049. important /;
so yesturday started off good... but ended horribly. i'll start from thursday though.
THURSDAY;
after school i went with ERICATEVES & Sarah to the swansea mall. sarah needed jeans and was getting her haircut and yeah. we had fun there. erica nutbrown came and so did fred. we all chilled. later on we went and got vicky went to kennedy park saw the air force land on the other side of the park ( it was really just a helicopter but yeah insider ) and they were getting a kitty out of a tree ( they really werent but i said every type of rescue unit shows up when theres a kitty stuck in a tree even the damn air force comes! )we slept at my house.. it was amazing AHEM lol x; me and sarah took crazy pictures of vicky and ericateves sleeping it was great moving on though
FRIDAY;
got up went to sarahs to eat then went to vickys had fun there. me and vicky went to the harbor mall hung out with some amazing people that i miss like MELISSA BRADY! at like 5 we left there and went to swansea.. saw everyone there. I DROVE FREDS CAR! AND I WAS GOOD AT IT! my first turn i was going a little fast and i had to step on the break kind of fast lol but then i was perfectly okay it was way easy and i <3 fred for letting me do that. oh yeah and he rubbed his bare ass on my moms car window... because i was kind of mad at all of them. i got over it when sasha made the cutest face ever lol and fred was making me laugh [; but thank god i didnt see his ass lol. fast forward to when i tell my mom about wearing a suit. SHE FLIPPED OUT.... flipped out and started going off on how i change who i am blah blah blah. everything is kind of a blurr. i was crying so hard its hard to remember what she said and what i said ( VICKY AND ERICA WERE IN MY BACKSEAT MIND YOU ) somehow i got grounded.. ( for wanting to express myself in a different way than some other people ) and she says i fall into peer pressure. everytime something has to do with my sexuality she always blames it on peer pressure. when we got to sashas she said i wasn't going i called her a bitch she slapped me in the face three times and then was holding onto my hoodie CHOKING ME. i couldnt breathe so i opened my door and i was SCREAMING let go of me while i was crying hysterically.. she let me go and i closed the door ( im not that stupid to get out of the car obviously she thought i was ) i told my mom sometimes she makes me want to kill myself.. cuz she really does. when my own mother can't accept me. she wonders why i never came out to her. i told her i am 15 years old i don't know exactly who i am yet. she says i was lying to her about my sexuality.. I NEVER ONCE LIED. SHE KNEW I LIKED GIRLS I TOLD HER I DID. i just recently came out to myself that i'm a lesbian and my moms saying i was lying to her. i told her i was a lesbian but i feel like i just said it to please her. watching erica and vicky leave the car after my mom hit and choked me was one of the saddest things ever. i just started crying more. my mom said everythings my fault. that im in denial about myself. YEAH OKAY THATS WHY IM COMPLETELY OPEN WITH EVERYONE. i dont want to be with her and thats normal. a lot of gay teenagers are afraid to be open with their parents. i just can't believe all this happened because of what i want to wear...i never thought my mom could be so shallow i guess i was wrong. i really honestly feel like a big part of me hates her. i love her cuz shes my mom but boy do i hate her. i told her everything she does that makes me feel unloved and uncared for by her.. and you know what she did. SHE YELLED AT ME. first she yells at me for not talking to her then when i do.. she yells even more. finally i just kept saying okay okay okay to everything and she went away. i cried to erica for the longest time and i cried even more hearing everyone at sashas..i should have been there I NEEDED TO BE THERE! it was the worst night of my entire life.. i have never ever cried like that for that long.. i even woke up this morning and i was just sitting there and i started crying thinking about it. my dad came and got me early this morning i told him everything he said i could go out today and he said during the week i can either go out or stay at his house until nine. without my friends and my dad.. i really think i would have killed myself by now. they are the only things that keep me going from day to day. finally some of my friends realized how shitty my mom really treats me and now you guys know why sometimes i'm just depressed and sometimes i just cry. but thank you everyone.. thank you so much for just being my friends. and to my dad thank you for being my hero.. your the only stabilty i have and i don't know where i'd be without you. i love you all ♥
i guess i'm better today. i still feel like crying. this almost reminds me of keeping you a secret. when hollands mom flips out and hits her and kicks her out because shes gay. i tihnk im going to sashas tonight. i hope my eyes get less swollen i look really funny lol but atleast i can find humor in it. i dont really have anything else to say so yeah
THURSDAY;
after school i went with ERICATEVES & Sarah to the swansea mall. sarah needed jeans and was getting her haircut and yeah. we had fun there. erica nutbrown came and so did fred. we all chilled. later on we went and got vicky went to kennedy park saw the air force land on the other side of the park ( it was really just a helicopter but yeah insider ) and they were getting a kitty out of a tree ( they really werent but i said every type of rescue unit shows up when theres a kitty stuck in a tree even the damn air force comes! )we slept at my house.. it was amazing AHEM lol x; me and sarah took crazy pictures of vicky and ericateves sleeping it was great moving on though
FRIDAY;
got up went to sarahs to eat then went to vickys had fun there. me and vicky went to the harbor mall hung out with some amazing people that i miss like MELISSA BRADY! at like 5 we left there and went to swansea.. saw everyone there. I DROVE FREDS CAR! AND I WAS GOOD AT IT! my first turn i was going a little fast and i had to step on the break kind of fast lol but then i was perfectly okay it was way easy and i <3 fred for letting me do that. oh yeah and he rubbed his bare ass on my moms car window... because i was kind of mad at all of them. i got over it when sasha made the cutest face ever lol and fred was making me laugh [; but thank god i didnt see his ass lol. fast forward to when i tell my mom about wearing a suit. SHE FLIPPED OUT.... flipped out and started going off on how i change who i am blah blah blah. everything is kind of a blurr. i was crying so hard its hard to remember what she said and what i said ( VICKY AND ERICA WERE IN MY BACKSEAT MIND YOU ) somehow i got grounded.. ( for wanting to express myself in a different way than some other people ) and she says i fall into peer pressure. everytime something has to do with my sexuality she always blames it on peer pressure. when we got to sashas she said i wasn't going i called her a bitch she slapped me in the face three times and then was holding onto my hoodie CHOKING ME. i couldnt breathe so i opened my door and i was SCREAMING let go of me while i was crying hysterically.. she let me go and i closed the door ( im not that stupid to get out of the car obviously she thought i was ) i told my mom sometimes she makes me want to kill myself.. cuz she really does. when my own mother can't accept me. she wonders why i never came out to her. i told her i am 15 years old i don't know exactly who i am yet. she says i was lying to her about my sexuality.. I NEVER ONCE LIED. SHE KNEW I LIKED GIRLS I TOLD HER I DID. i just recently came out to myself that i'm a lesbian and my moms saying i was lying to her. i told her i was a lesbian but i feel like i just said it to please her. watching erica and vicky leave the car after my mom hit and choked me was one of the saddest things ever. i just started crying more. my mom said everythings my fault. that im in denial about myself. YEAH OKAY THATS WHY IM COMPLETELY OPEN WITH EVERYONE. i dont want to be with her and thats normal. a lot of gay teenagers are afraid to be open with their parents. i just can't believe all this happened because of what i want to wear...i never thought my mom could be so shallow i guess i was wrong. i really honestly feel like a big part of me hates her. i love her cuz shes my mom but boy do i hate her. i told her everything she does that makes me feel unloved and uncared for by her.. and you know what she did. SHE YELLED AT ME. first she yells at me for not talking to her then when i do.. she yells even more. finally i just kept saying okay okay okay to everything and she went away. i cried to erica for the longest time and i cried even more hearing everyone at sashas..i should have been there I NEEDED TO BE THERE! it was the worst night of my entire life.. i have never ever cried like that for that long.. i even woke up this morning and i was just sitting there and i started crying thinking about it. my dad came and got me early this morning i told him everything he said i could go out today and he said during the week i can either go out or stay at his house until nine. without my friends and my dad.. i really think i would have killed myself by now. they are the only things that keep me going from day to day. finally some of my friends realized how shitty my mom really treats me and now you guys know why sometimes i'm just depressed and sometimes i just cry. but thank you everyone.. thank you so much for just being my friends. and to my dad thank you for being my hero.. your the only stabilty i have and i don't know where i'd be without you. i love you all ♥
i guess i'm better today. i still feel like crying. this almost reminds me of keeping you a secret. when hollands mom flips out and hits her and kicks her out because shes gay. i tihnk im going to sashas tonight. i hope my eyes get less swollen i look really funny lol but atleast i can find humor in it. i dont really have anything else to say so yeah