Mission 12: Discovering Capabilities
Rating: PG-13/T
Fandom: X-Men movie 'verse
[Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, who have graciously allowed others into their sandbox. I don't own anything recognizable in this parodic story save for the characters of Ian and Lee. “ Discovering Capabilities” belongs to The Avid Musician, who can keep it. X-Men belongs to Marvel Comics, Portal 2 belongs to Valve, and any other recognizable things belong to their various owners. This is unbetaed, so all mistakes not native to the badfic being sporked are mine. Thanks to Sergio Turbo for the information about the Italian.]
The sounds of muttering, electronic beeps, metal-on-metal, and, incongruously enough, smooth jazz filled the main room of RC 6237. The former three were coming from the general direction of the console, while the smooth jazz-- which had just cut out suddenly --had been coming from the speakers of a laptop. Lee was playing Portal 2 while she and Ian waited for the DoSAT technician's final verdict on their console. Ian sat next to Lee, watching her play through the early levels of the game and occasionally making comments about what was happening on-screen. Their dæmons lounged on the floor at their feet, with Roshaun sprawled comfortably across Nucifera's body.
The technician extricated herself from the innards of the console ten minutes after the smooth jazz had been deployed, bringing several dust bunnies and one extremely deaf moth with her. She got to her feet, brushing off the dust and sending the moth flying away, only for it to be caught in Mr. Wesley's web. Ian looked up at the cessation of repair-y noises, and then tapped Lee on the shoulder. She looked up, saw the technician putting the front of the console back on, and then paused and saved her game before setting the laptop aside. “So, what's the verdict?” she asked, getting to her feet as she spoke. Roshaun leapt up into her arms, nestling against Lee's chest contentedly.
“Well,” the tech began, “apparently, the previous occupants of this RC did some creative maintenance on the console, not to mention the fact that it looks like it's been hit with several different kinds of magical energies. It seems the combination of illicit tech from various continua and the magical energies caused this to happen, and to be honest, I'm not sure where to start.”
She eyed Roshaun and Nucifera momentarily and then shrugged. “I made it so your dæmons are turned invisible when you go on missions, like we do for agents native to the His Dark Materials fandom. Unfortunately, it's going to take a while until anyone can fix this, so as long as your Disguise Generator still works, it's not high priority, especially since the problem isn't life-threatening or going to disrupt the space-time continuum.”
“So, long story short: 'deal with it, and if it becomes a problem, call us?'” Ian asked dryly.
“Basically, yeah,” the tech replied, gathering her things. “Good luck on your next mission, by the way.”
“What did she mean by that?” Nucifera asked after the tech left, closing the door behind her as she went.
“Well, obviously that--” Roshaun began, but was cut off when the console blared out its customary [BEEEEEP!], announcing Ian and Lee's newest mission. Ian got up from the couch and went over to the console, turning the alarm off before reading the Intelligence report. “Hmm,” he murmured thoughtfully as he read.
“What?”
Ian shrugged. “It's a Sue for X-Men. Movie 'verse, by all appearances,” he replied.
“Oh, cool. I haven't been there since I finished training.”
“You actually got training?” Ian asked, amused.
“Well, most people would call it 'being sent on a few missions with an agent one really awful fic away from going “Mr. Rogers!”', but I prefer to think of it as a sort of character building time of my life,” Lee said nostalgically as Ian set their disguises. They'd be going as Generic Mutants, with Lee naturally having elemental-based powers, and Ian being able to generate both mental and physical shields.
“That must have been interesting,” Ian commented as the portal opened on the wall. Lee smiled as she finished writing a note for Sammy, who was sleeping at the moment, and then nodded.
“That's one way to put it,” Roshaun said from his perch on Lee's shoulders. Ian chuckled softly as he stepped through the portal, Nucifera at his side.
Lee followed after him, emerging into the woods of upstate New York. Ian pulled her behind a large oak tree, slipping a broad hand over her mouth to stifle the noise of surprise she instinctively made at his actions. “Shh,” he murmured. “The Sue's nearby.”
Lee nodded, so Ian let her go and peeked around the tree to see that the Sue, who was named Sylvana, had looked up at the sun-kissed leaves overhead. She smiled and walked on.
However, she stropped abruptly a little farther on.
“Huh,” Lee muttered, tilting her head curiously. “I've never seen a Sue try to sharpen a straight razor like that before.”
“Yeah,” Ian replied. He scanned ahead in the Words and frowned. “Not much happens in this half of the chapter, besides Professor Xavier inviting Sylvana to the Institute, which isn't too out of character for him.”
“True,” Lee agreed, marking down the charge of 'ESP doesn't work that way!' when Sylvana mentioned that she'd be able to find her way to the Institute after Professor Xavier said, "Alright," he answered, "Would you like me to send someone for you?"
"No," she said, "I have ESP."
“So, portal ahead?”
“Yep,” Ian said, and then opened a portal to the second half of the chapter. They stepped through into an empty room next to Professor X's office, where Sylvana and the Professor were talking.
"Professor Xavier?" she asked.
The man looked up and smiled when he saw her. "Yes, my dear, and what is your name?"
"Sylvana Mezzanotte," she answered.
“Oh, how... cute,” Lee said, rolling her eyes.
“It gets worse,” Ian told her.
“It always does.”
"Pleased to meet you, Sylvana. Please, sit," he said kindly.
She sat in the chair across from him before saying, "So this is your school."
"Yes…Forgive me for asking, but how far are you in your schooling?"
"I was kicked out from my second year at Harvard because I was a mutant," she said bitterly. A bad taste came into her mouth with that memory.
This time, it was Ian's turn to roll his eyes. “Oh, you poor thing, you got kicked out of Harvard.” He shook his head. “Why is it always the Ivy League schools that attract Sues?”
“I wonder why it took them two years to chuck her out, if she was a known mutant?” Lee added. “Also, wouldn't it make more sense for someone with red eyes, like Ms. Musical Lady over there, to have brown contacts rather than blue?”
“It'd be less noticeable, that's for sure, and she could probably pass them off as being an odd shade of dark brown,” Ian hazarded, and then swore softly at what Sylvana said in response to a question Professor X asked her:
"What did you study?" he asked, very curious.
"Music," she said promptly.
"What instrument?" he asked.
"I can play piano, violin, trumpet, clarinet, flute, oboe, cello, organ, vocal, viola, trombone, and tuba," she said, ticking them off on her fingers as she listed them.
“Oh, wonderful, an Overachiever!Sue,” Lee said, her nose wrinkling in disgust. “Not my favorite.”
“What, you have one?” Ian asked, amused.
“Not really. Also, 'vocal' is not an instrument.”
“Well, I suppose can say one thing for this 'fic,” Lee said as the chapter drew to a close.
“Oh? What's that?” Ian asked.
“At least the grammar and spelling are pretty good. It doesn't hurt to look at the Words,” Lee said, noting down the charge of 'misusing Institute resources' to the list when Professor Xavier offered to use the Blackbird to retrieve Sylvana's instruments from Harvard, rather than say, having them shipped via traditional means.
“Why does she need all those instruments, anyways?” Ian asked as the room darkened around them. The next chapter had started, and it was now night time. Logan walked down the hall of the Institute. The moon shone through the windows, lighting his way. No one else was ever up at this time, which was why he liked it. The two agents followed after him, keeping well behind the famous mutant just in case. Ian had activated physical shields around both him and Lee in order to dull their scents and the sounds of their heartbeats, as he wasn't sure the SEP field would be totally effective against Wolverine's super senses; the resultant visual effect was a slight blue shimmer that surrounded the two of them.
It turned out that the shields weren't necessary, as Wolverine was fixated on the music coming from a room in an undefined part of the Institute. Curious, he began to walk toward the violist. A minute later, Logan stood outside the room the sound was coming from. He poked his head into the room.
Inside with her back turned, a girl…no, young woman stood. Her hair fell down her back, moving slightly as her arm moved back and forth. Her other arm held up the violin which she played. Her music was unlike anything he had ever heard before.
Surprisingly, the music wasn't too bad, but it wasn't anything particularly noteworthy. Soon, Sylvana noticed that Wolverine was watching her, and an argument ensued between the two. Lee tapped her fingers against a nearby table until she sighed in exasperation.
“Something wrong?” Ian asked.
“I'm bored,” Lee replied. “I'm going to pull an Acacia and go take some pretty photos.”
“Of what?”
Lee considered this for a moment. “I think I'll get some pictures of the Danger Room and Cerebro. Oh, and some of the grounds, obviously,” she said. “I'll catch up with you soon.”
“Okay, but be careful,” Ian said as Lee got her digital camera out of her satchel. “Don't go activating anything you shouldn't or waking anyone.”
Lee smiled slightly. “I'm not a newbie, Ian, I know how to handle myself. Thanks for your concern, though; I really do appreciate it.” With that, she set off into the depths of the Institute, leaving Ian alone to keep an eye on Sylvana and Logan. Ian rolled his eyes fondly and then continued to mark down charges as the night wore on.
---
Lee rejoined Ian after a few hours, and they whiled away the remaining time by playing cards. At around three in the morning, they decided to portal ahead to where the action really took off, given that the both of them were starting to get seriously bored. They emerged in the Danger Room, where the indistinct shapes of ten people stood. Lee glanced ahead in the Words and frowned.
“Ian, you'd best put shields on the both of us if we're going to stay here,” she said. “I don't want to get caught by that energy-draining power of hers.”
“On it.” Ian activated the shields just in time, as Sylvana, who had been practicing her energy draining on Logan, tried to get up, but her legs collapsed under her. When she hit the ground, her control failed. Her brain sent out a shockwave that sucked the energy out of everyone within a mile radius. They were all unconscious, including both her and Logan.
Ian was glad that Lee had had the foresight to read ahead, as he wouldn't have wanted to deal with the inevitable headache that would have ensued from Sylvana's power-burst. “You know, that's another point in her favor,” he mentioned to Lee as they portaled ahead to when Sylvana was just about to wake up.
“Oh? What's that?”
“Well, for one thing, she's affected by her own powers,” Ian said. “For another, she's not perfectly capable with everything she does.”
Lee considered this for a moment, and then nodded. “You're right,” she said. “It's kind of refreshing to see a Sue with realistic flaws.”
Sylvana woke first of all of the people. She looked around her and saw that Logan was unconscious.
Scared out of her mind, she ran to the other areas of the school. In each, everyone was unconscious, sprawled in whatever position they had landed.
Ian and Lee followed Sylvana through the Institute, keeping back a little ways to stay unnoticed. Both agents made various noises of annoyance and disbelief, however, when Sylvana grabbed her Stradivarius violin from the music room before leaving the Institute.
“Where the hell did she get a Stradivarius?” Ian snapped as Lee opened a portal.
“Probably from her long-lost parents or something,” Lee said as she went through the portal. She emerged in an alley in Rome, which was where the Professor had tracked Sylvana to. Ian followed after Lee, dropping the shields around the two of them as he did so.
“Come on,” Lee said, catching hold of Ian's hand and pulling him into the crowded Italian streets. Logan and Scott were already in Rome, as were Storm and Beast. Logan and Scott were searching for Sylvana, and had been for a week, according to the Words.
[Logan] had gotten more and more irritable with each passing day that he couldn't find her. Last night, he hadn't even come back to the room. He just stayed out all night, walking around and hoping he'd see her.
He had, in fact, spotted her that very evening. He had been sitting by the Fountain of the Three Rivers when he'd seen her on the other side of Piazza Navona. She had a small bag in her hand.
“There they are,” Lee said once she and Ian had caught up with Logan and Sylvana. It took Ian a moment to realize that Lee hadn't let go of his hand, but the thought that it didn't really bother him had barely begun to cross his mind when Lee released his hand. She moved forwards and picked up the bag Sylvana-- and subsequently, Logan --had dropped.
“Hmm,” she said as she returned to Ian. “All we need is some mozzarella and we'd be set for caprese.”
“We could always get some in the next scene,” Ian suggested. “I know that I'm starting to get hungry. What about you?”
Lee nodded. “Yeah, I could go for something to eat,” she said. She put the bag of food into her satchel and then opened a portal to the next scene. The two agents stepped through into a busy crowd, both thankful for the SEP fields that kept their sudden appearance from being noticed. They picked up a few things from the stalls that surrounded the area, occasionally keeping an eye on Logan, who was sitting in a secluded corner of the market, waiting for Sylvana to show up.
Lee was haggling with a stall owner over the price of a basil plant when Ian tapped her on the shoulder.
“She's here,” he said quietly, nodding discretely at Sylvana, who had just appeared in the crowd. Lee finished up her transaction and joined Ian in watching as Logan took off at a sprint for her, reaching her in seconds and most certainly before she could react. He grabbed her arm, holding on tightly, and said more sincerely than anything he had ever said before, "Don't run, Fairy."
"Why not?" came her cruel reply.
"We miss you. We want you back," he said.
Lee surreptitiously pointed her CAD at Logan, wanting to see how OOC the famed mutant was. The display read [James 'Logan' Howlett. Canon. Mutant. Codename: Wolverine. OOC: 24.7%]
“He's not too bad, actually,” she informed Ian as Logan and Sylvana continued to talk. “I mean, he acted this way a little with Rogue in the movies, so there's canon precedent for this kind of behavior.”
“Yeah, but--” Ian stopped and then winced. “That's why this feels familiar. She's copying Rogue's character arc in X-1. Not event for event, thankfully, but still...”
“I've already got that down as a charge,” Lee said. “Come on; I think we can wrap this mission up in the next chapter. Before we get her, though, we should loot what instruments we can carry, including that violin.”
“Good idea,” Ian said. Lee opened a portal back to the Institute, making sure that it opened in Sylvana's music room. It took the two of them a good fifteen minutes to shift all the instruments to their RC; at the end, only the piano and organ were left behind.
“Where do you think the violin is?” Lee asked after she finished putting the cello in her bedroom. For being Generic Instruments, the musical objects were surprisingly well made. Lee knew she'd like to try out the cello, for example, as she used to play one all throughout middle and high school. Ian checked the Words, his gaze fixing on something only he could see before he spoke.
“From what I can tell, it's most likely somewhere on the Blackbird,” he said. “That's the last place it's mentioned.”
“Cool. I'll grab it and then we can get her taken care of,” Lee said. “I want to get home soon.”
“Yeah, me too.”
---
Once Lee had retrieved the violin-- which, as it turned out, had been made by someone name Suedivarius --Ian and Lee portaled ahead just in time to hear Professor Xavier greet Sylvana.
"Hello, Sylvana."
She smiled in return and said, "Ciao, Professore." (Hello, Professor.)
“Doesn't 'ciao' mean 'goodbye?'” Lee asked Ian, her brow furrowing slightly.
“Well, yes, but it also means hello. A more proper greeting would have been salve, or possibly buon giorno, given that it's morning,” Ian replied. “Whoops, wait, this is our cue.” He pushed the office door open just as Xavier asked Sylvana, "Are you staying, then?"
“No, she isn't,” Ian said, stepping forwards. He had his gun drawn, while Lee had summoned something she had often used during her short tenure as a private detective. She gestured at Sylvana, the motion causing strong, ropy vines to appear out of thin air. They twisted tightly around Sylvana's ankles and wrists, making her overbalance and fall to the floor.
“What's going on here?” Scott demanded.
“We're here to help,” Lee said, holding up the neuralizer. “Look here, please.” She activated the neuralizer, shutting her eyes before she did so. She knew that Ian had done the same, so she didn't have to really worry about him. When Ian nudged her, signaling that the coast was clear, Lee opened her eyes. The canons were all looking blankly at her, and Sylvana was nowhere to be seen. However, a portal was in the approximate area where she had been, so Lee wasn't too worried about her getting in the way.
“Okay, so, none of you have ever met anyone by the name of Sylvana Mezzanotte,” Lee said, “and this whole thing, including our presence here, has been a bad dream that you'll forget once you wake up in the morning. On that note, off to bed, all of you. That includes you, Wolverine, sorry.”
With various nods of agreement, the canons made their way out of the office, Professor X being one of the last ones out. Once everyone had gone, Ian opened another portal-- this one vertical --and stepped through it, with Lee following him through. Her partner was waiting for her on the other side, with the still-bound Sylvana at his feet. They were in a dark concrete room, and Lee could sense the presence of quite a bit of water nearby. That, along with the scorch marks on the wall, clued her in to where they were: Alkali Lake; more specifically, the Alkali Lake facility where Logan had become Weapon X.
“Nice place,” Lee said dryly. She turned to look at Sylvana and sighed. “What are we going to do with her?”
Ian looked at her, surprised. “What do you mean?”
“Well, besides being a Mary Sue and evoking shades of Rogue's character arc, what charges do we have for her that can't be explained away as being part of the X-Men 'Verse?” Lee clarified, turning her attention to Ian, who checked his woefully short charge list.
“Well, there's throwing the canons OOC--”
“--but not by much--”
“...True,” Ian agreed hesitantly. “Um. Hmm. Well, beyond being able to play a boat-load of instruments and being OP, not much, and I'm not sure the former couldn't be a mutation in and of itself,” he continued on. “What are you thinking?”
Lee grinned. “I'm thinking that a trip to Medical, the Marquis, and FicPsych is in order for our newest recruit here. Medical can probably take care of the OP problem; maybe her new mutant power can be the ability to capably play any instrument she picks up. First, though, we'd need to charge her properly. What do you think?”
Ian shrugged. “Maybe we can work something out with the SO for this,” he said, looking thoughtful. “I kind of want to take Sammy somewhere that isn't HQ.”
Lee smiled. “Yeah, that'd be nice.” She turned to Sylvana, who had been watching the exchange suspiciously. “Hey, listen up. We're Agents Keaton and Nahinu of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. We were sent here to stop you from contaminating the X-Men movie-'verse. Now, ordinarily, we'd be kill you right now.”
“After charging you with your crimes against canon, of course,” Ian interjected.
“Right. Anyways, aside from a few things, you're actually not too badly written. So, here's your choice: either come with us, or stay here and die. Now, if I were you, I'd pick the first option, mainly because that way you'd continue to exist.”
“What happens if I go with you?” Sylvana asked. “And why can't I see your minds?”
Lee grinned. “Those bindings have a power-blocking property to them. They feed off your powers and loop it back into themselves to make them even stronger.”
“And to answer your first question,” Ian said, “you'd be working for the PPC, like me and Lee. We go into various fandoms and correct whatever problems that have arisen there thanks to stories called bad fanfiction. The pay is horrible, vacations almost non-existent, the food suspicious, and the medical plan one of the best in the multiverse. It's an insanity-inducing job at times, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.”
Sylvana looked at him skeptically. “You're insane,” she said bluntly.
“Yeah, but it's a good kind of insanity,” Lee said. “So, what d'you think? Want to join up?”
“Seeing as how I'd be dead otherwise, sure, why not?”
“Great. Now, we still need to charge you, but it's more of a formality than anything else,” Ian said, and then looked down at his charge book. “Sylvana Mezzanotte, also known as Mary Sue, we are Agents Nahinu and Keaton of the PPC, and we're here to charge you with crimes against the X-Men movie 'Verse. Your crimes are as follows: Being a Mary Sue. Being overpowered. Having multiple powerful mutations. Throwing the canons of the X-Men movie 'verse OOC. The normal penalty for these crimes would be death, but said penalty has been abstained from for reasons of recruitment. You will be taken to the PPC posthaste to begin intake procedures.”
“You ever think of becoming a lawyer, Ian?” Lee asked wryly.
Ian grinned. “Nah,” he said. “I don't like wearing suits.”
Chuckling, Lee dissolved the bindings on Sylvana's ankles, leaving the other woman's wrists bound behind her back just in case. Sylvana got awkwardly to her feet, struggling a bit without the use of her hands.
“Let's head home,” Lee said. “We should stop by Medical first; they'll need to deal with her powers.”
Ian nodded and opened a portal to Medical. The three of them stepped through, leaving the now-restored X-Men movie 'verse behind.
Fandom: X-Men movie 'verse
[Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, who have graciously allowed others into their sandbox. I don't own anything recognizable in this parodic story save for the characters of Ian and Lee. “ Discovering Capabilities” belongs to The Avid Musician, who can keep it. X-Men belongs to Marvel Comics, Portal 2 belongs to Valve, and any other recognizable things belong to their various owners. This is unbetaed, so all mistakes not native to the badfic being sporked are mine. Thanks to Sergio Turbo for the information about the Italian.]
The sounds of muttering, electronic beeps, metal-on-metal, and, incongruously enough, smooth jazz filled the main room of RC 6237. The former three were coming from the general direction of the console, while the smooth jazz-- which had just cut out suddenly --had been coming from the speakers of a laptop. Lee was playing Portal 2 while she and Ian waited for the DoSAT technician's final verdict on their console. Ian sat next to Lee, watching her play through the early levels of the game and occasionally making comments about what was happening on-screen. Their dæmons lounged on the floor at their feet, with Roshaun sprawled comfortably across Nucifera's body.
The technician extricated herself from the innards of the console ten minutes after the smooth jazz had been deployed, bringing several dust bunnies and one extremely deaf moth with her. She got to her feet, brushing off the dust and sending the moth flying away, only for it to be caught in Mr. Wesley's web. Ian looked up at the cessation of repair-y noises, and then tapped Lee on the shoulder. She looked up, saw the technician putting the front of the console back on, and then paused and saved her game before setting the laptop aside. “So, what's the verdict?” she asked, getting to her feet as she spoke. Roshaun leapt up into her arms, nestling against Lee's chest contentedly.
“Well,” the tech began, “apparently, the previous occupants of this RC did some creative maintenance on the console, not to mention the fact that it looks like it's been hit with several different kinds of magical energies. It seems the combination of illicit tech from various continua and the magical energies caused this to happen, and to be honest, I'm not sure where to start.”
She eyed Roshaun and Nucifera momentarily and then shrugged. “I made it so your dæmons are turned invisible when you go on missions, like we do for agents native to the His Dark Materials fandom. Unfortunately, it's going to take a while until anyone can fix this, so as long as your Disguise Generator still works, it's not high priority, especially since the problem isn't life-threatening or going to disrupt the space-time continuum.”
“So, long story short: 'deal with it, and if it becomes a problem, call us?'” Ian asked dryly.
“Basically, yeah,” the tech replied, gathering her things. “Good luck on your next mission, by the way.”
“What did she mean by that?” Nucifera asked after the tech left, closing the door behind her as she went.
“Well, obviously that--” Roshaun began, but was cut off when the console blared out its customary [BEEEEEP!], announcing Ian and Lee's newest mission. Ian got up from the couch and went over to the console, turning the alarm off before reading the Intelligence report. “Hmm,” he murmured thoughtfully as he read.
“What?”
Ian shrugged. “It's a Sue for X-Men. Movie 'verse, by all appearances,” he replied.
“Oh, cool. I haven't been there since I finished training.”
“You actually got training?” Ian asked, amused.
“Well, most people would call it 'being sent on a few missions with an agent one really awful fic away from going “Mr. Rogers!”', but I prefer to think of it as a sort of character building time of my life,” Lee said nostalgically as Ian set their disguises. They'd be going as Generic Mutants, with Lee naturally having elemental-based powers, and Ian being able to generate both mental and physical shields.
“That must have been interesting,” Ian commented as the portal opened on the wall. Lee smiled as she finished writing a note for Sammy, who was sleeping at the moment, and then nodded.
“That's one way to put it,” Roshaun said from his perch on Lee's shoulders. Ian chuckled softly as he stepped through the portal, Nucifera at his side.
Lee followed after him, emerging into the woods of upstate New York. Ian pulled her behind a large oak tree, slipping a broad hand over her mouth to stifle the noise of surprise she instinctively made at his actions. “Shh,” he murmured. “The Sue's nearby.”
Lee nodded, so Ian let her go and peeked around the tree to see that the Sue, who was named Sylvana, had looked up at the sun-kissed leaves overhead. She smiled and walked on.
However, she stropped abruptly a little farther on.
“Huh,” Lee muttered, tilting her head curiously. “I've never seen a Sue try to sharpen a straight razor like that before.”
“Yeah,” Ian replied. He scanned ahead in the Words and frowned. “Not much happens in this half of the chapter, besides Professor Xavier inviting Sylvana to the Institute, which isn't too out of character for him.”
“True,” Lee agreed, marking down the charge of 'ESP doesn't work that way!' when Sylvana mentioned that she'd be able to find her way to the Institute after Professor Xavier said, "Alright," he answered, "Would you like me to send someone for you?"
"No," she said, "I have ESP."
“So, portal ahead?”
“Yep,” Ian said, and then opened a portal to the second half of the chapter. They stepped through into an empty room next to Professor X's office, where Sylvana and the Professor were talking.
"Professor Xavier?" she asked.
The man looked up and smiled when he saw her. "Yes, my dear, and what is your name?"
"Sylvana Mezzanotte," she answered.
“Oh, how... cute,” Lee said, rolling her eyes.
“It gets worse,” Ian told her.
“It always does.”
"Pleased to meet you, Sylvana. Please, sit," he said kindly.
She sat in the chair across from him before saying, "So this is your school."
"Yes…Forgive me for asking, but how far are you in your schooling?"
"I was kicked out from my second year at Harvard because I was a mutant," she said bitterly. A bad taste came into her mouth with that memory.
This time, it was Ian's turn to roll his eyes. “Oh, you poor thing, you got kicked out of Harvard.” He shook his head. “Why is it always the Ivy League schools that attract Sues?”
“I wonder why it took them two years to chuck her out, if she was a known mutant?” Lee added. “Also, wouldn't it make more sense for someone with red eyes, like Ms. Musical Lady over there, to have brown contacts rather than blue?”
“It'd be less noticeable, that's for sure, and she could probably pass them off as being an odd shade of dark brown,” Ian hazarded, and then swore softly at what Sylvana said in response to a question Professor X asked her:
"What did you study?" he asked, very curious.
"Music," she said promptly.
"What instrument?" he asked.
"I can play piano, violin, trumpet, clarinet, flute, oboe, cello, organ, vocal, viola, trombone, and tuba," she said, ticking them off on her fingers as she listed them.
“Oh, wonderful, an Overachiever!Sue,” Lee said, her nose wrinkling in disgust. “Not my favorite.”
“What, you have one?” Ian asked, amused.
“Not really. Also, 'vocal' is not an instrument.”
“Well, I suppose can say one thing for this 'fic,” Lee said as the chapter drew to a close.
“Oh? What's that?” Ian asked.
“At least the grammar and spelling are pretty good. It doesn't hurt to look at the Words,” Lee said, noting down the charge of 'misusing Institute resources' to the list when Professor Xavier offered to use the Blackbird to retrieve Sylvana's instruments from Harvard, rather than say, having them shipped via traditional means.
“Why does she need all those instruments, anyways?” Ian asked as the room darkened around them. The next chapter had started, and it was now night time. Logan walked down the hall of the Institute. The moon shone through the windows, lighting his way. No one else was ever up at this time, which was why he liked it. The two agents followed after him, keeping well behind the famous mutant just in case. Ian had activated physical shields around both him and Lee in order to dull their scents and the sounds of their heartbeats, as he wasn't sure the SEP field would be totally effective against Wolverine's super senses; the resultant visual effect was a slight blue shimmer that surrounded the two of them.
It turned out that the shields weren't necessary, as Wolverine was fixated on the music coming from a room in an undefined part of the Institute. Curious, he began to walk toward the violist. A minute later, Logan stood outside the room the sound was coming from. He poked his head into the room.
Inside with her back turned, a girl…no, young woman stood. Her hair fell down her back, moving slightly as her arm moved back and forth. Her other arm held up the violin which she played. Her music was unlike anything he had ever heard before.
Surprisingly, the music wasn't too bad, but it wasn't anything particularly noteworthy. Soon, Sylvana noticed that Wolverine was watching her, and an argument ensued between the two. Lee tapped her fingers against a nearby table until she sighed in exasperation.
“Something wrong?” Ian asked.
“I'm bored,” Lee replied. “I'm going to pull an Acacia and go take some pretty photos.”
“Of what?”
Lee considered this for a moment. “I think I'll get some pictures of the Danger Room and Cerebro. Oh, and some of the grounds, obviously,” she said. “I'll catch up with you soon.”
“Okay, but be careful,” Ian said as Lee got her digital camera out of her satchel. “Don't go activating anything you shouldn't or waking anyone.”
Lee smiled slightly. “I'm not a newbie, Ian, I know how to handle myself. Thanks for your concern, though; I really do appreciate it.” With that, she set off into the depths of the Institute, leaving Ian alone to keep an eye on Sylvana and Logan. Ian rolled his eyes fondly and then continued to mark down charges as the night wore on.
---
Lee rejoined Ian after a few hours, and they whiled away the remaining time by playing cards. At around three in the morning, they decided to portal ahead to where the action really took off, given that the both of them were starting to get seriously bored. They emerged in the Danger Room, where the indistinct shapes of ten people stood. Lee glanced ahead in the Words and frowned.
“Ian, you'd best put shields on the both of us if we're going to stay here,” she said. “I don't want to get caught by that energy-draining power of hers.”
“On it.” Ian activated the shields just in time, as Sylvana, who had been practicing her energy draining on Logan, tried to get up, but her legs collapsed under her. When she hit the ground, her control failed. Her brain sent out a shockwave that sucked the energy out of everyone within a mile radius. They were all unconscious, including both her and Logan.
Ian was glad that Lee had had the foresight to read ahead, as he wouldn't have wanted to deal with the inevitable headache that would have ensued from Sylvana's power-burst. “You know, that's another point in her favor,” he mentioned to Lee as they portaled ahead to when Sylvana was just about to wake up.
“Oh? What's that?”
“Well, for one thing, she's affected by her own powers,” Ian said. “For another, she's not perfectly capable with everything she does.”
Lee considered this for a moment, and then nodded. “You're right,” she said. “It's kind of refreshing to see a Sue with realistic flaws.”
Sylvana woke first of all of the people. She looked around her and saw that Logan was unconscious.
Scared out of her mind, she ran to the other areas of the school. In each, everyone was unconscious, sprawled in whatever position they had landed.
Ian and Lee followed Sylvana through the Institute, keeping back a little ways to stay unnoticed. Both agents made various noises of annoyance and disbelief, however, when Sylvana grabbed her Stradivarius violin from the music room before leaving the Institute.
“Where the hell did she get a Stradivarius?” Ian snapped as Lee opened a portal.
“Probably from her long-lost parents or something,” Lee said as she went through the portal. She emerged in an alley in Rome, which was where the Professor had tracked Sylvana to. Ian followed after Lee, dropping the shields around the two of them as he did so.
“Come on,” Lee said, catching hold of Ian's hand and pulling him into the crowded Italian streets. Logan and Scott were already in Rome, as were Storm and Beast. Logan and Scott were searching for Sylvana, and had been for a week, according to the Words.
[Logan] had gotten more and more irritable with each passing day that he couldn't find her. Last night, he hadn't even come back to the room. He just stayed out all night, walking around and hoping he'd see her.
He had, in fact, spotted her that very evening. He had been sitting by the Fountain of the Three Rivers when he'd seen her on the other side of Piazza Navona. She had a small bag in her hand.
“There they are,” Lee said once she and Ian had caught up with Logan and Sylvana. It took Ian a moment to realize that Lee hadn't let go of his hand, but the thought that it didn't really bother him had barely begun to cross his mind when Lee released his hand. She moved forwards and picked up the bag Sylvana-- and subsequently, Logan --had dropped.
“Hmm,” she said as she returned to Ian. “All we need is some mozzarella and we'd be set for caprese.”
“We could always get some in the next scene,” Ian suggested. “I know that I'm starting to get hungry. What about you?”
Lee nodded. “Yeah, I could go for something to eat,” she said. She put the bag of food into her satchel and then opened a portal to the next scene. The two agents stepped through into a busy crowd, both thankful for the SEP fields that kept their sudden appearance from being noticed. They picked up a few things from the stalls that surrounded the area, occasionally keeping an eye on Logan, who was sitting in a secluded corner of the market, waiting for Sylvana to show up.
Lee was haggling with a stall owner over the price of a basil plant when Ian tapped her on the shoulder.
“She's here,” he said quietly, nodding discretely at Sylvana, who had just appeared in the crowd. Lee finished up her transaction and joined Ian in watching as Logan took off at a sprint for her, reaching her in seconds and most certainly before she could react. He grabbed her arm, holding on tightly, and said more sincerely than anything he had ever said before, "Don't run, Fairy."
"Why not?" came her cruel reply.
"We miss you. We want you back," he said.
Lee surreptitiously pointed her CAD at Logan, wanting to see how OOC the famed mutant was. The display read [James 'Logan' Howlett. Canon. Mutant. Codename: Wolverine. OOC: 24.7%]
“He's not too bad, actually,” she informed Ian as Logan and Sylvana continued to talk. “I mean, he acted this way a little with Rogue in the movies, so there's canon precedent for this kind of behavior.”
“Yeah, but--” Ian stopped and then winced. “That's why this feels familiar. She's copying Rogue's character arc in X-1. Not event for event, thankfully, but still...”
“I've already got that down as a charge,” Lee said. “Come on; I think we can wrap this mission up in the next chapter. Before we get her, though, we should loot what instruments we can carry, including that violin.”
“Good idea,” Ian said. Lee opened a portal back to the Institute, making sure that it opened in Sylvana's music room. It took the two of them a good fifteen minutes to shift all the instruments to their RC; at the end, only the piano and organ were left behind.
“Where do you think the violin is?” Lee asked after she finished putting the cello in her bedroom. For being Generic Instruments, the musical objects were surprisingly well made. Lee knew she'd like to try out the cello, for example, as she used to play one all throughout middle and high school. Ian checked the Words, his gaze fixing on something only he could see before he spoke.
“From what I can tell, it's most likely somewhere on the Blackbird,” he said. “That's the last place it's mentioned.”
“Cool. I'll grab it and then we can get her taken care of,” Lee said. “I want to get home soon.”
“Yeah, me too.”
---
Once Lee had retrieved the violin-- which, as it turned out, had been made by someone name Suedivarius --Ian and Lee portaled ahead just in time to hear Professor Xavier greet Sylvana.
"Hello, Sylvana."
She smiled in return and said, "Ciao, Professore." (Hello, Professor.)
“Doesn't 'ciao' mean 'goodbye?'” Lee asked Ian, her brow furrowing slightly.
“Well, yes, but it also means hello. A more proper greeting would have been salve, or possibly buon giorno, given that it's morning,” Ian replied. “Whoops, wait, this is our cue.” He pushed the office door open just as Xavier asked Sylvana, "Are you staying, then?"
“No, she isn't,” Ian said, stepping forwards. He had his gun drawn, while Lee had summoned something she had often used during her short tenure as a private detective. She gestured at Sylvana, the motion causing strong, ropy vines to appear out of thin air. They twisted tightly around Sylvana's ankles and wrists, making her overbalance and fall to the floor.
“What's going on here?” Scott demanded.
“We're here to help,” Lee said, holding up the neuralizer. “Look here, please.” She activated the neuralizer, shutting her eyes before she did so. She knew that Ian had done the same, so she didn't have to really worry about him. When Ian nudged her, signaling that the coast was clear, Lee opened her eyes. The canons were all looking blankly at her, and Sylvana was nowhere to be seen. However, a portal was in the approximate area where she had been, so Lee wasn't too worried about her getting in the way.
“Okay, so, none of you have ever met anyone by the name of Sylvana Mezzanotte,” Lee said, “and this whole thing, including our presence here, has been a bad dream that you'll forget once you wake up in the morning. On that note, off to bed, all of you. That includes you, Wolverine, sorry.”
With various nods of agreement, the canons made their way out of the office, Professor X being one of the last ones out. Once everyone had gone, Ian opened another portal-- this one vertical --and stepped through it, with Lee following him through. Her partner was waiting for her on the other side, with the still-bound Sylvana at his feet. They were in a dark concrete room, and Lee could sense the presence of quite a bit of water nearby. That, along with the scorch marks on the wall, clued her in to where they were: Alkali Lake; more specifically, the Alkali Lake facility where Logan had become Weapon X.
“Nice place,” Lee said dryly. She turned to look at Sylvana and sighed. “What are we going to do with her?”
Ian looked at her, surprised. “What do you mean?”
“Well, besides being a Mary Sue and evoking shades of Rogue's character arc, what charges do we have for her that can't be explained away as being part of the X-Men 'Verse?” Lee clarified, turning her attention to Ian, who checked his woefully short charge list.
“Well, there's throwing the canons OOC--”
“--but not by much--”
“...True,” Ian agreed hesitantly. “Um. Hmm. Well, beyond being able to play a boat-load of instruments and being OP, not much, and I'm not sure the former couldn't be a mutation in and of itself,” he continued on. “What are you thinking?”
Lee grinned. “I'm thinking that a trip to Medical, the Marquis, and FicPsych is in order for our newest recruit here. Medical can probably take care of the OP problem; maybe her new mutant power can be the ability to capably play any instrument she picks up. First, though, we'd need to charge her properly. What do you think?”
Ian shrugged. “Maybe we can work something out with the SO for this,” he said, looking thoughtful. “I kind of want to take Sammy somewhere that isn't HQ.”
Lee smiled. “Yeah, that'd be nice.” She turned to Sylvana, who had been watching the exchange suspiciously. “Hey, listen up. We're Agents Keaton and Nahinu of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. We were sent here to stop you from contaminating the X-Men movie-'verse. Now, ordinarily, we'd be kill you right now.”
“After charging you with your crimes against canon, of course,” Ian interjected.
“Right. Anyways, aside from a few things, you're actually not too badly written. So, here's your choice: either come with us, or stay here and die. Now, if I were you, I'd pick the first option, mainly because that way you'd continue to exist.”
“What happens if I go with you?” Sylvana asked. “And why can't I see your minds?”
Lee grinned. “Those bindings have a power-blocking property to them. They feed off your powers and loop it back into themselves to make them even stronger.”
“And to answer your first question,” Ian said, “you'd be working for the PPC, like me and Lee. We go into various fandoms and correct whatever problems that have arisen there thanks to stories called bad fanfiction. The pay is horrible, vacations almost non-existent, the food suspicious, and the medical plan one of the best in the multiverse. It's an insanity-inducing job at times, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.”
Sylvana looked at him skeptically. “You're insane,” she said bluntly.
“Yeah, but it's a good kind of insanity,” Lee said. “So, what d'you think? Want to join up?”
“Seeing as how I'd be dead otherwise, sure, why not?”
“Great. Now, we still need to charge you, but it's more of a formality than anything else,” Ian said, and then looked down at his charge book. “Sylvana Mezzanotte, also known as Mary Sue, we are Agents Nahinu and Keaton of the PPC, and we're here to charge you with crimes against the X-Men movie 'Verse. Your crimes are as follows: Being a Mary Sue. Being overpowered. Having multiple powerful mutations. Throwing the canons of the X-Men movie 'verse OOC. The normal penalty for these crimes would be death, but said penalty has been abstained from for reasons of recruitment. You will be taken to the PPC posthaste to begin intake procedures.”
“You ever think of becoming a lawyer, Ian?” Lee asked wryly.
Ian grinned. “Nah,” he said. “I don't like wearing suits.”
Chuckling, Lee dissolved the bindings on Sylvana's ankles, leaving the other woman's wrists bound behind her back just in case. Sylvana got awkwardly to her feet, struggling a bit without the use of her hands.
“Let's head home,” Lee said. “We should stop by Medical first; they'll need to deal with her powers.”
Ian nodded and opened a portal to Medical. The three of them stepped through, leaving the now-restored X-Men movie 'verse behind.