Friendships
In the last few weeks I've come to the realization that I've been away from Shepherd University for almost as long as I was a student and it's pretty surreal. The person who entered that institution back in 2003 is vastly different than my waking self in 2011. In acknowledging this, I've uncovered something that has come to my attention: Friendships and my thoughts on them.
During my youth I was much more 'sheltered' than I would have admitted, but it was a sheltering of my own creation. The people who were most important in my life were my mother, father, maternal grandmother and my brother. I spent most of my time with them or with my brother and our mutual friends Mike and Matt. I didn't really venture too far from this small group, and it was more out of fear of rejection than from anything else.
A skill of mine from a very early age was the ability to communicate effectively and openly with almost anyone. Even so, I wouldn't say that I was the most 'outgoing' person, just that I had the skill to address social engagements when need be. I was often wrongly identified as a very confident, outgoing person and that just wasn't the case. Internally, I thought deeply and conflictingly on most everything--even if I didn't necessarily acknowledge this. I was outgoing more for a need to be recognized and wanted, appreciated and understood, than just being someone who was aware of himself and inherently confident. This reactionary extroversion led to my participation in various social groups in my youth (youth sports, middle school and high school band). Engaging in these socially accepted groups, and excelling where possible, would enable my classmates to see who I truly was and why I was of merit... "Surround yourself with goal-oriented people, Rafa," I would tell myself, "and you'll be able to show how truly gifted and skilled you are. People will want to be your friend for real, and truly make an effort to know the real you." That I wasn't exceptional in any of those groups wasn't the point, in my mind. It was solely that I would do something that my peers might find worth noting.
This was kind of a catch-22, because I started getting 'friends' and cultivated 'friendships' from my endeavors. I was good as a teammate, I had a humorous running commentary during sports practices and I kept my friends in stitches while waiting to perform our next piece of music in band. I acquitted myself quite well to the tasks of sports performance and also in my concert band endeavors. I had people I could talk with, not talk to, and for a time, I was happy. I felt accomplished, even if I hadn't mastered computer code, written a concerto, or been a teen sensation.
While my brother maintained a very close-knit group of friends and very rarely ventured out of that small group, I had this large base of friends, but the group was suddenly turning against me. It didn't dawn on me until I got close to high school graduation why this had happened. I hadn't really allowed my friends in to get to know the real me. I was almost a 'hanger-on' of those groups of which I felt "a part." I was a responsive friend, not one who was participatory. I mean that I was always apologizing if I said something wrong, I was always trying to be friendly with everyone, even those people I wouldn't have wanted to be friends with if I'd truly given it a moment's thought. My friends weren't truly close to me because they didn't see the need. They saw someone who was overly nice, who was in their group because they shared an extracurricular and they felt they had to be nice. Once they saw that I was no longer investing the effort to participate in said extracurricular, they saw no need to continue their communications.
Ironically enough, I stopped investing the effort to participate because I'd realized that I'd made false friendships and that I was getting the short end of the stick. In my last year of High school, I recognized that I didn't feel comfortable in many of my associations with friends, that I was constantly being reactive, rather than having organic conversations. I was tired of having to apologize for being me, and for having the thoughts that I had... and I didn't feel the need to be wanted or needed by my peers. I recognized that I wouldn't be in their presence for much longer, so why try so hard.
And then college happened, and I was able to approach things in a much freer fashion. I was more the 'me' that I wanted to express, than being someone who would appeal to everyone. I had many 'friends' again and it was wonderful. My full undergraduate experience was filled with good moments, moments of growth, moments to learn from, and friends who truly had me in their minds and hearts. We shared the experiences, we shared classes, we shared struggles... and most of all, we shared of each other--thoughts, feelings. We grew together. And it was this new approach that gave me the most out of my college experience. That I could communicate effectively only strengthened my associations with those friends, as I was finally able to express my feelings openly and confidently.
So, I guess this post is more about just expressing why I may not have kept many of my friends from my youth, but why I was able to have some very true, precious, and positive friendships that have survived past my college years. Maybe not everyone I thought I'd still be in touch with, but those people who have shared in the friendship process.
I've become acutely aware that I don't need to do things to impress others or please others, that my actions should be borne from an honest desire. That I can grow even in those situations when I may not have the approval of others. My balanced, grounded upbringing has greatly helped me in this growth... while those friends who've stuck through it all have also contributed directly to my growth.
I suppose I should say thanks for everything...
"Thanks so much."
- Raf
During my youth I was much more 'sheltered' than I would have admitted, but it was a sheltering of my own creation. The people who were most important in my life were my mother, father, maternal grandmother and my brother. I spent most of my time with them or with my brother and our mutual friends Mike and Matt. I didn't really venture too far from this small group, and it was more out of fear of rejection than from anything else.
A skill of mine from a very early age was the ability to communicate effectively and openly with almost anyone. Even so, I wouldn't say that I was the most 'outgoing' person, just that I had the skill to address social engagements when need be. I was often wrongly identified as a very confident, outgoing person and that just wasn't the case. Internally, I thought deeply and conflictingly on most everything--even if I didn't necessarily acknowledge this. I was outgoing more for a need to be recognized and wanted, appreciated and understood, than just being someone who was aware of himself and inherently confident. This reactionary extroversion led to my participation in various social groups in my youth (youth sports, middle school and high school band). Engaging in these socially accepted groups, and excelling where possible, would enable my classmates to see who I truly was and why I was of merit... "Surround yourself with goal-oriented people, Rafa," I would tell myself, "and you'll be able to show how truly gifted and skilled you are. People will want to be your friend for real, and truly make an effort to know the real you." That I wasn't exceptional in any of those groups wasn't the point, in my mind. It was solely that I would do something that my peers might find worth noting.
This was kind of a catch-22, because I started getting 'friends' and cultivated 'friendships' from my endeavors. I was good as a teammate, I had a humorous running commentary during sports practices and I kept my friends in stitches while waiting to perform our next piece of music in band. I acquitted myself quite well to the tasks of sports performance and also in my concert band endeavors. I had people I could talk with, not talk to, and for a time, I was happy. I felt accomplished, even if I hadn't mastered computer code, written a concerto, or been a teen sensation.
While my brother maintained a very close-knit group of friends and very rarely ventured out of that small group, I had this large base of friends, but the group was suddenly turning against me. It didn't dawn on me until I got close to high school graduation why this had happened. I hadn't really allowed my friends in to get to know the real me. I was almost a 'hanger-on' of those groups of which I felt "a part." I was a responsive friend, not one who was participatory. I mean that I was always apologizing if I said something wrong, I was always trying to be friendly with everyone, even those people I wouldn't have wanted to be friends with if I'd truly given it a moment's thought. My friends weren't truly close to me because they didn't see the need. They saw someone who was overly nice, who was in their group because they shared an extracurricular and they felt they had to be nice. Once they saw that I was no longer investing the effort to participate in said extracurricular, they saw no need to continue their communications.
Ironically enough, I stopped investing the effort to participate because I'd realized that I'd made false friendships and that I was getting the short end of the stick. In my last year of High school, I recognized that I didn't feel comfortable in many of my associations with friends, that I was constantly being reactive, rather than having organic conversations. I was tired of having to apologize for being me, and for having the thoughts that I had... and I didn't feel the need to be wanted or needed by my peers. I recognized that I wouldn't be in their presence for much longer, so why try so hard.
And then college happened, and I was able to approach things in a much freer fashion. I was more the 'me' that I wanted to express, than being someone who would appeal to everyone. I had many 'friends' again and it was wonderful. My full undergraduate experience was filled with good moments, moments of growth, moments to learn from, and friends who truly had me in their minds and hearts. We shared the experiences, we shared classes, we shared struggles... and most of all, we shared of each other--thoughts, feelings. We grew together. And it was this new approach that gave me the most out of my college experience. That I could communicate effectively only strengthened my associations with those friends, as I was finally able to express my feelings openly and confidently.
So, I guess this post is more about just expressing why I may not have kept many of my friends from my youth, but why I was able to have some very true, precious, and positive friendships that have survived past my college years. Maybe not everyone I thought I'd still be in touch with, but those people who have shared in the friendship process.
I've become acutely aware that I don't need to do things to impress others or please others, that my actions should be borne from an honest desire. That I can grow even in those situations when I may not have the approval of others. My balanced, grounded upbringing has greatly helped me in this growth... while those friends who've stuck through it all have also contributed directly to my growth.
I suppose I should say thanks for everything...
"Thanks so much."
- Raf