Hard
I told a number of people when I thought I was further along and everything was going well, and I am using the crutch of LJ to catch up because it's just too hard to go to everyone and give them less joyful news. I am.. was, pregnant. I was entirely thrilled to be pregnant, but le bebe v2.0 has decided to vacate the premises about 30 weeks too soon. My numbers were doing crazy things, the baby was too small, and the heartbeat was too slow. Last week three ultrasounds took me from ectopic pregnancy to empty gestational sac, to a wee little fetus with a heartbeat of 60bpm. There were enough little hopes to stay hopeful until I started bleeding yesterday, but for whatever reason it was apparently not meant to be.
Trying to find a place that was neither fatalistic nor hopeful was (and is) harder than I would have imagined. With earlier miscarriages I was one or the other. I find myself slightly more sympathetic to Schrodinger's box, these days, than to the cat, or to Schrodinger.
I know you love me. I know you're sorry, or hopeful, or both. You don't need to tell me, and at the moment having to acknowledge love and concern is more of a burden than I can really deal with.
I can't imagine going through this again. I also can't imagine what I might miss if I don't try anyway. I guess it's a good thing I don't have to decide today. A month ago I had as perfect a life as I could imagine. I still do. I'm watching my miracle baby play as I type this - how small and fragile that life was at one time. I guess one person only gets so many miracles, and I surely can't complain about my allotment.
But still, it's hard.
Trying to find a place that was neither fatalistic nor hopeful was (and is) harder than I would have imagined. With earlier miscarriages I was one or the other. I find myself slightly more sympathetic to Schrodinger's box, these days, than to the cat, or to Schrodinger.
I know you love me. I know you're sorry, or hopeful, or both. You don't need to tell me, and at the moment having to acknowledge love and concern is more of a burden than I can really deal with.
I can't imagine going through this again. I also can't imagine what I might miss if I don't try anyway. I guess it's a good thing I don't have to decide today. A month ago I had as perfect a life as I could imagine. I still do. I'm watching my miracle baby play as I type this - how small and fragile that life was at one time. I guess one person only gets so many miracles, and I surely can't complain about my allotment.
But still, it's hard.