Response to seriousfic's "Expendables" review
In response to seriousfic's review of the 2010 crop of action movies, and specifically his review of The Expendables:
I actually enjoyed Couture being in the movie--maybe it's because he's the Expendable who comes closest to having actual character traits beyond being "the crazy one" or "the ginormous black one" or "the little one with the FUCKING LIGHTNING MOVES," or maybe it's because he was the only one underacting in a movie where every single bit of scenery had tooth marks on it and chunks visibly bitten out of it--but I'd say that the only *real* reason for having him in the movie was to have UFC and pro wrestling fans desperately want to see it, just to see "The Natural" and "Stone Cold" throw down. (Given how good both men are at unarmed combat--yes, to be a pro wrestler, you have to learn how to fight, because you also have to learn how to do it *without* killing your opponent!--that could have been an awesome ten-minute bare-knuckles brawl, if not for the goddamn shakeycam and inadequate lighting.) I think he was supposed to be the demolitions expert, which is a reasonable job for him, but you really can't tell, beyond his going to a therapist to keep himself sane. Of course, he's pretty much playing himself, and he's not exactly an exaggerated persona in real life, so he won't be as interesting as other options.
Overall, I've gotta agree, they spent too much time spinning their wheels before they got to the real meat of the movie--they could have easily cut half an hour out of the "is it worth it?" segment and had the movie still work. (Just have Stallone and Statham come back, tell the team that they're gonna cancel the mission as too dangerous *for the price*, do the bit with Statham beating the shit out of Carpenter's abusive boyfriend, do Rourke's "I shoulda gotten the Best Actor Oscar two years ago, I shoulda gotten the Best Supporting Actor Oscar last year, and I should get it this year, but I'm not, because the Academy hates action movies" scene to remind Stallone that sometimes there's more than just money to fight for, then have him decide to go and we pick up with the Jet Li/Dolph Lundgren fight.
They did plan on having Wesley Snipes in the movie originally--Crews's role was written for him--but they had a series of scheduling conflicts, resulting in it being rewritten for Forest Whitaker, then for 50 Cent, and finally for Crews. Lundgren's rather awesome role was intended for Van Damme, who turned it down because he felt that his character should be "trying to save people in South Central." Steven Segal turned down a role because of bad past experiences with the director.
Ironically, Bruce Willis's role was originally intended for The Governator, but he was too busy governating to be able to do more than a one-day shoot, and Willis's role required at least two days, hence his being reduced to the cameo. The role was then offered to Kurt Motherfucking Russell, who turned it down(!) on the grounds that he "wasn't interested in ensemble acting at the moment."
Rumblings are that the sequel is already slated to feature Chuck Norris, and likely will have Willis's character as the BBEG. My idea for how to make the sequel FUCKING AWESOME:
Gisele Itie: "Oh shit! Barney, it turns out that Church was really pulling the strings the whole time, and just wanted Daddy and Munroe out of the way because they were skimming too much off the top!"
Stallone: "What, you mean I gotta take on the whole damn CIA now? Not gonna happen. Not fer love, anyway."
Itie: "I'll pay you twenty-five million to get rid of Church. Also, these are my boobs. They will be eternally grateful if you do finally free my country."
Stallone: "...your boobs make a convincing argument, but I'm still not quite sure."
Willis: "Well, I want plausible deniability on Munroe's death, so here, have some hitmen."
Rourke: "...guys, Barney's not here, he's visiting his twin brother in Philly."
Hitmen: "Hey, we're not particular." *attack Rourke*
Rourke: "Look at me. I'm so badass that I can kill off two dozen heavily-armed CIA hitmen, unarmed and alone."
Willis: "Yeah, but you forgot to check outside for a bigger action star." *shoots Rourke in the back*
Rourke: "...well, fuck."
Willis: "Mwa ha ha. Now, to tie a woman to some railroad tracks and grow a mustache I can twirl." *leaves*
Stallone: *arrives* "Oh god Mickey, what happened?!"
Rourke: "Your CIA buddy Church happened. Hey, look, here's a death scene that's better than anything the Oscar winners for the year have ever done, but will get snubbed by the Academy again!"
Stallone: *manly tears* "Now it's personal."
Statham: "Yeah, but we can't take on all Church's men alone. I mean, hell, he's got Chuck Norris as his personal bodyguard, he's boning Gina Carano, and he's Kiefer Sutherland's BOSS, fercrissakes. We'd never get to him."
Stallone: "I know. If only there were someone who could help us out."
Schwarzenegger: "Hey, Barney. Now that I'm done governating, I can play a bigger role in your movie. Wanna go kick some ass together?"
Stallone: "...maybe. First we must see if your team is as good as mine. Meet me at the Sacrificial Biker Bar, and bring your boys with you."
Schwarzenegger: "Here we are at the Sacrificial Biker Bar. Here is my team. Demolitions expert Bruce Campbell, Scary Black Man Wesley Snipes, hyperintense psycho Brit second banana Matthew Marsden, 'roid-raging giant Matt Morgan, and wisecracking martial arts guy Jackie Chan."
Stallone: "Why, they are nothing like my team at all. I can't trust them unless they prove themselves in a barroom brawl with my team. Shall we fight?"
Schwarzenegger: "Let's."
*They do. The bar is left much the worse for wear.*
Jet Li: "You have good moves, but you are too old for this shit."
Jackie Chan: "Shows what you know." *does something insanely awesome with what's left of the bar to knock Li out* "Old age and treachery always beat youth and enthusiasm. Also, my wife asked me to say hello."
Jet Li: "How is Aunt Gladys, anyway?"
Stallone: "Not bad. Now let us go kill Church."
* The two teams join up and start driving their choppers towards Langley.
Willis: *is evil*
Kiefer Sutherland: "...are you sure that's entirely legal, boss?"
Willis: "Shut the fuck up! You're just a fucking lackey. Now go out and fucking kill Barney and Trent's teams."
Sutherland: *sighs like Kif* "Yes, sir."
* Sutherland and his team who TOTALLY AREN'T THE SAME GUYS AS THE CTU (even though they're all the same people as the cast of 24) go out and intercept the Expendables in a small town in the mountains. The fight destroys the entire town and they kill off all of Sutherland's team.
Sutherland: "Oh, hell. I've been on the wrong side this whole time, haven't I?"
Stallone: "Yep." *blows up gas station with Sutherland in it*
Willis: "Fuckity fuck fucking fucker!"
Norris: *looms ominously in the background*
Stallone: *gets to Langley*
Gina Carano: "Barney, wait. Before you go, you need to know... Church kicked my dog. So here's all the access codes to get past his security locks. He's been kicked out of CIA headquarters because we couldn't get permission to film there, much less blow the place up, so he's at a fortified warehouse that totally isn't in Van Nuys no matter what the street signs say. Also, I'm totally hot for Trent's demolitions guy. Does he mind sloppy seconds?"
Bruce Campbell: "Groovy."
Teams: *go to warehouse*
Willis's Mooks: "We don't think so!" *start fight*
Teams: *go to town for half an hour of fighting*
Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Jackie Chan: *sneak through the fighting into the inner part of the warehouse, despite being as stealthy as a B-52 raid*
Chuck Norris: "Hi there. You're all my bitches."
Stallone: "Oh, shit."
Jet Li, Jackie Chan: "We got this, boss!"
Norris, Li, Chan: *fifteen minutes of pure awesome kung fu fighting, maybe even with Carl Douglas singing in the background*
Stallone, Schwarzenegger: "...this is gonna go on for a while. Let's move."
Willis: "You two looking for me?"
Stallone: "My name is Barney Ross. You killed my buddy. Prepare to die."
Audience: *groooooooooan*
Big Three: *fight*
Willis: "Shit. I wouldn't have bet on getting fucking killed off." *dies*
Stallone: "That's 'cuz it's my picture, not yours."
Norris: *still fighting Jackie and Jet* "Give up!"
Li: "Never!"
Dolph Lundgren: *shoots Norris* "You'll give up now."
Li, Chan: "Thanks." *collapse in exhaustion*
* Both teams go to a bar to celebrate.
Itie: "Barney! My boobs thank you for saving our country!"
Stallone: "All in a day's work. Trent, put it on my tab and let the boys party until they're partied out. I now have to go. To celebrate. By having much sex with Giselle Itie."
Schwarzenegger: "...lucky bastard."
Couture: "Wait until my therapist hears about THIS one."
*credits*
I actually enjoyed Couture being in the movie--maybe it's because he's the Expendable who comes closest to having actual character traits beyond being "the crazy one" or "the ginormous black one" or "the little one with the FUCKING LIGHTNING MOVES," or maybe it's because he was the only one underacting in a movie where every single bit of scenery had tooth marks on it and chunks visibly bitten out of it--but I'd say that the only *real* reason for having him in the movie was to have UFC and pro wrestling fans desperately want to see it, just to see "The Natural" and "Stone Cold" throw down. (Given how good both men are at unarmed combat--yes, to be a pro wrestler, you have to learn how to fight, because you also have to learn how to do it *without* killing your opponent!--that could have been an awesome ten-minute bare-knuckles brawl, if not for the goddamn shakeycam and inadequate lighting.) I think he was supposed to be the demolitions expert, which is a reasonable job for him, but you really can't tell, beyond his going to a therapist to keep himself sane. Of course, he's pretty much playing himself, and he's not exactly an exaggerated persona in real life, so he won't be as interesting as other options.
Overall, I've gotta agree, they spent too much time spinning their wheels before they got to the real meat of the movie--they could have easily cut half an hour out of the "is it worth it?" segment and had the movie still work. (Just have Stallone and Statham come back, tell the team that they're gonna cancel the mission as too dangerous *for the price*, do the bit with Statham beating the shit out of Carpenter's abusive boyfriend, do Rourke's "I shoulda gotten the Best Actor Oscar two years ago, I shoulda gotten the Best Supporting Actor Oscar last year, and I should get it this year, but I'm not, because the Academy hates action movies" scene to remind Stallone that sometimes there's more than just money to fight for, then have him decide to go and we pick up with the Jet Li/Dolph Lundgren fight.
They did plan on having Wesley Snipes in the movie originally--Crews's role was written for him--but they had a series of scheduling conflicts, resulting in it being rewritten for Forest Whitaker, then for 50 Cent, and finally for Crews. Lundgren's rather awesome role was intended for Van Damme, who turned it down because he felt that his character should be "trying to save people in South Central." Steven Segal turned down a role because of bad past experiences with the director.
Ironically, Bruce Willis's role was originally intended for The Governator, but he was too busy governating to be able to do more than a one-day shoot, and Willis's role required at least two days, hence his being reduced to the cameo. The role was then offered to Kurt Motherfucking Russell, who turned it down(!) on the grounds that he "wasn't interested in ensemble acting at the moment."
Rumblings are that the sequel is already slated to feature Chuck Norris, and likely will have Willis's character as the BBEG. My idea for how to make the sequel FUCKING AWESOME:
Gisele Itie: "Oh shit! Barney, it turns out that Church was really pulling the strings the whole time, and just wanted Daddy and Munroe out of the way because they were skimming too much off the top!"
Stallone: "What, you mean I gotta take on the whole damn CIA now? Not gonna happen. Not fer love, anyway."
Itie: "I'll pay you twenty-five million to get rid of Church. Also, these are my boobs. They will be eternally grateful if you do finally free my country."
Stallone: "...your boobs make a convincing argument, but I'm still not quite sure."
Willis: "Well, I want plausible deniability on Munroe's death, so here, have some hitmen."
Rourke: "...guys, Barney's not here, he's visiting his twin brother in Philly."
Hitmen: "Hey, we're not particular." *attack Rourke*
Rourke: "Look at me. I'm so badass that I can kill off two dozen heavily-armed CIA hitmen, unarmed and alone."
Willis: "Yeah, but you forgot to check outside for a bigger action star." *shoots Rourke in the back*
Rourke: "...well, fuck."
Willis: "Mwa ha ha. Now, to tie a woman to some railroad tracks and grow a mustache I can twirl." *leaves*
Stallone: *arrives* "Oh god Mickey, what happened?!"
Rourke: "Your CIA buddy Church happened. Hey, look, here's a death scene that's better than anything the Oscar winners for the year have ever done, but will get snubbed by the Academy again!"
Stallone: *manly tears* "Now it's personal."
Statham: "Yeah, but we can't take on all Church's men alone. I mean, hell, he's got Chuck Norris as his personal bodyguard, he's boning Gina Carano, and he's Kiefer Sutherland's BOSS, fercrissakes. We'd never get to him."
Stallone: "I know. If only there were someone who could help us out."
Schwarzenegger: "Hey, Barney. Now that I'm done governating, I can play a bigger role in your movie. Wanna go kick some ass together?"
Stallone: "...maybe. First we must see if your team is as good as mine. Meet me at the Sacrificial Biker Bar, and bring your boys with you."
Schwarzenegger: "Here we are at the Sacrificial Biker Bar. Here is my team. Demolitions expert Bruce Campbell, Scary Black Man Wesley Snipes, hyperintense psycho Brit second banana Matthew Marsden, 'roid-raging giant Matt Morgan, and wisecracking martial arts guy Jackie Chan."
Stallone: "Why, they are nothing like my team at all. I can't trust them unless they prove themselves in a barroom brawl with my team. Shall we fight?"
Schwarzenegger: "Let's."
*They do. The bar is left much the worse for wear.*
Jet Li: "You have good moves, but you are too old for this shit."
Jackie Chan: "Shows what you know." *does something insanely awesome with what's left of the bar to knock Li out* "Old age and treachery always beat youth and enthusiasm. Also, my wife asked me to say hello."
Jet Li: "How is Aunt Gladys, anyway?"
Stallone: "Not bad. Now let us go kill Church."
* The two teams join up and start driving their choppers towards Langley.
Willis: *is evil*
Kiefer Sutherland: "...are you sure that's entirely legal, boss?"
Willis: "Shut the fuck up! You're just a fucking lackey. Now go out and fucking kill Barney and Trent's teams."
Sutherland: *sighs like Kif* "Yes, sir."
* Sutherland and his team who TOTALLY AREN'T THE SAME GUYS AS THE CTU (even though they're all the same people as the cast of 24) go out and intercept the Expendables in a small town in the mountains. The fight destroys the entire town and they kill off all of Sutherland's team.
Sutherland: "Oh, hell. I've been on the wrong side this whole time, haven't I?"
Stallone: "Yep." *blows up gas station with Sutherland in it*
Willis: "Fuckity fuck fucking fucker!"
Norris: *looms ominously in the background*
Stallone: *gets to Langley*
Gina Carano: "Barney, wait. Before you go, you need to know... Church kicked my dog. So here's all the access codes to get past his security locks. He's been kicked out of CIA headquarters because we couldn't get permission to film there, much less blow the place up, so he's at a fortified warehouse that totally isn't in Van Nuys no matter what the street signs say. Also, I'm totally hot for Trent's demolitions guy. Does he mind sloppy seconds?"
Bruce Campbell: "Groovy."
Teams: *go to warehouse*
Willis's Mooks: "We don't think so!" *start fight*
Teams: *go to town for half an hour of fighting*
Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Jackie Chan: *sneak through the fighting into the inner part of the warehouse, despite being as stealthy as a B-52 raid*
Chuck Norris: "Hi there. You're all my bitches."
Stallone: "Oh, shit."
Jet Li, Jackie Chan: "We got this, boss!"
Norris, Li, Chan: *fifteen minutes of pure awesome kung fu fighting, maybe even with Carl Douglas singing in the background*
Stallone, Schwarzenegger: "...this is gonna go on for a while. Let's move."
Willis: "You two looking for me?"
Stallone: "My name is Barney Ross. You killed my buddy. Prepare to die."
Audience: *groooooooooan*
Big Three: *fight*
Willis: "Shit. I wouldn't have bet on getting fucking killed off." *dies*
Stallone: "That's 'cuz it's my picture, not yours."
Norris: *still fighting Jackie and Jet* "Give up!"
Li: "Never!"
Dolph Lundgren: *shoots Norris* "You'll give up now."
Li, Chan: "Thanks." *collapse in exhaustion*
* Both teams go to a bar to celebrate.
Itie: "Barney! My boobs thank you for saving our country!"
Stallone: "All in a day's work. Trent, put it on my tab and let the boys party until they're partied out. I now have to go. To celebrate. By having much sex with Giselle Itie."
Schwarzenegger: "...lucky bastard."
Couture: "Wait until my therapist hears about THIS one."
*credits*