Me again
Gah. Okies.. I've tried updating for the last few days, whenever I had the little chance to be online. But I think that blankish update page just turns me off.. So. Where to start?
Perhaps I'll start with my depression. Yeah, it kicked in. And I know it's not another down because of the fact I've been hiding it and repressing. And when I'm down, I show it, I very clearly show it. Then someone is bound to butt in and pull me out of it, and until that someone does it others at least leave me alone. But when I'm depressed, now that's another thing.. Then I hide it from others, and myself. Oki, lol, so we got the second one sorted out, eh?
Yeah, well, the reason I've admitted it to myself.. I don't know. I've been pondering too much. That's what got me here in the first place. I don't wish to ponder here as well, not right now at least. It's just that there's this huge hole in my life, emptiness.. See, as a teen of 16, soon 17, I do have some 'top priority' things in my life - those being school, family, friends. Not necessarily in that order, but those three things. They're what I'd call most important in everyone's life. There are also a dozen of other stuff, plus health which isn't always your doing, plus.. A lot of things. This is to say I'm not one of those empty-headed girls who just wanna catch as many guys as they can. But see, after all of that, there also comes a part of life called love (as in couple love), sex, romance.. And this is the hole. A huge one. It's been 7 months and 18 days since I was last with someone. And that was just two make-out sessions with a good friend (who doesn't have standards anyhow). And before that, I didn't have anyone for like 8 or 9 months. So if there weren't for those two evenings - which I don't always count because it was a friend and it wasn't anything even remotely romantic, just physical - you could say I've been alone for almost a year and half. And before that I had some irrelevant making out with a couple of guys who meant nothing much to me and I meant nothing to them.
I want someone. I need to bond. Not like I do with my friends. I want a relationship you have with your significant other. I want to have someone. I want someone to like me. I want to be in love. I want someone to be in love with me. I want a different kind of relationship and feelings than I have with all my male friends. I have tons of friends, acquaintances and peers. They all like me. I'm the 'nicest girl there is'. The problem is no one really sees me as a girl. All my male friends adore me, and I adore them, and with 99% of them I would *never* ever ever have anything. But that goes for the friends I already have (2 years or longer count). That doesn't mean I wouldn't like them too to like me. *Like* me. At least sometimes.. Other guys I meet, or know superficially, they all adore me and all - but I'm a pal. Never a potential gf. I don't want to be just friends with every goddamned guy I meet. I don't want them to see me that way. But it's so easy to say - change. Change something. Change the way you walk, talk, act, dress, change yourself and your personality... That ain't easy. And I'd lose myself in the process. I like my personality the way it is. I don't wanna change it. Others like it too, obviously, but my fem friends tell me that being overly-friendly is starting off on the wrong foot with guys. I can't help it. I can't change that. I'm just loud, noisy, (seemingly) happy, hyper, I always laugh and make others laugh.. It's just me. And it's what all the psychologists and even magazines say, right? Be yourself, be open, communicative, talkative, smile a lot - and it'll attract people. Well, it does, but never the way where they'd say "Oh gosh, I so wanna be with her" or "I wanna get to know her". I don't know what to do. And I need someone. I've been so lonely despite all the friends. And there's a shitload of friends who want to help, they just can't. They try to and give "advice", but yanno, it's easy to SAY something. Doing it is something totally else. I *know* what I should or shouldn't do, I'm not an idiot - but changing something is sometimes just *impossible*. Even when I try. It's like trying to fly. You know what you're *supposed* to do, and all, and you could try 'till the rest of your life, but without a plane you sure as hell WON'T learn how to fly. Yes, perhaps I'm going overboard, but that's how it is.
I don't think I've ever felt worse about myself. And I can't even change it. My self-confidence went to a minus. There's also a side twist to the whole story (like there always is) but I won't get into that right now.. No strength left to deal with *that* now, too.
And above all that, I've been neglecting my aly. Which is unforgivable. Absolutely awful. So I've been worried and guilty, and I just don't have a way to rectify it :(. Damn my comp and my internet and everything.. She's the one person that always stuck with me and I know always will be here for me, and I'm not here where she needs me. Dammit. Goddammit. I'm so sorry aly. Whenever you can talk to me, just say so and I'll be there, I promise!
Going now..
Perhaps I'll start with my depression. Yeah, it kicked in. And I know it's not another down because of the fact I've been hiding it and repressing. And when I'm down, I show it, I very clearly show it. Then someone is bound to butt in and pull me out of it, and until that someone does it others at least leave me alone. But when I'm depressed, now that's another thing.. Then I hide it from others, and myself. Oki, lol, so we got the second one sorted out, eh?
Yeah, well, the reason I've admitted it to myself.. I don't know. I've been pondering too much. That's what got me here in the first place. I don't wish to ponder here as well, not right now at least. It's just that there's this huge hole in my life, emptiness.. See, as a teen of 16, soon 17, I do have some 'top priority' things in my life - those being school, family, friends. Not necessarily in that order, but those three things. They're what I'd call most important in everyone's life. There are also a dozen of other stuff, plus health which isn't always your doing, plus.. A lot of things. This is to say I'm not one of those empty-headed girls who just wanna catch as many guys as they can. But see, after all of that, there also comes a part of life called love (as in couple love), sex, romance.. And this is the hole. A huge one. It's been 7 months and 18 days since I was last with someone. And that was just two make-out sessions with a good friend (who doesn't have standards anyhow). And before that, I didn't have anyone for like 8 or 9 months. So if there weren't for those two evenings - which I don't always count because it was a friend and it wasn't anything even remotely romantic, just physical - you could say I've been alone for almost a year and half. And before that I had some irrelevant making out with a couple of guys who meant nothing much to me and I meant nothing to them.
I want someone. I need to bond. Not like I do with my friends. I want a relationship you have with your significant other. I want to have someone. I want someone to like me. I want to be in love. I want someone to be in love with me. I want a different kind of relationship and feelings than I have with all my male friends. I have tons of friends, acquaintances and peers. They all like me. I'm the 'nicest girl there is'. The problem is no one really sees me as a girl. All my male friends adore me, and I adore them, and with 99% of them I would *never* ever ever have anything. But that goes for the friends I already have (2 years or longer count). That doesn't mean I wouldn't like them too to like me. *Like* me. At least sometimes.. Other guys I meet, or know superficially, they all adore me and all - but I'm a pal. Never a potential gf. I don't want to be just friends with every goddamned guy I meet. I don't want them to see me that way. But it's so easy to say - change. Change something. Change the way you walk, talk, act, dress, change yourself and your personality... That ain't easy. And I'd lose myself in the process. I like my personality the way it is. I don't wanna change it. Others like it too, obviously, but my fem friends tell me that being overly-friendly is starting off on the wrong foot with guys. I can't help it. I can't change that. I'm just loud, noisy, (seemingly) happy, hyper, I always laugh and make others laugh.. It's just me. And it's what all the psychologists and even magazines say, right? Be yourself, be open, communicative, talkative, smile a lot - and it'll attract people. Well, it does, but never the way where they'd say "Oh gosh, I so wanna be with her" or "I wanna get to know her". I don't know what to do. And I need someone. I've been so lonely despite all the friends. And there's a shitload of friends who want to help, they just can't. They try to and give "advice", but yanno, it's easy to SAY something. Doing it is something totally else. I *know* what I should or shouldn't do, I'm not an idiot - but changing something is sometimes just *impossible*. Even when I try. It's like trying to fly. You know what you're *supposed* to do, and all, and you could try 'till the rest of your life, but without a plane you sure as hell WON'T learn how to fly. Yes, perhaps I'm going overboard, but that's how it is.
I don't think I've ever felt worse about myself. And I can't even change it. My self-confidence went to a minus. There's also a side twist to the whole story (like there always is) but I won't get into that right now.. No strength left to deal with *that* now, too.
And above all that, I've been neglecting my aly. Which is unforgivable. Absolutely awful. So I've been worried and guilty, and I just don't have a way to rectify it :(. Damn my comp and my internet and everything.. She's the one person that always stuck with me and I know always will be here for me, and I'm not here where she needs me. Dammit. Goddammit. I'm so sorry aly. Whenever you can talk to me, just say so and I'll be there, I promise!
Going now..