Mission 4: What If? ( Part 1/2)
Rating: PG-13/T
Fandom: Harry Potter
[The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, who have graciously allowed others into their sandbox. I don't own anything recognizable in this story save for the characters of Ian and Lee. "What if? The Potter Twins?" belongs to Ember Darla, who's more than welcome to it. Harry Potter and its associated franchise belongs to J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. ]
Ian made his way through the gray corridors of HQ, listening to some E.S. Posthumus on his iPod and idly going through the mail he'd retrieved from the Postal Department. One of the good things about living and working at the PPC was that he didn't have to worry about credit cards and other bills, as the agents tended to run on more of a barter system than any organized form of currency, preferring shiny objects collected during missions over bits of linen and paper. Gold, however, was always acceptable, as it fit both categories nicely, and was a familiar unit of currency in many continua.
'Hmm. Junk mail, junk mail, ad for-' He stopped dead in his tracks, looking bemusedly at the leaflet he held in his hand. 'How to Grow Your Own Garden Gnome!! That's... odd. Huh. Two exclamation points. Well, at least it wasn't five.'
Ian continued on his way, sorting through the rest of the mail and making sure that his was kept separate from Lee's. Admittedly, neither got all that much personal mail, as most of it was junk and summarily thrown out, but still,it was always nice just to get mail. Pocketing his mail, Ian found himself in front of his Response Center. Just as he opened the door, he heard a cry of 'No, wait! Don't-!' right before he was thrown across the hall and slammed into the wall across from the door. He landed in a dazed heap, Lee's mail scattering and then slowly fluttering down around him.
'Oh, gods, Ian! Ian, are you okay?'
Lee hurried over to Ian, biting her lip as she stopped and knelt down next to him. He blinked muzzily up at her, and then asked in the vaguely confused tones of the mildly concussed, 'What the hell just happened to me?'
'I-Um, sorry. I was doing an experiment with various Suvian artifacts that I've picked up over my time here, trying to find a protection spell that'll repel non-canon Suvian magic. I figured it out, but then one of the artifacts started going haywire and throwing off random magic, which was when you opened the door. Are you okay?' Lee asked once more, looking worried. 'I could've sworn I put up a warning sign...'
'I think I need to go to Medical,' Ian replied, but before Lee could get him to his feet and take him to Medical, the console blared its customary [BEEEEEEEP!] to warn them of an incoming mission.
'Damn,' Lee muttered, carefully pulling Ian to his feet. It probably wasn't the best thing to do, but Duty called, and it was inescapable. The two agents made their way into their RC and shut the door behind them, leaving the few pieces of Lee's mail behind on the floor. Due to the ever-shifting nature of HQ, they would eventually be found by a wandering mini-Balrog and summarily burned to a unrecognizable crisp, never to be seen again.
---
'So, what is it that has the console going crazy?' Ian asked as Lee hit the button to turn off the alarm. As Lee looked over the mission synopsis, something happened that Ian never would've expected from his partner: she smiled, revealing her sharper-than-most canine teeth.
'Lee?'
'It's a Twin!Sue for Harry Potter. From what the report says, the 'Sue goes through the first year and part of the second year-- well, sort of, anyways, --plays merry hell with canon, and creates...' she trailed off, eyes widening slightly. 'A grand total of twenty-two mini-Aragogs, two of whom are registered with HFA. Hey, do you think we could keep one?'
'I don't know. Do you really want to have a big spider in the room?'
'Yes, actually. Besides, I rather like mini-Aragogs.'
Ian shrugged, taking some Bleeprin to help with his headache. Lee had done a quick check of his pupil responses, performed a healing spell that was supposed to take care of any possibility of him having a concussion, and then started bustling about finding out what was going on with the mission. The spell hadn't done much for the headache, however, thus the Bleeprin.
'Well, that's your choice, I guess. You'll have to feed it, though.'
'Eee, yay!' Lee, in a sudden bout of gleeful happiness, bounced over to Ian after setting the disguises (second-year Gryffindors, as the 'fic followed the Golden Trio and various accompanying characters with very little describing of the other Houses), and gave him a hug before letting him go and going over to the weapons cabinet.
'Hey, can I test out my spell in this fic?' she asked him, grabbing their wands (10", phoenix feather, cedar for her and 13", dragon heartstring, teak for Ian) and handing Ian's to him while pocketing her own.
'On who?' Ian replied, taking his wand and then grabbing his notebook and pen. They probably wouldn't need their large packs for this mission, he decided, so he picked up one of the smaller backpacks they kept around for missions such as this and began to put his stuff in it, including a magically modified Walkman, a copy of both The Sorcerer's Stone and Chamber of Secrets, his CAD, the D.O.R.K.S, and a few other things, not least of which was a large supply of Bleeprin and some specialty dark chocolate that had almonds and sea salt in it.
'Um, I was hoping you, actually, 'cause I can't put it on myself, and honestly, what better time is there to try it out, if not with a Harry Potter 'Sue who's bound to cast non-canon spells?'
Ian looked at Lee's eager face and then sighed. 'Oh, all right,' he said, giving in to his partner's puppy-dog eyes. 'But this better not turn my hair urple or anything.'
'Don't worry, it shouldn't. Or at least, I don't think it will...' she muttered.
'Wait, what?'
'Hold still.' Lee said, and then began chanting softly in Lithrani. A soft blue glow surrounded her hands and as her chanting continued on, she moved forward until she stood in front of Ian. She then traced a symbol on the upper right side of his chest, right under his clavicle. The blue glow flared and then died, leaving Ian to blink the spots out of his eyes.
'Did it work?'
'I think so. Unbutton your shirt so I can check and then we can go.'
'Wait, check what?' Ian asked suspiciously. Lee sighed.
'There's a symbol of protection-- or at least, there should be --on your skin. If it's there, the spell worked. If it's not, it didn't. It's that simple.' she told him. Ian shrugged and unbuttoned the dress shirt he was wearing just enough for Lee to see the dark blue mark on his skin. It looked like a yin-yang symbol, save for being on its side and not enclosed in a circle.
'Perfect,' Lee said with a grin. 'Okay, let's get going. There's a 'Sue that needs to be killed, and we're the ones to do it.'
Ian smiled, buttoned his shirt back up, and then followed Lee through the portal and into the story.
---
They entered the story about an eighth of the way through the first chapter, right when the 'Sue, Harry, and the Dursleys were headed to the zoo to celebrate Dudley's birthday. The two agents now had the appearance of two second years, both dressed in Muggle clothing thanks to their D.O.R.K.S., which was currently in the form of a spiral-bound notebook that Ian was carrying. Lee was keeping the charge list, having already noted down the all-important charges of Hayley Potter being a Mary Sue and the non-canonical twin sister of Harry Potter. They watched as Harry and Hayley interacted with the Burmese Python, Lee wincing when Hayley asked if the snake was from "Burmer", wherever that might be. So far, the mission seemed to be a simple rehashing of the first book, though the author had mixed the movie 'Verse and the book 'Verse together, making the canonical scenery try to fit both descriptions at one time.
Ian and Lee followed the 'Sue through the events of the the day, and then portaled to Diagon Alley, which, according to the Suethor, was located in London, Europe, and not London, England, as it normally was. Ian changed their disguises to the black robes they'd be wearing the rest of the mission, complete with Gryffindor patches on them and red trim on their cloaks, the D.O.R.K.S. changing into a spell-book with its characteristic prrrp sound right before Ian put it into his pack. They wandered along after Harry, Hagrid, and Hayley, collecting the first of the mini-Aragogs of the mission, Gringgotts. While the three wizards were in Gringotts, Ian and Lee got some ice cream from Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor for themselves, and then got some raw eel liver from one of the apothecaries for Gringgotts and Ollivanders, who had joined them right before they went into the apothecary. The two agents stocked up on the liver, Ian putting the wax paper package into his pack before they portaled to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters and then boarded the Hogwarts Express, finding a compartment near the one Harry, the 'Sue, and the rest of the Golden Trio would sit in.
As they waited for the 'Sue and Harry to get to the train, Lee and Ian caught up on the charges they'd missed when they'd portaled ahead. There weren't very much, though the fact that Hayley somehow had received her mother's wand at Ollivander's made Ian have to hold back Lee from barging into the compartment where Hayley, Harry, and Ron were now sitting and killing Hayley before the proper time. They waited out the ride to Hogwarts by playing several rounds of Cripple Mister Onion before Hermione came into the picture via the canonical plot device of Neville's lost toad Trevor. Ian and Lee slid open the door to watch the dialogue between Hermione, Ron and Harry. As they watched, the mini-Aragog Berty Bott's scuttled over to them, joining its fellows in Ian and Lee's compartment.
Suddenly, Professor McGonagall appeared out of thin air in the corridor as Ginny, who had been made Ron's twin sister rather than his year-younger sister, froze Trevor in midair with an uncanonical freezing spell. The first chapter ended soon after that and then segued clumsily into the second, with all the first-years getting into the boats for the traditional ride across the Great Lake. Ian and Lee portaled to the Great Hall, where they quickly found seats at the Gryffindor table with a good view of the Hall's doors as well as the teachers' table. Scanning the Words, Ian found that Ron apparently had "hammy-down robes", whatever those might be, and that McGonagall had delivered her movie 'Verse speech rather than her book 'Verse one.
The doors to the Great Hall opened and the first years trooped in, led by Professor McGonagall. As the first years passed the Gryffindor table, Lee sniggered and pointed out Ron's robes. The Laws of Comedy had decided to kick in at that moment, creating the "hammy-down robes" of the Suethor's previous description. Slices of ham were attached to Ron's robes, occasionally falling off and creating a slip-hazard for his fellow incoming students. Ian had to bite his lip to stop himself from bursting out in loud laughter, but soon sobered up when Professor Dumbledore stood up and made his start of term speech well before he was scheduled to, which unfortunately wasn't a charge, as it was part of the movie 'Verse canon, but it still grated on the agents' nerves, as did the mangled Sorting scene. They watched the Sorting with vague interest, glad that they could hear the Hat's supposed "inner" dialogue with the students.
'Wait, what?' Lee sputtered as the Hat started going on about how Hayley had been to Hogwarts before, but as someone else, as well as maybe even marrying a prankster in her future. 'Oh, gods, you have got to be kidding me,' she continued on, staring dumbstruck at Hayley as she walked over to the Gryffindor table and sat down next to Harry. 'That's horrible foreshadowing, not to mention a godsawful intimation of the reincarnation of Lily Potter, which just ruins the point of her character and her sacrifice.'
'Calm down, Lee,' Ian murmured as Ginny got Sorted into Gryffindor, and the mini-Aragog Ginerva joined its associates hiding under the Gryffindor table. Dumbledore started the feast, leaving the rest of the first years where they were, as it hadn't been mentioned that they'd been Sorted, and the two agents dug into the meal before them. Since the Suethor hadn't described it, the feast defaulted to the canonical Hogwarts feast, so Ian and Lee made sure to save as much of the food as they could in some of the cloth napkins from the table and then stored it in their packs, making sure to put as much meat in their packs as they could, adding to the store of eel liver that they would give to the mini-Aragogs. They followed Percy and the rest of Gryffindor House to the Gryffindor Common Room, where Percy made his short speech about where the boys' and girls' dormitories were, and then dismissed the first years to their beds.
Ian and Lee stayed down in the Common Room, watching the insipid scene of Harry and Hayley exchanging notes through the windows of their dormitories via the Words of the story, which they were able to do so thanks to the Suethor mangling the school's architecture. Ian was working on the intricate cross-stitch project he kept in his pack for longer missions, while Lee was reading Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett. They didn't get much, if any, sleep, as there weren't any scene breaks between when the first years went to bed and when Harry and Ron were running to get to their first Transfiguration class of the year. The two agents slipped into the back of the class via a portal right outside the classroom, taking their seats right before Harry and Ron burst into the classroom.
'How the hell did Harry know that McGonagall was the c-' Ian began, but stopped speaking and instead watched in mounting horror as Harry went on to poorly explain something about knowing that the cat waiting on the desk at the front of the room was Professor McGonagall due to the fact that he'd seen her before at Mrs. Figg's place. Or at least, that's what Ian assumed. The way Harry described it was confusing, to say the least.
Suddenly, the door opened and Snape entered, and due to the lack of scene breaks, the Potions professor was now teaching his craft in the Transfiguration room. Hayley suddenly disappeared and then ran back in through the door a few seconds later, right after Snape had finished grilling Harry about what would happen if he "added powdered root of acidio to an infusion of woodward". Right after that happened, Ian and Lee were dragged to the Gryffindor Common Room, thanks to yet another abrupt scene change.
'I can see a pattern starting to emerge with this Suethor,' Lee grumbled as Ian helped her up off the floor. 'What's wrong with using scene breaks, I ask you?'
'Nothing, of course, as long as they're used properly,' Ian replied, shaking his head. 'Come on, it's time for the flying lesson.'
'Do we have to go?' Lee asked, throwing a few pieces of bacon to the minis that were following them and idly giving a few extra to Mr. Wesley, who had joined the small retinue in McGonagall's class.
'Hmm. Probably not,' Ian said, his gaze going unfocused as he read the Words. 'It looks like all the 'Sue does is manage to get her and Ginny on the Gryffindor Quidditch team as reserve Beaters.'
'Good,' Lee said, settling in one of the squashy armchairs that littered the Common Room. 'You know, we should probably check the oocness of Ron and Hermione and the rest of the canons while Hayley and Harry aren't here.'
'Yeah, you're probably right,' Ian agreed, and then took out his CAD. He turned it on and pointed it at Fred, who was sitting nearby and talking with George.
[Fred Weasley. Canon. Male. OOC: 14.7%]
He then checked George, who showed pretty much the same level of oocness.
'Huh,' Ian said, looking surprised.
'What? How bad is it?'
'Not too bad, actually. The 'Sue doesn't seem to have messed with their characterization all that much, thank Glod.' Ian said, putting away the CAD just as Hayley and Harry came into the room. Wesley's and The Borrow wandered over to join the other minis, chattering at them in soft, whispery voices when they came near.
'Let's skip the first bit of the next chapter, Ian,' Lee said, scanning ahead in the Words. 'There's an Author's Note I'd like to bypass, as well as some idiocy about Ron and Harry randomly seeing Fluffy for no discernible reason. That way we can get breakfast if you want.'
'Sounds good to me,' Ian replied, getting up from his seat. 'Besides, I think we're going to need more meat soon, bacon preferably. I've run out of eel liver, anyways, so we can't use that any more.'
Lee nodded and opened up a portal, she and Ian nipping through just as the chapter ended. They emerged into the Great Hall during breakfast time, and quickly found seats at the Gryffindor table, near enough to the 'Sue so they could overhear what was going on, but far enough away that the Suefluence didn't bother them. Ian began eating and stocking up on bacon, though Lee was more interested in writing down the charges against the 'Sue and taking surreptitious character readings with her CAD. A sudden time shift rippled over them, making the two agents feel nauseous. Luckily, though, the scene didn't change to a different locale, but it had shifted to be set during dinner time.
'Oh, gods, how much of a time shift was that?' Lee groaned, releasing her death grip on the table in front of her.
'It looks like we just jumped to Hallowe'en,' Ian told her. 'The dinner feast, according to the Words, so about a day or so.'
'Wonderful.' Lee shook her head, and then peeked underneath the table at the minis. 'You guys okay? Any newbies?'
'We are fineses,' Mr. Wesley replied, his pincers clacking softly together as he spoke. 'We only haveses two new arrivalses- Longbottem and slythern.'
Said minis waved their forelegs in greeting at Lee, Longbottem looking indefinably nervous as he did so, though it could've been just because it was starting to get quite crowded under the table. Lee straightened back up just in time to hear Neville talking about how Hayley was in the first floor girls' bathroom, crying because a "slythern" girl had been making fun of her. Ian and Lee exchanged exasperated looks; it appeared that this 'Sue, in addition to being a Twin!Sue, was also a SceneStealer!Sue. Just then, Professor Quirrell came running into the Hall, screaming and flailing about there being a troll in the castle. As this was per movie canon, it wasn't a charge in and of itself, though Ian and Lee had agreed that, while amusing in its own way, was kind of annoying.
After Professor Dumbledore had calmed all of the panicking students down, the prefects started to take their respective Houses back to their Common Rooms. Ian and Lee fell in line with the Gryffindors, making sure they stayed close to Harry, Ron, Hermione, George, and Fred, as they were due to go off and save Hayley from the troll any minute now.
'There they go,' Ian muttered. Lee nodded and the two agents peeled away from the rest of the Gryffindors, keeping just far enough behind the canons to not be noticed but close enough to keep up with the action. They hid themselves just outside the girls' bathroom in an alcove behind a statue of a rather broad wizard. The alcove was large enough for both agents and all of the minis to fit comfortably.
They were watching the action via the Words when suddenly Lee smacked Ian excitedly on the arm.
'Ow!' Ian said, surprised. 'What was that for?'
'Look!' Lee replied, waving one hand in the vague direction of the Words. 'The Suethor made a mistake.'
'Of course she did. What else is new?'
'But this mistake is a new recruit,' Lee said smugly. 'Look at what the Words say: "David had picked up a board sized piece of the stall and began hitting the troll." There's not supposed to be a David in that group, and since he's only mentioned for one sentence, we can recruit him.'
'Hmm. We'll have to wait until the scene's over to do so, though.' Ian mused.
They sat there for a while, and then Lee suddenly broke the silence with a question.
'Hey, Ian, does Great Britain get tornadoes?'
'What?'
'The Suethor says that Hayley was "huddled in a ball in the 'Tornado Position' she and Harry were taught in muggle primary school". Would they have actually learned that? I mean, I can understand it if they were from, say, Oklahoma or anywhere else in Tornado Alley, but Great Britain?' Lee asked, looking up from her charge list, a confused expression on her face.
'Actually, they do, though not as much as the 'States,' Ian said, getting up from his seat on the ground. 'The teachers just left, as did the others. Let's go get our new recruit.'
'Shiny,' Lee replied, pocketing her notebook and following Ian out from behind the statue. They went into the bathroom, which was suitably destroyed and still held the troll, as well as a young man. He was barely there in the first place, as he hadn't been described in any way by the Suethor. The entirety of his being was a pale gray, though his skin was a lighter shade of gray than his hair and eyes, but only just. The only color other than gray associated with him was the neat black of the canonical Hogwarts robes he wore. He kept flicking slowly through the age range of eleven to eighteen, changing age every few seconds and growing or shrinking in proportionate height.
'Hello, there,' Ian said, skirting cautiously around the troll and approaching the man. 'Can you tell us your name?'
The man blinked and then focused on Ian, changing from a fifteen-year-old to a sixteen-year-old.
'David?' he said, sounding unsure of himself.
'Well, David, we're here to present you with an opportunity,' Lee told him, coming up next to him.
'What would that be?' David shifted from sixteen to eighteen, though his height didn't change all that much.
'The chance to live and do something with your life, which admittedly is better than what your options are if you stay here,' Lee continued on. 'It's hard work, but it's good work, and we make a difference in a lot of people's lives.'
David considered this for a moment, and then nodded. 'Sounds good,' he said, managing to stay at eighteen for a good minute before changing again. 'Will you be able to fix me? I don't want to keep changing heights all the time.'
'That's not all that's changing, but yeah, Doc Fitzgerald should be able to fix you up. Just tell him what age you want to be-- I'd suggest eighteen or older, by the way --and he should probably be able to pin your temporal gland down.' Ian told him. 'Give us a sec to open up a portal, and then you can be on your way.'
Lee opened a portal to Medical and ushered David in. 'By the way,' she said as they waited for Doctor Fitzgerald or one of the Nurses to arrive, 'you can change your name if you want, once you're taken care of and everything. Make a completely fresh start, that sort of thing. Lots of people do it when they come to the PPC.'
'PPC?'
'Protectors of the Plot Continuum,' Lee told him, and then transferred her attention to Doctor Fitzgerald, who came hurrying over. 'Hello, Doc. We've got a new recruit for ya, but as you can see, his temporal gland's all out of whack and he needs a personality infusion. I've got to get back to my mission.' She turned to David right before she went back through the portal and said, 'Good luck.'
The doctor sighed, looking David up and down. 'Right, then; come this way and we can get started...'
A/N: Part Two should be up relatively soon, once it gets written. A final list of all of the mini-Aragogs will be posted when Part Two is put up.
Fandom: Harry Potter
[The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, who have graciously allowed others into their sandbox. I don't own anything recognizable in this story save for the characters of Ian and Lee. "What if? The Potter Twins?" belongs to Ember Darla, who's more than welcome to it. Harry Potter and its associated franchise belongs to J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. ]
Ian made his way through the gray corridors of HQ, listening to some E.S. Posthumus on his iPod and idly going through the mail he'd retrieved from the Postal Department. One of the good things about living and working at the PPC was that he didn't have to worry about credit cards and other bills, as the agents tended to run on more of a barter system than any organized form of currency, preferring shiny objects collected during missions over bits of linen and paper. Gold, however, was always acceptable, as it fit both categories nicely, and was a familiar unit of currency in many continua.
'Hmm. Junk mail, junk mail, ad for-' He stopped dead in his tracks, looking bemusedly at the leaflet he held in his hand. 'How to Grow Your Own Garden Gnome!! That's... odd. Huh. Two exclamation points. Well, at least it wasn't five.'
Ian continued on his way, sorting through the rest of the mail and making sure that his was kept separate from Lee's. Admittedly, neither got all that much personal mail, as most of it was junk and summarily thrown out, but still,it was always nice just to get mail. Pocketing his mail, Ian found himself in front of his Response Center. Just as he opened the door, he heard a cry of 'No, wait! Don't-!' right before he was thrown across the hall and slammed into the wall across from the door. He landed in a dazed heap, Lee's mail scattering and then slowly fluttering down around him.
'Oh, gods, Ian! Ian, are you okay?'
Lee hurried over to Ian, biting her lip as she stopped and knelt down next to him. He blinked muzzily up at her, and then asked in the vaguely confused tones of the mildly concussed, 'What the hell just happened to me?'
'I-Um, sorry. I was doing an experiment with various Suvian artifacts that I've picked up over my time here, trying to find a protection spell that'll repel non-canon Suvian magic. I figured it out, but then one of the artifacts started going haywire and throwing off random magic, which was when you opened the door. Are you okay?' Lee asked once more, looking worried. 'I could've sworn I put up a warning sign...'
'I think I need to go to Medical,' Ian replied, but before Lee could get him to his feet and take him to Medical, the console blared its customary [BEEEEEEEP!] to warn them of an incoming mission.
'Damn,' Lee muttered, carefully pulling Ian to his feet. It probably wasn't the best thing to do, but Duty called, and it was inescapable. The two agents made their way into their RC and shut the door behind them, leaving the few pieces of Lee's mail behind on the floor. Due to the ever-shifting nature of HQ, they would eventually be found by a wandering mini-Balrog and summarily burned to a unrecognizable crisp, never to be seen again.
---
'So, what is it that has the console going crazy?' Ian asked as Lee hit the button to turn off the alarm. As Lee looked over the mission synopsis, something happened that Ian never would've expected from his partner: she smiled, revealing her sharper-than-most canine teeth.
'Lee?'
'It's a Twin!Sue for Harry Potter. From what the report says, the 'Sue goes through the first year and part of the second year-- well, sort of, anyways, --plays merry hell with canon, and creates...' she trailed off, eyes widening slightly. 'A grand total of twenty-two mini-Aragogs, two of whom are registered with HFA. Hey, do you think we could keep one?'
'I don't know. Do you really want to have a big spider in the room?'
'Yes, actually. Besides, I rather like mini-Aragogs.'
Ian shrugged, taking some Bleeprin to help with his headache. Lee had done a quick check of his pupil responses, performed a healing spell that was supposed to take care of any possibility of him having a concussion, and then started bustling about finding out what was going on with the mission. The spell hadn't done much for the headache, however, thus the Bleeprin.
'Well, that's your choice, I guess. You'll have to feed it, though.'
'Eee, yay!' Lee, in a sudden bout of gleeful happiness, bounced over to Ian after setting the disguises (second-year Gryffindors, as the 'fic followed the Golden Trio and various accompanying characters with very little describing of the other Houses), and gave him a hug before letting him go and going over to the weapons cabinet.
'Hey, can I test out my spell in this fic?' she asked him, grabbing their wands (10", phoenix feather, cedar for her and 13", dragon heartstring, teak for Ian) and handing Ian's to him while pocketing her own.
'On who?' Ian replied, taking his wand and then grabbing his notebook and pen. They probably wouldn't need their large packs for this mission, he decided, so he picked up one of the smaller backpacks they kept around for missions such as this and began to put his stuff in it, including a magically modified Walkman, a copy of both The Sorcerer's Stone and Chamber of Secrets, his CAD, the D.O.R.K.S, and a few other things, not least of which was a large supply of Bleeprin and some specialty dark chocolate that had almonds and sea salt in it.
'Um, I was hoping you, actually, 'cause I can't put it on myself, and honestly, what better time is there to try it out, if not with a Harry Potter 'Sue who's bound to cast non-canon spells?'
Ian looked at Lee's eager face and then sighed. 'Oh, all right,' he said, giving in to his partner's puppy-dog eyes. 'But this better not turn my hair urple or anything.'
'Don't worry, it shouldn't. Or at least, I don't think it will...' she muttered.
'Wait, what?'
'Hold still.' Lee said, and then began chanting softly in Lithrani. A soft blue glow surrounded her hands and as her chanting continued on, she moved forward until she stood in front of Ian. She then traced a symbol on the upper right side of his chest, right under his clavicle. The blue glow flared and then died, leaving Ian to blink the spots out of his eyes.
'Did it work?'
'I think so. Unbutton your shirt so I can check and then we can go.'
'Wait, check what?' Ian asked suspiciously. Lee sighed.
'There's a symbol of protection-- or at least, there should be --on your skin. If it's there, the spell worked. If it's not, it didn't. It's that simple.' she told him. Ian shrugged and unbuttoned the dress shirt he was wearing just enough for Lee to see the dark blue mark on his skin. It looked like a yin-yang symbol, save for being on its side and not enclosed in a circle.
'Perfect,' Lee said with a grin. 'Okay, let's get going. There's a 'Sue that needs to be killed, and we're the ones to do it.'
Ian smiled, buttoned his shirt back up, and then followed Lee through the portal and into the story.
---
They entered the story about an eighth of the way through the first chapter, right when the 'Sue, Harry, and the Dursleys were headed to the zoo to celebrate Dudley's birthday. The two agents now had the appearance of two second years, both dressed in Muggle clothing thanks to their D.O.R.K.S., which was currently in the form of a spiral-bound notebook that Ian was carrying. Lee was keeping the charge list, having already noted down the all-important charges of Hayley Potter being a Mary Sue and the non-canonical twin sister of Harry Potter. They watched as Harry and Hayley interacted with the Burmese Python, Lee wincing when Hayley asked if the snake was from "Burmer", wherever that might be. So far, the mission seemed to be a simple rehashing of the first book, though the author had mixed the movie 'Verse and the book 'Verse together, making the canonical scenery try to fit both descriptions at one time.
Ian and Lee followed the 'Sue through the events of the the day, and then portaled to Diagon Alley, which, according to the Suethor, was located in London, Europe, and not London, England, as it normally was. Ian changed their disguises to the black robes they'd be wearing the rest of the mission, complete with Gryffindor patches on them and red trim on their cloaks, the D.O.R.K.S. changing into a spell-book with its characteristic prrrp sound right before Ian put it into his pack. They wandered along after Harry, Hagrid, and Hayley, collecting the first of the mini-Aragogs of the mission, Gringgotts. While the three wizards were in Gringotts, Ian and Lee got some ice cream from Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor for themselves, and then got some raw eel liver from one of the apothecaries for Gringgotts and Ollivanders, who had joined them right before they went into the apothecary. The two agents stocked up on the liver, Ian putting the wax paper package into his pack before they portaled to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters and then boarded the Hogwarts Express, finding a compartment near the one Harry, the 'Sue, and the rest of the Golden Trio would sit in.
As they waited for the 'Sue and Harry to get to the train, Lee and Ian caught up on the charges they'd missed when they'd portaled ahead. There weren't very much, though the fact that Hayley somehow had received her mother's wand at Ollivander's made Ian have to hold back Lee from barging into the compartment where Hayley, Harry, and Ron were now sitting and killing Hayley before the proper time. They waited out the ride to Hogwarts by playing several rounds of Cripple Mister Onion before Hermione came into the picture via the canonical plot device of Neville's lost toad Trevor. Ian and Lee slid open the door to watch the dialogue between Hermione, Ron and Harry. As they watched, the mini-Aragog Berty Bott's scuttled over to them, joining its fellows in Ian and Lee's compartment.
Suddenly, Professor McGonagall appeared out of thin air in the corridor as Ginny, who had been made Ron's twin sister rather than his year-younger sister, froze Trevor in midair with an uncanonical freezing spell. The first chapter ended soon after that and then segued clumsily into the second, with all the first-years getting into the boats for the traditional ride across the Great Lake. Ian and Lee portaled to the Great Hall, where they quickly found seats at the Gryffindor table with a good view of the Hall's doors as well as the teachers' table. Scanning the Words, Ian found that Ron apparently had "hammy-down robes", whatever those might be, and that McGonagall had delivered her movie 'Verse speech rather than her book 'Verse one.
The doors to the Great Hall opened and the first years trooped in, led by Professor McGonagall. As the first years passed the Gryffindor table, Lee sniggered and pointed out Ron's robes. The Laws of Comedy had decided to kick in at that moment, creating the "hammy-down robes" of the Suethor's previous description. Slices of ham were attached to Ron's robes, occasionally falling off and creating a slip-hazard for his fellow incoming students. Ian had to bite his lip to stop himself from bursting out in loud laughter, but soon sobered up when Professor Dumbledore stood up and made his start of term speech well before he was scheduled to, which unfortunately wasn't a charge, as it was part of the movie 'Verse canon, but it still grated on the agents' nerves, as did the mangled Sorting scene. They watched the Sorting with vague interest, glad that they could hear the Hat's supposed "inner" dialogue with the students.
'Wait, what?' Lee sputtered as the Hat started going on about how Hayley had been to Hogwarts before, but as someone else, as well as maybe even marrying a prankster in her future. 'Oh, gods, you have got to be kidding me,' she continued on, staring dumbstruck at Hayley as she walked over to the Gryffindor table and sat down next to Harry. 'That's horrible foreshadowing, not to mention a godsawful intimation of the reincarnation of Lily Potter, which just ruins the point of her character and her sacrifice.'
'Calm down, Lee,' Ian murmured as Ginny got Sorted into Gryffindor, and the mini-Aragog Ginerva joined its associates hiding under the Gryffindor table. Dumbledore started the feast, leaving the rest of the first years where they were, as it hadn't been mentioned that they'd been Sorted, and the two agents dug into the meal before them. Since the Suethor hadn't described it, the feast defaulted to the canonical Hogwarts feast, so Ian and Lee made sure to save as much of the food as they could in some of the cloth napkins from the table and then stored it in their packs, making sure to put as much meat in their packs as they could, adding to the store of eel liver that they would give to the mini-Aragogs. They followed Percy and the rest of Gryffindor House to the Gryffindor Common Room, where Percy made his short speech about where the boys' and girls' dormitories were, and then dismissed the first years to their beds.
Ian and Lee stayed down in the Common Room, watching the insipid scene of Harry and Hayley exchanging notes through the windows of their dormitories via the Words of the story, which they were able to do so thanks to the Suethor mangling the school's architecture. Ian was working on the intricate cross-stitch project he kept in his pack for longer missions, while Lee was reading Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett. They didn't get much, if any, sleep, as there weren't any scene breaks between when the first years went to bed and when Harry and Ron were running to get to their first Transfiguration class of the year. The two agents slipped into the back of the class via a portal right outside the classroom, taking their seats right before Harry and Ron burst into the classroom.
'How the hell did Harry know that McGonagall was the c-' Ian began, but stopped speaking and instead watched in mounting horror as Harry went on to poorly explain something about knowing that the cat waiting on the desk at the front of the room was Professor McGonagall due to the fact that he'd seen her before at Mrs. Figg's place. Or at least, that's what Ian assumed. The way Harry described it was confusing, to say the least.
Suddenly, the door opened and Snape entered, and due to the lack of scene breaks, the Potions professor was now teaching his craft in the Transfiguration room. Hayley suddenly disappeared and then ran back in through the door a few seconds later, right after Snape had finished grilling Harry about what would happen if he "added powdered root of acidio to an infusion of woodward". Right after that happened, Ian and Lee were dragged to the Gryffindor Common Room, thanks to yet another abrupt scene change.
'I can see a pattern starting to emerge with this Suethor,' Lee grumbled as Ian helped her up off the floor. 'What's wrong with using scene breaks, I ask you?'
'Nothing, of course, as long as they're used properly,' Ian replied, shaking his head. 'Come on, it's time for the flying lesson.'
'Do we have to go?' Lee asked, throwing a few pieces of bacon to the minis that were following them and idly giving a few extra to Mr. Wesley, who had joined the small retinue in McGonagall's class.
'Hmm. Probably not,' Ian said, his gaze going unfocused as he read the Words. 'It looks like all the 'Sue does is manage to get her and Ginny on the Gryffindor Quidditch team as reserve Beaters.'
'Good,' Lee said, settling in one of the squashy armchairs that littered the Common Room. 'You know, we should probably check the oocness of Ron and Hermione and the rest of the canons while Hayley and Harry aren't here.'
'Yeah, you're probably right,' Ian agreed, and then took out his CAD. He turned it on and pointed it at Fred, who was sitting nearby and talking with George.
[Fred Weasley. Canon. Male. OOC: 14.7%]
He then checked George, who showed pretty much the same level of oocness.
'Huh,' Ian said, looking surprised.
'What? How bad is it?'
'Not too bad, actually. The 'Sue doesn't seem to have messed with their characterization all that much, thank Glod.' Ian said, putting away the CAD just as Hayley and Harry came into the room. Wesley's and The Borrow wandered over to join the other minis, chattering at them in soft, whispery voices when they came near.
'Let's skip the first bit of the next chapter, Ian,' Lee said, scanning ahead in the Words. 'There's an Author's Note I'd like to bypass, as well as some idiocy about Ron and Harry randomly seeing Fluffy for no discernible reason. That way we can get breakfast if you want.'
'Sounds good to me,' Ian replied, getting up from his seat. 'Besides, I think we're going to need more meat soon, bacon preferably. I've run out of eel liver, anyways, so we can't use that any more.'
Lee nodded and opened up a portal, she and Ian nipping through just as the chapter ended. They emerged into the Great Hall during breakfast time, and quickly found seats at the Gryffindor table, near enough to the 'Sue so they could overhear what was going on, but far enough away that the Suefluence didn't bother them. Ian began eating and stocking up on bacon, though Lee was more interested in writing down the charges against the 'Sue and taking surreptitious character readings with her CAD. A sudden time shift rippled over them, making the two agents feel nauseous. Luckily, though, the scene didn't change to a different locale, but it had shifted to be set during dinner time.
'Oh, gods, how much of a time shift was that?' Lee groaned, releasing her death grip on the table in front of her.
'It looks like we just jumped to Hallowe'en,' Ian told her. 'The dinner feast, according to the Words, so about a day or so.'
'Wonderful.' Lee shook her head, and then peeked underneath the table at the minis. 'You guys okay? Any newbies?'
'We are fineses,' Mr. Wesley replied, his pincers clacking softly together as he spoke. 'We only haveses two new arrivalses- Longbottem and slythern.'
Said minis waved their forelegs in greeting at Lee, Longbottem looking indefinably nervous as he did so, though it could've been just because it was starting to get quite crowded under the table. Lee straightened back up just in time to hear Neville talking about how Hayley was in the first floor girls' bathroom, crying because a "slythern" girl had been making fun of her. Ian and Lee exchanged exasperated looks; it appeared that this 'Sue, in addition to being a Twin!Sue, was also a SceneStealer!Sue. Just then, Professor Quirrell came running into the Hall, screaming and flailing about there being a troll in the castle. As this was per movie canon, it wasn't a charge in and of itself, though Ian and Lee had agreed that, while amusing in its own way, was kind of annoying.
After Professor Dumbledore had calmed all of the panicking students down, the prefects started to take their respective Houses back to their Common Rooms. Ian and Lee fell in line with the Gryffindors, making sure they stayed close to Harry, Ron, Hermione, George, and Fred, as they were due to go off and save Hayley from the troll any minute now.
'There they go,' Ian muttered. Lee nodded and the two agents peeled away from the rest of the Gryffindors, keeping just far enough behind the canons to not be noticed but close enough to keep up with the action. They hid themselves just outside the girls' bathroom in an alcove behind a statue of a rather broad wizard. The alcove was large enough for both agents and all of the minis to fit comfortably.
They were watching the action via the Words when suddenly Lee smacked Ian excitedly on the arm.
'Ow!' Ian said, surprised. 'What was that for?'
'Look!' Lee replied, waving one hand in the vague direction of the Words. 'The Suethor made a mistake.'
'Of course she did. What else is new?'
'But this mistake is a new recruit,' Lee said smugly. 'Look at what the Words say: "David had picked up a board sized piece of the stall and began hitting the troll." There's not supposed to be a David in that group, and since he's only mentioned for one sentence, we can recruit him.'
'Hmm. We'll have to wait until the scene's over to do so, though.' Ian mused.
They sat there for a while, and then Lee suddenly broke the silence with a question.
'Hey, Ian, does Great Britain get tornadoes?'
'What?'
'The Suethor says that Hayley was "huddled in a ball in the 'Tornado Position' she and Harry were taught in muggle primary school". Would they have actually learned that? I mean, I can understand it if they were from, say, Oklahoma or anywhere else in Tornado Alley, but Great Britain?' Lee asked, looking up from her charge list, a confused expression on her face.
'Actually, they do, though not as much as the 'States,' Ian said, getting up from his seat on the ground. 'The teachers just left, as did the others. Let's go get our new recruit.'
'Shiny,' Lee replied, pocketing her notebook and following Ian out from behind the statue. They went into the bathroom, which was suitably destroyed and still held the troll, as well as a young man. He was barely there in the first place, as he hadn't been described in any way by the Suethor. The entirety of his being was a pale gray, though his skin was a lighter shade of gray than his hair and eyes, but only just. The only color other than gray associated with him was the neat black of the canonical Hogwarts robes he wore. He kept flicking slowly through the age range of eleven to eighteen, changing age every few seconds and growing or shrinking in proportionate height.
'Hello, there,' Ian said, skirting cautiously around the troll and approaching the man. 'Can you tell us your name?'
The man blinked and then focused on Ian, changing from a fifteen-year-old to a sixteen-year-old.
'David?' he said, sounding unsure of himself.
'Well, David, we're here to present you with an opportunity,' Lee told him, coming up next to him.
'What would that be?' David shifted from sixteen to eighteen, though his height didn't change all that much.
'The chance to live and do something with your life, which admittedly is better than what your options are if you stay here,' Lee continued on. 'It's hard work, but it's good work, and we make a difference in a lot of people's lives.'
David considered this for a moment, and then nodded. 'Sounds good,' he said, managing to stay at eighteen for a good minute before changing again. 'Will you be able to fix me? I don't want to keep changing heights all the time.'
'That's not all that's changing, but yeah, Doc Fitzgerald should be able to fix you up. Just tell him what age you want to be-- I'd suggest eighteen or older, by the way --and he should probably be able to pin your temporal gland down.' Ian told him. 'Give us a sec to open up a portal, and then you can be on your way.'
Lee opened a portal to Medical and ushered David in. 'By the way,' she said as they waited for Doctor Fitzgerald or one of the Nurses to arrive, 'you can change your name if you want, once you're taken care of and everything. Make a completely fresh start, that sort of thing. Lots of people do it when they come to the PPC.'
'PPC?'
'Protectors of the Plot Continuum,' Lee told him, and then transferred her attention to Doctor Fitzgerald, who came hurrying over. 'Hello, Doc. We've got a new recruit for ya, but as you can see, his temporal gland's all out of whack and he needs a personality infusion. I've got to get back to my mission.' She turned to David right before she went back through the portal and said, 'Good luck.'
The doctor sighed, looking David up and down. 'Right, then; come this way and we can get started...'
A/N: Part Two should be up relatively soon, once it gets written. A final list of all of the mini-Aragogs will be posted when Part Two is put up.