Fic: As We Are Wont, 12
Severus,
When I returned to Hogwarts-- I took the train. For some reason I thought it would be better that way, that I could face the years of memories without regret. The day I left I promised I would come back to visit, but I never managed it. Time, war, the moon, betrayal. It seemed appropriate that the day I returned, there would be dementors, and Sirius. I don't know why I thought remembering would be any easier with a train. Sentimentality, I suppose. You wouldn't make such a mistake.
You wrote that the castle is a fortress. When I first arrived I had only seen freedom. A naive sense of escape, the chance to pass as human. There are days when I wonder what you saw in the lights and towers, whether it terrified you or held out a promise. For my part, I think it was both. Perhaps this is true of all students, pure or muggleborn.
But a castle, and a fortress. To protect from without-- that is its purpose. Sometimes I see the Founders' intent written into the walls, the awkward way that muggle technology trickles in as pipes between the seams. We have fires, Severus, and torches, yet someone decided indoor plumbing must be installed. Phineas? Albus and a few well placed nudges? I don't know why everyone presumes to write brilliant muggles into wizarding history. Power makes us lazy. Creation-- invention is necessity for those without.
I have no answers. I don't think you were looking for one. It's your habit to ask impossible questions, some sort of perverse streak in you. You said that you know me. Knowing and the sores in my mouth. I remember there was a man who came to me. Paid me, put his fingers in my mouth and felt the cankers under my tongue. I couldn't breathe. This man swore, asked me how many men pay to rape my mouth, and told me to drink. It was vile. I fell asleep, covered in blankets. I don't know how to describe the way I felt, waking.
There was another man who came to me. He curled his hand around my waist and took me from behind and whispered obscenities in my ear. Pretend that you love me, pretend that you're human, pretend we are nothing, pretend we will never die.
There is a point when pretending, and acting, and lying, and stealing, become being. I began as a thief to steal for survival. I'll tell you that if you tell the same lie enough times it becomes the truth. That was why I would have joined Voldemort. Sirius was right. You know this. But he didn't understand. It's as you say. You see them as two sides warring against each other, one cannot live while the other survives. I see them as the same. Different, but the same. I will not betray the light because one cannot betray light, and one cannot betray darkness. The moon is my consolation-- how can we say that she is fickle when travelers take comfort in her fullness? I love you because you are like the moon to me. Destroyer and restorer, rapist and avenger. You'll kill me and kiss me in the same movement-- you're Judas who'll take thirty sickles for my services.
When I returned to Hogwarts to take a cursed position, I knew Sirius would come back to me. I knew you would somehow be mixed in with us again. I knew the past would be resurrected and the traitors reunited, though I never suspected the extent. I admire Peter. Coward though he is, he's secured his place in history and I think, as boy, that's all he'd ever wanted. Only a rat could live so long, and live to be a nuisance. His silver hand-- I think he'd like to kill me. For all the sweet nothings I whispered in his ear. For being untrue, and unfaithful. For having been used by Sirius, James, Albus, the Dark Lord, and most of all-- you.
I can only give you more enemies. Peter always loved my wolf form. Of the four of us, he and I got along best. Peter is clever, and survives. I understood that.
Yours,
RJ Lupin