Optimist: person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness
I've always felt like every paper I've ever turned in has hoped that my writing ability would sufficiently wow the reader away from realizing that I don't say anything of particular value within the paper. I recently got back my 115B paper back with an A-. Paper clipped on top were the GSI's comments. Nothing particularly new, "you really write beautifully and I was frequently struck by your clever and engaging turns of phrase." This is the same sort of thing I've been hearing since high school. However, the prick in me asked "why the A- then"? Reading through the professor's supplemental comments, I was given a humbling dose of reality: "Generally speaking: you have some very original and important insights, but you seem to lose interest in developing them once you've articulated them."
The truth is, when I'm scrambling to write a paper the morning it's due, I don't have time to perfect ideas because stopping once I've gotten started just leaves me stuck trying to articulate each idea as completely and beautifully as I can, effectively barring me from finishing on time.
Recently, Professor Picciotto had accompanied me to PAD's student-professor dinner. The dinner had made me feel much more comfortable around her, so I confronted her and asked how she could give my paper an A if I never developed any of my ideas. Moreover, I told her how I felt like I'd "tricked" my professors with my writing style as long as I could remember. She told me "You're not tricking anyone, you write really well. You need to accept that." She went on to tell me that the reason I got an A was because even with my lack of development, I still managed a cohesive and original paper that was engaging to read.
[Why do I mention this story if not to pat myself on my back?]
I am afraid that I am losing myself in place of what I think will get me ahead. I feel like I've been on this stage for so long that the difference between Angel the person and Angel the future lawyer is becoming indistinguishable. What's worse, I often find myself questioning whether my interests are really mine or if they're just something I've trained myself to enjoy because I think I should.
I'm sure this won't be the last time that my focus on achievement will lead me to feel like a hollowed-out impostor, but I hope that my professor's words of encouragement will serve as some sort of reminder that I am more than just a successful actor.
The truth is, when I'm scrambling to write a paper the morning it's due, I don't have time to perfect ideas because stopping once I've gotten started just leaves me stuck trying to articulate each idea as completely and beautifully as I can, effectively barring me from finishing on time.
Recently, Professor Picciotto had accompanied me to PAD's student-professor dinner. The dinner had made me feel much more comfortable around her, so I confronted her and asked how she could give my paper an A if I never developed any of my ideas. Moreover, I told her how I felt like I'd "tricked" my professors with my writing style as long as I could remember. She told me "You're not tricking anyone, you write really well. You need to accept that." She went on to tell me that the reason I got an A was because even with my lack of development, I still managed a cohesive and original paper that was engaging to read.
[Why do I mention this story if not to pat myself on my back?]
I am afraid that I am losing myself in place of what I think will get me ahead. I feel like I've been on this stage for so long that the difference between Angel the person and Angel the future lawyer is becoming indistinguishable. What's worse, I often find myself questioning whether my interests are really mine or if they're just something I've trained myself to enjoy because I think I should.
I'm sure this won't be the last time that my focus on achievement will lead me to feel like a hollowed-out impostor, but I hope that my professor's words of encouragement will serve as some sort of reminder that I am more than just a successful actor.