OoC: Some Notes on Identity Issues
Because I think about this man way too much.
I have a habit of using Bourne and David interchangeably when talking about this character. That is not the case in this essay. The different names are important here.
David is, really, just a decent guy trying to get along in a world where he is officially missing and presumed dead. He is actually not prone to questioning himself all that much. David, is, above all, a practical person. He knows what he likes and what he doesn't like. He knows what he wants to do, and what he does not want to do. He has a pretty good idea of who he is and some idea of where he's going (that bit is subject to change, of course).
This, however, is about the things that cause him to question himself.
The problem is that at any point he is capable of essentially shutting his personality down and becoming purely "professional." It's not that he doesn't have emotions in this mode, it's that he keeps them largely within his control. And the more stress he's under, the greater the urge to do this is. (His fear of not being in control is fodder for a whole other essay.)
In other words, he is at any point able to become Jason Bourne.
Ever since he found out his real name*, "Jason Bourne" has ceased to be a convenient label for himself and has instead become the label for what he was turned into. Jason Bourne is the part of David that he does not want to be. But still can be. And knows that under some circumstances, he may want to be again.
Generally, David does just want to be himself. Which is kind of awkward, but genuine, and genuine is good. But in some circumstances, say when inserting himself into a dangerous situation along with the Corinthian, it's a relief just to be professional. It doesn't help that he knows that he's not really getting much of anywhere as himself, and he tends to actually be doing things in Bourne mode. It further does not help that in normal life he uses an assumed name and has a different persona around neighbors and such. David has a lot to differentiate David from. While he's usually fairly confident in who he is, it's a little intellectual, being himself is something he has to work at.
But the worst complication is, of course, the amnesia. The truth is that most of what he's remembered of his life from before he first got amnesia is his life as Jason Bourne. He still has very little memory of who David Webb was before, and most of those memories relate to how he became Jason Bourne.
When Eris struck a nerve by calling David "Mr. Bourne," he clung to repeating a few basic facts about himself. These may have seemed a little detached, like...someone reading off another person's file. This is because a lot of what he knows about himself is based in files and similar bits of research. He is in large part clinging to notes, statistics.
Which is sort of a professional thing to do.
He actually has two written journals at this point. One, mostly full, in which he's recorded a lot of memories of Jason Bourne, and a smaller one with very little in it for recording things about the original David Webb. The online journal is another, separate thing, in which he's just being himself as he is now. Differentiation is important to his handling of things.
What keeps David really with himself and determined to stay that way are two things: wanting to be able to relate to at least a few other people on his own terms (in ways that are hopefully safe for those involved), and not wanting the people who turned him into Jason Bourne to win.
Without that...I'm not really sure, but he could end up just shutting himself down entirely.
...Anyway, the moral of the story is that David is practical but still dealing with a lot of existential stuff and does not want to be called Jason Bourne, thank you very much.
*As a side note, the fact that Pam gave him back his name is the biggest reason (though her taking down Kramer et al is a close second) he feels indebted and kind of...connected to her. He's got some protective feelings about Pam, though he knows she isn't all that likely to need help. Pam notably called him David towards the end of Ultimatum, which indicated to him that she actually believed in the person he is and not the weapon the CIA created. (And, as a matter of fact, she does.) ...That was a nice affirmation at that point.
...Cut text is a Yeats quote.
I have a habit of using Bourne and David interchangeably when talking about this character. That is not the case in this essay. The different names are important here.
David is, really, just a decent guy trying to get along in a world where he is officially missing and presumed dead. He is actually not prone to questioning himself all that much. David, is, above all, a practical person. He knows what he likes and what he doesn't like. He knows what he wants to do, and what he does not want to do. He has a pretty good idea of who he is and some idea of where he's going (that bit is subject to change, of course).
This, however, is about the things that cause him to question himself.
The problem is that at any point he is capable of essentially shutting his personality down and becoming purely "professional." It's not that he doesn't have emotions in this mode, it's that he keeps them largely within his control. And the more stress he's under, the greater the urge to do this is. (His fear of not being in control is fodder for a whole other essay.)
In other words, he is at any point able to become Jason Bourne.
Ever since he found out his real name*, "Jason Bourne" has ceased to be a convenient label for himself and has instead become the label for what he was turned into. Jason Bourne is the part of David that he does not want to be. But still can be. And knows that under some circumstances, he may want to be again.
Generally, David does just want to be himself. Which is kind of awkward, but genuine, and genuine is good. But in some circumstances, say when inserting himself into a dangerous situation along with the Corinthian, it's a relief just to be professional. It doesn't help that he knows that he's not really getting much of anywhere as himself, and he tends to actually be doing things in Bourne mode. It further does not help that in normal life he uses an assumed name and has a different persona around neighbors and such. David has a lot to differentiate David from. While he's usually fairly confident in who he is, it's a little intellectual, being himself is something he has to work at.
But the worst complication is, of course, the amnesia. The truth is that most of what he's remembered of his life from before he first got amnesia is his life as Jason Bourne. He still has very little memory of who David Webb was before, and most of those memories relate to how he became Jason Bourne.
When Eris struck a nerve by calling David "Mr. Bourne," he clung to repeating a few basic facts about himself. These may have seemed a little detached, like...someone reading off another person's file. This is because a lot of what he knows about himself is based in files and similar bits of research. He is in large part clinging to notes, statistics.
Which is sort of a professional thing to do.
He actually has two written journals at this point. One, mostly full, in which he's recorded a lot of memories of Jason Bourne, and a smaller one with very little in it for recording things about the original David Webb. The online journal is another, separate thing, in which he's just being himself as he is now. Differentiation is important to his handling of things.
What keeps David really with himself and determined to stay that way are two things: wanting to be able to relate to at least a few other people on his own terms (in ways that are hopefully safe for those involved), and not wanting the people who turned him into Jason Bourne to win.
Without that...I'm not really sure, but he could end up just shutting himself down entirely.
...Anyway, the moral of the story is that David is practical but still dealing with a lot of existential stuff and does not want to be called Jason Bourne, thank you very much.
*As a side note, the fact that Pam gave him back his name is the biggest reason (though her taking down Kramer et al is a close second) he feels indebted and kind of...connected to her. He's got some protective feelings about Pam, though he knows she isn't all that likely to need help. Pam notably called him David towards the end of Ultimatum, which indicated to him that she actually believed in the person he is and not the weapon the CIA created. (And, as a matter of fact, she does.) ...That was a nice affirmation at that point.
...Cut text is a Yeats quote.