those dumpster walls.
"All inappropriate touching aside ... use this." Blaine had held onto the shirt, well aware from countless adventure-puzzle games (everything from Nancy Drew to Flight of the Amazon Queen) that you should hang onto every item, however useless or unwieldy you find it. Now he tossed it over to not-Kurt, and being a shirt it sorta flopped to the ground half-way there. Not-Kurt shot him a look and retrieved it, but didn't use it.
"I can't." Not-Kurt made his own sad puppy face. "This shirt smells like you, and once you go it'll be all I have left."
"Okay." It wasn't the weirdest thing Blaine had heard in his years of being quite attractive. "Finn, take off your shirt." Not-Kurt made a noise of agreement.
Finn crossed his arms over his chest. "You'll make fun of my nipples." That was quite possibly the weirdest thing Blaine had ever heard ever.
"We don't have anything else." Kurt would kill them if not-Kurt used the silk shirt he was wearing to pop the dumpster open.
"I have an idea," not-Kurt chirped, raising a hand. "Finn, you can wear this shirt --" not-Kurt waved the bondage shirt cheerily "-- and I can use that rag you're wearing right now." Not-Kurt tossed the shirt, and once again it meekly hit the ground half-way there.
"Okay ..?" Finn rose to his feet and clunked over to it, picking it up and holding it up against his chest. Blaine bit back a giggle, and not-Kurt's eyes were practically helping Finn strip. "Um, no offence or anything, but Kurt's skinny and Blaine is really short. I don't think this will fit a Finn-sized package."
"Well I don't want you to wear it down there --" not-Kurt stopped. "Oh, I get it. But no, trust me. Haven't you read The Sisterhood?" Finn shook his head a little too fast while Blaine nodded.
"Another constant I approve of," Blaine said. "And I agree, stranger things have happened. Give it a try, if it doesn't work at least we'll have a funny story to tell next time we're drunk." Everyone needed a series of embarrassing but frank tales to tell while three sheets to the wind.
"Fine." Finn turned around. "Nobody peek." Not-Kurt huffed dramatically and collapsed to the ground, hands over his eyes and wearing a pout that could be seen from space. Blaine politely turned around, a little disappointed to see that he was on the wrong side of the car to get a reflection of Finn changing.
"Fuck," Finn swore loudly. This was followed by clanging buckles, a slight ripping noise and the sound of a zipper slowly being jerked up. Blaine tapped his foot, bored, then glanced at not-Kurt to make sure he was still averting his gaze. He, in fact, was, and Blaine realized with a wince that he'd nearly been more pervy than the guy who defined Inappropriate.
"Okay, done."
Blaine spun around and not-Kurt popped to his feet faster than a zombie that had just spotted its first meal. Finn was standing there, and -- well, hello. Apparently The Sisterhood was more than a heartwarming tale about the bonds that bind us, and instead a guide to the oddest of sorceries. The shirt fit Finn. Admittedly, it was a little on the tight side and the straps that had hung in a gentle arc on Blaine were now taut, but it didn't look like someone had stuffed a fistful of play-do into a garlic press.
"I feel a song coming on." Not-Kurt said breathily, fanning himself. "And by song, I mean erection. And by erection, I mean, are you sure you're straight big boy?"
"Pretty sure." Finn said with a shrug. He had lovely, lovely, lovely shoulders. "Uh, Blaine? You're not about to pop a -- song, are you?"
"Like Woody's Round-Up?" Blaine replied absently, until his brain caught back up with itself. "Oh wow, that was so so wrong. I'm sorry. I swear I only watched that movie to research haunted toys, I marathoned it with Chucky while reading the Living Dummy trilogy."
"Whatever you say." Not-Kurt grinned. "I, personally, was massively attracted to Woody and Buzz. Sometimes -- no, often together."
"You would be sexually attracted to a potted plant if someone drew a dick on it." Blaine muttered. Both not-Kurt and Finn sniggered, and then not-Kurt looked to Finn again.
"Dicks aside, I have to say that if some magic can do this, it must not all be that bad." Not-Kurt said. Blaine had to agree, if only because otherwise he would become Uther and nobody wanted to be Uther. "Also, we're apparently part of a group of friends who distance and differences can't keep apart. That's awesome."
"Weren't there four of them?" Finn asked.
"I thought you didn't know the series." Blaine replied immediately. Finn shot him a look.
"I saw the movie. The, uh, second one. But only half of it." Blaine decided to be nice and let Finn get away with that.
"Yes, there are four of them. And I think our fourth is in that dumpster." Blaine rounded the car as he spoke, turning back to Kurt's (assumed) prison, and Finn tossed his old shirt at not-Kurt before coming back over to Blaine's side. Not-Kurt skipped over to grab Finn's shirt, sniffed it a little, made a face (which may be his sexy face, Blaine couldn't be sure) and minced back over to the dumpster.
Everyone held their breath -- due to the smell in not-Kurt's case -- as two hands wrapped in Finn's shirt fumbled with something beneath the lid before pushing it up with a great groan of the dumpster lid. Not-Kurt leaned over, peering into the darkness while his surprisingly strong arms held the lid up. "Anyone in there?"
There was a long pause while Blaine's heart sank, until a tentative voice replied, "Not more of you."
Blaine looked to Finn, grinning. It was Kurt.
***
Kurt managed to climb out the dumpster on his own, avoiding not-Kurt entirely without a single word of warning from Blaine. He hit the ground with unsteady feet, hands coming up to wipe at streaming, squinting eyes. Between that and the smudges on his face Kurt shouldn't have looked as beautiful as he did to Blaine right at that moment.
"Other-me, you look like garbage." Not-Kurt snarked. Kurt tried to glare at his doppelganger, but the whole blinded-by-the-light thing meant he was glaring at the flagpole instead. Blaine sighed. This wasn't going to be pretty.
"Side effect of dumpster diving." Kurt snapped. "Now what do you want? More ridiculous plans to get Blaine into this crazy world?"
"I don't want him into this world." Not-Kurt assured before Blaine could step in and let Kurt know that it was a little too late for that. "I do want him in me, but who doesn't want that?"
Kurt turned very red, while Finn slowly raised his hand, lowered it, then raised it again. When Blaine looked at him, Finn waved his hands anxiously. "I don't want it, but I wasn't sure what agreeing meant."
Kurt turned very pale. "God not him again. I'm tired of getting hit on by stepbrother! My life is not a Greek myth, thankyouverymuch."
"That's not the Finn you're thinking of." Blaine said in his best Obi-Wan voice. Kurt froze.
"B-blaine?" Kurt took an unsteady step in the direction of Blaine, raising a hand above his eyes so he could peer at Blaine. "Is that really you? My Blaine?"
Blaine's chest got the warm fuzzies at the possessive mine, like watching puppies cuddle kittens under rainbows while Squirtle tearfully proclaimed that he was so happy he had come out. Kinda gay and utterly wonderful. "Yeah, it's me. Me and Finn came to save you."
They smiled at each other softly.
"Well it's about time," Kurt said, smile vanishing. Blaine gaped. "Do you have any idea what kind of misery I've been through Blaine Warbler?"
Blaine looked to not-Kurt, whose eyebrows had creeped up his forehead like hybrids of a sidewinder and a caterpillar. Finn was starring in Return of The Sad Face. "Wow man, that's kinda mean. Blaine's been through shit too."
Kurt shut his eyes and sighed. "Sorry. I guess spending three hours in a dumpster isn't an upper." He blinked a few more times, then added, "I'm only just starting to see again, which is goooomg what are you wearing." Kurt raised a hand to his mouth, eyes shuttling between Blaine's legs and Finn's chest.
"All my work," not-Kurt sang as he pranced over, sliding an arm around Blaine's bare waist, fingers dipping into the too-tight waistband. Kurt's face got even more stiff in shock and Finn tugged self-consciously at the bondage shirt.
Blaine giggled, trying to squirm away. "Stop that, it tickles." He coughed, and added. "Also, I thought we established a no-touching rule."
"I'm trying to entice the other-me into a threesome." Not-Kurt explained, wiggling his free hand suggestively at Kurt, who looked simply horrified. Finn moved to reassure his step-brother.
"Don't worry, I've been with them the entire time, nothing's happened." Finn glanced upwards thoughtfully then grinned awkwardly. "Well, some kissing and stuff, but like, Blaine wasn't trying to cheat on you."
"Not trying?"
"Well like, it just happened--"
"Please shut up Finn." Blaine snapped, stepping firmly away from not-Kurt. "Kurt, nothing's happened. Your parallel self just happens to be incredibly promiscuous and not conscious of boundaries."
"He only speaks the truth." Not-Kurt half-sang, twirling on the spot.
"Chamma chamma," Blaine replied, before beckoning at Kurt. "C'mon, I swear nothing happened. I would never do that to you, I love you. Now come out of the Other-trap, please?"
Kurt noticed the swirling lines beneath him and speed-walked over to Blaine's side, gaze hesitant. "Thank you," Kurt said quietly, reaching out to grab Blaine's hand. Blaine's heart skipped a beat and he leaned in for a kiss, and it was the first one of this whole adventure that felt right.
Until Kurt pulled back and made a face of interest, licking his lips in a way that made Blaine go hello! "You taste like cherry lipgloss. Trying something new?" The fact that Kurt was genuinely posing this question was a little weird, but Blaine knew Kurt appreciated living outside of boxes.
"Not-Brittany just wanted some of this ..." Blaine made a face. Kurt made one back.
"She was getting up on my man?" Kurt seemed beyond pissed. "That is it. I wake up in a bondage-themed sex cave, get felt up by Finn's clumsy paws and have to hike to school, see Artie walking and know I'm in some sort of alternate universe. Then I hide in a dumpster and some evil cheerleaders -- redundant, I know -- keep me trapped there. Now I find out one of them also got her hands on my boyfriend, and that the alternate version of myself is apparently a million times more sexy and appealing than me --" Kurt stopped to take a deep breath. "That's it. I want my dad's flamethrower and I want it now."
"Dad is dead though," not-Kurt pointed out, less than tactfully. "I don't think that's the sort of thing mom keeps around anyways."
"Dad is --" Kurt stopped, eyes closing briefly before he rallied himself together. "But mom is alive. That's ..."
"Bittersweet?" Offered Finn, and Kurt smiled sadly.
"Touching moments later." Not-Kurt declared. "C'mon, less sexy and appealing version of me. You and your stupidly loyal boyfriend and brother all need to get to a portal and get home. You're cramping my style."
"Oh god." Kurt sniffed. "You're so two thousand and late."
Not-Kurt looked deeply offended. "Why you --"
Blaine, who had been rather blown away by watching Kurt get riled up, now snickered. "Big girls don't cry, not-Kurt." Not-Kurt looked even more deeply offended (a subtle but noticeable difference) and a little hurt, and Blaine felt a stab of guilt.
"Wow! Imagine if this was like, inception, and this was all a dream ..." Finn said, pinching himself. Everyone stared at him. He blinked. "You know. Inception you gotta brother dreamin dreamin -- what, seriously? Best line ever."
"I'm afraid of how your mind works," Blaine said. "All that aside, not-Kurt is right, let's get out of here and back to the Hummel home."
"Please." Kurt said. "This place is full of nothing but creepy evil lookalikes, like a twin convention gone horribly wrong. I can't stand it."
"We're not evil!" Not-Kurt said, but didn't follow it up with okay, a little bit like he had with Blaine. Had that just been his way of flirting? All signs pointed to yes, and Blaine felt even guiltier for all the times he had labelled not-Kurt as evil. Really, after all this time together, Blaine had to admit that he really wasn't: sure in some ways he was nastier than Kurt, but Kurt was nastier than not-Kurt in other ways. The point of being parallel is that there is equivalent exchange, and Blaine had wrongly assumed that meant good vs evil.
"I just had an epiphany," Blaine announced. Luckily it hadn't hurt him like it had hurt Angel. "They're not evil. Don't get me wrong, they're jerks. But they're not evil."
"Hey man," Finn said nervously. "Quoting without sources is plagiarism." Blaine ignored him, though he was happy that at least one teacher had gotten a point through Finn's thick skull.
"Alright." Kurt stared at Blaine. "If you say so."
"My hero," not-Kurt said with a flutter of his lashes. "Now, to my fabulous car."
"What, no TARDIS?" Kurt sneered. Blaine felt his heart flutter, and not in that soon to be starring on In A Heartbeat way. He really did have the best boyfriend ever.
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