(no subject)
Mom explained to me once why she never tried to get close to me or to have a relationship with me... only once have we ever discussed it. Apparentally even as an infant I was the most private little creature you had ever met. While it was obvious that I was an overly passionate person by nature... for some odd reason by the time I was old enough to go to school (about 6 is when she says it truly started) I began to simply be able to emotionally close myself off and I began perfecting the are of mental privacy and of talking for hours on end yet saying nothing. Of course no one ever thought that maybe the fucking shit that was going on at home contributed to that. "Don't cry. What the fuck are you crying for. If you don't stop crying I'll give you a real reason to cry!" and they would... And then they would get so fucking upset that I wouldn't cry that they figured whatever they were doing to try invoke emotion out of me later wasn't working, so they'd up the anty (welcome to the reason behind my obsession with always raising the bar one step higher no matter how far I have to go) and finally finally they would break me and be satisfied only to once again shout the question of why the fuck I was so upset since I did it to myself.... Well I guess I've never and probably will never be able to shed myself of that defense mechanism. Maybe it's why I had to develop all those mental tracks... I had to have somewhere for all that passion to go... Steeldragon... I made up that name because at the time it fit me so well... and after a very long while I considered changing it because I felt it no longer applied. I guess I was wrong. I guess I am still the grey fog that chris described me as, and my eyes maybe have so much color because of what he used to say- they're the only thing about me that I couldn't keep my emotions from reaching- so I guess they had to make up for all the emotions my face lacked for so long... Ya know I never thanked him... Chris was a big part of what helped free me even partially from that solid stone tomb I had built around myself... Only maybe I never got it down for real... I'm not sure what's going on... to be honest with the world and myself I never am. I can be so "objective" and "wise" lol with others, but the second it hit's close to home I never know... and I doubt I ever will.... Yes something happened tonight. No I don't want to expain it because it's not my place to show off to the world what happened between this individual and I. It's between us... although maybe yet again I'm doing the wrong thing by him... I don't know... I doubt I'll ever find out until it's too late... and maybe I'm begining to see more and more that yet again freud must have has at least part of his theories right. Because right now I feel just like I did when I was 6... it's actually what inspired this whole entry. Because as we were fighting and I was crying, all I could hear in my head was that same old question "Why was I crying... I did it to myself... If I don't stop, he'll probably give me a real reason to cry." and as he explained the inital statement (one that was a simple question but cut so purely to the core) I found that he certainly did... people always do... that's why I'm so "objective" and "wise" not because I'm either of those. Just because people are very generally predicatble... and while there is a grand yet situational formula for the general things... specifics will never have a formula... and damnit if that isn't what I need...
What good is being objective, intuitive, and wise... if you can't manage to use those powers to help the people you love most? What good is it to be close with someone if all it ever does is irrevocably burn them in the end? That girl on that yaya movie had the right idea. If you know your fucked up, why be so selfish as to let your emersion into anothers life fuck there's up more. Why get close to anyone when the best way for you to help them is to keep them at arms length or further? Why? Why? Why? Why bother sending these fucking quesions out to the cosmos of the internet when the internet is soley comprised of these very fucked up people who have problems just like you.... Why bother asking why when if you were meant to know then you would. And since you don't the only logical assumption is that you just need to fucking get over yourself and deal before you own damned questioning just grants even more room for situations where more torturous "why's" will be revealed? So many why's I could list tonight... but all it probably is is what he implied, it's just a way to make myself feel better about hurting him and about me only hurting him because I am fucked up and can't cope. So maybe the question of the night is this... why did I push so hard for him to give me the chance to do this to him over and over again... only a steeldragon could be a bitch enough to be like that... I once thought that RCarpe was that different softer person locked inside for so many years... well maybe they really are just one in the same and the moster ate the child in a back ally of the world and the world just keeps spinning round and round...
Life's a Bitch... Yet we all wake up every morning and soldier on... I guess that is possibly the biggest flaw in the above theory. Life's a Bitch, but people love it. Civilization and order sucks cuz it's suffocating and formalitized and creates the great stress that is society, yet we fight so hard to maintain it. Friends die so new ones are forged. The sould finds a way to regenerate it's broken pieces despite the extensive damaged caused by the mutliple atrocities every human regardless of race, gender, or age must face from the point of their creation in the womb. From that second we are doomed, yet we're still born.
Ahh... I'm no great mind anyway. it's no shock that my own thoughts would contradict themselves, they always do. and they continue to do so in the land of dreams for I am offically emotionally spent for the evening... Goodnight all... and may your mind be less pluged than mine, for mine has enough throughtfull tumors in it to kill the nation.
What good is being objective, intuitive, and wise... if you can't manage to use those powers to help the people you love most? What good is it to be close with someone if all it ever does is irrevocably burn them in the end? That girl on that yaya movie had the right idea. If you know your fucked up, why be so selfish as to let your emersion into anothers life fuck there's up more. Why get close to anyone when the best way for you to help them is to keep them at arms length or further? Why? Why? Why? Why bother sending these fucking quesions out to the cosmos of the internet when the internet is soley comprised of these very fucked up people who have problems just like you.... Why bother asking why when if you were meant to know then you would. And since you don't the only logical assumption is that you just need to fucking get over yourself and deal before you own damned questioning just grants even more room for situations where more torturous "why's" will be revealed? So many why's I could list tonight... but all it probably is is what he implied, it's just a way to make myself feel better about hurting him and about me only hurting him because I am fucked up and can't cope. So maybe the question of the night is this... why did I push so hard for him to give me the chance to do this to him over and over again... only a steeldragon could be a bitch enough to be like that... I once thought that RCarpe was that different softer person locked inside for so many years... well maybe they really are just one in the same and the moster ate the child in a back ally of the world and the world just keeps spinning round and round...
Life's a Bitch... Yet we all wake up every morning and soldier on... I guess that is possibly the biggest flaw in the above theory. Life's a Bitch, but people love it. Civilization and order sucks cuz it's suffocating and formalitized and creates the great stress that is society, yet we fight so hard to maintain it. Friends die so new ones are forged. The sould finds a way to regenerate it's broken pieces despite the extensive damaged caused by the mutliple atrocities every human regardless of race, gender, or age must face from the point of their creation in the womb. From that second we are doomed, yet we're still born.
Ahh... I'm no great mind anyway. it's no shock that my own thoughts would contradict themselves, they always do. and they continue to do so in the land of dreams for I am offically emotionally spent for the evening... Goodnight all... and may your mind be less pluged than mine, for mine has enough throughtfull tumors in it to kill the nation.