(no subject)
Have you ever felt like your exsistance is purely contingent on the fact that people acknowledge you? Yeah...that would be me.
I think at points I don't really exsist.
And then I wonder to myself, how the hell do I really intend to keep all the connections in my life?
I really need to call Evil Jen back...
And I want to call Kris, but I doubt I'll get in touch with him...he hasn't responded to my email on myspace, even though he's been on it since I wrote him, which makes me feel like I've lost a close friend. And makes me want to cry alot. I'm not asking for an epic...just a hi...
I've been making friends here in Buffalo...it's nice...it just doesn't extend outside of class...
everyones older than me...it makes me feel inadaque...
And I am on my way to a burn out...I don't want to burn out...though as Neil Young so eloquently put it...it's better to burn out than to fade away...
Unfortunately I feel like I am doing both...
Going home next week might be good...
maybe
Things aren't so go with the family right now healthwise...
my Uncle is still in the hospital after his second surgery because of complications with the first,
I found out from my grandmother that she had to take my grandfather to the ER because he was over-exerting himself at their lawfirm since Uncle Tommy hasn't been back yet...and my grandfather wrote me and informed me my grandmother had to go see a doctor because she's having digestive problems...most likely caused by the stress over my uncle...
And god only knows about my mom and the rest of the family...it's hard to get a hold of her because of my schedule...and she works at night...
I really just want to close myself off at times too...
which is a total contradiction to the above statements...but what can I do...
I don't want to deal anymore...
I don't want to feel anymore...
but I don't have a choice...
It's scary when a professor says I look burned out...
that's when I know it's not good...
when people can see it in my face...
Pat's too busy with school work...
I should be too, but I am trying to calm myself down...
I could really use some kind words...
and maybe someone or something to hang out with...
to take the strain off this darkness hovering around my head...
I think at points I don't really exsist.
And then I wonder to myself, how the hell do I really intend to keep all the connections in my life?
I really need to call Evil Jen back...
And I want to call Kris, but I doubt I'll get in touch with him...he hasn't responded to my email on myspace, even though he's been on it since I wrote him, which makes me feel like I've lost a close friend. And makes me want to cry alot. I'm not asking for an epic...just a hi...
I've been making friends here in Buffalo...it's nice...it just doesn't extend outside of class...
everyones older than me...it makes me feel inadaque...
And I am on my way to a burn out...I don't want to burn out...though as Neil Young so eloquently put it...it's better to burn out than to fade away...
Unfortunately I feel like I am doing both...
Going home next week might be good...
maybe
Things aren't so go with the family right now healthwise...
my Uncle is still in the hospital after his second surgery because of complications with the first,
I found out from my grandmother that she had to take my grandfather to the ER because he was over-exerting himself at their lawfirm since Uncle Tommy hasn't been back yet...and my grandfather wrote me and informed me my grandmother had to go see a doctor because she's having digestive problems...most likely caused by the stress over my uncle...
And god only knows about my mom and the rest of the family...it's hard to get a hold of her because of my schedule...and she works at night...
I really just want to close myself off at times too...
which is a total contradiction to the above statements...but what can I do...
I don't want to deal anymore...
I don't want to feel anymore...
but I don't have a choice...
It's scary when a professor says I look burned out...
that's when I know it's not good...
when people can see it in my face...
Pat's too busy with school work...
I should be too, but I am trying to calm myself down...
I could really use some kind words...
and maybe someone or something to hang out with...
to take the strain off this darkness hovering around my head...