Parenthood, a poem
At first
All is quiet
Baby is sleeping
Dog is sleeping
Cats are sleeping
Parent is trying desperately to hold on to his former life
Baby makes a grunt
Everybody looks over
False alarm
Baby spits out pacifier
Trouble is brewing
Alpha Cat stands up and stretches
Parent looks around nervously
Parent says "it's ok, buddy" and frantically looks for a bottle
In preparation for the scream
Dog looks at Parent, confused
Baby screams
Dog jumps up and tries to investigate
"Sniff his butt! Lick him! Fix the noise!"
Parent finds bottle
Alpha Cat pulls something down off the coffee table
Parent pushes Dog away
Dog whines
"Sniff his butt! Lick him! Fix the noise!"
Baby slaps the bottle away, taekwondo style
Parent dodges the blows, inserts bottle
Baby starts sucking
Huge eyes look up at Parent
All is well
Sucking slows down
Parent lifts Baby up to shoulder
Parent pats Baby's back
Alpha Cat pulls something down off the coffee table
Baby says "uh uh uh uh" noise and then burps
Baby sometimes spits something juicy up
But mostly burps
Dog tilts head and looks confused
"Lick him?"
Baby repeats the sucking process
Alpha Cat jumps up on coffee table
Parent lifts Baby up to shoulder
Parent pats Baby's back
Alpha Cat pushes everything within reach off the coffee table
Dog gets flustered and tries to stop Alpha Cat
Two other Cats begin to brawl on the other side of the room
Parent pushes Dog away
Baby starts to bob his head in rhythm with the patting
Baby turns his head and wraps his lips around Daddy's nose
Which is quite a feat, given the size of Daddy's nose
Baby's mouth smells like formula
Something squirts in Baby's diaper
Parent puts down formula bottle
Parent grabs squirt bottle and shoots Alpha Cat with an awesome hip shot
Alpha Cat does not respond to threats from formula bottle
Baby starts to squirm
Dog tries to help
"Sniff his butt! Lick him!"
Baby finishes bottle
Parent pushes Dog away
Baby emits soul-shaking belch
Parent quickly switches formula bottle for pacifier
Alpha Cat begins to scratch at the front door
Something squirts in Baby's diaper
Huge eyes look up at parent, behind a pacifier
All is well
Alpha Cat continues to scratch at the front door
Parent hoists Baby up
Parent opens front door
Parent kicks Alpha Cat outside
Baby realizes there is something nasty going on in its diaper
Baby begins to fuss
Dog tries to help
"Sniff his butt! Lick him!"
Nobody wants to sniff Baby's butt
Dog is concerned
Dog is dismayed that his advice is being ignored
Parent lays Baby down on the floor
Parent opens up Baby's clothing to access diaper
Diaper blowout
Baby screams
Dog frantically tries to help
"Sniff his butt! Lick him!"
Parent pushes Dog away
Diaper looks like it is filled with mustard
Small cat enters Psycho Kitty mode
Psycho Kitty runs up and down the stairs
Baby continues to scream
Alpha Cat wants back inside, cold outside
Dog is desperate to help clean Baby
Parent uses one hand to push Dog away
Parent uses other hand to wipe away the mustard-like substance
Baby tries to pee on Parent
Baby has hit Mommy a few times but Daddy is too quick
So far
Baby has new diaper
Old diaper disappeared down Diaper Genie
Alpha Cat frantically scratching at front door
Dog is indignant that his advice was ignored
"You should've licked him"
Baby gives big sigh, full belly, empty diaper
All is well
Repeat all steps three hours later
All is quiet
Baby is sleeping
Dog is sleeping
Cats are sleeping
Parent is trying desperately to hold on to his former life
Baby makes a grunt
Everybody looks over
False alarm
Baby spits out pacifier
Trouble is brewing
Alpha Cat stands up and stretches
Parent looks around nervously
Parent says "it's ok, buddy" and frantically looks for a bottle
In preparation for the scream
Dog looks at Parent, confused
Baby screams
Dog jumps up and tries to investigate
"Sniff his butt! Lick him! Fix the noise!"
Parent finds bottle
Alpha Cat pulls something down off the coffee table
Parent pushes Dog away
Dog whines
"Sniff his butt! Lick him! Fix the noise!"
Baby slaps the bottle away, taekwondo style
Parent dodges the blows, inserts bottle
Baby starts sucking
Huge eyes look up at Parent
All is well
Sucking slows down
Parent lifts Baby up to shoulder
Parent pats Baby's back
Alpha Cat pulls something down off the coffee table
Baby says "uh uh uh uh" noise and then burps
Baby sometimes spits something juicy up
But mostly burps
Dog tilts head and looks confused
"Lick him?"
Baby repeats the sucking process
Alpha Cat jumps up on coffee table
Parent lifts Baby up to shoulder
Parent pats Baby's back
Alpha Cat pushes everything within reach off the coffee table
Dog gets flustered and tries to stop Alpha Cat
Two other Cats begin to brawl on the other side of the room
Parent pushes Dog away
Baby starts to bob his head in rhythm with the patting
Baby turns his head and wraps his lips around Daddy's nose
Which is quite a feat, given the size of Daddy's nose
Baby's mouth smells like formula
Something squirts in Baby's diaper
Parent puts down formula bottle
Parent grabs squirt bottle and shoots Alpha Cat with an awesome hip shot
Alpha Cat does not respond to threats from formula bottle
Baby starts to squirm
Dog tries to help
"Sniff his butt! Lick him!"
Baby finishes bottle
Parent pushes Dog away
Baby emits soul-shaking belch
Parent quickly switches formula bottle for pacifier
Alpha Cat begins to scratch at the front door
Something squirts in Baby's diaper
Huge eyes look up at parent, behind a pacifier
All is well
Alpha Cat continues to scratch at the front door
Parent hoists Baby up
Parent opens front door
Parent kicks Alpha Cat outside
Baby realizes there is something nasty going on in its diaper
Baby begins to fuss
Dog tries to help
"Sniff his butt! Lick him!"
Nobody wants to sniff Baby's butt
Dog is concerned
Dog is dismayed that his advice is being ignored
Parent lays Baby down on the floor
Parent opens up Baby's clothing to access diaper
Diaper blowout
Baby screams
Dog frantically tries to help
"Sniff his butt! Lick him!"
Parent pushes Dog away
Diaper looks like it is filled with mustard
Small cat enters Psycho Kitty mode
Psycho Kitty runs up and down the stairs
Baby continues to scream
Alpha Cat wants back inside, cold outside
Dog is desperate to help clean Baby
Parent uses one hand to push Dog away
Parent uses other hand to wipe away the mustard-like substance
Baby tries to pee on Parent
Baby has hit Mommy a few times but Daddy is too quick
So far
Baby has new diaper
Old diaper disappeared down Diaper Genie
Alpha Cat frantically scratching at front door
Dog is indignant that his advice was ignored
"You should've licked him"
Baby gives big sigh, full belly, empty diaper
All is well
Repeat all steps three hours later