Really really long (hunger induced?) rant.
For the last year or two, I've listened. I've listened harder than I ever have in my life.
People talk behind my back all the damn time - at work mostly, but I pay better attention than most people think.
And when I'm hanging out with the local furry group that meets up every month in my area, I listen.
And when I'm at work dealing with the assholes who would sooner beat the shit out of a faggot than heed the wisdom of a younger guy, I listen.
And everywhere I go I hear the same thing.
"My life sucks, my girlfriend/boyfriend sucks, my job sucks, school sucks, Ryuu - you suck too."
And I smile and walk on by and I enjoy life hopping from one new friend to another and people think I'm an inconsiderate insensitive asshole because of it.
But I've still been listening.
For all the bitching that people do about their shitty lives and their shitty jobs and shitty teachers and 'oh shit i've got homework', nobody has ever stopped and said, "Hey Ryuu - you're aweful quiet: what's on your mind?"
I'm told it's because people are scared of me. Because I act so spontaneously that they're afraid I might do something 'stupid' and they'll get hurt - physically or emotionally.
They would be right, if only because I know which ones are scared of me and they're the ones who I'd probably hurt the feelings of the most.
Because *they're* the ones who *should* be scared.
The ones who 'should' be scared... are the ones who blame me and mock me, who insult me and jide me behind my back when I've been sitting quietly listening.
They're too scared to say anything to my face because they know - and I know - that I'm an emotionally irrational person who does stupid things and cannot be predicted 'not' to simply punch somebody in the face for talking shit to me.
That's good normally - it's good to be cautious around people you can't read too well. They might be crazy.
Thing is - I'm not. I'm not crazy, and I'm not looking to pick a fight, and I'm NOT stupid. I'm physically weak, cowardly, and incredibly bad at understanding emotions and sympathising with other peoples' pain. But I'm not heartless.
I'm not deaf, dumb, or blind to the shitty lives and shitty jobs, and shitty school that people are putting themselves through.
I understand that things are shitty OFTEN.
And people get mad at me when I leave them in their darkest hours when they need a friend more than anything to be there for them.
A shoulder to lean on, and chest to cry into..
And I'm sorry more than anything else in the world that I don't understand these emotions. I *literally* don't get it.
If I haven't been through it myself, I can't relate. I only have my experience to guide me. That much by itself has often been enough to guide me through life - but when people need me, I can't be there or I'm not there... because I don't understand.
And when I don't understand something, I get frustrated with it. I get angry at myself, and annoyed that I can't get passed this stupid barrier in my mind that for whatever reason turns me into a cold block of ice.
So I leave.
And then my friends get mad at me because they think I don't care about them.
And they talk behind my back and say "Ryuu is a lousey friend who only wants to see what the next shiny trinket around the corner is."
And I listen, and I hurt, and I can't for the life of me explain: "I'm sorry I don't understand." Because even if I *do* say that - they think I'm just insincere or a jerk for not trying to put myself in their shoes.
I've always been this way - as far back as I can remember.
Doctors tell me it's aspburgers.
I think that's a load of shit.
I say I don't understand people because I've decided to take to heart the philosophies which I hold dear.
That all things are connected. That seperate life is an illusion. And so is death. That this world we live in is small and insignificant, and our time in it is too short for us to worry about the mundanities of a shitty job here or a bad report card there.
The life we live now is too short and there is NO point in wasting what precious moments we have of it complaining about it, when there is so much good that can be done.
I used to wonder why I enjoy writing and I realised tonight that it was because it was the only guaranteed form of communication that would last so long that it could help people beyond my lifetime.
And when I came home this evening I wanted to write a story that would inspire others to do good and make them want to help one another.
And I come home and find that some older friends of mine (in that they're older than I, not that I've known them long), are bickering and complaining about some of the most meaningless, mundane, and selfish things I have ever had to watch somebody complain about.
What the fuck happened to wisdom with age?!
People don't seem to get that nothing is permanent. Things will always change.
And it frustrates me to no end that when I try to expand the poor old man's mind into realising that his trial is merely temporary and not something to stress himself over, he criticises me for being a young punk working in a comic book store who cares nothing for his emotions.
Damn right I don't care about his emotions! That's because they're not important in the grand scheme of the universe. They may matter to us for a moment, but negativity that comes with them shall pass.
While it's okay to acknowledge emotion, dwelling on it for too long will only cause one's energy to become stagnant.
It's important to allow for change and flux.
People think I don't care. And I'm okay with that. It hurts my feelings to hear them say it. I try not to get angry when I hear it said behind my back that I'm a bad friend. And it pains me that they think I don't want to help them.
I want to help others others.
A lot.
Its why I'm trying to go back into school so I can become an EMT.
I want people to not be afraid of me.
It's why I don't talk as much anymore, since I know people feel they need to walk on eggshells when they're talking to me.
I write instead... because I can soften the blow of what I have to say through the pages I scribe.
I want to be able to go home and know that I still have friends, even though I went away and appeared to leave the friends I had behind.
But when I do try to, my friends have done to me as it seems I've done to them. They've moved on and forgotten. But I don't forget. I remember.
Because I listen.
P.S.: I have no idea who actually reads my LJ posts, and this message was in no way directed at any one person.
People talk behind my back all the damn time - at work mostly, but I pay better attention than most people think.
And when I'm hanging out with the local furry group that meets up every month in my area, I listen.
And when I'm at work dealing with the assholes who would sooner beat the shit out of a faggot than heed the wisdom of a younger guy, I listen.
And everywhere I go I hear the same thing.
"My life sucks, my girlfriend/boyfriend sucks, my job sucks, school sucks, Ryuu - you suck too."
And I smile and walk on by and I enjoy life hopping from one new friend to another and people think I'm an inconsiderate insensitive asshole because of it.
But I've still been listening.
For all the bitching that people do about their shitty lives and their shitty jobs and shitty teachers and 'oh shit i've got homework', nobody has ever stopped and said, "Hey Ryuu - you're aweful quiet: what's on your mind?"
I'm told it's because people are scared of me. Because I act so spontaneously that they're afraid I might do something 'stupid' and they'll get hurt - physically or emotionally.
They would be right, if only because I know which ones are scared of me and they're the ones who I'd probably hurt the feelings of the most.
Because *they're* the ones who *should* be scared.
The ones who 'should' be scared... are the ones who blame me and mock me, who insult me and jide me behind my back when I've been sitting quietly listening.
They're too scared to say anything to my face because they know - and I know - that I'm an emotionally irrational person who does stupid things and cannot be predicted 'not' to simply punch somebody in the face for talking shit to me.
That's good normally - it's good to be cautious around people you can't read too well. They might be crazy.
Thing is - I'm not. I'm not crazy, and I'm not looking to pick a fight, and I'm NOT stupid. I'm physically weak, cowardly, and incredibly bad at understanding emotions and sympathising with other peoples' pain. But I'm not heartless.
I'm not deaf, dumb, or blind to the shitty lives and shitty jobs, and shitty school that people are putting themselves through.
I understand that things are shitty OFTEN.
And people get mad at me when I leave them in their darkest hours when they need a friend more than anything to be there for them.
A shoulder to lean on, and chest to cry into..
And I'm sorry more than anything else in the world that I don't understand these emotions. I *literally* don't get it.
If I haven't been through it myself, I can't relate. I only have my experience to guide me. That much by itself has often been enough to guide me through life - but when people need me, I can't be there or I'm not there... because I don't understand.
And when I don't understand something, I get frustrated with it. I get angry at myself, and annoyed that I can't get passed this stupid barrier in my mind that for whatever reason turns me into a cold block of ice.
So I leave.
And then my friends get mad at me because they think I don't care about them.
And they talk behind my back and say "Ryuu is a lousey friend who only wants to see what the next shiny trinket around the corner is."
And I listen, and I hurt, and I can't for the life of me explain: "I'm sorry I don't understand." Because even if I *do* say that - they think I'm just insincere or a jerk for not trying to put myself in their shoes.
I've always been this way - as far back as I can remember.
Doctors tell me it's aspburgers.
I think that's a load of shit.
I say I don't understand people because I've decided to take to heart the philosophies which I hold dear.
That all things are connected. That seperate life is an illusion. And so is death. That this world we live in is small and insignificant, and our time in it is too short for us to worry about the mundanities of a shitty job here or a bad report card there.
The life we live now is too short and there is NO point in wasting what precious moments we have of it complaining about it, when there is so much good that can be done.
I used to wonder why I enjoy writing and I realised tonight that it was because it was the only guaranteed form of communication that would last so long that it could help people beyond my lifetime.
And when I came home this evening I wanted to write a story that would inspire others to do good and make them want to help one another.
And I come home and find that some older friends of mine (in that they're older than I, not that I've known them long), are bickering and complaining about some of the most meaningless, mundane, and selfish things I have ever had to watch somebody complain about.
What the fuck happened to wisdom with age?!
People don't seem to get that nothing is permanent. Things will always change.
And it frustrates me to no end that when I try to expand the poor old man's mind into realising that his trial is merely temporary and not something to stress himself over, he criticises me for being a young punk working in a comic book store who cares nothing for his emotions.
Damn right I don't care about his emotions! That's because they're not important in the grand scheme of the universe. They may matter to us for a moment, but negativity that comes with them shall pass.
While it's okay to acknowledge emotion, dwelling on it for too long will only cause one's energy to become stagnant.
It's important to allow for change and flux.
People think I don't care. And I'm okay with that. It hurts my feelings to hear them say it. I try not to get angry when I hear it said behind my back that I'm a bad friend. And it pains me that they think I don't want to help them.
I want to help others others.
A lot.
Its why I'm trying to go back into school so I can become an EMT.
I want people to not be afraid of me.
It's why I don't talk as much anymore, since I know people feel they need to walk on eggshells when they're talking to me.
I write instead... because I can soften the blow of what I have to say through the pages I scribe.
I want to be able to go home and know that I still have friends, even though I went away and appeared to leave the friends I had behind.
But when I do try to, my friends have done to me as it seems I've done to them. They've moved on and forgotten. But I don't forget. I remember.
Because I listen.
P.S.: I have no idea who actually reads my LJ posts, and this message was in no way directed at any one person.